In Action

If I look like this while I play ultimate, I'd hate to see my sex face.

It's Friday, Do you know where your Beer is?

Who's the Fool that decided to leave me in charge?????


Impromptu change of plans from Salt Spring to the Loops (cuz that's the same... the Lovely Majestic Gulf Islands or a dusty pit in the Thomson region) has me & 7 others going on a road trip this weekend.

On the agenda thus far: Scavenger hunt (oh, dear), 20 km run (hahahahaha!) and some dancing at a bar I fear to tread into as I have not entered since I was 2o & remember it being a hole then & believe it promises to be one when I return.

At least I'll be in G major.

Grace: Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

I used to be dancer and a pretty good one too if I do say so myself. I loved it and did it every day. If it wasn't ballet, it was Jazz, if it wasn't Jazz, I was at Cheerleading (shut it). If it wasn't that, I was practicing the piano. Anyways, I was quite the little talented one at one point as seen in this picture when I was 16 (I love how I thought I was fat. Course I was comparing myself to other annorexic dancers so my gauge was off).

All of this was of no consolation to me as I lay sprawled out on the side walk on the corner of Smithe & Burrard last night. You see, I may have had formal dance training but missed the day they taught us how to walk.

I have got to be one of the clutsiest persons I know. I don't know any other adult that falls down as much as I do. Granted, I haven't done it in a really long time & thought may be just ma y be, I've outgrown that "awkward" phase. All last night proved was that .. No. I'm still a spaz.

I actually decided to go over to a friend's place to watch the fireworks. For those of you not familiar with Vancouver's annual festival. We have a bi-weekly fireworks display around this time of year for about 3 weeks where different countries from around the world set off fireworks set to musical scores. I'm not sure what it is that they win. (pretty much just prestige) but along Kits & English bay, 300 000 people gather to watch these half hour shows. Last night we got to see Italy show off their pyro skills.

Not a giant fan of the fireworks as I've grown up here & the novelty has worn off but watching them from roof top decks is pretty cool as you are with your friends & not surrounded by swarms of drunk high school kids. (ah, flashback to me 15 years ago). The newer vancouverites liked them and even likened them to "orgasms in the sky" course this being said from a person who last had sex when it got dark at 4pm. (When in droughts, I myself get crabby... They see sex in EVERYTHING)

Anyways, because I hadn't been there before I phoned Shaloa up to get the buzzer code & realize I'm standing at the wrong entry. As I'm walking around the Paramount building to get to the right entry, I realize I can't see the building numbers. So I walk towards the edge of the sidewalk staring straight ahead not paying attention to where I'm going.

I love new developments. They really try to make the place lovely. For example, in front of the paramount, they have the sidewalk lined w/ potted trees. Yes, all except one which is where I stepped & came crashing down on my face. Eager to save the bottle of wine I just purchased, I only put out one hand to stop my fall and came crashing down onto my left knee/right hand. The same fall that occurred back in Rome just a few months ago.

Right away I was asked if I was ok. My first reaction was no as I'm lying face down on the sidewalk of Smithe & burrard and my skirt is pretty much over my head. My second reaction is shit! My wine is broken. Ok.. I lied. My first reaction was the wine. My second was that I'm sprawled on the sidewalk.

My knee was stinging as it was gravel that I fell onto. A couple of moments go by and the nice gentlemen help me up. May be they thought they could get another peek up my skirt but no, I managed to limp towards the door. I arrived just as Kim was approaching. She looked a little stunned to see me as I'm bleeding and still picking gravel out of my hand. Good news is, I'm a clotter!

So we head BACK to the cold beer & wine but I thought may be cans would serve me better & opted for beer.

My question today is: Why is my toe sore? Is that from the bedspread?

Just cuz I'm narcissistic.... That has to be the UGLIEST costume ever!

That can't be good for the sheets....

So I think if I ever need a ride, I'm just going to hang out on the corner of Broadway & Vine as Saturday night I was starting to walk to Stine's place when 3 guys asked me if I needed a ride downtown (they apparently were aware of my getting in strange guys cars program). Stine was deadfast against me getting in until one of the fellows pointed out that he knew her.

As the group of us were walking down the street, we passed by their place & they invited us in for a drink... never saying no to a free drink, Stine & I stop for a while and got to know a little more about our new friends.

Turns out Trapper Dan & the Sunshine Boy were business partners and SB had an old friend come in from Gibsons for the weekend. So they spent the afternoon on the patio at Malone's when low and behold a girl that Trapper Dan once bedded walked in. He was killing himself laughing when she entered.

You see, it started out as a pretty standard story. He used to be a bartender at a downtown bar, sees cute girl & takes her home. He awoke in the night probably to go to the bathroom (insert foreshadowing) and notices he's wearing his jeans. Why he put them on he doesn't know but he does know is that his leg was soaking wet. He pulls back his new $600 sheets (who's high maitenance here) and notice the bed is soaking wet... YUP! you got it! Cute girl is a bed wetter.

He confronts her about it and she says "Big Deal. It's just alcohol pee."

Uh-huh. Right.

Along with his newly acquired sheets goes his futon (why you'd spend that much on sheets for a futon is beyond me. But obviously his judgement is the best as he has sex with bed wetters).

So when Cute Girl walked into the Malone's Patio she stops to say hi not to Trapper Dan but to the Sunshine Boy & his guest. You see, bed wetter went to highschool with the boys. Sunshine Boy is reeling from all of this information thinking OMG I am knowing waaaaay too much about this old friend when Guest pipes in.

"Oh, I know all about that. She did it to me too!"

Awesome. It's her thing.

Boys, I wish I knew more about her and I could you warn you off her but unfortunately, this story just proves A: Never bring her to your place and B: Don't stick around afterwards. The morning sex just isn't worth the trouble of being peed on.

How I Got Screwed Without Putting Out...

It's funny how you leave high school and you hear from people what they thought of you or who you were. I've learned over the course of the past 12 years about many people's perceptions of me, rumours, and secrets. On the rumour front I have heard that I was apparently, quite the "entertainer" but recently also learned from someone that he didn't hang with me because I was apparently frigid because I was religious. I told Lola that last week & she was quick to point out that no, I wasn't frigid... (thanks) but as it seems to show no matter who you were talking to, I was thumpin' sumpin'.

So based on this vague description of myself is it really surprising to find out what happened to me at Stampede?

Some people think I deserved what happened. Tito claims he warned me dude was an asshole... However, I feel to see how waving good bye & yelling "have fun" is a warning. I missed the memo that day on the change of signals.

It's a classic tale of drunk girl meets drunk guy in bar & are attracted to each other. Nic & Sandra did say they didn't like them but I blew it off as someone gave them sass & they so they don't like the person. He was nice to me. He helped break up Jimmy pop's fight & calm him down. I thought how bad could he be. So after I sent Sandra on her way to Jam's w/ her guy (entertainment for all, later) and lost Nic. I was pretty much left w/ Oil Rigger.

Tito was available for comment but as mentioned earlier he told me to have fun. As he puts it, he likes to be supportive of his friends getting laid. However, that was never my intention. I wasn't even planning on leaving with him but as the end of the evening was drawing closer I mention that I would like to spend more time with him but I made it clear that I didn't have any sexual intentions. Course, in my opionion, the guy is thinking Ya ya, sure... But no he agreed as he just wanted to get out of the bar cuz his ears were ringing & just wanted to sit down. Cool.

So we left, grabbed a cab & headed to his buddy's place as that was where his truck was. Once we got there we decided to go inside. We were hanging out downstairs for a while when I point out that I was getting tired (HEY! it's like 2 am & I've been out since noon). So we decided to go upstairs to crash. He promises that he will be a gentleman. It still hasn't occurred to me that we're at his friend's place & not Oil Rigger's. But it probably didn't cross my mind as Oil Rigger had been drinking as well and probably shouldn't drive.

I'm not going to say there wasn't any touching but it was pretty PG. I halted any further advances and suggested that we should go to sleep. He DID seem a little taken a back but was fine with it and we drifted off. A little while later, my phone goes off & see that Nick wanted to know if I was still partying... um. no... I go back to sleep and wake up about an hour later & notice that OR's not there. I fail to remember if he was there when I awoke to check my phone. I fixed myself up & headed out of the bedroom, down the stairs & out the front to find out...

THE BUGGAR TOOK OFF ON ME!

Yup, his truck was gone. I was floored. He had not only left the bedroom door open but he left the front door ajar too as it made the bing bong noise when it closed. So in fear that he'd wake me, he snuck out of the house in the middle of the night abandoning me at his friends place in God knows where Calgary.

Seeing as I hadn't met his friend who owned the house I am now wandering around in, I didn't know what to do. I really don't want to go knock on his bedroom door & wake him up. So instead, I'm downstairs rifling through his office looking for any mail that may tell me the address to where I was. I had tried looking out the street but seeing as it was a new subdivision, there wasn't any street signs erected. Turns out I was in Lake Chapparel.. where's that? Well, it's the most Southern part of Calgary. Ya, there was Buddy's subdivision & then Nothing.

So after a half hour wait and a 50 dollar cab ride (There's nothing better then being on the opposite side of the city from where you are staying) all I can say to Oil Rigger is .... touché.

Why you shouldn't give out your phone number... especially after a few beers.

I hate dating. For many reasons. It's awkward, you usually don't connect, and you feel like you're on a job interview except in this realm it's more of a sex interview.

This was all confirmed to me many years ago. I guess the relationships that I've fallen into were just that, fallen into. They usually just start & don't involve a lot of games or weirdness. You like me, I like you... let's begin.

However, one day I had found myself single & on one of my infamous pub crawls. It was St Patrick's day 6 years ago and I believe I was even a bus captain of this affair so I had run of my bus.... and of the booze. I whooped it up. I drank, I flirted and gave out my phone number... mistake #1.

Needless to say, he phoned me during the week and asked what I was doing the following Sunday. I liked this so far. We knew mutual people. Hell, he even dated someone that I knew so I figured he was 'safe' . I like too that he was to the point & there weren't games & lots of back & forth phone bla bla bla. It was also my last year in design school & I really didn't have a lot of free time as the projects were piling up. So Sunday it was.

He came and picked me up .. guess what? NOOOOOOT quite how I remembered him. Funny what beer goggles will allow who & what you do.... well, ok. I don't like to think of myself as shallow but let's just say I don't normally go for shorter guys that resemble elves.

He takes me to a restaurant not to far from my house. He's gracious, he's polite unlike our waiter who was pissed that we were the only people in the restaurant and so obviously wanted to go home. I swear it was like a tv show with the quippy little waiter that cracked jokes after every order you made.

I love how I try to be on my best behaviour & don't want to drink to much...... well, that is until I got to know him. It was pretty standard get to know you kind of conversation. We talked about school, work & family. I always find explaining family weird. At this point in my life, I assume everyone knows that my mom passed when I was young. So I try & bridge this subject by talking about sides of the family (mistake #2) when he does this kind of chortle to himself. Not an out loud laugh but rather he drops the hand that was holding his fork and looks down, chortles and shakes his head. So I dare to ask what.

Me: What?
Him: Well, I don't really have sides of the family
Me: ????
Him: ya, my parents are kind of related.
Me ????????????

Ya, you can believe that I'm not blinking rapidly at him but rather bold face staring right at him in disbelief.

Yes, you see, it's 'cute'. His parents, who are cousins, used to play with each other when they were little & then moved apart. Then one day fateful day years later saw eachother and were like "ooh.... you're all grown up." bada bing.

It's about this time where I left my body at the table and floated high above & sho0k my head at myself. I re-entered my body, ordered a drink & changed the subject: The millenium. (mistake #3)

At this time it's only March 1999 and so what you're going to do for millenium new years was the talk of many (granted it was in 9 months but I needed anything that revolved around booze at this point).

He mentions that he was thinking of going down to San Fransisco & hanging out with his cousin for the holiday.

Can someone please pass me a filter??? Yes, I had to say something. It's true. I can't hold it in. I'm the queen of the quip; the angel of alliteration....

Me: Careful, you may get some.
Him: *Chortle*
OH MY GOD!

Ya, so apparently, not an issue for him as he's already explored THAT option! I didn't even leave my body at this point as my heart just completely stopped. He thought it was 'cute' as it was JUST like his parents...... EW!

Was he absent that day in school where they taught you incest was wrong? I love how I changed the subject YET AGAIN (i'm starting to see why the waiter is laughing at me) and he tells me he doesn't get why all of his cousins are super tall and him not so much.. IT'S CALLED THE RECESSIVE GENE YOU MUTANT!

Now remember my two drink rule? Everything is a good idea after two drinks (minds out of the gutter people. Please keep up) No, I agree to go to the Flying Beaver. (mistake #4) I'm thinking may be if I just drink enough, I can forget all about this evening.

So we sit imbibing when, I have no idea anymore, how we got on the subject of bathing suits.. Hey! Why not? You just outed that you're into incest, that your parents are illegal & well, you're ugly to boot. I learned that I'm not a fan of the banana hammock, but guess who is????????

Yes, he drops me off & insists on walking me up to the door. Course I do the, slip quickly through the door, try to close it on his face, but he keeps talking thing. So I'm doing the head bob, uh huh... ya.. ya.. i'll call you.. uh huh.. ok.. ya... buh-bye... and bolt up my stairs. (first right move all night)

I walked into class the next day and all I could utter was: His parents are cousins

No elaboration was needed.

I think it took me a good year before I could give out my number again.

Self Awareness at its Best

To the day I die, I refuse to believe that I'm stubborn.


It's more about the fact that I'm right and why would you concede if you are so obviously correct?

What would you do for free beer?

My apartment is an oven and if you've ever tried to sleep in one, you'd know you can't. So on goes the late night TV. I'm watching David Letterman & he had these two guys from Canada on there trying to establish a new world record. In what you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Catching a hard boiled egg in your mouth from 250ft away. (only our nation would do that)

I don't know what Furniture Man's problem was. It was only about 10 feet. Granted it was a frisbee but there was a free 6 pack of beer in it for him.....

M*#%&@&*&#^%R!

Believe it or not, I do sit still sometimes and last night was a case in point. After going for a walk with Briana, I came home to indulge in a favourite tv show, "Rockstar Supernova" . I don't normally watch these shows as things like American Idol drive me up the wall but I'm a sucker for this show. Not to mention that I met one of the contestants (Lukas from Toronto) right after he just finished auditioning for the show. I told him if he made it, I'd vote for him. So true to my word, I log on & cast my vote each week. It does help that he is actually quite talented and in my opinion a strong contender.

Anyways, while on commercial break, I start flipping around (I may be sitting still but I still lack an attention span) and see that "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back" is on City TV. I love Kevin Smith movies (Dogma, Clerks, Chasing Amy....) so I tune in.

If you know anything about these characters and movies, you'll know that these 2 have appeared in every KS movie. Jay is the yappy one while Silent Bob is what he is... silent. Needless to say the movie is a long continuous rant made by Jay and is peppered throughout with not just swear words but heartfelt cussing. I'm not saying that I'm offended. I'm saying that may be it isn't tv friendly. But God Bless City TV.

They apparently fired their censor and decided to show the movie in it's entirity, swear words and all... Nothing was going too far. That is nothing except motherf#*cker. That's crossing the line.

For example Jay says: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.

But bleep out Motherf#*ker because that's going too far.

My Halo is Held Up by my Horns...

I always say that Sam is my bad influence friend. We all have them and you're probably one to someone else. I'm not saying I don't do bad things when she's not around as LR's dad has always said her & I are "partners in crime" but generally, I was the mastermind behind any half baked ideas (toilet paper, cliff jumping, sneaking out, Pt Bob camping, hot tub parties, pjama drives and so and so on) However, I probably wouldn't have done half of the things we did if it wasn't for Sam. A strong factor was that she lived in Victoria for almost 10 years and there's something to be said for road trips.

Since leaving Victoria, Sammie has calmed down somewhat. She now works on a cruise ship in the caribbean & I really only see her a couple of times a year. Granted we keep in touch with weekly phone calls when she is in port but there is a certain calmness about her. I noticed it more when we were travelling through Europe. We had met a girl from Victoria when we were in Valencia and we all decided to fire it up one night. I said to watch out for Sam as she's the bad influence. At the end of the evening, Sandra whipped around & yelled "She's totally angelic; You're the devil!"

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Interesting.

Although, I'm starting to wonder if there is a little truth behind that statement. You see Charlene has had a growing concern for my liver as of late and she revealed that she's passed this link along to a couple of her friends that also seem to think I'm crazy. As she pointed out what happened on my visit to Springfield (half way between Boston & NY), she agrees with Sandra.

I love this picture from that fateful night as you can see my halo. Albeit it is a beer sign which in my opinion makes it that much more appropriate.

Here we are on a Sunday evening in downtown Springfield looking for a pub to get a drink. Even though it was memorial day weekend, there very few pubs open on a Sunday night so Char, EJ and myself were stuck going to the same one we went to the night before except on this night, some lone strangler decided to join us.

Yes, some weird guy "travelling through town" asked if he could sit with us as he didn't know anyone. It didn't take much for us to let him sit with us as he kept buying rounds. But it was my eagerness to see NY that brought out what happened next. The following weekend, Charlene and I had planned to go to the city & play, but that was a whole week away in Leanne Years that's about 7 months. So not content to wait, I've now confiscated the stranger's car keys and took everyone hostage. Yes, I had been in Mass for almost 24 hours, it was about time for a road trip.

Why he was going to let me drive his car to NY, I'll never know (ok so it was a beer induced decision) Even though Charlene & EJ were trying to be covert & not let me leave town (saying "Well, if I'm going all the way to NY, I'm going to need my sweater & heading upstairs is a little transparent.) They're neighbors so they're both at home talking on the phone trying to figure out a way to make me stay.

No, Charlene convinced me that I didn't realize how long of a drive NY really was & that, and I quote, "need to act my age". I would act my age but seeing as I didn't go to NY when I was 21, I need to make up for lost time. I managed to coax them back into the car by promising we would only go as far as Hartford. So once I removed the propane tank in the back seat, we were off! Hey: safety first.

She's told me that when this picture was taken, he mind is racing & totally freaking out. A second strange guy had appeared from nowhere & almost wouldn't let Charlene go so I ran him over.

So we only went as far as Hartford, had some breakfast & came back. We dumped strange guy in a parking lot somewhere. I felt kind of bad that his propane tank wasn't where we left it but he was now snoring in the side seat so we left him & went home. I think EJ was officially scared of me but how bad was that? Considering everything, it could have been waaaaaaaay worse.

So despite what you all think about me, I think I'm a little angel! So I guess I need to step it up a notch if I want this summer to be one of the best!

OH! When we finally did make it to NY:

Char in Central park vs me in Central park (I need to cut back on the caffine)

And of course, if you're going to be in NY you gotta go to a Yankees game!!!

You can see Mr. Cranky Pants in the bottom left.

Opa!

Weekend checklist:

1 Scraped Knee
1 Sore hip
1 cut toe
2 Miscellaneous Pains in my lower back & below my hip (I have an inkling as to how these may have happened but then again, I was hearing stories saturday regarding friday nite that I had no recollection of. So then again.... may be not)

Liver: not in pain (nice!)
Pride: well, I never really had any to start with so this is rather moot
------------
A few weeks back, Briana accompanied her friend Lisa to a party of my mutual friend who happened to have a small "thing" going on with Lisa. So eager to hear all about it, I called up Briana and asked how the evening went. She said she thought the party was kind of "young" so I asked her to explain that to me. She thought that it was young because at the end of the evening, the place was in complete disarray. That because drinks, bottles and what not was left EVERYWHERE, it signalled to her that his friends must be kind of younger as her friends would probably pick up after themselves somewhat and may be even throw away garbage.
(about now you're probably thinking what I was... sounded like a good party) I did hear from him that they managed to drink out of every single glass he had & he spent half an hour doing the dishes. I can only say to perhaps invest in some plastic cups next time.

This crosses my mind because I wonder what Briana would think of the party I went to where we not only drank out of every glass but at the end of the night managed to throw them all against the floor... Not drop, not bump, not slip but slam your drink back & throw it on the floor... yes, it was greek night in Victoria. I suppose it is one way to avoid doing dishes... just a little more hazardous to your feet.

Furniture Man invited me to accompany him to the island this past weekend with his friends for a birthday surprise. I took him up on it and got to meet some great people that I believe are a little more out of control then me. Ok, so they're more of an even match but I've never blown out my birthday candles, ripped off my shirt & challenged the room to a handstand fight.

I can't really blame them for getting too, too crazy. The limbo stick was able to make another appearance. With a little packing tape, I fashioned a pseudo limbo stick from a broom. Granted it had a little less flair but was just as effective. After a few rounds of that, we were in fire it up mode (Ok, may be we woke up fired up but the extra push helped bring us over the edge). It has been decided that it needs a name. "Bimbo limbo" is just not gonna cut it. This will require some thought and am accepting suggestions as my idea of "Liquor down below" is a little long.

So after a 3 sailing wait, a bottle of gin & being front row to an awesome rendition of "You're a Strange Animal", I sailed across the Georgia Straight for what was to be an awesome weekend. Thanks for the invite, I hope to do it again.

Every breathe you take....

Yesterday I kind of went on about the lunch I had several weeks back that I said didn't go well. It's not that it didn't go well. It was fine. I think what did it for me though is that he is a one degree of seperation from my stalker.... yes, I had a stalker. Or No! I'm sorry, may be not because as he put it, and I quote, "I don't have to stalk you".... then don't. I don't understand the problem here but what does that mean? that I'm privleged that you dedicated so much time to freaking me out? Besides him, I've had one other instance with a man in the bushes that ended in a 911 call but whether or not he had been watching me for a while is up for debate. (reason one for leaving the west end).

Anyways, no, this is about 5 years ago. I went out with Kira one Thursday on a whim to where else? The Roxy. Not only did I go out on school nights back then, but I also hung at the roller. I met this group of guys. Stalker had originally tried to chat me up but I was more interested in his friend in the corner. Believe it or not, I go for quiet guys. May be it's because opposites attract. May be it's because I like to have all of the attention or may be it's because I just find with quiet guys they don't seem to have to prove anything. Whatever the case, generally when you get them alone, they don't shut up.

Anyways, the guy that I fancied didn't live here as he was getting his MBA at UCLA and was home for the American Thanksgiving weekend. We agreed to meet up again that weekend but seeing as neither of us had cell phones (I honestly don't know how I got by back then without my phone), we had to exchange our friends' phone numbers to get hold of each other. This is how stalker originally got my number.

The weekend passed, I saw MBA again and said we'd see eachother again at Christmas (which was only about 3 weeks) It's during this time that the fan got covered in goo.

Even though, I had met MBA's friends and got along with them and even chatted to one on occasion (as friends) it was stalker that made me pause. You see he started phoning & not just me. If I wasn't home, he'd phone Charlene's phone to see if I was with her. If I wasn't, he'd phone Nic & Kris's phone to see if I was with them. This is all happening of course unbeknownst to me or at least to the extent of it. I was with Charlene one night going to her company christmas party when he phoned her cell from guess where? Phoenix! Ya... just thought he'd say hi. At this point I still didn't have a clue that he was phoning my other friends.

It was one night when I was safely tucked away in my bed sleeping that I recieved a call from him:
Him: Hi, what are you doing?
Me: Sleeping
Him: Ya? you like being alone in your bed?
Me (not fully awake as it's about 3am and so didn't get it at first): Sure, I can sprawl out
Him: No. Do you like being ALONE in your bed?
Me (clueing in... who am I kidding, I'm always slow): HUH? UH! ya! I love it.. can't beat it.....
Him: You know, MBA has forgotten all about you, you shouldn't waste your time on him bla bla bla bla

OK dude... he's your best friend & you're totally mowing his lawn.. What's up with that?

Christmas time came & there was a one day window where I might have seen MBA as I was heading off to Edmonton to spend Christmas with my brother and so needless to say didn't see him.

I came home shortly after the holiday and took my friends out to a Grizzlies Game (was working at GM place back then). That night Kris divulged that dude wouldn't stop phoning looking for me and Charlene told me about how often he phoned.. FROM EVERYWHERE. What got me is that Kris wouldn't have any reason to lie to me about stuff like that so I decided to confront stalker once & for all.... but it went more like this on his voice mail:

"Look you weirdo.. leave me the alone, leave my friends alone & never, I repeat never phone me again"

This prompted him to phone me at work and rebuttle with "I don't have to stalk you".

Grrrreat.

What I love is that MBA, being the close friend he was, wouldn't believe that his buddy would ever act like that and thinks I was a little harsh..... um. OK?

I've seen stalker since then at the roller and pretty much hates me (good) but as I was chatting with him, he tells me that he bought a house out in Pitt Meadows. I say "oh ya? out near riverview eh?" apparently didn't go over well.

Needless to say, I don't want to invite THAT back into my life.

Who's in your corner?

I've been busy (apparently drinking) and never got a chance to mention the date I went on a few weeks ago. Yes, yes... now that I'm single again, I have to date (well, I don't have to but I figured, hey! free lunch) so I threw on a skirt and met him down at the Yaletown Brew Pub for lunch.

Now, who's the one person you DO NOT want to see when you arrive at the restaurant? or better yet, who's the one person you DO NOT want sitting directly behind you in the restaurant.... yup, you got it.. the ex boyfriend. Not the recent ex but noooooo, shiraz (not his name, but the reverse name coined that term and I like it as I like wine so there you go) with his gf, Jen.

It's not that bad as I have a really unhealthy way of staying friends with my ex's. Seriously, I've tried to stop talking to them or cut them out of my life but they keep popping up again and again. If I block them online, they phone. If I don't answer their call, I see them on the street. One actually asked me to please not ignore him when I see him.

However, Shiraz is friends with my friends and is not that easy to escape and besides, I like his gf. Not the kind of I'm going to call you & let's hang out but I'll talk to her at parties etc...

We exchanged a few pleasantries. Turns out they forgot they were supposed to go see our friend's baby later that day & begged to not mention that I saw them there. Sure. So I sat down at my table for what would have been the most uneventful 90 minutes. I shouldn't say that I suppose, I've too many "eventful" dates & just don't realize this is how they are actually supposed to go.

Of course I phoned later that day to get an opinion and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey
Shiraz: What's up?
Me: What'd you think?
Shiraz: About?
Me: Him.. the guy i was with.. that wasn't a friend..... it was a date!
Shiraz: I didn't look
Me: you didn't look?
Shiraz: I didn't look
Me: What do you mean you didn't look?
Shiraz: Look at what? ..... I'm a guy.... I don't look.
Me: *gafaw*
Shiraz: K.. I'm getting my hair cut, I gotta go.

A few days later, I see Shiraz online & I needed to ask him about something else and right before he signs off he tells me:

Shiraz: Oh, in case you were wondering, you can do better
Me: I knew Jen looked!
Shiraz: Ya, she asked me after you phoned if that was a date & was hoping for your sake, no.

May be it does pay to have spies in the restaurant after all, even if they are the ex (they do know you after all)

Yak This...

This is an official Female Yak Herding outfit. Actually, I don't know if it is for female but you see the men get different boots. These ones look like they could acutally pass off as real boots. Why would we have this at stampede you ask? outfit courtesy of Bernie, our friendly Mongolian electrician.

These are the winter yak boots.... quite fancy!

When I put on the hat we decided I looked like a stripper
(great, I got a back up plan). You may care to note the white blop in the middle of my stomache where I apparently slouch when I tan.

I just love this picture because we're all hanging out and no one is talking to eachother (two of us are even on the phone... Mark is checking out world cup action... and from the look on my face am probably reading a text from Nick) Yes, I know my sunglasses are what our mother's wore in the 70's. To clear it up for the 178th time.... I bought them for a 70's party (so you're partly right) and then I lost my real sunglasses but have been to lazy to go get new ones. I find it odd how many compliments I get on them.

I'm a Male Model....

I really don't know what I was thinking when I got up and went for a run this morning. All this time I thought my lower back hurt due to my stodgy hip when it turns out in fact it has been my liver...

My newest theory (been having a lot of them lately) that partying & aging are like basketballs... when we were young we bounced back no problem. Now a days when you throw the ball it hits the ground hard with not much return. That's me... I'm a deflated ball.

The weekend was good. Got in late Thursday night as Thunderstorms in Calgary postponed our flights. Was good to see that my friends were firing it up regardless of the time.

Friday was mostly lounging around Jammer's all day which if the psycho had it her way, would have begun at 8:30. I woke that morning to her sneaking into my room shaking my toe telling me she has jet lag. When that didn't work, she grabbed my ankle, pulled out of bed & dragged me to her room where Dale & Nic were.... thanks.

I don't know, you tell me. Am I hardcore? I thought last weekend the headache I got was from the fact I had been up all night but am starting to think that it's indeed the gin. I thought I found a delicious new cocktail with Gin & Grapefruit juice but the searing headache returned. Then again when you return from the bar loaded at 6pm, pass out & wake up to just finish off a 26er of it on your own could also be the reason. I believe I was texting my friends: I'm a drinking machine!

Saturday was the pub crawl.... my friends are..... hmm........ interesting doesn't really cut it. Neither does fun nor obnoxious but rather they are a varied mix of the above splashed in with a little asshole.

Jammer (an entity all to her own) managed to get kicked out of the third bar because with one arm, swooped in and tackled the girl off the mechanical bull because Jammer decided she was taking too long. Am happy that her political career is one that is behind the scenes. (Jammer is on the left)



Jimmy pop wore his usual gay cowboy get up. He did later manage to rip off the sleeves.
The lunges were a nice touch too bad they were next to my head. At the end of the night, he ran out of money so instead of hailing a cab, he walked down the middle of the street where some people picked up him. A few miles from Jam's decide he's ass clown and kick him out & so he repeats the same thing to meet 2 large men & invited them into Jammer for beer. How he didn't beaten up, I will never know.


Also, I'll admit I can be a pretty good wing man but if I'm bored I can also be pretty mean. Sandra had met a boy & she wanted to go home with him & asked if it'd be a good idea to bring him back to the house, I say sure! I'll give you my room. Totally wanted to egg that on when in fact, no.... No, it's bad. Not the going home with him part but the bringing him to us part. We're mean.

For example we may tell you it doesn't matter what you think as you'll be gone in the morning anyways. Also, don't tell us you're a model cuz then we may prance around exclaiming "I'm a male model" over and over again. BUT, I needed a little showtime entertainment. The best was the morning. There's me, James, Tito and Jammer lounging & watching Mr & Mrs Smith when the lovebirds wake & come & join us. Someone asked Sandra if she ate any of the takeout we had & she answered No.... Buddy pipes up & says "Oh.... she ate!"

Right about then is when we called him a cab.

What would Gerald Do???

Why I scare myself Reason 102:
I was drinking Gin & Juice all night and somehow ended up sober.

Saturday was definately the pinnacle of the trip. We started out the day trying desperately to break free from shore. You see, when Spence docked the boat orginally it still was a little too far away so he managed to throw it in hard. (OMG, that sentence sounds like it should be on a different site) But on trips like these, boys make me laugh because when it came to chopping or gathering wood, tying up the boat or even unlodging us from the shore, boys will always magically appear. The guys from neighboring boats were out giving us a push and away we went.

I'm not gonna lie. I hurt. It was more that I was tired then anything but nothing a quick boat ride couldn't fix. Shaloa perservered & got herself up wakeboarding. Each time doing a little better then the last. Stine gav'er too but b/c of the choppy waters we decided to call it a day. So back to the boat for floats & beer. The day really just zips by. Mostly just sunning, drinking, floating, swimming and taking turns diving off the top of the boat.

We saw some friends on the waters that also had a speedboat & a 3 man ride. One of my favourite parts of the day was when we attached that to the boat & there's Joanna, Krista & Sarah being dragged behind and all you can hear is Krista yelling "I LOVE MY LIFE" over & over again. Not to be out done, Matty got all Macguyver on their ass & managed to anchor drinks out to them.

After a sweaty nap (I'm starting to think I lucked out by sleeping at the kitchen table, those rooms were hot!), and half an hour of shoring the boat, dinner came a ringing. I really couldn't shake the daze of the half hour nap so as I was lazing about on our trampoline (Ian brought this gianormous water trampoline that was later used to do bum drops off the top deck) we could see jet skiiers dotted about. I wave one down & ask if I can go for a ride so he took both me & cynthia for a ride.... LOVE IT. haven't jet skiied in years. Course being the third person on the thing requires some grip so after I flew off the back only once, I decided Cyn's tiny frame could withstand my hold.

Just as everyone's after dinner digestion low time was about to kick in, Shaloa pointed out that it'd be a good time for the limbo stick.

Let me take a moment to explain this to you... this ain't no ordinary stick. No at the 24 hour relay, I was bored so I fashioned this limbo stick out of my lamp stand, a shooter glass, brown paper & ribbons to give all alcoholics alike something to play with.... Yes, it's drunken limbo the fastest way to get rid of 4 bottles of booze in 20 minutes....

Spencer getting it down his frontside

Cynthia going for gold (matty looks freaked!)

Go Cheryl Go (you can sort of see my interesting tan lines starting)

Retarded.. It kick started the boat into a frenzy... if you weren't in the room, we hunted you down... everyone got a turn if not you got 2 or 3 turns.... I may get this patented... it can be included in my beer gardens & patio tour 2007.

The foam party at our neighboring UK boat sucked so we made due & created our own sudsy mess...

After a rinse & a change it was off to the party!

Went to a party at another friend's boat equipped with a sound system & speakers..... SO MUCH FUN! I haven't danced the night away like that since I was ... I have no idea when probably when I was back in my partying hey day! I didn't go home til the sun breached the mountain tops also because I managed to have a splitting headache. As noted earlier I sobered up with Gin.

It's cute small & far away. Up close & large is a scary notion
(am now convinced I should go out and get some prof photos taken just to beef up my self esteem)

You see after the limbo contest I wasn't content, I kept firing it up as it was our last night houseboating & I was going to do it in style. When we arrived at the party boat, I already tripped once over the rocks (although if you saw where we parked it's no wonder I didn't hurt myself more then that!) but because I was fighting gravity, I managed to wrench my hip but I did have the eurphoria mix of fun & a good buzz going on so as I was standing on top of this seat dancing my hynie off, Funiture man came and joined me & offered me his Gin (aka: panty remover....) He knew a classy girl when he saw one.

Lola told me I went full circle. I drank myself sober.. (ew).

One quote I won't forget is in my conversation with Furniture man
Me: Wow, I've had an eventful evening
FM: I swam here.

Yes, he was trumping my comment regarding an evening's event. You see Furniture Man is nuts or at least by my definition. He didn't leave dock with the ship as he was in Vancouver at a wedding. Instead he arrived in the early evening Saturday on a road on the opposite hillside of the beach. So there's him & his friend traversing down the mountainside (300 feet across, 300 feet down) & swimming across the lake to get to the boat.... took him roughly 3 hours.

I can just remember coming back to the boat & seeing Shane & I gave him a giant hug & exclaimed "I had the best time ever!!!!!"

So many things made this trip awesome. Met so many cool people and had such a great time. We all signed up for next year. With the exception of Jo Jo as she's moving to T-dot in 3 weeks but not before she's off to Costa Rica.. BON VOYAGE JO JO!!!

But know this, if you're ever deserted somewhere with Shaloa & Claire, they'll eat you first.

THURSDAY NIGHT IS FUN FOR IMPROV

I managed to bring a couple of floaties on my houseboat trip this year. I bought a new inner tube from Canadian Tire (which is turning into my new favourite store. I love the one on 7th/Cambie) and bought a floatie for your cooler. Nothing is more annoying then having to get out of the water and climb onto the boat every time you want to refresh your drink. Seeing as Sarah didn't buy a floatie, I thought I'd bring my noodle along from last year.

After dinner the first night, Stine demanded that I entertain her so for her, Claire, Shaloa, Jo Jo & Sarah I was able to find good uses for the noodle. Too bad the only use it got was a 15 minute rampage of "Who's line is it anyways" put on by yours truly:

Here's me pretending it's a tail

This is me pretending to be a rabbit

This is me pretending it's a telescope

Other moments included a skipping rope, a horsey and a diggery doo... any others have escaped me now but I believe these pictures just prove my point that kids don't need toys...

FRIDAY.... DAY ONE

I'm not sure if it was waking to the mixed smell of diesel & fresh fish or the umpteen number of drinks I had the night before is what made me feel ill but lightheaded I was. Some of the boys crashed out early the night before & were also early to rise. So because of that, Spence got our boat en route again.

I don't know about everyone but I have to say one of the best things about houseboating is laying around on your floaties in the lake. Nothing quite beats that especially when it is a blazing 35 degrees. That morning I was able to unsuccessfully try wakeboarding. I know what I'm doing wrong & am convinced that next time I will get up. My problem is that I naturally want to use my arms & wasn't using any of my legs. It may explain the searing pain I have in my forearms. So may be that should be on my learned list as well.... DO NOT pull yourself up out of water with only your arms.

After lunch we were able to move the boat on over to the rope swing..... hence #14 from the earlier past but it should also probably be noted that you shouldn't eat "smoorhs" and then try & jump into water... It may just freak you right out and leave you paralyzed on top of the rock. The only problem there is that it's the only way down so 20 minutes later, I was able to swing into the water. No one else had that much of a problem except Joanna. She couldn't leave the boat in the first place. But our few crazy ppl decided to climb as high as possible, do around the worlds & flips off the swing. Every time Scabs swung on the rope, I swear her knees were going to rip across the rock she was that close to the bottom.

That night we parked our butts down at Neilson beach. The gong show to end all gong shows. The only thing that is more crazy then this beach party is Merritt and I really don't know ANYTHING that is more nuts then getting 70 000 country fans together in a field for 3 days & giving them limitless beer.

Let me give you a couple of examples. The UK boat is a couple of british guys that fly to shuswap every year to party on this beach. They bring in Las Vegas Bartenders & host wet t-shirt contests with champagne. Everyone on the boat parties for free. Saturday is the bikini contest & foam party. Another boat caught fire & had to float out to water. A third party boat had too many people on board and the back end starting sinking so they had to kick everyone off. Not to mention one chick is dressed up as a viking walking up and down the beach.

When we first arrived, Paul, Ian & Matt had decided that it was important that we have a good fire pit equipped with seats et al. There is nothing hotter then watching boys chop wood. So Stine, Claire & I parked our asses down & watched the set up ensue. I figure if they keep yelling for us to take off our tops, it's fair game to ask them to keep chopping wood. At least that serves a purpose. Claire managed to get some action shots (pictures to be posted at a later date).

That night my boat decided to do a theme & everyone was dressed in white. Brilliant idea dressing in white at a dirty, rocky beach while your houseboating. I thought it'd be a nice touch to wear my flowered lei with my white ensemble... too bad it now looked like it was my stagette. It didn't really help that Krista kept telling everyone that it was. She was killing herself laughing & pointed out that there was no way I'd meet anyone that evening.... or MAY BE I WOULD????? hey, it's houseboating, boys are durty.



left to right: claire, stine, me, krista

So after being Joanna's wing girl & passing out on the GREAT ESCAPE 5, I found out that my boat had been partying down at the UK boat all evening & it sounds like I missed out on good times. I headed down there not before we see some random dude walking around in a daze w/ no shirt & no shoes, SO we didn't give him any service. A few hours later we find out his gf & boat are on a search mission looking for him.

I trudged on through the rocky beach, bushes, & marshy water to get to the UK boat & meet some REALLY annoying guy who sounded like he didn't get out much. After a few minutes of his incessent chatter, I excused myself & came back to the boat.

Seeing it was probably around 3 in the morning, I decided it was time to sleep.

Anchors Away!!!!!

I don't really know how I can sum up this past weekend except to say

"It was the BEST TIME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So much has happened over the weekend that really, I'm going to have write about it each day as though it was happening live. Think of this as a 3 day delay as the debaucherous behaviour is not fit for TV.

On the ride up to Sicamous, I divulged to Joanna & Sarah that I've adopted a new outlook on life. Yes, a few months ago, when I started dating reverse name I was a little remiss as the summer was approaching & that's a great time to play & have a general good time. Well, after we broke up, I felt like I was given a 2nd chance and wonder to myself: What if this is the last summer I'll ever be single again? If you were given one more opportunity to be single again, how would you spend your time?

Ha ha.. ya..... me too.

On thursday evening aboard the Marjorie, 23 people came together to what would be one of the funnest weekends ever experienced. Not everyone knew eachother but rather it was pockets of friends that amalgamated. Our captain, was pretty keen on screening potential boat mates to ensure a good mix of laughs, fun & debauchery.

Guests included: Me, Stine, Shaloa, Hatcher, Krista, Joanna, Cheryl, Sarah, Sara, Cynthia, Ally, Paul, Matt, Vincent, Shane, Sean, Chris, Daryl, Spencer, Jo, Duke, Heather, Ian & Chelsea.

We left dock at 7 to the tune of "Shake that Ass" Too bad that half of us were already sauced.
So by the time we docked at a quiet beach, we were pretty much just running around like a gong show. I don't know how I stayed up til after 4 in the morning but the game of "Never have I ever" was just getting good & didn't want to pass that up.

I do know that there were many things said Thursday night that we thought was the funniest ever but for the life of me friday could not remember. In fact, Ally & Vincent were no where to be found friday as they were basically holding themselves & crying all day.

Needless to say, this past weekend was spent doing everything under the sun except sleeping. The first night I tried out the cupboard situation but found it way too stifling hot & stuffy not to mention it's at the back of the boat & I could not only smell the diesel but the fish the boys caught also reeked. So I opted for the kitchen table the latter two evenings. (for those of you who have not houseboated, the cupboard is well, really a hole in the wall where a bed fits & the table is a convertable bed. It just happens to be where we also eat breakfast). I have no idea why I signed up to make breakfast on Sunday morning. I suppose it's better then having to clean it as by that time standing was a difficult notion.

I'll sign off on thursday by saying..... he was 25! not 19.

Things that I've Learned the Hard Way

When I describe myself to people I like to consider myself one of the smart ones. I am quite educated with my years of University and Art & Design Schooling (7 years in total) but it's those intimate life lessons that really teach you about yourself & about how things really work.

Since childhood, these rare opportunitities pop up every once in a while and include the following:

1: DO NOT stick your face in front of the tire swing. (age: unknown)
2: Everything your older (meaner) brother tells you is NOT the truth. (still applies)
3: Everything your all male (meaner) neighbors tell you is NOT the truth. (age: 6ish. I'm truly gulliable as I apparently believed that 6 & 7 year old boys could get their hands on explosives)
4: DO NOT attempt to do cartwheels up the stairs. (age: 5. Just finished watching some gymnastics and thought I could spring board just as well as them. If you ask why the stairs.. my only answer is Hell, I don't know! I was 5! My favourite part of this memory is when I came crying to my mother who was on the phone, she took one look at me and covered her ear to finish her conversation. My guess was that I was a bit of a drama queen... Stine: shuttie.)
5: DO NOT attempt triple sow cows when you have no idea what a triple sow cow is. (age: 6. I still obviously thought that if I see someone do something, I believe that I could too. I have NEVER seen so much blood on my face)
6: DO NOT slide your ass across the dock to get closer to the water's edge. (age: 8? Yes, while dipping our feet into the water, my friend Karlee exclaimed that she could feel the seaweed & when I said I couldn't, she told me to move closer. ALWAYS get up and sit back down because if you are not against the grain you can end up with your friend's mom picking slivers out of your ass with a tweezer. This memory is also up there on my most humiliating list.)
7: DO NOT believe Lisa when she says "I do this to my Sisters ALL the time". (age: 13/14. Because of the statement, I was able to get a very attractive haircut and manage to blackout while getting doubled on my 10 speed down 6th Avenue in Tsawwassen. How you can pedal to the bottom of the hill and not notice I wasn't on the bike anymore, I don't know.)
8: DO NOT jump off 60 foot cliffs & close your eyes causing you to bend your legs in the air & slap the water with your ass. (Age: 15. I took a dumb ass hiatus for a couple of years but came back in style in Hawaii in 1991. My friends & I found this cliff that was blocked off to trespassers behind the Sheraton in Kaanapali. To the right was whirl pool and the craggy rock you need to climb up to get out of the water was covered in crabs so obviously we gotta jump. The best advice when that high is to keep your eyes open to maintain control of your body as the impact of the water against your ass can break all of the blood vessels in your legs. I didn't sit for 3 days)
9: When you are running away from the police, do it on even ground (age: 15. We were partying down at the causeway, and when the police turned up, I grabbed as much booze as I could & headed straight out of there. Too bad the rocky beach had potholes.)
10: ALWAYS BEND your elbow when you hit an edge after diving into water. (age: 16. I loved launching myself off diving boards. My friend's pool had a shorter deep end then my pool. So unfortunately, when I hit the slope of the deep end, I didn't bend my elbow but instead kept it bone straight & absorbed the shock of the dive through that joint. It still cracks to this day.)
11: It takes A LOT to dent a Chrysler Imperial. (age: 17. Chryslers are strong! Whenever I was lent the car, it was my mother's giant black chrysler imperial that my friend Dave referred to as the Godfather car. That thing had more leg room in the back seat then the front and because of the size of it was sometimes a bit ornary to back up. Some things that didn't work: A church, your friend's car door as it's not an imperial and Yes, it does dent....)
12: DO NOT attempt to carry penne and a glass of milk while trying to walk down the stairs while hammered. (age: 21. I believe an earlier post covered the highlights of THAT one)
13: DO NOT attempt to jump into a kiddie pool that has an inch of water. (age: 28. I think Bon Jovi was referring to plastic when they released their album "Slippery When Wet". As I was mid air, it occurs to me, that may be this isn't a good idea & sure enough, my foot slipped out & I fell onto my ass seriously pulling my achilles heel)

And thanks to this years houseboating trip, I was able to learn not one but TWO important life lessons that really don't need a lot of explaining.

14: DO NOT rub your crotch against the rope swing. (age: 30. Not the place where you want to have rope burn.)
15: DO NOT stand near fire dancers that have been drinking. (age: 30. Too close is when you can feel the flames lick the side of your face)

And probably the most imporant one of all......
16: Strangers really do have the best candy (still applies)