Jump In... the crazy's fine.

I may have stolen that from Special K but it' fitting for today's post.... before I begin that, I must comment that celebrating Little friday generally ruins Big Friday for me... can someone please pass me the fries.. Thanks, that'll go well with my 2 litre of water.

Anyways, for the regulars, you know that I've moved a number of times these past 10 years or so. From Tsawwassen to New West. From New West to Richmond. From Richmond to Marpole. From Marpole to Cambie (sight of the lost diamond ring) From there BACK to Tsawwassen which finally saw me land in Downtown Vancouver where I started deep in the West end slowly making my way east first at Thurlow, then Howe finally having me reside in the cusp of Yaletown.

With all of my moves and all of the years living downtown, I would have to say the craziest place I lived in was NOT the west end but rather the sleepy suburb of Richmond.... Yes, all of the flat land, planes & malls make you go off the deep end.

May be it wasn't Richmond as much as it was my apartment building. No... wait, I take that back ... it was Richmond. There was crazy all over the place. I forgot about the dude we named Chuckles as he just walked up & down Richmond Centre laughing to himself & mumbling what must be really good jokes.

But my apartment building left something to be desired. The apartment across the hall from me must have been reserved for residents from a halfway house as I don't know how else to explain the two ladies that lived there during my stay. The first one... well, she was fine and so was her boyfriend as long as he stayed on his medication.

One day as I was rushing out of my apartment to go teach an aerobics class (Yes.. yes.. another time another place people) But I was rushing out & realized I forgot something & in classic Leanne manner, cussed in the hallway & ran back in to get my item. When I re-entered the hallway there was a slightly older man standing quite ominously in front of me yelling the top of his lungs "Stop saying those things about us".

Me: "What did I say?"
Actually, I didn't cuss loudly but I'm worried he mistook my mumblings for something directed at him.

Him: You know what you said
Me: No, honestly.. I didn't say anything. What did you hear?
Him: It's too disgusting to repeat
Me, totally baffled: I've never even seen you before. Why would I say anything?
This is true as I had never seen him before in my life nor since then thank god.

This goes back & forth for quite some time & he's just eyeing me up and down and I'm starting to sweat the fact I may be late for my class. He begins to mellow out again...

Him: Well, if it's not you that's saying that, then sorry.. but if you are... STOP IT!

Me: ok? and I rushed off.

When I got back a little over an hour later, I hear a knock at my door. Great! Part II.

It's my neighbor looking a little sheepish. She came over & asked if I said anything to management. Unfortunately for me I hadn't as I hadn't had the time and it hadn't occurred to me yet because I was still confused at everything that transpired.

She went on to explain her boyfriend was OFF his medication and she wouldn't let him back into the building until he started up again...

Great. Just what I wanted. A guy who is off his medication that is out to get me.

Unfortunately, the woman who followed her wasn't much better but there's just not enough time in my day to tell you about THAT one.

Vancouver....

Vancouver BC is considered one of the most beautiful cities in the world and well, I will have to agree. Nothing compares to the view you see while driving up Highway #1 towards horseshoe bay.... at sunset, I would even say breathtaking.

I myself, live in Yaletown. It's a "newer" residential area of the downtown core that has been developed since Expo 86. (check out this link to see http://www.city.vancouver.bc.ca/commsvcs/fade/fade.htm )

However, as beautiful as Vancouver is and becomes, I'm always brought back down to earth when I'm walking down Seymor street and see a lovely woman hike up her skirt and scratch her ass while her smoke dangles from her ever craggly, wrinkly mouth...... direct eye contact is NOT an option.

K... Seymor & Richards street used to be quite the delight for many as it was hooker stroll but as the old buildings have been torn down & apartment buildings are put up, the hookers have had to relocate. However, a few blocks east on Hamilton, you can still find "boys town"

Enough for the social commentary (or whatever that was) but yes Vancouver is not only home to beautiful scenes but some "beautiful" scenes...

Case in point. The other night while walking down Robson street (the shopping mecca of vancouver.. I personally hate it as it's a crowded strip mall) two guys cruised past in a mini van while singing over a loud speaker.. you see.. it's those moments that made me remember all the fun people I've seen over the past few years.

You have
The one armed push-up guy (although, I heard there's one in every city)
The homeless, shoeless guy that sits and cries (people, it's an act... I've seen him fight w/ his gf)

The crazy lady who, for five bucks, lets you pet her goose that rides in the basket of her buggy

I heard that the guy that rollerblades sans shirt whilst playing the violin moved... I will miss him. Did I mention I saw that on a bright March Morning

The duck head guy... yes, a man walks around pushing a shopping cart while wearing a duck head..... um???? ya.

There is Harmonica man... carries a tune but as you walk by always has time to give a quick hello

The man who claims I'm lovely like a flamengo

The man who punches me when I walk past him (not a favourite)

The man who thinks I follow him (also not a favourite & actually scares me a little)

You have the man that plays guitar & screams at the top of his lungs "BARBIE! is that you?? " when I walk past....

Yes, Vancouver is a variable mecca of oddities.... and making this list just make me realize I have not delved into my smorgabord of psychos that I come across on a daily basis...

My friends are convinced that yes, it's only me.

I'm sure I forgot a few.... feel free to add on.

FINE

I would like to introduce everyone to Karate Girl...

Karate Girl...Everyone.

She's the logical force behind the comment in the previous entry that basically put my entire argument into the gutter.....

With people like you around that has irreverent trivia at your fingertips you put people like me with idle time on our hands out of business and are back to being just that..... Idle.

No one wants to hear me talk about my yada yada so I picked pirates... that's now moot so I have nothing..... Perhaps you won't mind when I come over to your house tonight to watch America's Next Top Model. May be we can pop some popcorn & cuddle on the couch?

All I can say is be prepared for tomorrow folks... it'll be a doozy.

I can't believe it's not butter

That title really has nothing to do with this entry as I was going to say I can't believe I forgot... but I'm so influenced by TV and all of it's jaunty commercials that I had to spit that out as though I was being mastered by Pavlov himself.... phewf.. that was a long sentence!!!

NO! I'm disturbed.. I'm upset! Neigh, I'm beside myself.... I completely missed "It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day". You know... the day that that world waves their sword in the air & yells "yarrrrr" in unison.... Ya, ok WHAT?

Apparently, on September 19, it is International Talk Like A Pirate Day........ there are so many things wrong with this (although right too) that I don't know where to start but let's try these...

A: Why is this International? why and how are people throughout the world aware of this speech impediment. (my pirates somehow always sounding french)

B: How does something like this get recognition? where does this start? who is this mastermind.. these are things I need to get to the bottom of.

C: Is Disney behind this debacle in attempts to boost sales of Pirates 2 DVD's?

D: WHY pirates? Why do we as a world WANT to talk like pirates? again.. HOW?? how? does this come about?

F: I think Capt'n Morgan should jump on this band wagon.... really in fact any rum drink should as I assume Pirates would also be "rum" runners... haha.. i love a good pun. I figure this is good as this time of year is Oktoberfest & beer is getting so much recognition.. Although rum really does have the Christmas season under it's belt with all it's egg nog running around.... (k, now i"m rambling & really isnt' that the point of a blog anyways? I want to waste time... you want to waste time.. SHAME ON YOU.. GET BACK TO WORK!.. WAIT... just finish this entry first. I'm starved for attention.)

Can October 19 be International Talk like Frankenstein Day? You know in lieu of the encrouching Halloween? We could all stumble around & just say.. uuuuhhh. Yes, it would be awesome... I will bet you any amount (insert loophole) that I will walk around on October 19 talking like Frankenstein.....

Odds n Ends

The past week or so has sparked comments from many one of which is that none of you wanted to read about my crotchal region... HEY! I put in a disclaimer. It's your fault that you read it but at least you all know I'm long.

Also, my doing high kicks in my apartment has begged the question from a couple of you: "Why are you doing high kicks alone in your apartment?"

My only retort to that is Why would I be doing high kicks with someone there? Am I performing? Am I showing off? Shouldn't the real question be why am I doing high kicks. Apparenlty it's like drinking if I'm doing it alone, there is a serious problem.

When I wrote about the best quotes of the summer, I completely forgot about "Orgasms in the sky" well, may be it didn't really slip my mind so much as I wanted to forget about that.

A few Tidbits.....

Here are the wig girls in their glory....

Me with the P-Kings & Nina... note the penis cup.
I love that my veil looks like horns.

And probably the only other picture you'll see as the rest are very incriminating... and I think I look like a man in drag. The girl with me is apparently my maid of honor. Found it funny that after knowing a couple of these girls only a few hours that it became political.. ha.. chicks are funny.

So excited tonight is the annual Brewmaster Festival down at the Plaza of Nations which I'm heading down with the likes of Stine, Shaloa, Hatch-it & Red (although she REALLY hates being called that.. I have no other nick name for her.. fine.. she's now known as Woman)
Picture it, micro-breweries from all over BC come down to sample their varieties on people like me.... so happy that this too is a write off for our website.. still in the works mind you.

May be I should take an online poll to see what Stine, Shaloa & I should name our website course we may end up with a retarded name like "Snakes on a Plane" which is how that was derived. After consulting the masses... this is what we as consumers came up with as a movie title we'd rush to see. If I had known that, I may have suggested "Another Movie with Samuel L Jackson saying Mofo" same difference.

Happy Friday.

So I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in 11 years. (EW, I know right.. but what are you going to do without dental?... ok so I floss but some things you can't avoid) Monday night I woke up with searing pain in my jaw.... I can't even chew and when I do attempt it, electricity flies down my spine & tears instantly spring to my eyes.

I phoned up Prudham for help as she is a dental assistant. All I could say is "Get this f**cking thing out of my mouth". She gave me some advice & referred me to a dentist as there aren't a lot that do extractions (who knew?)

So I went in thinking they'll inspect me & schedule an appointment when as soon as I sit down is he inserting a needle into my mouth to freeze it as he commented that this would be pretty easy... after a couple of yanks & 200 dollars later, I was on my way...

WAS that it?? 10 minutes of work & you get $200?? It was less painful when I was robbed. Although this was quite similar as once the novacaine wore off, I felt like I was punched in the face, I was profusely bleeding and down a couple hundred.

Can't wait til next month when I have to go back for another one..... til then... floss floss floss.

I am a pretty sentimental person. Those that know me well can contest to this fact as I hold on to the most inane crap for years and anyone who helps me move begs the question: Why do you have so much stuff? I have managed to pare it down somewhat over the years and therefore have decided to hang on to the items that are most dear to me.

One thing I have felt at a loss about is that I do not have a lot of things from my mother who passed when I was only 18. I don't even have a lot of photographs as she hated having her picture taken & generally was the one taking the photos. However, the things I do have, I have hung on tight & fear to lose.

One such item was a diamond ring (just something cute & small... takes on the shape of a flower) that she had bought her mother, my Baba. My mother passed first, and my Baba followed about 3 years later. So when that day occurred, my Uncle thought it only fitting that I received Baba's ring that my mother purchased and so I wore it. I wore it every day.

One day I thought I lost it in the school library at Kwantlen and had a complete bird. I was bawling & freaking out. Turns out, it only was misplaced and the custodian managed to find it for me. So you can imagine the despair I felt when I thought I left behind a box of memorbilia in my old Marpole apartment.

Now, I have moved 9x in nine years and am getting pretty good at the packing thing. I lived in Marpole just after finishing school back when I was 25 (and I just celebrated my 3rd annual 29th birthday.. you do the math). I left that apartment to live with none other then the infamous Charlene. I had gone back to the marpole apartment after moving to clean & pick up any remaining items. So a few days later when I went looking for the jewellery and I couldn't find the ring, I only surmised that the ring was forever gone as I was sooooo sure I left a small box behind in the apartment. (Why I never just phoned my bldg mngr is beyond me). But I surrended pretty fast and have felt not only guilty but also shitty about the whole thing for several years now.

Now that it is turning into fall and the weather is starting to become a little more gloomy, I tend to get into a bit of a 'nesting' phase. Yesterday was of no exception. Most of the night was rained away and I had bought new jeans and jewellery so felt the need to go through my closets and throw out any clothes I don't wear anymore.

Now, I'm an organization junkie. I love closet organizers, baskets, dividers, jewellery pouches where every item gets it's own zippered pocket etc... I have this red, chinese print jewellery holder pouch that rolls up & ties for quick storage. Probably meant for travel but I don't own a lot of stuff so it suits me just fine. While looking for a place to put my new necklace, I un-zip the pouch and I kid you not, out rolls said ring that has been missing for 6 years!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!? Do you know how many times I ripped apart my home looking for this thing when all along it has been hidden in the fold of the pouch? So startled I was that I started crying & felt a bit like a gomer but it's my family ring!!!

Sentiment is only what we as humans put on items. The thing could have been a plastic cup for all I cared but it meant something to me & am so happy that I found it.

I also found the ring my high school boyfriend gave me for Christmas... now what a piece of crap that was! I must have really liked him to be proud of that eye sore.

Wig Out 2006!!!!

I'm not going to lie... Friday sucked. It sucked big time.. it sucked so much that I even cried. First I made up stuff in my head to be worried about (this is something I do on a regular basis because I'm a girl that overthinks EVERYTHING)

Secondly, I got into it w/ someone I work with... About an hour later of fighting, we finally came to a good resolution but the weight of the argument is resting on your shoulders.

THIRDLY and finally and the most sucky... the bank basically told me "you're stupid, it's your fault you were robbed & we can't do anything for you so you can now say goodbye to your youth, looks AND money"..... awesome.. I didn't want to go visit my friends in Vegas apparently after all.. super great.

Lucky enough for me the weekend may have started out that way but it didn't last... S finally came good on a bet we had. So when I came back from the defeating meeting at the bank, I had a giant bottle of Crown sitting right there in the middle of my desk... Woo Hoo, the weekend is finally looking up! So a Friday night that was coined as a low key evening, turned into me rolling in around 3am. So much for self control.

I just got an msn msg from a friend that told me that I looked good on Friday nite.... good to know that is why probably I was getting chatted up in the bar. Also may explain why, while walking home alone that evening, a car would pull up beside me and roll down the window to say something to me...

K, I live in downtown Vancouver, & get dumb ass comments from freaks, weirdos & dum guys on a pretty consistent basis. So I was pretty prepared to blow off these clowns & give a good dose of attitude.... but not before they informed me that may be I should stop talking to myself......................... errrrrrr. oops. Yes, I forgot I do that... I just need about three cats & to relocate myself into the west end where I'd really fit in.... HOWEVER... I have to say, some of those conversations with me are the best I've ever had.

So after a fitful sleep, I managed to get out of bed, clean up & pack for what would be my stag?... yes, I had my stag on Saturday night. Bet none of you knew eh?

Saturday night was the Annual Whistler Wig Out. None of you know about because there is a secret society of drunks that get together, put on wigs & go out on the town in Whistler under the guise of a stagette. It started four years ago for one of their friends who's stag it really was. They thought it was so much fun that they had to keep it up. So the following year, one of the girls volunteered to be a bride. Last year was a real stag again & this year they needed another fake bride...... guess who stepped up to the plate?...........................ohhhhhh yeaaaaaaa. I brought it baby & then some.

I've learned that:

A: I really actually can lie as long as you don't know me
B: I'm a very dirty girl
and
C: You can never go to far. (Actually, I learned that from Ferris Bueller but I was able to test it out Saturday night)

Needless to say there are dozens of shameless photos that I will NEVER post on this site.

An added bonus to the day was the unveiling of the para-Olympic Logo coupled with a free concert that included the likes of Spirit of the West, Chantal Kreviazuk & Philosopher Kings... That was pretty fun. It combined my two loves.. Outdoor concerts & anything free. Philosopher Kings proved that there are 2 panty removers.... Gin & them.. HOLY crap are they hot. I've seen them 3 times in concert & love it every time. That night in Garfinkels, I got to meet the lead singer & the piano player..... Do you ever get the chance to meet two people that you have been panting over for a long time? It's pretty exciting right? It might have been a better moment if I wasn't wearing a pink wig with a veil attached whilst holding a penis cup.... Not Hot.... Nope. Not Really.

I have to say that yesterday my stomache hurt from laughing too much. (such problems) and that it really was a great time. These girls were so much fun. My favourite line of the night is when someone would ask me "So is this your stag?" and my response would always be "Do you think I dress like this for fun?" ... hey, I wasn't lying they just chose to not believe the ridiculous.

One of the Reasons I Love Being a Girl

I don't believe in slowing down... In fact, I like going through life at about 180Km per hour. I apparently also like going that fast on the highway.

Yes, it's true. I have a bit of a leadfoot and have received my share of speeding tickets. I'll pay the tickets but it's those points that kill me. (For those of you not familiar with BC driving laws, you get points against you when you receive a ticket & after your third ticket, you have to pay off the points. Which is pretty much equal to the ticket in the first place... so you could be talking about 300 flushed away... I guess I didn't really have to be there so quickly)

But what used to get me was that I was always busted in the same spot..
Usually on Highway 17 because that last stretch between Ladner & Tsawwassen killed me.... as usually I just wanted to be home. (yes, I'm a T-Town girl at heart)

I remember the first time I had ever gotten pulled over. It was in Point Roberts, the tiny jettison of land that protrudes below the 49th parallel and therefore is deemed to be part of the states. So needless to say, I'm not just freaking out that I got pulled over but that I am also being pulled over in another country.

Picture it. I'm 17 & driving my Dad's Cadillac Eldorado. Bimmers is sitting shotgun & we're both donning our teensy bikinis as we are heading back from the beach. To get back around from the beach to the border, I have to drive up this never ending slow road. (30-35 miles/hr?) but it's so long you want to book it at least 55 if not more.... especially w/ a V8 (ya, like you don't push it when you're driving that car.. i'm not a pimp so I don't see the need to "cruise")

Anyways, I get hailed down...
So as the patrolman walks over to my car to find out what was the rush.

He asks me in a gruff tone "Can I please see your license & registration?"

At this point, all I have running thru my head is what my ex had told me "Just play dumb"

So I very casually flip my long blonde hair & flash him a giant smile. I then proceed to, while sticking my chest out as far as possible, ask in the sweetest voice I can muster
"Is this the registration?"

I'm pretty sure Bimmers was doing the same thing as she is drop dead gorgeous.

The trooper then informs us "yes, yes it is..... "

but as he asks us "so where you girls off to?", he is slipping off his sunglasses,
bending over the window and taking it ALL in.

Unfortunate for me that was the only time I've been pulled over in my bathing suit & after a certain age you really can't be that stupid... so now I'm broke.

Leanne's Top 10

So apparently I spent my summer vacation getting spanked & putting my foot behind my head. I realized there was a problem when at the last ultimate game of summer I could exclaim: "Oh! I have tons of pictures of me doing that!".... Really? Should I?

Anyways, out of the summer also came some really great quotes... may be even some to live by.

Here is Leanne's inaugural Top 10
(feel free to add on for those that feel neglected)


10: "That's why I wouldn't make a Very Good Ninja"

9: "I don't live in a Box... "
"What does that mean? That you get around?.... "
"no, that I've BEEN around."

8: "Let's just be friends"
"With benefits?"
"There is NO benefit to being my friend"

7: "Goulet"

6: "If you can't walk on the sidewalk, there's a cell waiting for you."

5: "I'm a Male Model!"

4: "It's all about being in 'G' Major.... "

3: "I had a pretty eventful night"
"I swam here"

2: "Last time I went down a hill like that, I didn't have a very good Monday"


and the number one saying from Summer 2006...............

10: "Safety doesn't take a vacation"

How I spent my summer vacation

I know i'm a good time but what exactly is going on here?

I think we all remember this nite....


Who couldn't love this face?

Never did get him back very well....

Even Girls are getting into the act...


The drinking helps...


Sometimes you need a disguise...


I got nothing... hide your eyes...


Seriously... how many people have spanked me?

How many pictures do we need of me doing this anyways????

I think I've done it... I've horrified myself.

I want to say that this was one of the best summers I've ever had. However, the photo montage may say something on the contrary.

But I met some of the best people this summer... strengthened friendships... tried new things & all in all had a good time....

Thanks... see you next summer!!!!!!

Why won't you make a good Ninja?

So on a whim, I jumped onto a bus & headed up to the Loops to see Furniture Man. While sitting in the hot tub (one of the many things promised to me if I arrived), his friend divulges that because her ankles crack, she wouldn't make a good ninja.

Granted, yes, her numchuck skills are divine but it's that inability to sneak up onto your prey that REALLY holds her back... I too think I would have made a good ninja. So today, while working at home, I got the great idea to see how high I could kick (ok, so I was just dancing around my apartment) but I misjudged the distance between me & the blinds & well, ya. They're now a pathetic heap on the floor.

Ninja's apparently also have depth perception.

Leanne's Vagina Monologue...

Yes. Really... this is going to be about what it says so if you're a man or really don't to hear the following stir-up story, may be you should move on cuz you're gonna learn something...

I was reading my friend's blog today www.brutallyhonest1.blogspot.com which talked about her "yearly"... as she stated:

"We women call it a yearly so we don't have to say the word pap smear in front on men. Most women try to avoid the word smear at all costs when it pertains to anything actually."

I myself, say I'm going in for my scraping... ya, I'm horrific. Really, this has got to be one of the most unpleasant duties we have to do as women alongside the many other unpleasant duties that we have to do. No matter when I go in, something happens where for some reason I have to go back just a few weeks later to endure the pride swallowing sequel.

Sure, some women out there are reading this & thinking "What's the big deal? I'm in and out... no problem". Yes...... for you. For me, it's a different story. You see, I'm described as having a long... let's say canal for lack of a better or correct term. Yes, I need the extra long duck bill (speculum) in order to get a good view of my cervix but of course no one listens to me.

So I book my "yearly" with my doctor to find out it is a learning clinic & a first year resident is going to do my exam instead of my regularily scheduled doctor who is just around in case anything happens. To my joy it is a woman. I'm really not comfortable enough going to see a man. I draw the line there.

So I get shuffled into the tiny, air conditioned room. Air conditioned because it doesn't have windows but why should a room where you disrobe your bottom half of your body have to be chilly... I'm sitting on metal damn it! Anyways, the resident comes in and is quite lovely. She is probably as uncomfortable as I am as she's about to get to know me really well. So after the regular once over (I may or may not have skin cancer at this point) I have to assume the position. And what a proud position you're put into too. There you are flat on your back, your feet are shoved into some metal stir-ups and your knees are begrudingly spread apart only to be told that you need to "scooch down". So great.. you wiggle your ass forward only to hear "a little more" So now you're flat on your back, feet in stir ups and you feel like your ass is about to fall off the edge of the table while she prys your knees apart to "have a look".

Ok, yes, I will admit it... I've had sex but you know what? He doesn't get a light, open me up & inspect my inner workings at length now does he?

So needless to say, the resident was having some trouble... seems little miss newbie can't really find my cervix... So how about she goes and gets my doctor for some assistance. I mentioned that my resident was lovely and she was. She explained everything she was about to do, she warmed up the speculum for me so it wouldn't "startle" me. She apparently had some time where as my doctor didn't. Nope she rushed in , took a look & said, oh ya, she needs the long one (like I'm not there). Rips out the old one, throws in the new one (no time to warm it up either, I'd like to add) and assumes the position of back catcher.... great, now I got not one but 2 people inspecting my hoo ha.

"do you see it?"
"no"
"yes, it's waaaay in the back"
"oh!.. ya, i think so.. ya, there it is"

Uh -huh... thanks for that quick view into wild kingdom. Can we please move onto the commercial break so I can put my pants back on which would have happened except my doctor forgot her clipboard.

When she entered the examination room, she did so thru a sliding door from her office. A kind of secret entrance if you will . Apparently when she entered the room, I get all the privacy I could handle but What? Seeing as we couldn't find my cervix, I don't deserve the same exit? Ya, no, when she realized that she forgot her clipboard, she swung the hallway door open and stretched herself in to grab it. Ya, Hi.... kinda exposed here. Can you may be shield the dude's eyes behind you for me... Thanks.. that'd be great. Did I mention that the door was at the foot of the table... I hope I never hear "Sorry, I didn't recognize your face"

Just talked to Dave... aka Gaylord (well, I'm the only that calls him that... I would be the only one that calls him a leprechaun except he's developed a dance that re-iterates that point).

Anyways..... we decided that a good name for a group of hookers would be the Mattress All-stars.