Found a new site! Am still slowly working out the bugs but from now on, I'll be yelling at a different location: Busy Doing Nuthin'
See you on the flip side......
If the future you could fax a statement to you, what would it say?
Perhaps it would say that dressing your dog up in stupid shirts was a bad idea or maybe that it's not as bad as the woman outside Nestors that puts a hoodie on her poodle and covers it's little ears.... terrible look by the way.
As I've been over thinking things as I do (who else remembers conversations from when they were 8?) I want to clarify that I welcome the critiques as they add to fuel to the blogging fire & spawn stuff I may otherwise forget like the STORK... didn't write about the stork... will write about the stork when I know more about the stork & it's not the stork that brings babies but rather it brings disease and conquers the world. Yes you should be confused as was I for most of the night.
more to come on storks & other non sensical musings
You may recall my friend, Nanz (seriously the best picture EVER. I've had to promise her that I wouldn't post this on facebook). Well, I met her the first day of grade three as she was the new kid in class when at recess, I grabbed her hand & exclaimed "Let's play!" and dragged her out to the see saws (Am realizing that I wasn't just inappropriate but bossy then too... )
Now, it may occur to you that there is nothing wrong with just transpired and you're right there was nothing wrong with what had just transpired. In fact, it could even be deemed cute that I welcomed the new girl with such exuberance. It's more what I said AFTER we met up with her sister that could turn some heads & ask "'scuze me?"
If you recall, I'm the same girl that played 'I'm the only Gay Eskimo' to the gay guy at work and reiterated Will Ferrel's Neil Diamond sketch to the Columbian immigrant '...my creativity is fueled by my hatred for immigrants & breaks into Coming to America...'
So it's of no surprise that the first thing that popped out of my mouth would be "I've never seen people like you before!"
Yea, I said that.... and it isn't because she is black.... it's because she's half black. Yea, loved my mom but I think she slept in the morning she was to teach me manners. You see, I used to see Nanz, her sister & her mother (who is white) at swimming lessons at the pool during the summer and I did what any clueless child in that situation would do... I stared and for long periods of time to the point where Dressage (her sister) gave me the eye stare back (you know you look at the person & bug your eyes out back at them to say 'yes, F off, I can see you staring at me).
I once asked a friend around the same time "How was the funeral?" and was told you NEVER ask that question... and to my recollection, have never uttered those words again... You see, I DO learn from my mistakes... just tell me. Course, I'll just find other ways to embarrass others (it's never me at the time, I'm clueless). Talk to loud, fall down and so on.. the list just grows....
I've been listening to this for years & actully thought for years it was from SNL and featured Jack Black. This is because I downloaded from limewire (I don't steal music) and I can make up what it would look like in my head which is actuallly WAAAAAAAAAAAAY funnier then what I ended up seeing today. Although... still a chuckle
What's even better is that I played this for the unconfirmed gay guy at work (only unconfirmed at the time. I later met his partner. Also I'm the only one that picked up on it... For no reason either. One day I just looked at him & decided to start using partner instead of gf. I have the gaydar) ... So apparently I'm so inappropriate to the point of it being cute because I'm so clueless.
My other favourite moment was singing the words to Will Ferrell's sketch on SNL of Neil Diamond, to the woman who had immigrated here from Columbia & I quote:
"My creativity is fueled by my hatred for immigrants" and then sang "Coming to America"
I actually saw Ceasar's mouth open to stop me from spitting it out but the words fell out of my mouth non the less and instead, she hung her head & shook it. Yea, I'm classy.
So I was chastised on Saturday because my post about last weekend read like one long inside joke which does happen from time to time as I have to decide whether or not I'm going to let you in on the joke and then I'm really trying to decide between a super long as post or a continuous post for days........
It also got asked whether or not I had sex in that post. I want to clear this up now, I have not nor have I ever had sex on this blog . There are certain things I will write about & reveal about myself. My hoo ha being a big topic of that nature but sex will never get talked about. Mostly because I figure I could start another website and charge for that kind of information (JOKE.. it's a joke. It was pointed out to me that you don't always know it's a joke).
But in all honesty, I would never talk about that subject for several reasons. One of which, it's really non of your business. If there is a ancedote where that would be part of the story, I tend to glaze over it & trust you are smart enough to read between the lines.
Secondly, this is supposed to be a funny & light hearted blog. I make jokes. Nothing serious gets written about (with a few exceptions) but I don't like to air real relationship dirty laundry out in the open. If I do, it would be quite veiled. If I am talking about you, aka: Trainwreck, I pretty much have lost all respect for you and value nothing that transpires between the 2 of us. However, someone like Furniture Man did get mentioned but in the context of me visiting him. But I would like to think you don't know the intimate details of our relationship as that is private. If I do refer to sex... it is ALWAYS for the joke or even to move the story along. Even they kiss in disney movies.
Thirdly, I have family that reads this... I don't want them knowing everything.. weird!
Fourth & last point. I have a time buffer too. If something happened this past weekend that would be a good story but seems too soon to talk about... I'd wait about a year. The cousin date was funny because it happened in 1999. Ok, so it's just funny but I would probably start making fun of my break up with Furniture Man a year from now as the dust has settle & feelings are no longer really an issue.
But bottom line... Nothing of any real value to me gets unfolded here. If I could tell a stranger the story, I will write it. (I have become very comfortable talking about my hoo ha). Which is funny as some guys I have dated have read this & I'm pretty sure it freaks them out because they think I'm some big party girl but as I've said many many times, the stories where I just sit there aren't as funny.
So no, I didn't have sex with the gay guy I dated either... he just watched.
I'm also debating about switching from Blogger so I can multiple pages so I can have the rules of the blog and a cast of characters handy for reference.... as some ppl do not like their names but as of the weekend have found ones that stick.
I got ahead of myself yesterday when I referenced a person I had yet to write about. I also can't believe I failed to mention one of the biggest characters I have met in some time I'll name Pathological. I use the word character because I am not sure if I met the real him or a composite of him.
On the Sunday of the Labour Day weekend, 15 of us got together to go wine touring in Kelowna (huge wine country up there). Course we had hired a van to drive us around as none of us are responsible enough to spit & drive. So we piled into 2 vans. One of which had a very young (21) hot blonde driver to which Dickhouse couldn't help admiring. Quick to his aid, as a good friend and wingman is, Pathological tells the hot driver that Dickhouse is a Google Earth Pilot...
Yes, a Google Earth Pilot. You know how Google Earth has photographs of pretty much everywhere on earth up to the minute.. well as the story goes, pilots fly all over to capture those moments for the web (and you thought it was satellite) and Dickhouse is one of them... I'm not sure if she didn't believe him either but I have to admit Pathological has a certain je ne sais quoi when he tells a story. Charisma doesn't quite sum it up perhaps convincing does.
Before I was introduced to him, I was informed of this tale he told the driver.. I was also told he likes to lie.... like all the time. Not lying as he puts it. As he puts it, girls don't want to hear about the boring marketing bla bla that you do on a daily basis. THIS, this is a conversation starter. You start off by telling someone you're a Google earth pilot and before you know it, you're engrossed in conversation... yes, it's gross.
For example Mr Profession told us he is a Chiropractic Gynecologist and we giggled. (may have been the wine). And he says.. I know! I know! everyone laughs but it is real.
"I studied down in California just recently moved back to Vancouver to open my own practice there" he explains.
He then he goes on to explain any objections you may have as he's heard it ALL before. This especially comes in handy when the girl at hand has her boyfriend standing there objecting to what Pathological is saying. WITHOUT flinching he can masterfully
not only pull off this lie but you start to think you should make an appointment with him. It's a beautiful thing.
If you go through my friends on facebook (and oh YOU too could be one... ), you'll note he said he know me because we "met randomly in 2007: We worked together at a Chiropractic Gynecological Facility in San Diego". Felt so honoured to be part of the lie because let's face it, I LOOOOOVE a good story.
Course when I met the OBGYN on Saturday, my first instinct was to ask if he knew Pathological as I figured that was just a conversation starter.... course when I realized he REALLY was a doctor, I could not help myself from talking about my Hoo Ha for 20 minutes (yes, I keep bringing that up ... it too is a beautiful thing).
When I emailed Pathological to tell him of my amusing encounter, he asked me if I have developed my own fake profession... It's a delicate thing. You don't just make something up that would be totally believable but you create something kind of odd that makes the person think is she/he or isn't she/he? The more ostentatious the lie... the more likely the person will believe... But I had nothing. Not 2 minutes after hitting send I got this in my inbox:
"Highly suggest something like, "Lead Negotiator for NetJets." You work with Bombardier, Gulfstream, Lear, Honda, etc., to negotiate the lease/buy contracts for all of the aircraft in the fleet. Your dad was a pilot so you grew up around planes. And after attending Law School at UCLA you decided that you'd prefer to use your skills to negotiate contracts. You moved back to Vancouver since NetJets has an alliance connection to MillionAir at the YVR and it's an easy direct flight from Vancouver to all of the major manufacturers. Oh my god this rocks!"
I'm telling you this shit just rolls off his tongue... I have 3 weeks to get this story down with a straight face for his party. Course he'll be there helping the tale along... can't wait!
Thank you Shaloah for all the links this week.... Happy Friday! wish it was Wednesday.
So let's say we meet. We chat. We get to know each other. You tell me where you live. Perhaps it's Langley. I tell you I live downtown in Yaletown. You think that's fancy. Although, I know what a shoebox of a home I live in, you wonder what my apartment looks like. So you say to me "Wanna show me what a Yaletown apartment looks like?" except instead of an email we're at Bar None, and instead of 2pm it's 2 am and instead of being sober we're hammered AND instead of you being attractive, you're one creepy ass married guy from Toronto.
Yea... no matter which way you ask that... it's creepy.
So I totally did him. Ok, so it was more like I looked at him with disgust and walked away to talk to someone I considered to be 'safe'.... my friend's old boss. Which under normal circumstances IS a safe person. As he is in no way a threat nor is he a dick BUT when asked "So are you coming over to have sex?" I feel the need to flee and straight into a limo with the Toronto Argonauts.... Since when did hanging out with a Football team become the best choice? Well, let me take you back to a time I like to call Saturday night.
Saturday started when I met up with some girlfriends down at Opus as they took out a bride to be for dinner as they couldn't attend her stagette up in Whistler this weekend. It was also High rise's birthday so he and the boys went to the Lion's game for a little football action and beer. I met up with the girls at Opus (worst service EVER!) and we headed over to Glowbal for birthday fun.
Glowbal is divided into 2 sections the restaurant up front and the lounge, After Glo, in the back. The back room was pretty much filled with our friends. It's not a big place but when everyone is piled up directly in front of the bar, it makes for an even more crowded venue. Everywhere you turn, there are people. One time I turned and started chatting with an OBGYN.
I automatically think he's friends with the Pathological liar I met up in Kelowna (story to come and realize this part would have been funnier if I had explained my new friend to you) so I kept asking him.. do you know Mike. When I realize that he is indeed an OBGYN, I couldn't help myself, I had to tell him my stirrup story. I couldn't help myself, I have never met one of them out of their natural environment (between my legs) and I told him this. He wanted to remind me that they are people too which I agree with but I just don't want mine to exist outside of that little room. As far as I'm concerned no one really LOOKS at my Hoo ha as long or to the extent to which those doctors do. He told me it's all business. Sure, but last time I checked I never just took off my pants & placed a paper sheet across me for kicks & giggles. (I'm now picturing one messed up sexual experience)...
I don't know how to recover from talking to a stranger about my hoo ha so I moved along. Perhaps because I bring up my crotch when I first meet someone or perhaps I'm always looking in the wrong places but honestly, I think the real reason I'm single is because I'm mildly retarded... there really is no other way to explain how I never pick up on the fact I'm being hit on... or at least in a subtle way.
So I'm talking to someone I deemed geeky at first but after speaking with for some time, gained points on the hottie scale. I loved that he was decked out in name brand clothes head to ankle and then donned 12 dollar shoes. (well not LOVED as I always look at shoes but I like the fact he wore something because he liked them vs it's cool or what have you and it's funny) ANYWAYS... we chat & I do something I never do... I offered to buy him a drink. Mostly because I'm cheap but to be honest, guys usually are buying me drinks probably because it's something they think they should do and the fastest & easiest way for me to say yes to the disgusting things their going to suggest in my ear.
So I buy him and the birthday boy a drink and we chat some more (now, it's some on into the night & I've inbibed quite a bit so the next part of the conversation is a little fuzzy to me) He says to me "You're 32 how could I date you?" and I retort "oh yea, I know I'm not 18"... and he says "no no... "How could I date you?". You know what I heard? "Yea, there is no way in hell I 'd be seen out with you in public" not the as I've later been explained to "please inform me what to do here"... yea, so after I shot him down now twice (which was the real goal with me spending time & money on a guy I'm trying to get to know) he mentions that I should go to the party he's leaving the bar for. I THEN explain that I'm sticking with my girls that night (why???? they don't care. They leave me all the time) and then he left... with out me.. Yes, if I were a movie , it'd be about here you'd either be yelling at the screen what an idiot I am or getting up & leaving because I liken my stupidity to Jon Favreau's character in Swingers.... painful.
Anyways, Glowbal shut down and me and my girls headed to Bar None (knew I stayed with them for a reason) It was about here where the night went from drunk to drunker. We headed into the back VIP area and ran into several of the players from Toronto... I of course tell them I don't like the CFL or Toronto and this could be the answer to psycho player on Brutal's couch that asked me why I was there, all of his friends were all over me. True I was talking to several people .. whether or not they played is another question. I basically just told them how much I hate the leafs and then was asked to show off my apartment so I went to the bar where it was 'safe' but even better, get plied with alcohol. So as the ugly lights were being turned on, I was being asked if I was coming over for some good luvin'.... yea? what was that Bell? You're going outside? let me run er walk with you.
Standing outside collecting ourselves presented a bit of a conundrum for Bell... does she go with the giant player or go home... I had one question: Is he NOT the hottest guy you've ever seen? so she ran off only to come scurrying back 2 seconds later "His friend wants to meet you". Seeing as my hot sexy proposition was explaining to me that I'm the one missing out, I happily ran off to jump in a limo with the lot of them and go... TWO BLOCKS??? yea, they dropped us off at Sui Hang, the late night chinese restaurant that's known for it's 'special tea' (beer) on Granville Street. Declining to go in, I scampered off to Brutal's place only to find creepy & yet another player on her couch. I would have just turned around and gone home but my feet were in SEARING pain so I needed to sit off the pain for a few moments.
Moral of the story: get some confidence in yourself & always wear comfortable shoes.
Thank you Shaloah for passing this ditty along to me. The first one is about 3 minutes long & the second is about a minute and a half. Granted their a new testament to having songs that won't leave your head but are FUH-NEE......
This is an offering to the Punk & Grunge People out there
Now, I'm not going to lie to you... I've gone to a couple of bars in my lifetime *cough* Ok, so I've been to a couple of bars this week. Even though, I've been known to be a bit of a lush, there are some drawbacks to frequenting such locales.
The hangover is an obvious negative and is becoming worse as this broad gets on in her years. Creepy, slimy men that ogle, drool, pathetically attempt to pick you up can be construed as a drawback but due to highly hilarious stories that result, they generally aren't so bad. Over pricing, over crowding & not finding somewhere to sit could be a problem. Even the music could be bad but then you just change locations.
No... all of that can be over come (with the aid of some ibuprofen and a gatorade), it's CRAPPY ass door men that piss you off that you really can't do anything about. They're big, cranky & in my opinion not always of the highest intelligence (Ok, so for arguments sake & because I don't want to hear about it, not ALL doormen are dickheads as I have been friends with a few in my day but for my argument, I need to build some momentum). It's their infuriating nature to which they dangle a good time in front of your face & if you are lucky enough, they will let you in. I thank Studio 54 for creating such a melee. Why some guy that is paid 12/hr decides whether or not I'm allowed in. FINE.. fire codes & over crowding are acceptable but it's when they're a dickhead that really turns me off. As thought the establishment doesn't really need my patronage and whether I come in, has no bearing on them. My favourite is when a bar will keep a line to MAKE it look busy when in fact there is no one inside.
I vowed after I turned 25 to not wait in useless line ups any more. If it's a matter of clearing the coat check... fine. If it's 5 minutes... fine but you reach an age & you start to know enough people, that really, you shouldn't have to WAIT the 3 hours you did when you were 18.
CASE IN POINT. Friday night, I was out for Stine's bf's birthday (nickname to come), and we decided after dinner to go to the Beagle for drinks. The beagle is a pub in Kits located on Broadway. We like it because you know a few people there & it's busy enough for that party feel you're craving.... As my friends were waiting to enter, up walks little blonde thing that shook her tits up to the doorman. As she was talking, Dark Bunny got a little impatient. We MAY have had one bottle of saki too many at the restaurant but lippy is not what Dark Bunny is. Hell, I've never even seen her raise her voice.... well, not in a serious way. So when she said "ok honey, are you going to seal the deal or what?" we laugh because HELLO! it's a joke. I find out that she said this as she was being escorted from the line.
You see, when I showed up to meet them, the doorman looked us & declared that none of us were getting in. We looked at him dumbfounded & he relented & said "Ok. SHE'S not getting in because she was rude to my friend" Ok.. WTF?? are you serious. Dude, you know that chick will never sleep with you right? She already got what she wanted and by the way.... it's the Beagle. Get over yourself which is what I mentioned to him after we decided to leave. Yea, I felt like mentioning to him that he's retarded so I may not be allowed back there either.
Course, this is the same place I came with Kung Yu one night where upon falling out of the cab, I marched right in to the pub not feeling one care in the world. I would even say I traipsed in as though I was entitled. So after Kung Yu pointed out I walked right in, Shaloah & Stine pointed out I walked right in, & then doorman came in after me & exclaimed "you walked right in" I couldn't for the life of me, figure out what the problem was & could only answer back "yea....... and?" and then we stared at each other.
This was much in the same manner the uncomfortable silences I shared with my father. He would approch my bedroom door & ask if I took out the garbage. After I would reply "yes", (and only in that tone an 18 year old can muster after years of breeding resentment) we would just stare at each other waiting for the other to add something to the conversation. He in my doorway and me sitting on my bed. Only he could break the awkward confrontation & would by walking away. I wouldn't talk to him again til the next day. Our phone conversations pretty much work in this kind of flow continuum hence my reluctance to phone him.
However, in this instance, it seemed simple to me. This was a bar, I want to drink, I walk in.... Unbeknown st to my beer goggles (more of beer shields. The kind that gives you tunnel vision and takes away your side perspective), I wasn't aware of the small line up that had formed. Needless to say, I won. Nor do I still understand the problem that night as the place was empty and all anyone could say to me was "you walked right in"... YES yes, i did.. No one is here so why is this an issue? that and I think I'm pretty darn special. The special police told me so when managed to rescue a dozen puppies from a burning building with my bare hands. Now if that's not miller time then I don't know what is.
I've mentioned it before. Dogs don't like reindeer or emulating them in any way. They would much rather be Santa as seen below. (yes, I have NO LIFE if I'm still posting pictures of my dog from over 10 years ago)
LOOK HOW SAD HE IS.. his tail is down & hating me! Like our stockings? Mine is Rudolf
and you've seen this before but look how he smiles with the Santa hat.First rule of crab racing... don't talk about crab racing.
So I won't. I'll post photos
Here they are pre-race/dinner in the tub. You can see Syphilis to the right of the hand.
Here we are hovering around waiting impatiently for them to do anything.
Impatient for them to move, we got out the chopsticks & prodded them to move to no avail. My hair is blocking Lucy from view.Motorboat: The placement of one's face, specifically the mouth, into the area between a well-endowed woman's breasts, followed by a rapid shaking of the face in a side-to-side motion accompanied by yelling. The resulting sound that is created sounds similar to an outboard boat motor.
So for labour day weekend, a few friends & I trekked up to Kelowna for a weekend of fun times, wine, wine touring and more fun times. Fun times were indeed had as was the wine. No shock that they tend to go hand in hand.
On our second night out on the town, we hit Rose's pub which has a LOVELY patio right on the lake. Among the multitudes of drunk people was a fellow in the fanciest (and by fancy I mean a value village special) brown suit off set by a baby blue shirt. Jammer actually had pointed him out earlier in the evening so by the time the social butterfly had made his way past our table, Jammer had enough drinks in her to grab him exclaiming "Hey you motorboating son-of-a-bitch" and proceeded to grab with both hands around the back of his neck and pull his head to her cleavage.
I don't know if it was because he was completely stunned or crazy drunk blondes are frightening (probably not.. which by the way is some obvious foreshadowing) but the look in his eyes & his complete resistance to Jammer wasn't as amusing as watching her wrestle with all her might to make him succumb to the boat and like most.... he finally did with a resounding brrrrrrrrrrb.
When we finished he looked at me and asked if I was next.... to which I replied no... Not because I'm opposed to the motorboat as I'm usually the one administering the task but because let's face it my girls are quite the disappointment. Because of the pathetic showing that they've made I'm not above wearing cutlets to enhance the look and well, I could just picture him pushing his face side to side knocking one of my cutlets right into someone's drink.
Fast forward to later in the evening when Suit (I still didn't know his name as the moment never really presented itself. Every time he'd walk past our table, I would just yell out "Suit! suit! to beckon him over as I had more boobs for him... Was feeling pimpish that night) managed to win a way into my heart... he was plying me with alcohol. It was after our second shooter when declares that I like him. To which I had to enquire why he thought that.
He goes onto explain that when I resisted him motorboating me that it showed I liked him & I was putting up a challenge. Not only did I choke on my drink becuase I was laughing, I managed to retort "Oh yea, I'm a big challenge". It was about then when Suze walked by stuck her head between my boobs & motorboated me like no other. Something about that moment seemed not only ironic but mocking..... Yea, dude, I'm in love.
I hit the Llama Lounge Saturday afternoon for what was the 1st Annual (and probably the last) Kitsilano Crab Race .
First rule of Crab Race: You do not talk about Crab Race (ooops)
Second rule of Crab Race: You do not talk about Crab Race (double oops)
Anyways, we had all hit the markets, and carefully chosen our crabs. Upon arrival, we placed them in the tub, registered your crab and sized up the competition which was fierce. There was #1, there was Lil' JW and the front runner... Syphilis.
I named mine Lucy & said it's competitive edge was it's anger. I was then informed it took after it's owner... to which I say "BAH!" and surprisingly DIDN'T smack Hark (like to change it up.. the meds help but it's nice to keep em on their toes).
When race time approached we lined up our crabs (we ran them in groups of 4) in a pen... Ready! Set! Go! and we released the block & you know what happened?
Nothing. Crabs don't do anything. I really don't know what we were thinking.
Poking them with chopsticks doesn't help either. Capt'n managed to make hers scuttle 2 inches by poking it in the bum so we declared it an instant winner. After a lackluster race & a few Michael Vick comments we relented & decided to just throw em in the pot. I think Lucy was just mad I named him that... Found out you are only allowed to catch male crabs so giving him such an effeminate name angered him & out of protest wouldn't move...
I think next year we are going to try Lobsters but I won't keep you informed as Rule 1 clearly states You don't.........
I feel pretty safe in assuming that we've all been on a road trip. ANNNND I feel pretty safe in assuming that most of us have had too much to drink. ANNNNNND when you combine the two together, I feel pretty safe in assuming that it results in some late night hotel room debauchery & loudness.
side bar: One Vernon tournament weekend resulted not only in being kicked out of the motel but my 2 friends (brother's actually) spent a night in the drunk tank which actually worked in their favour. They both had beds & a good night of sleep while the rest had slept in a car & SUCKED bad the next day on the field because of it (definitely not the booze)... Actually only one brother had a good night of sleep. One didn't have a pillow & one got to use a roll of toilet paper to prop up his head.
ANYWAYS... so let's say you are on your stag & you want to do it up in style so you book a 1000/nite room. I suggest that unless you've done that before, don't start then... or just don't be a flaming retard.
I spent the labour day weekend up in Kelowna and not surprisingly, I met a stag. So when a flock of us went back to the suite for some aprés bar fun, there was a knock on the door. Yes, security came by to let us know we were too loud. (not a shock really. We did have the windows open, music on & we don't know how to speak w/out yelling). HOWEVER, it was the fat little agro man that spazzed at EVERYONE in the room that I couldn't handle. I don't appreciate someone yelling shut the f*ck up to my friends that are just sitting there. Not to mention the groom was a complete dickwad & was upset that he had been snubbed by Bell & brutal downstairs. I'm sorry, but girls get fed B.S. ALL THE TIME. So when you claim to be staying in some swank hotel & then CAN'T get in (no key, concierge ignores you), we assume yea, you're lying. It's called getting over it. I had to hear about it for a good hour after the fact & then the next day & then later that night...
Oh, did that seem long? yea, not everyone was a dickhead.. there were others that were fun.
OH.. and what is the difference between a 1000/nite room and a 200/nite room? Security wears flak jackets in the latter. Apparently I was rooming in the ghetto. When sercurity knocked on our door friday night we were met by a swat team. (ok, one guy) but did that stop us from continuing to party...... (ok, so I was asleep but my friends are nuts).
I am a faithful Starbucks drinker. I go if not once a day but 2 or 3 times. If I stopped drinking from there, I could probably save up a down payment for a condo. So needless to say, the Starbucks staff knows me & they know what I drink. Sometimes they have the drink done & ready for me before I even order. (That's the one time I change it up as I like to f*ck w/ them. It's really my only joy during the day). My new caffinated religion started when I first moved downtown about 5 years ago. Vancouver's downtown core alternates between sushi restaurants and Starbucks' locations. If you don't believe go stand on the corner of Thurlow & Robson and view the opposing coffee shops. But the new proximity made it easy for me to gain a new found addiction and our love affair began.
When I first moved downtown, I lived in the west end with 2 girls that had nothing other then a fateful ending. My Starbucks located on Davie & Cardero next to the Safeway where I was robbed on my birthday (yea, 31 was great but I digress). There were 2 guys that worked there that I always chatted with. One had a delightful accent & would inadvertently give me grandés when I'd only order talls. The other was a goofy looking but friendly manager. I really didn't think to much of it back then. I mean, when I worked retail, I chatted with our regulars too. It creates good relationships right?
However, things at home weren't as sympatico and it was decided that it would be best if I moved out. For those that know me, know that well, I’m not exactly easy going… no, I think I’ve heard the saying: Leanne, RELAX, many many times. Yes, I can work myself into quite the frenzy and even more so on moving day. So caught up in all I had to do that day, I thought I’d take a break and run down to my west end Starbucks just ONE more time. The friendly manager was working that April morning and was telling me about the great day he was having. His manager had came in that morning and had given him TWO Canuck Playoff tickets.
Now, for those not huge hockey fans, not from Vancouver or even Canada for that matter may not know what a coveted item hockey playoff tickets are in Vancouver. They sell out FAST and have to be one of the best things about hockey (playoffs that is).
So as he’s gloating about his glorious present he mentions that he has NO IDEA who he can take with him to the game that night….
My response: Oh yea? Well, good luck with that. And I walked away from his crest fallen face.
As the door was hitting on me on the ass, I realize "DOH!” that was the biggest hint drop EVER but what was I supposed to do then? Go running back in & say.. OH TAKE ME! TAKE ME! I get it now?
Yea, not so much. But like I said he was goofy looking & the Nucks lost anyways. Even better was the fact that I moved & never went into that location again. So dude probably thought it was him... meh.
This gave me a little insight to why I must be single… I’m retarded. Has to be as the retardation reared it's ugly head again just last nite. As I was out w/ some friends for a post bday drink, I got chatted up by a guy that I HAD met before (about a week and a half ago) and was making a pretty obvious play for me… or at least showing he was interested. THAT much I got. However, he says to me "I hope to see you again" & I respond with .. "yea, you will" (non Shaloah way)... Fueled by the fact my friends thought he was cute led me to a quick panic about exactly how will I see you again? how will this happen? or when? in November? Yea, I got nothing. Not a oh, sure.. why don't you call me? or, you should come to this. (course being that I rarely go out, I have nothing to invite him too. The Sex in the City characters always conveniently had openings and parties on the go.) My friends mentioned that there really wasn't really anything else I could have said there but coming from a newly married and a newly boyfriended, they dont' know what it's like to be desperate er I mean a woman on the go.
So Great. Now I have to resort back to grade nine tactics and go stalk Malone's patio. Worst is that I saw Hoops there & he'll probably think I'm stalking him.. WHICH I'm not.. setting the record straight.. AIN'T YOU... the other one.. the other one I'm stalking but in a good way.
I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I spent Sunday at the PNE with Splatter Platter and Madame High Kicks & was waaaaaaay to into the Superdogs show. (they really are SUPER dogs... ) Perhaps I don't feel 32 because we watched the toon town parade that featured adolescent boys lip syncing to crappy music which forced me to wonder whether or not their balls have dropped. I'm not kidding the cheese factor was so high, I was waiting for Uncle Jesse to come out from behind a tree.
I know it definitely has nothing to do with only seeing people I know in the beer garden. My friends pointed out it seemed weird that I knew no one ALL day OUTSIDE the beer garden but IN the beer garden, I knew 5 people. What can I say? Like minded people tend to hang out at the same place.
I know that without doubt, it has nothing to do with the fact we watched Trooper because when "raise a little hell" was released I was learning to pee in the toilet and therefore I am too young to be nostalgic. (BTW.... There are still Trooper fans. Odd I know as I thought half the band would be dead by now but I saw someone wearing a Trooper t-shirt from a show in Nunavut 2006.... These people came to the PNE specifically to see Trooper to have a good time, not a long time. Still waiting for Uncle Jesse to take the stage.)
I'm still having a face off with the eye cream that I got for my birthday last year and have yet to use it... Only old ladies use eye cream right? So that couldn't be an age feeling factor.
It also has nothing to do with the fact that I want to learn to play the Air Jazz Flute. I have air drums down as well as air guitar (Although, still haven't mastered jumping off the speakers while rocking out the guitar but I was always a little clumsy)
Side Bar: Madame High Kicks & I went to the bathroom at the Hastings race course because the men to woman ratio there is about 9:1 so the line up for the bathroom was nil. However, the ratio of live creepy men to dead ones was ALSO 9:1. MHK pointed out a toothless wonder sitting in front of a gaming screen as we exited the loo. So sure that this man was dead (his feet were propped up & he was passed out & there was no motion to him whatsoever) that we wouldn't even poke him. Rather, we just tossed trash at him to see if he'd flinch... nothing. So instead of notifying someone, we just booked it (OK, so we never threw anything at him... we just took pictures. kidding.... sort of)
No, splatter platter came in & wondered what we were horrified by. Seeing the dead man, he then proceeded to rip off his shirt & revive the man back to life by cradling him in his arms while singing you are the wind beneath my wings. When the man awoke, SP then played a mean air flute, we laughed & then got a beer with Uncle Jesse.
Because I kept tooting about how wonderful my former pets were, here are a couple of pictures.
At the last second, Elmo batted at the lens cap cover. Made for the most adorable picture. Although, you don't get a sense of how large he really was.
Mumford at Christmas. We had deer antlers too but he REALLY hated those & would try to eat them. Dogs apparently would rather be Santa then the reindeer... as shown here. You can see him smiling!!!My Poet is completely crazy and Lady confirmed that she has gnomes at her work as well. She can not explain why fabric samples go missing so often. I may have forgotten to mention that they steal stuff alongside messing up your place.
One is called Rob Loblaw...
I've received 2 more letters from him since my last post & my new theory is that he knows this site exists or he really is that odd. I'm at a point now where I only have an acct to have something to write about.... because I fear who it is I attract. Just today I hada 41yr old creepy friend of a friend email on facebook to tell me I could write on his wall anytime.
Second Letter from From Rob:
Subject: Breakfast Club
"YOU BURNT ME SO BAD MY LIFE IS SLOWLY PEELING AWAY.YOU HURT ME IN A WAY ONLY THE CAST FROM THE BREAKFAST CLUB COULD UNDERSTAND. "
Third Letter
Subject: Things That Move Me
"THE FIRE IN YOUR EYES SPEAKS TO ME TELLING ME TO PUT ON PYROMANIA BY DEF LEPPARD.I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THINGS THAT MOVE ME LIKE ELEVATORS,ESCALATOTRS,ROLLERCOASTERS...ETC.WHAT KINDS OF THINGS MOVE YOU?"
uhhhhhhh..... yea.
For the first time in four years, I did not get the exact same birthday card from my father. Which made me sad in a way as I was collecting them and in a couple of more years was planning on making a necklace. I give him credit for still finding a card that manages to laugh AT me upon opening it but at least it isn't the same goofy tiger but rather was replaced with a fairy holding an umbrella (insert the annoying Rhianna song).
No, it isn't my birthday so please hold your accolades. No, tonight I went out to Surrey (giant hole east of Vancouver... if you're offended too bad, it sucks) for dinner for my Dad's wife's birthday. Yes, the step monster got a year older but not a year closer to death by my guess. No, I think as she gets older, she gains more strength & power so that one day she will be able to eat my head with one giant bite.
Yes, every year on August 20, I trek out to Surrey to attend a birthday dinner and give her my overpriced present. This year was of no exception and I was phoned & informed that she would like an overpriced shampoo & conditioner she saw on Oprah that you can only find at Holt Renfrew (therefore, I've also concluded that she comes downtown several times a year and doesn't phone so I can see why I would want to buy her presents.... )
I sound bitter I know but you see, my birthday is NEXT week so my dad kills two birds with one stone when I go out for the dinner. When we arrived at my sister's place and was getting out of the car, my dad asks "do you have a purse". I thought he was ensuring I took everything out of the car when he all of the sudden hands me my envelope. No pomp & circumstance. No Happy Birthday just a quick shove under my nose & he turned and walked into the house...... thanks?
At least I knew right then and there I would be free next week because GOD FORBID I have a birthday dinner with my father. Seeing him twice within a week. (so side bar: I'm free next monday... drinks anyone?????)
No, now I probably won't see him til around Christmas and considering I am planning on going somewhere hot this year (vowed that to myself as I was trekking thru a foot of snow in Edmonton.... Seeing as I didn't get a chance to see any of the Ukranians, I didn't even get any freakin' Perogies last year... NO! this year I'm drinking Pina Colodas while tanning on a beach and I don't care who's around!). So in light of said vacation plans, I probably could push off seeing him til about March. Five bucks says I don't speak to him now til October.
No, I'm not talking about aliens. I'm speaking of something waaaaaay more rational and believable. I'm talking about gnomes or a facsimile of.
Yes, it's true. They live among us. I can't say exactly where as I've never seen one but I'm going to take a guess and say they're either under my bed, couch or in the corners of the closet.
My only basis of reasoning is that I have NO IDEA how my apartment gets as messy as it does. I've had several theories on this. One is that I'm home more these days so therefore there is just more clutter. However, I'm home more and can clean up these messes. Then I realized that when I'm not home much, I can come home some days & it looks like my apartment just threw up everywhere. So because I haven't been home, the cleaning just gets away from me.
HOWEVER! if I'm NOT home, how does it get messy and that's when I realized that I must have little gnomes that live in my apartment and mess it up because god forbid, I'm a pig. It's not me nor could it possibly be me as I'm near perfect and considering my one flaw is my giant egocentric attitude, it isn't my inability to put things back in a drawer.
As soon as I capture a picture of one of these suckers, I'll post it online but they're tricky. They're patient. They wait long hours for you to go to sleep & wait forever for you to leave home to come out & destroy. I know they are patient because in April when I wasn't sleeping, apartment was tidy... coincidence? I think not!
Just when I didn't think there was anything that could really cheer me up these days I received this little ditty.. Normally I don't paste word for word emails (such a huge liar I am) but I felt that this sufficiently freaked and weirded me out at the same time:
A poem to me:
YOUR SKIN IS AS TENDER AS A PERFECTLY COOKED LEG OF LAMB AT MY FAVORITE GREEK RESTAURANT.
BLEKA-FLAMENDER ZOOZMAN,GUN-STIG NEDER TOM-TON DA -VOMPING DAS VEENER-SNAWD.
YOUR SMILE FILLS THE ROOM IN WHITE LIGHT A WHITE LIGHT SO STRONG IT CONSUMES ME...LIKE A MAN CAUGHT IN AN AVALANCHE.......A FEMALE AVALANCHE THAT IM IN LOVE WITH AND SERENADE EVERY NIGHT.
FREETRE-VEEKER IMPA OODLE VEEP-VEEP DAS VEENER-SNAWD.
THE WIND BLEW LIKE A MILLION FANS FILLING AN ITALIAN SOCCER STADIUM.
SNEW-KEY FIN-SUM DA BUN-TON EZLAR DA SARKEY-SNEWD.
THE DAY WAS LIKE THE NIGHT ONLY WITH LIGHT AND THE NIGHT WAS LIKE THE DAY ONLY WITHOUT LIGHT.
Now, I don't know what that is in the italics (I've made this easier to read than what I got as it was one giant run on lump in my inbox). I would assume it is a different language only no language I've ever seen.
I'm open to interpretations.... go for it
I actually woke up this morning and decided that I didn't want to write in this ever again. I have felt this has become utterly pointless & lame and actually was resenting people all together... as the day wore on, the anger receded mostly because of recent events.
A friend of ours (me, brutal, bell, jammer, watson, tito, dark etc...), suddenly and tragically died on Friday while Houseboating. We're awaiting the autopsy results to know for sure what happened. While dealing with all the tragedy of Jimmy pop, I found out my friend's dad passed away yesterday. I adored him. Very sweet man and very kind. My darling friend is not doing well in all of this chaos. It was expected to happen this week as he had stomache cancer and was really just hanging on at this point. I don't know if the double dose of bad news is hitting me hard or his passing is making me remember how hard it was when my own mother died.
Right now, I'm not finding much funny these days, I hope things will get better & I hope the pain is getting a little less strong for my dear friends. I wish I could be out there in Alberta with you tomorrow but unfortunately I can't be everywhere. My heart will be with you.
I haven't been posting as of late much because my computer has decided to not let itself turn on. So in order to maintain work flow, I have been borrowing a computer back at my old office at Momentum. Although, it is very kind of them, not having your own computer is such an inconvenience. I thought that would be the extent of crappy things to happen last week.
Went up to whistler this weekend with several friends only to have it turn completely sideways and am having a hard time making heads or tails of everything. Life is short and *poof* in a moment it can change forever.
Cherish your friends, your family & yourself. With that being said, I want my friends to know that they all mean so much to me & without each of you, I'd be a basket case. You all bring so much to my life & I love all of you for just what you are... you.
Ever kiss a guy and after a couple of minutes he un-does his pants? Ok, so let me clarify that. Ever kiss a guy for the FIRST time and after a couple of minutes, he starts to un-do his pants? REALLY? that's not normal? Maybe someone should have pointed that out to buddy friday night... wait, I did as I went running out of the house.
Ok... so may be alcohol played a factor in the evening (it's me.... when doesn't it?) but I just don't know what he was thinking.... that if he did it, I would feel compelled to take off my own clothes? or rather, if it was out, I would get all excited & do other sorts of crazy things? Either way, it just made me run. ALTHOUGH Sunday... Sunday was a different story.. TOTALLY put out sunday. That'll show pants off guy.
Actually, it wasn't so much of a break up was it rather was closure. I figured though after no returning his last text, I wouldn't hear from him again but gay boy popped online yeterday to say hi & inform me it had been a long time. He wanted to let me know that he had been working every day. I was being abrupt but I finally figured, meh... just put this out of it's misery or he'll keep talking to you... I just let him know in the nicest way possible ... it's just not there. To which he told me he thought so but really there was no harm no foul as that was dating is. You go out a couple of times & figure out if you like each other and seeing as I avoided him like the plague when we were out, there was no awkward yea, but we slept together yada yada.
But what the real best part was (aside from doing it via msn) was that we had said earlier that there was no point in being friends post dating as we already have those... so he'll just go away.. he'll just disappear.. He'll just poof! be gone... OH!!!! I'm so happy. No trainwreck here. Guess there is an upside to dating a gay man.
Tomorrow night is the 3rd night of 4 of Vancouver's Symphony of Fire Fireworks Competition. Last Wednesday I found myself trekking over to Lady's apartment in Kits for a little rooftop wine & viewing (except I drank beer so I don't know what I'm talking about) but before I entered the cold beer & wine, I spotted a couple where one of which sported a fancy mulltet..... and it wasn't the man.
Aside from the fact that this hairstyle is lauded everywhere, women generally have a stronger finger on the pulse of hair-dos. Kind of baffled me that said hair was sculpted into such a shape. And it's not like this is a woman that has just let her hair grow out but rather it was VERY short all over the head with a sort of extension growing down her neck.
Last time I saw a mullet like that, I was knee deep in rye & perogies at my cousin's Ukranian wedding. Which brings me to one of my more embaressing family moments (and there are many) but this one is special because rather then my own bumbling, my brother is the one that threw the spotlight on me & left me red faced in front of hundreds of people.
Yes, the giant Ukranian wedding where my cousin invited 500 of his closest family & friends (half of which, I'm related to... starting to think I'm related to half of Alberta) & had the reception in the gymnasium of the local highschool in Lamont (half an hour northeast of Edmonton). I sat at a table with my brother, his wife, my other aunts & uncles whom I knew at the front of the gym in front of the head table. Great spot actually as it was in throwing distance to the bar and we got first picked to eat. So by the time the speeches started, we were past dessert & about 3rd drink into the evening (ok 5.. but I can't remember the count at this point in time).
First line of business was for the MC to introduce the head table. He arrived at the best man, the groom's brother, and was quick to point out that the ladies should be forewarned as he was single (laughter enused) and he managed to make that joke about a couple of the bridesmaids as well. Fine everyone had a good laugh. Then he turns his attention to out of town guests. Instead of just sitting there when their name was called, people rose & gave a small wave.
So the MC points out that I'm from Vancouver. There I am standing up in front of a gym full of people and me only knowing a handful when my brother yells at the top of his lungs "she's single too!... any takers??"
I stood there frozen in mid wave like a deer caught in head lights & I swear I heard an "ooh " come out of the crowd.
My brother had to make an early exit as his wife ate some bad chicken & I spent the rest of the night I kept avoiding farmer bill (don't know his name) and his tight white jeans. You know how you get an image in your head what a redneck would look like & then you actually see it? Yea, that was him... mullet madness, plaid shirt & tight white jeans. Kept trying to get in my line of vision. So desperate to avoid him, I kept polka-ing with Bernie (real name), the pharmacist who may or may not have been a cousin. Finally when I emerged from the bathroom, there he was standing across the hall & I got the Leather Tuscadero salute*.
NO IDEA why didn't snap him up.
Like I said, I was spending time with Bernie. Probably would have kept talking to him but you see during the speeches they also explained that the wine glasses were expensive (20/per) and that we should be careful with them. So half way thru the night.. 8 glasses of wine in, I'm telling a story & anyone who knows me, knows I gesture wildly with my hands & can become quite excited about a story. So as I'm speaking of god knows what (I know that most of my stories horrified him), I'm waving my hand around only to slam the wine glass down shattering it.
Ooh.... not good. I placed a napkin over said glass got up to change tables but not before making a trip to the bar (remember, in throwing distance) and grabbing myself a new glass of wine. (Well, I broke the other one). So as I sat speaking to my cousin Terri (who's sister's name is Sherry. Honest to god. That coupled with the fact I attended South Park Elementary makes me think my life is a cartoon), I again get very excited about a story "Bla bla bla..... " SMASH.... uh oh, that's 2. I just put another napkin over that glass & decided to switch to cans of beer.... at least those won't break.
Pretty sure the toaster I bought them didn't cover the cost of dinner, alcohol AND the glasses I broke.... Not looking forward to seeing what they'll do at my wedding.
*Not a Happy Days Fan? Pinky (wore pink, had red hair) was the girlfriend of the Fonze & Leather (wore leather and had a mullet when I come to think of it) was her younger sister.
When she said hello or said goodbye, she would slap her thighs 2x & then give you guns.
I just came back from having the WEIRDEST weekend ever. I spent a good part of yesterday morning thinking about what I'd write in this entry (actually while I was lying awake in bed writhing in pain because I drank my weight the night before in gin. Funny what goes thru your head when you're detoxing). Basically this entry was going to be angry and vindictive and sound hurt. However, after I stopped throwing up, my anger subsided & didn't feel it was necessary to single out a person on here. Rather, as the day progressed, I started to feel a little disappointed and instead of being angry about a single act, I am now seeing someone for how they really are. The sadness is still there and so is the hurt, but the anger is subsiding as it just takes up too much energy. Instead, I just feel loss.
Aside from that, I also decided that the day is always so much better when you're on a boat and I'm a good dancer.
High Kicks Forever!
I love hearing these stories. I may scream in whore-or but I love hearing them nonetheless... Keep firing them over & I'll keep posting them. (I may embellish details for story flow sake however)
Last night while at Ultimate, Porn Star delighted us with yet another tale of our friends. A couple together for a while one night decided to enjoy the pleasures of the skin.
What started out as an innocent exchange of love turned into a hot & raunchy romp fest. There she is on all fours & him just given'er from behind with balls just banging away against her ass.
Enter a cat from stage left.
While to some, a very sensitive part of the nether region is a very delicate area even in full swing, can appear as a fun kitty toy to others. So as he was pounding away, unaware of his surroundings, the kitty reached up with both claws & clamped on to his ever so tender nuggets. The immense shock & pain caused him to lurch his hips forward and throw his girlfriend headfirst into the wall.
For the next few days, he was walking bow legged & she donned a neck brace. WHAT I would have given to be a fly on the wall of that emergency room visit.
Moral of the story: If you own a curious kitty, lock the door. There is only room for one cat during sex.
So I'm enjoying a mini break at work and decided to check in with all my celebrity websites. Upon reading LaineyGossip.com, I found my computer screen being covered in juice as I spewed chunks when I read the following:
Scott also listed and ranked his past conquests....He rated Denise a 3…and Liza Minnelli – yes LIZA!!! – a 7???
So, investigating I went. I found his bio on wikipedia (I love how they have up to the minute updates)
On July 24th 2007, Scott appeared on the Howard Stern show on Sirius Satellite Radio and received a standing ovation from the staff. Not only did Howard ask to shake his hand, but also asked if he could smell it, in typical Stern fashion. On the show Baio admitted that Playboy quietly banned him from the mansion for a period of time in the late 80's since he had dated each of that year's Playboy Playmates and then some, totaling 24. A spokeswoman from Playboy called Scott and told him that he needed to "slow down" and some of the Playmates he was with were also involved with Hugh Hefner. In the same interview he confessed that Heather Locklear was the greatest lover he has ever had, hands down. He rated some of his lovers on a scale of 1-10. Denise Richards 3, Beverly D'Angelo 10, Liza Minelli 7, Melissa Gilbert 10.
Charles in Charge will never be the same..... everSo excited for this movie.... it's about time. Course this song has been running thru my head non-stop so I thought I'd share the pain.
To get married. Last weekend was a wedding, this past weekend was a stagette and right now Monica is proposing to Chandler on the TV in the background. I'm all ensconsed in the wedding glee....... of others.
Dark Bunny just got back from a trip to Alberta where she attended a Ukranian wedding no less. When sitting around lunch with some fellow co-workers, and we were speaking of different cultural traditions, it was made mention that Iranian weddings were very beautiful that Indian weddings have wonderful dancing. When asked what Ukranians do, I mumble out..... we polka.
Yes... Ukranians polka. SURE we have the fancy cossack dancing where Russian men flail their legs about as though they are separate from their bodies (we're talking some serious lower body muscle control here people) BUT given the right amount of perogies & rye, we resort to jumping back & forth. It's not HOT but you put back the drinks my uncle makes* & you try to have moves... It's actually quite a brilliant dance.
* When my uncle asks you if you want your drink to be two fingers, he doesn't mean your index finger & middle together but rather make the hang loose sign & turn it on the side and there's your alcohol quotient. This is my theory as to why some women have chest hair.
Don't believe me? At my cousin's wedding, when I went up tot the bar for a vodka coke, I am met by a polish vetran (well, we were in thier hall. Makes sense that we'd put them to work). He free pours me my vodka and directed me to the 'mix' table where I can add my own coke. My drink went a light shade of yellow. I kept haveing to drink a little bit and add more mix. Notice I am not pouring any of it out as that would be a great waste of booze. Needless to say, we ran out of drinks & my uncle had to make a quick dash to the store to re-stock.
One wedding in particular, where I was completely mortified by my brother (love you), we had our own Polka Band. There is no faking it here people, we're hard core. I managed to have a few jaunty numbers with a pharmacist named Bernie but not before I discerned whether or not I was related to him and unfortunately... I think I was somewhere. No big deal.. I managed to scare him off.
All I've learned this past week is that unless you're incredibly annoying, I will date you.... Yes, that includes Gay boy (not that there's anything wrong with that but there comes a definitive point in the relationship when you are both attracted to men that will hinder any further developments in said love affair).
No, after disclosing that he is indeed NOT gay and that he has never been asked that more since moving to BC, I still furthered the end by texting him to tell him that we really had nothing in common. The fact that he texted back & told me he thought we had a 'connection' wasn't what spurred another date but rather what happened saturday night.
Saturday day I went to the wedding of 2 complete strangers. Neither of them I had met before but my friend Jennifer needed a last minute date as her original one had to bail. So rather then take another guy & fuel speculation that he's her boyfriend (bride is her ex's sister... wants to give the right appearnce), she took me & we announced our African baby was coming in October.
The wedding was great. Food was good, wine was great, the people were fun. Our table consisted of 2 couples and a single woman in her 50's that was friends with the mother of the bride. Jen and I both had heart attacks because not only was she stuck sitting with us but was this a peek into our future 20 years from now? Here was this 50 something year old stewardess (sorry, flight attendant), never been married, going to weddings alone. I mean COME ON! Jen is already taking me as a date.. who's to say that we won't be showing up alone to these things pretty soon. Not to mention the fact that she's never taken the trip.. has been close she said but never went thru... ugh.. NOT enough wine my friends... not enough wine.
So, I figured I'd give the gay guy another chance... unfortunately for him, I now find him incredibly annoying so I doubt I'll call him back.... I just need someone that does more then waiters, & goes to wreck beach. I even commented that it's like he's 21 & he retorted with, yes, Isn't it great?
NO! no it's not, when I was 21, I was in art school, worked in a bar & lived in New West. Course, back then I had a car & cheap ass rent & loved what I did...... hmmmmmm, i may need to review this.
#821: There is no good way to ask the guy you're dating if he is gay (or at least bi.. I thought I was being tactful by asking him if he's ever 'swung'). Apparently, you are the second person this week that has asked him that. He doesn't know any high energy gay men and that in fact he is dark & moody. So when the last thing they say to you on MSN is "ok, now I'm offended" they wil l pretty much block you in a huff and log off. Probably won't answer the 'I'm sorry phone call' because god forbid, they're not being a drama queen but because as they put it, they're no queen at all.
Well, I wondered how I was going to get out of this one...
Stampede Recap:
•Tito picks me up at Sandra's house & was drunk
• Get on the plane & drink (I hate the turbulence over the rockies!)
• Spill drinks all over pants... obviously rub broken cookies all over front of pants
• Get to Jammer's......... drink, sleep, repeat
• Make fun of P-Wood including coming up w/ the name
Friday:
• Zip the COP
• drink
• suntan
• drink
• get ready for evening
• drink
• go to dinner
• drink
• dance...
• be an all assuming jack ass
• drink
• dance more (serioulsy, I owned that 2 foot space near my table... why I don't go on the dance floor is beyond me)
• Go to dance floor.... boys
SATURDAY!
• go home (hahahaha.... j/k)
• drink
• bbq
• drink
• go to Cowboys convinced we'll be out of there by 8-9........ close down bar
• drink
SUNDAY...... HOME!
Course, I'm the only one that comes home from Stampede & goes to another beer garden but in my defense it is the best beer garden ever which inspired our not finished (or begun) patio website. Followed by a bbq & watching my friends get hammered.....
THAT my friends, I call a good weekend.
I haven't bee posting... I actually have been to busy to post. Not only do I need to finish the Relay BUT I have to catch up on Dan's Birthday, Houseboating and now Stampede from this weekend coming up... so much drinking.. so little time.
Here's a little thing for you to ponder while I'm away:
Why do people insist on talking to you in the elevator? I'm taking all my stuff down from houseboating to storage & then grabbing my suitcase to come back up.
A family gets on with suitcases in tow. I'm doing my best to be unapproachable. I'm staring at my feet & standing in the corner. The dad comments "you look like you're going to the beach!"
Sure, I'm holding a sleeping bag but whatever. I just mumble out "no".
*pause*
The mom pipes in "So do we not get to know where you're going?"
Ok.. why? why do you need to know. Why MUST I be going somewhere & you MUST know where that is. Do you want to come?
I inform them that I'm not going anywhere. (and rudely may I say) And the daughter finally asks: Are you taking it to storage?
Seriously, this family is fascinated by me. I also don't know why they think I MUST be going somewhere I'm dressed in one step above pjamas. (I have to quickly do laundry before I take off for stampede).
So they get off on the ground floor, and the daughter says, good day. I don't say anything as I'm madly pressing the close button. She repeats herself louder: Have a nice day! and she lingers by the door when she's doing this to ensure that I hear her because obviously, I'm the one with the problem. Ok, fine. So I'm an asshole but they were annoying. I've never seen a nosier group of people with a bigger need for love & acceptance. I know didn't have to be a complete a-hole but it was funner this way.
I wish when they asked me where I was going I had answered "hell". They probably would have hugged me & said that sounds like fun.
So I received a text from Train wreck late last night (329am to be exact) stating the following:
Are you going to stay mad at me forever??? Would be nice to hear from you to know your still alive anyways going in for surgery tues and off all week call me
Note the mispelling of you're (your). Sorry I'm fickle, but it's one of my biggest pet peeves.
I didn't get the text til this morning as I spent a better part of yesterday sleeping off my 24 hour relay (posts to come) but I when I read it, I couldn't help myself. I had to respond with:
Are you finally having your head removed from your ass?
Apparently, I offended him... it's mean.
I think it's pure Gold.
Apparently I was chastised yesterday because it wasn't 'jucier' . So sorry to disappoint you that I did not take him into the back & shag his brains out... not my style........................................ anymore.
I was going to let the whole thing lie but was coaxed into contacting him and in true dumb boy fashion I got a dumb response.... nothing changes.
Am starting to feel better from the weekend. Well, I was feeling fine yesterday. Sunday however, left something to be desired. Saturday, Veternarian was celebrating her 35th birthday & thought it'd be fun for some pre drinks at her place then head out to Roosters for a good ole' Ho Down!
In theory this is great... In practice it's bad.... all bad.
Pre drinks were chocolate martinis which unfortunately do taste like chocolate & go down as such. The to-go cups were probably not neccessary. Nor was the über long drive out to Roosters (courtesy of her friend). When faced with an hour-hour & a half line up we decided to high tail it back to Coquitlam & go to Boone County (may as well keep the country theme of the evening). Which was fine as there was still more to-go cups! So I was in fine form to do more shooters once I showed at Boone. Luckily for me I got to see..... The Apologizer in all of his agonizingly earnest air. (I think I REALLY don't like him). Not only was he there but an old friend from back in the day (yey!) and.................. someone who I really don't know how to describe. I'll name him Leiutenant Crazy.**
**SIDE BAR: Leiutenant Crazy is a security guard for Brinks Armored Trucks and dated a friend of mine several years ago. He was so in love with her that could NOT accept her dumping him. I doubt that she ever really liked him but rather was an "ok, fine... I'll date you if you'd just shut up"
Cut to a couple of years later at a mutual friend's wedding, Girl in question's husband had left for the night. Leiu decided that this could be his chance. Ran back to his room to change from his suit into denim shorts & a wife beater & come back to show off his what I could only imagine is where muscles would be. This then stirred quite the scene which resulted in him punching out his best friend and having to be held down & kicked out of the wedding. Leiutenant Crazy, thank you for being ................ you.
SO you can imagine the horror I had when I received an email from him when he got home saying "thx for the lap dance"....... Yes, Yes I did that. I somehow managed to do a half assed clamored dancing thing sort of on him. My only consolation in this is that I threw up shortly afterwards. Apparently, my body rejects Leiu. It's a relief really.
Yes, the Vet & I had to go home becuase we were both ill from our festivities. Worried that I was all time a-hole. (Love the fact I never really have met her friends before and I get sick), I talk to her the next day to find out her friend thinks we're hilarious & recounted the many things we did once we arrived home & well, yes it sounds quite funny. I'd tell you about it but seeing as I can not recall any part once we left the bar, it would be half assed.
All I can say is that I will never drink a martini who's recipe we find on the backside of a candle again!
So Friday saw me in my sweats working away at my website (coming soon!) and getting ridiculous phone calls from Tito & Bell. Turns out they are having drinks on her patio and they insisted that I join them. Believe it or not, I was reluctant as once I enter work mode, I tend to not want to veer to far from the right so after some persuading (more like, "just the f up & get changed & come here), I saw myself swigging back the martinis with them.
We had decided that we were hungry and headed to Cactus Club. I had promised some friends that I would be stopping by their place as well so when the lot of them went on to Opus, I jumped in a cab and headed kitside. The girls were having a 'who needs boys when you have toys' party and I got there at the end but not before listening to a very informing CD...... (seriously, who would buy an instructional back door CD?) but I had arrived there at the end (no pun intended) The girls were packing it in for the night so after a glass of wine, I saw myself heading BACK downtown and outside Ceili's.
Fathead was no where to be found & I was not about to wait in line. Right about here, Tito came stumbling out. I thought Bell had sent him along but it turns out he had lost her. So the two of us decided that the moose would be a more fitting place to have a drink.
I love that my night had slowly deteriorated into that. That just a couple of hours earlier, I was sipping a martini at Opus (before I headed to kits) and now I'm in the Moose. Albeit, fun but more grungy then other places but I wasn't complaining... I can get my full gong show on there... but didn't.
No, I was in the back corner fumbling with my black berry (thing is so old & big that it's hard to handle w/ one hand), that it pops out of my hand and lands in the midst of a group. I scramble through the legs to grab it & manage to stand up right in front of a some what cute guy who doesn't hesitate to ask if had been at the moose to watch a playoff game and points to the table to which I sat.
Now, I pause, I had to recall what he was talking about as it was 2 months prior to when I did that but YES, yes, I had been sitting in that very seat watching the game with Stine & Cap'n Jess. We were actually having a meeting about the Auction that night and I recall the guy as well. He happened to be sitting underneath the TV that I was watching & it was impossible to not make eyes with him every time I looked away or changed focus.
I pointed out that I do remember him & recall that he had invited about 18 girls to sit at their table. He smiled & explains that he is a tour guide. HOW that factors in, I don't know but I let it slide... dude remembers me smiling at him from 2 months prior... OBVIOUSLY has good taste, I can't argue.... let the flirting begin. I hadn't talked to him that night of the hockey game but he had my attention now.
So he was trying to me somewhat smooth & asks if he has to wait another 2 months before he sees me again & tries to find me a card to which he had none.... So I mention that it may look like it'll be October before I see him again (when hockey season starts for all you non-watchers). Frantic at the thought (k, so I'm playing up that part... but it's my story.. ) he figures out another way to give me contact info..... he runs off & comes back with a make shift card that he fashioned out of a receipt. I asked if he would take me on a tour of Vancouver... he said he would if I called and left. (why, can't I be this flirty when I'm sober? No, in real life I stare at my umbrella)
I haven't phoned or emailed... I don't know why but I think it's because I really have nothing to say..... I had my own cards on me that night and could have just passed him one but it was way more fun to watch him scramble around but now I have to contact him. Meh, I'm sure after a couple of martinis something will inspire me... but no chocolate ones!...
Saturday night saw me take the toll of the chocolate martini & am unsure if I can go down that road again. Damn you Paula & your delicious recipe. Note to self: never trust an drink recipe that comes on a candle.
I've never had to write "Not Married. No Kids" as many times as I have in the past 2 weeks. It's starting to become humiliating really. Not that there is anything wrong with my life but I really am starting to relate to Bridget Jones more and more with each email I compose. Next thing you know, I'll be sitting alone drunk in my apartment lip syncing to bad love ballads... WAIT! that was LAST night.... Yea, I got nothing. Here's to a good guilt free summer. Let's face it, can't houseboat the same way when your boob is leaking milk.. just ain't right. (offside but meh, my blog).
I haven't been employed for over 2 years... In both the Advertising Agency & the Marketing Agency which I worked in, I was never employed as an employee but rather have just worked as an in house contract and have been paid as a vendor.
Recent events have just taken me out of the office and put me BACK at home where I was working just a year ago. This is something I actually wanted... well, I didn't want it in THIS apartment as the box is getting smaller each day I swear. However, I'm back to my own hours & schedule which I love and although there will be long hours ahead of me, I've managed to cut back on the 14 hour days (which will follow soon, I'm sure. Ok, who am I kidding. They're here again... but the crying has minimized).
What is different I've noticed is that I'm actually busy working. I haven't been writing because I haven't had the time believe it or not. Also, the past week of self loathing has finally subsided & am feeling outgoing again.
Anyhoo... summer is encroaching on us & I can feel the patio bevies on my lips as I write this.... let's hope it's going to be a good one. I had a dream last night that it was the end of August & I couldn't recall the summer. I was most unhappy about the fact that I didn't get to wear all of my fun summer clothes. Then I made out with Daniel Craig. HEY! I don't question it.. I just dream it.... Speaking of which, I'm going for a nap...
So it's the weekend and I'm begrudgingly accepting that fact as the past week has been one of self loathing.... why you ask?Mostly because I went to a Bobblehead Fundraiser & acted like I've never been out before.
to sum up: drink drink.. get ready.. drink drink... go to party.. drink. Work door. Get crabby....
Need to lose crabbiness so I pull out the limbo stick... OHHHHH yea.. the limbo stick. I'm starting to see this contraption as being my fall from grace. As not only does it increase my drunkeness 10 fold but I seem to act in ways that are unbecoming of anyone i know... mostly me.
Exhibit A:
Not to be out done... I give you Exhibit B: (with the aid of Stine's art direction)
Words escape me except I can safely say these are NOT the worst ones out there! No, those are safely with me & have been un-tagged in facebook.... Unfortumately for me, as the week wore on, i found out more & more details from that night... It's not that I have forgotten any of the details from that evening it is just that I don't recall them right away on my own.
For example, my friend Gord re-informed me that He has a video of me dancing.. Yes. Yes, you do.. i remember now. He told me to dance like no one is watching & then I did.
I was also informed that I managed to slam my purse down for emphasis on a point but all the while that I kept bitching out my poor victim, I picked it daintily up & continued on my way. Five bucks says I put lip gloss on too.
I was remiss to find out the one person I made an ass of myself too, bitched out & completley aliented will not disappear off the face of the earth as I first hoped.. NO! he gets to be the life long friend of Special K's fiancé. THIS is not good. In fact, THIS is the opposite of good. THIS is bad.
Yes, the fiancé and Dutch friend grew up in Calgary & both live here now with Dutch friend being the latest transplant only have moved here in November. Am so looking forward to THAT wedding now and it ain't just for the seafoam green dress that she promised I get to wear.
Jennifer #501 (i know that many), was trying to run interference on me all night but my classic answer was "I know what I'm doing... "
right. You do, if your goal was to have someone tell you that they despise you.
Never been told that before & I can safely say that is a strong word & that hasn't sat well with me all week.. Despise... just say that out loud.... Despise.. wow.. harsh.
So my week of wallowing is up and I'm faced with another weekend of general shenanigans & tom foolery course I won't use those words as I'm not THAT big of a geek.. but I'll see you on the flip side.. maybe something good will come from this weekend and I can put that smile back on my face... ``
