Merry Christmas

Why I won't touch children #1:

Was in church last night (yes, I go to church), and the alter boy was in what looked like immense pain. He was writhing around, holding himself. There were even times he'd drop to his knees to do whatever he could not to lose it completely... that is until he lost it completely which was right in the middle of a prayer where they held hands with other alter boys.... Ya, I don't think the guy to his right knew what happened.

Other then that Edmonchuk has been pretty low key. Went sledding yesterday. Managed to take the dog down for a couple of runs & he was pretty into it... that is until a human rolled over him & then you couldn't get him close to any of the sleds.

Tomorrow I'm off to Red Deer for the night..... Merry Christmas!

Twas the Night Before the Night Before....

So I'm in Edmonton... Ok, settle down... really, you need to contain yourselves. I know you are all flaming jealous of me because I travel to such distant and exotic locations such as Alberta.

It probably wouldn't have been so painful if I hadn't stayed out til 2 last night on my friend's stagette. It was fun. The pole dancing class was hilarious. I'm apparently a little awkward and all those years in ballet hadn't really paid off when I'm on my knees spread open, back arched & hand in my hair. It is just not a natural position... I don't care how hot that looks.

But you know you're in rough shape when every airport worker asks if you if you've either, ok or have been travelling from far away. My starbucks order was quite painful as speaking wasn't my forte... Although, the guy behind me (who I think was once a bobblehead) concurred that there were many fuzzy people running around the airport. (just hope none of them were my pilot).

Being bumped to first class rocks.... sitting in front of someone that didn't smell would have been better.

The Enabler

According to Brutally Honest, I'm the enabler. At least that were the first words out of her mouth when she woke up saturday morning or as I commonly refer to: Saturday Afternoon. Yes, what was supposed to be a low key evening turned into tieing one for the record books.

I started out at a couple of Christmas Gatherings. Was off in Burnaby to meet a new Fiancé and back into Kits to revisit "the girls". I did promise I'd have a drink with Andy as I have not seen him in quite some time so down to Yaggers I go. It's around here the story starts to become a little more interesting. I did a little text exchange w/ Brutally and found out they were at Glowbal & I figured I was on a party hopping spree, so why not stop by. I mentioned it to Dano I was heading out. He laughed & asked if I were going to Doolins. I said no, I'm going to Glowbal and THEN doolins.

And how right I was.

As Brutally so aptly wrote:
The Enabler let me talk her into going for one drink with her. Ya, like that has ever happened in the 10+ years we have known each other. I believe the line of the night may have been "what harm has ever come from us going for a drink or two". The answer should have been a resounding "LOTS!"

Why I'm Single....

Observation #1:

Friday night as I'm about to enter the Roxy (ok, an entire dissertation can be written about this bar but we'll save it), as I'm about to go into the Roxy, I see JJ being kicked out because he's too intoxicated..... great.

Granted it was a great moment for me because I love to see that my ex's are complete losers & it is pretty self assuring to see that others do as well. I mean it's the Roxy for crying out loud. Do you know how hard it is to be too drunk for THAT place?

I myself:
A: I've never been in there before midnight
B: I've never been in there before my 5th drink
C: I've never been in there without doing 5 shooters
D: I've never been in there and seen anyone sober.

Yea... it's one of those places. We all hate it and yet we all have stories about it.

side bar: not to mention I've seen people pull out viles of coke, give themselves a quick bump and continue on their way & HE gets escorted out.... sweet JJ... sweet.

THEN if that wasn't enough, Sunday afternoon I receive a text from Trainwreck
"Got out of drunk tank at 7am am sleeping talk later :-("

GEEEE... how'd I let THAT one get away????

So all in all, it was a red letter event for ex's this past weekend and a bit of an eye opener for me. I mean 2 ex's, 2 drunks, 2 guys that grew up on the west side in priviledged lifestyles. Both 6'2, both fair both with giant issues.

I NEED A NEW TYPE OF GUY....

May be that should be one of my new years resolutions. I used to pick resolutions like: Don't wear socks with holes in them because I wanted to try and actually keep to my resolutions. However, in light of recent events, I think 2007 won't just be about the moustache but also about raising the bar an inch off the floor.

It's time.

Did anyone else see this?

This was a top headline across the papers last week:

Long Arms of World's Tallest Man Save 2 Dolphins in Northeast China

Did I just read that right? They had to bring in the tallest man in the world to retrieve plastic bits out of the stomache of Dolphins???..... EW... It's also sad to think this guy has lived his entire life to find out his destiny was to be a pair of tweezers in a dolphin's stomache.

On another front... Dunner's birthday... If I were to attach a headline to this photo, what would it say? LOVE LOVE LOVE this photo.... she's so caught in the middle of something yet she isn't doing anything wrong.. well, she is... she still hasn't drank her shooter but we'll discuss that later.

Tuesday: the update.... Part 1

I'm sure by now, all of you have seen "D**k in a box". The SNL skit featuring JT & Andy Samberg doing it up retro early 90's reminiscent of Colour Me Bad.



Well, I had taped SNL as I like to watch it Sunday mornings. Great way to start the day as I'm not quite awake enough to do anything to drastic and you can always fast forward commercials & crappy parts.... Anyways, Monday I saw it again on You Tube. Then when someone forwarded me the link again. Then Dunner was talking about it b/c she loves JT. Got home from work and Elton and I had to crack jokes about it online last night. My point in all this is that FREAKING SONG IS IN MY HEAD!

"1... cut a hole in the box.... 2..... put your junk in that box.... "

Always, always the song you want playing through your head when you're getting ready to go on a first date with someone.... Happy to report, I didn't subconsciously sing that song at dinner (or may be I did... after all, subconsciously doing something has a way of sneaking up on you) Also happy to report that:

A: His name is NOT Igor

B: DOESN'T sell porn (or may be he does.. didn't want to ask. Shaloa & I are actually looking into hosting a site before we do Beer Gardens & Patios as a good way to fund our boot fetish)

C: and all the other problems I face weren't visibly present: Tourettes, related parents, out of control drunk, bites me, gets in fights, has slept w/ 8 of my friends, lives hours & hours away.....

Seeing as it was few weeks ago that I had met him & this was the first time we have reconnected, I wasn't overly excited so really hadn't put much thought into my wardrobe nor what we were going to do. So when he phoned & suggested Glowbal or Rodney's Oyster House, I became intrigued as he just upped the anti. All of the sudden I panicked as to what to wear as I was used to these useless cactus club meet ups.

I phoned Shaloa as she knows my wardrobe of late.... unfortunately no answer. What am I to do now.... was I going to phone him & say "sorry I can't go out, I JUST can't decide what to wear.. I want to wear my black shirt but unfortunately my shoes are brown. The good jeans are in the wash & the other ones JUST aren't right.. I'd wear the red shirt but I wore it when i met you" and so on. I'm realizing that he'll be there in 5 minutes & therefore do NOT have time to quickly run to the store & find a new top..... so I went naked. LOVED ME.

NO.

But that's what I told Shaloa when she asked me this morning, "You figured it out though?"

One cheeky answer deserves another. She scolded me and informed me that naked wasn't a part of "the rules".

WELL... I guess I won't hear from HIM again will I? Damn... I KNEW I should have been doing those butt clenches!


***** SOOO much happened over the weekend that I'll be posting periodically through out the day.... stay tuned*********

No Sleep & No Food Make Leanne a Cranky Girl

I have reached new heights in bitchiness that even I didn't think were possible. I'm almost impressed. The freakin' wind storm last night didn't help. Apparently winds gusted up to 157km/hr... which from my accts are hurricane strenght winds and this would explain the constant whistling and the shaking windows. Today I'm happy though that I live in a high rise and no trees could fall on me and also that I don't have a long commute & have to deal with fallen trees/power outs on my way to work.

Needless to say, I don't believe anyone in the lower mainland got much sleep last night and I have found out that I am not the only bitchy person (yea, I'm talking about you in front of me in starbucks... I ain't afraid of you shorty).

This week has been an intersting one. A reindeer fell on me at sushi the other night (no typos), Found a new cleansing detox I aptly name "The Asian Influence; That Isn't Chicken" and I'm going to Christmas Lunch on Sunday with my Dad at White Spot. Now is it me but is Christmas Lunch at White Spot both budget & white trash at the same time? I mean couldn't we have stepped it up & bothered to go to a buffet or something? I'm going thru the effort of meeting you & all I'm doing is setting myself up for another bout of food poisoning? 2006: the year of the yak.

Birthday Greetings....

Upon reading yesterday's post, you tell me what was a bad idea. Was it trying a new chinese food restaurant or thinking that I'd be well enough to go out last night. Ok, so it's both but I honestly thought I'd be ok ..... and I was until I went to the washroom and lost my dinner (trust me, that surprised me as much as it you).

But for the hour I was there, we did manage to write some birthday Haiku's for Young Jen (ha ha, who am I kidding, you're 30! You'll never be young again!)

Staying true to the 5-7-5 we created the following:

Jive grind Jen spunk funk
Hot Pants strain one's tight cheese rocks
Loud like nude boobs dew

It should be here that I mention that the poems were written only knowing what the former word was and then you pass the note along. So if one person starts off the poem, you pass it to the right, they add a word etc... then when you finish the line, you fold the paper & start over.

Even so, that last poem was stupid. Not satisfied with the lack of sense in the former poem we divided into two groups & created the following which was intended to make SOME sense. If you read them like you're Mike Myers in "So I married an Axe Murderer" they carry a little more charm:

Jen, like what shoes dope?
But, unlike a cat you're wet
We love dogs much more

or

Years ago, PUMA
When pantless attacked men cried
Suppose they were right!

I hadn't eaten nor slept so of course I thought they were hilarious but upon second reading today I am wondering who keeps party animals like us locked up.

We did receive parting gifts & really that's why I came, was for the free loot.... and the picture I helped create of Dunner & JT (her secret bf)

Did I mention I was photoshop master of the universe?

Never eat at the Gloucester Cafe

If you are presented with the choice of having a slice of pizza or eating chinese food from a restaurant you have never been before.. ALWAYS ALWAYS choose the pizza. I do not recommend Chinese food to be the genre to which you try new things. I would tell more but I haven't been away from the bathroom for more then five minutes today so you'll have to use your imagination.

Tonight is supposed to be another little friday... god help me. I stayed home from work but I'm contemplating this birthday fest as i believe all of the toxins are gone & I indeed feel better.

I'll keep you posted as this kicks off a long week of Chrismtas festivities to come


TA!

It's not that I don't like you....

It's that I don't really like you that much.....

That's how I pretty much feel about everything today so beware. May be it stems from the only phone call I got last night was work looking for a particular file or that I had spent the better part of Monday morning explaining to (*) why I don't like him nor did I appreciate his follow up contact to be at 2:30AM the following night. As he explained, he knew I was going out so it seemed like a good time to call? For WHAT??????? yea.. nice try.. next!

Side bar: I just find emasculating when a guy emails you to say: gee, thanks for blocking me on MSN! A: how do you know I blocked you and B: If that was me, I'd just gather my pride & skulk away. I wouldn't bring it to the person's attention & ask to be reinstated....ugh!... SO ANNOYING!!!!!

Maybe I'm irritated by the constant barrage of phone calls from both my dad & my brother. What is even more flabbergasting is the lack of self awareness on the part of them both. They sit & bitch about characteristics they are currently displaying while completely unaware they are doing so. I find them ... I don't quite know the words but if we were all in one room, I'm pretty sure I'd snap & tell them to both shut the f*ck up.

Perhaps the 3 cookies for breakfast weren't a good idea & now I'm on a massive sugar crash.

May be it's because I'm currently listening to Lionel Richie and well, yea... that's not hot. It was funny the first time round. Now I'm wondering why I downloaded him to my iTunes.... It's crappy music like this that makes me steal off the internet. What the hell is he saying in "All Night Long" anyways?

Perhaps it's myspace. There's lots of whore collecters & I've managed to agree to be friends with a gent who calls himself "Cougar Hunter" and out of the hundreds of 'friends' he has, he has managed to place me on his front page right smack between "Chicks That Kick" and "Jenna Jameson". I've only been on this site for 2 days but I'm starting to wonder why I don't have more pictures of me bent over... wait, no I do.

I'm out!

I wish I could have updated sooner but I have discovered something else that eats up massive amounts of my time.... myspace.com

I'm hoping this new fascination will replace the online dating thing because after last friday night I think I'm tapping out.

How to describe it, hmmm...... how about: Horrible... heinous.. A complete waste of time.

He had to be the MOST annoying man in the world. I likened him to a small yappy dog that you just wish would settle down and be quiet. Granted I have been on worse dates before but never have I been as annoyed. Other dates, for obvious reasons, I found mildly amusing and forsaw their embaressment the next day.

No this guy was a tool and I kinda knew it going into the date as he never REALLY got my humour online. For example, I jokingly said I had been married 3x & after I explained I was kidding, I launched into how I did have 4 kids though. He still thought I was serious. (he claimed that you just never know with girls you meet online but come on! that's pretty obvious ... no? then in person claimed he said he knew)

So we met up for drinks at the Granville Room & proceeded to watch the Canucks just barely beat Carolina (although we're 6-0 in OT wins!). We sat at the bar to watch the game which was great if he would have just sat still and STOP HITTING MY ARM... You know those people. The ones that insist on whapping your arm with the back of their hand every time they feel the need to say something.

whap "hey..."
whap "what do you want to drink?"
whap "did you see that?!"
whap "you know what i'm thinking?"

It was about mid way through the second period that I snapped and exclaimed "STOP HITTTING ME!".... It was one of those uncontrolled blurbs that just pop out of your mouth and you don't realize you said it til after the fact. I'm surprised he heard me anyways because I couldn't get a word in edgewise as he insisted on always speaking (yelling/arguing) over me.

If that wasn't enough, he just wasn't funny... He asked me where I bought my iMac as he is thinking of getting one (btw, i think the world would be a better place if it was an iMac place.... but that's my opinion) so I said, "um, some store in yaletown"

"oooooooh.... yaaaaaleeetown... oooooh... yaletown."

OK... WTF? Dude lives in Yaletown, so I don't see why that is a big deal and he just HAD to say it in that juvenile dopey voice too ( I wish that was the only time he joked like that). It's about here that I no longer felt I could tolerate him and even him resting his feet on my stool was driving me up the wall. He claims I was laughing... yea...... no.

But what really kicked off the lame factor for me was that I thought I may have had to bring a tag along with me that night. When I asked him if it was ok, he replied "sure, do you mind if I ask Natalia?" Sure.. what do I care? So when we finally sit down & I explain that my friend, Man's name, went onto Calgary instead of coming to Van, he pretends to phone his friend Natalia. She would have answered, except she doesn't exist. Well, no, she exists, but she's 3 months old................Yea, so multiply jokes like these by 3 hours & you have my friday night. I tried flirting with the bartender so he'd ply MORE alcohol into my drinks & (*) would be more tolerable. (btw Shaloa, bartender was about 6'2, blonde ;) )

I may have been on a bit of an edge as Little Friday kicked my ass & I was pretty tired but I did need to wash the bad date off so I proceeded to meet up w/ Brutally Honest & Tito down at Glowbal. A couple of drinks later, I called it night & headed home.

I awoke the next morning in a panic thinking I was late for a meeting and surprisingly, wasn't sure where I was when I awoke (I would love for that to mean something but...... no, no I've been in my own bed EVERY NIGHT). I would have gone back to sleep but the family circus of phone calls began early that day.

Later that night, I went to a Holiday/Housewarming/Congratulations/Bon Voyage/Woo hoo it's Saturday Night party. All the usual suspects were present & drunken for. Two things were cute there.. the dog, nick named Issues which I think is a great name for a dog & the baby. Yes, I think every woman around & just over the age of 30 was hearing the same thing as me (tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick................. Which was weird considering we've never heard it before).

Apparently, I missed out on some good drunken behaviour as I ducked out early with PHd. She wanted to hit another party downtown where eligibles would be present and really I couldn't turn down a shared cab ride home... Ok, who am I kidding, I want to explore eligibles as well. So I went.

Now, I don't usually have a problem crashing a party. Especially seeing as I knew a good chunk of the people in attendance. I do however, have a problem crashing a birthday party of someone who isn't my biggest fan. Yes, ever go on a date with someone and then because you attended the same party at a later date do you realize you run in the same circles. So instead of being a mature person and say hi, you instead just stare at me across the room & stodigly acknowledge my presence once I've yours.... yea... awesome.

Yes, as you read, we went for sushi one night. We parted ways. He emailed me to tell me he had a good time & we should do it again but we never did. A few weeks later, I see him at Mistletoe Madness (6 I think... the last one there was.... I've also wondered if he didn't talk to me as I was unable to stand at that party & my friend Smitty held me up).

But yes, something I find funny as finding out we have mutual friends, has freaked him out. I think he may have met his gf around this time & felt awkward which is fine b/c I don't really care. But sometimes I try & say hi & he just recoils in horror & quietly says hi back....... awesome, so apprently, I'm a monster or at least an animal which would account for my nick name.

But as always, he saw me in the room, and not just looked at me but looked at me in a quizzical manner because why would I be there? So like the night before, I had my two drinks & dashed out of there but not before smacking my head against the towel dispenser (can we say co-ordinated?)

Yes, when PHd and I first got there, we were looking for Capt'n Jess. I proceeded into the bathroom where I found her washing her hands. She informed me that she had just been wondering if I was there as she thought she heard me... hmm.. let's see, a bar filled with drunk people and music and you think you can still hear me above that... yup, that sounds about right. See (*), told you I wasn't laughing at your jokes.......... tool.

Check me out!

hmmmmmmm.

SERIOUSLY.. what the hell?... Frank's got slacks on the boulevard and my brain is turning into mush. I knew EVERYTHING I wanted to say, had it worked out in my head, had a title & 5 minutes go by and NOTHING.. Damn you beer & your sweet tasting nectar. Damn you for turning me into a lot of nothing.

I have to sayI am more convinced then ever that 2007 WILL be the year of the moustache. I'm seeing it everywhere and apparently you are as well... I've also been receiving several notices on this phenomenom. Now that it's in the consciousness, it will be easier to spot and to clarify, I don't mean facial hair. I'm talking 70's, porn, pervy stache. Just take a gander at Ryan Gossling.

I was asked last night if I'd rather be dating or would I rather be in a relationship. To which I said, relationship for various reasons. Granted I'm FINALLY starting to have fun with the whole dating thing but isn't the whole point of going out, meeting the opposite sex (or not) and trying to get to know one another for that purpose... to fall into a relationship. Fine there is gratuitous sex but really, that shouldn't take that much work. Do what I do, hammer out the terms ahead of time, do you business & go about your day... Much more simple and there isn't the headache of games.

Another thing about dating is that there are always always casualties... hopefully not so much you ... but you really do got to do some filtering... It's almost like shopping at Winners... there's a lot of crap out there but once & a while you get a good find.... It's also a good way to build up your dating criteria list. For example, based on recent experiences, I'm looking for a guy that doesn't sell porn, over laugh at my jokes nor is boring and I REALLY hope this can come into play in regards to a set up that I will be encountering soon.

My friend Pumpkin couldn't figure out why a girl like me is single & suggested that I get to know his co-worker... He's supposed to be a great guy & has teeth................ well, i've settled for less (van victim) so what could it hurt except that every set up I've had has been an utter disaster (see any post on this site)

Perhaps Nic said it best:

I have decided men are like parking spots... all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Pictures as promised

THE BEGINNING: (click on pictures to enlarge)

It aaaaalllll started here.. one innocent bottle of Heineken.... granted it was 3L and unfortunately.... below was a result....

Seriously... who let me out? and I really wonder why I'm single.

I'm not alone in this debauchery.

We're sharing a very britney/paris moment in the upper village.... you think that we're the only ones on the trip... (I'll have to post other pics)

And this is to show how beautiful it really was up there......

the full explanation.....

It was a cold night. Snow was on the ground and the village was still a buzz with party goers exiting the bars looking for the next good party to continue their drink on. A girl... We'll call her hot with long flaxen hair (Wait! what is flaxen anyways? I think a shade of blonde but the description on the bottle didn't match so we'll just say.. Light) walks through taking in the atmosphere while nibbling on her late night pizza while making her way back to her hotel..... do you buy it?

Ok so it was more like some drunk blonde w/ disheveled party hair scarfed her pizza while stumbling through the village trying desperately to avoid other drunks looking for a place to party. The fact she is wearing a Hilton Bath robe failed to turn any heads which is good as it came complete with a couple of beers in the pocket...

To answer how I got there would be best explained from the beginning.....

This past weekend was The Bobbleheads celebratory weekend up in Whistler. We won a weekend for 24 at the 2005 relay and the Lodge finally finished it's renovations and was able to accomodate us for our weekend of fun.

Friday, Shaloa, Dunner & I made our way up to Whistler with road pops in hand. Once we got into our room, our first order of business was cracking open the 3 Litre Heineken (pictures to come) Once that was finished (in about 15 minutes I think) we made our way down to the lounge to meet up with our other team mates... Not content to sit around the lounge, we downed a couple of shots & made our way out in the night. I really tried to bail & go to bed but the girls were not set on letting me sleep. They forced another drink in me & off to Bills we headed.

One thing I noticed is that there are A LOT of ugly people out last weekend... wow. If they weren't ugly, they were chachi. If they weren't Chachi, they were old. The goal was the shamelessly make out with someone and we would have if not everyone there hadn't repulsed us. So instead we became dancing machines... ok I became a dancing machine. What can I say, Abba moves me (pics to come).

So after a stirring performance to my favourite disco song, Shaloa realized I probably didn't need that last jagr bomb and I'm relieved to report that I DID NOT throw up... To be honest, I'm not sure what happened. I know I got grumpy but Dunner gave me a stern talking to

"HEY! we're all tired, we all want to sleep! But do you see us doing that? NO! We're drinking, we're dancing so suck it up!"

She informed me the next day I looked at her like someone just told me they were in love with me. So apparently, I need to either yell at someone, or someone needs to yell at me.... I'm starting to think I'm f*cked in the head. The night was complete with fighting off the creepy guy brigade... yes, some guy actually felt me up as he walked by. He's lucky I didn't see his face.

After some pizza, we made it back to the hotel to find that no, we hadn't finished the beer & must do so before falling asleep. I promised that I would drink mine in the morning. When I woke up, I stayed true to my word.... yes, it was disgusting.

The lazy day consisted of Milestones where our waiter was more hung over then we were, shopping and a lazy walk around the village. Basically we were killing time til we could meet up with our team mates for apres ski. Dunner & I were trying to explain the merits of napping to Shaloa but it didn't take as Stine burst in from a full day on the slopes. I stuck around with Stine to buy some beer provisions & the other two headed off to Longhorn where Dunner left & went to Squamish.... she is now dead to me. (Ya you are... oh, you also missed Stine's surprise snow attack on me outside brewhouse)

Aprés Ski at the Brewhouse was pretty uneventful... drinks, appies, presentations etc... Everything was fine until Shaloa proved she shouldn't be around children. It may be me. May be it's you but on the list of things you don't say to 4 year old children is "I like high fives from big boys" The presenter's son was there and as I walked by him, I asked for a high five. Shaloa, behind me, then uttered her famous sentence to which I didn't pay a lot of attention to.. . that is until a few seconds later I heard "wow.... I'm sooo inappropriate". I think it was double burn as I was told one of her ex's has a baby face

I almost fell down the stairs from laughing to hard... one of the funniest moments & one of the best things I've heard lately aside from "My sure thing went home".

ANYWAYS.. after Stine kicked my ass in the snow. (we're convinced you point your toes when you run). Yes, she's freakishly athletic & after she face washes you and you try and run after her, ensure your shoes have grip because bailing in the middle of the plaza is pain for you but comedy for everyone else.

So, not content with one injury, I decided that jumping up and down on the bed would be a great idea which was until I bashed my head on the ceiling (so like 2 jumps in)... ya, I'm not 4'11. I'm also apparently not smart despite what I tell people.

So where in this weekend am I going wrong? Was it the beer in the hot tub? Was it the half bottle of crown the guys shared with me in the hot tub? Perhaps.. just may be ... it was the limbo stick. I've decided I created a monster... great for parties.. bad for me.. wow. bad... fun... but bad. I looked at it Sunday morning and decided it needs to spend some time in the bad boy box.

After a quick rendez vous with my whistler friend, I met up with everyone down at Garf's to have what I'll call weird conversation night. Shaloa has a good picture of me sleeping while standing up. Again we headed for a slice after the bar. It was freezing and all day long I was bundled in layers but that night I was wearing a tank top & just my coat. I thought my alcohol parka would help out but unfortunately, I was freezing.. THANK GOD I saw two dudes walking around in Hilton Robes. One was chivalrous & lent me.. or gave me his robe complete with beer in the pockets.. and well, yes, it helped.. quite warm. Shaloa insisted I take it home with me because she finds it hilarious that some guy has to pay 100 dollars because he was being nice to me.. (i think i'm worth every penny). I asked for everyone to NOT ditch me while I waited in line for my slice but yea.. that worked well, so there I was, alone, wearing a bath robe, eating my pizza while I stumbled back to the hotel.

Good thing I know my way around the village better when I'm hammered then I do while dead sober (very weird). No one would kill me sunday morning no matter how much I pleaded and off to brunch at Milestones we went. Different server although the same hang over, prompted me to wonder if there was one person in the village that didn't party the night before. After dealing with a small drama, we were on our way home... I think I may finally be recovering from all that.... but we can never be totally sure.

20 Shopping Days til Xmas... I wear a Medium.

How Many Drinks Could A Drunk Chick Drink If A Drunk Chick could Drink..................... beer?

That sentence could pretty much sum up the Whistler experience:

Drive up & Drink.
Go to the Lounge & Drink.
Back to the Room and Drink.
To the Bar & Drink.
Back to the Room and Drink.
Wake up and Drink.
Go to Breakfast and Drink.
Walk...... Don't Drink (Hey man, I don't brown bag it).
Aprés ski and Drink.
To the hot tub and Drink.
Limbo Stick Contest... The epitome of Drinking.
Back to the Room and Drink.
*PASSOUT* yea, I do have limits...
To the bar and drink.
Wake up... Hold yourself & Cry.

Going away with friends is also a learning experience. For example I learned that I'm mildly retarded because no one else I know would hit their head on the ceiling from jumping up and down on the bed. Stine points her toes when she runs (Ya you do) and Shaloa is quite inapproapriate around small children... I'd say I learned something about Dun & Dun but she's dead to me.... I will expand further on all stories as soon as someone tells me them... til then:

How Many Drinks Could A Drunk Chick Drink If A Drunk Chick could GET DRUNK...

ahhh.. yes, I solved it..... and scene.

Cougars

Cougar: (as cited on cougardate.com)

The largest North American cat, top of the food chain with Grizzly Bears, carnivorous solitary hunter, aka Mountain Lion, Puma.

Also describes women in their forties who smoke, drink and go to clubs to pick up young men in their twenties. Cougars are usually divorced, sometimes with cubs, and financially independent.

The most successful cougars are those that married well and got huge divorce settlements. Lesser Cougars were feminists who clawed their way to the top and made their own money. They have charge cards and big bank accounts, often living off second mortgages and money lending. They own cars but use them sparingly because of their concern for the environment.

Species characteristics include a penchant for home decorating, an interest in dogs (the only other species they can live with), an avid consumption of home products such as tinfoil and Cheez Whiz, and a limited interest in technology.

They have a high fat diet but are usually in shape because of sheer genetics and extensive shopping, dinner party planning and traveling. They often wear clothes that they're a bit too old for such as Spandex and high heels. They dye their hair and wear lots of makeup and jewelry.

Cougars-in-training (ie. women in their thirties) are called "pumas". Women in their twenties are "cougar cubs".

I thought it best to open with a definition as I'm not sure how to categorize my friend... she's in her 30's but doesn't really go for the younger male aside from a recent liason.. No... she tends to go for the REALLY younger man. It has to be that or she's COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE... how else do you explain someone who walks past a 4 year old & says "I like high fives from big boys".

Seriously... I think I'm still crying .. I know I'm barely able to spit it out when I tell that story.

My Name is Leanne

I was watching "My Name is Earl" last night & for those who live in a shoebox or have been in the woods for the past couple of years, the show is ultimately about Earl trying to redeem his good Karma by rectifying past wrongdoings. In this one episode in particular, he noticed that his Karma could be turning around as he was winning a few bets....

I wonder if there is dating Karma but as opposed to having to good deeds to get a good man (excuse the irony in that sentence) No.. but instead of having to do good deeds to get a good man you have to put up with your share of bad men or in my case... giant freak shows.

Yes, last night I was watching "My Name is Earl" while I went for a run on my treadmill. I was going to go down for a quick run & pop back up to my apartment. (I love that I have a gym in my building). Oddly enough, no one is ever in there. Because I'm self conscious I normally tie a sweatshirt around my waist but seeing as I was the only one in the gym, I whipped it off. Not 2 minutes later a young... hot looking guy walks in, smiles & sits on the stationary bike which is located where? RIGHT BEHIND ME...

I did a quick analysis in my head... gay men don't say hi to me. I'm like the anti-gay man as they don't really pay attention to tall blonde women in tight workout clothes... yes, definately straight.... straight & sitting on the bike right behind me. Straight, sitting on the bike behind me and staring at my ass as I ran on the treadmill.

Because I can't obviously turn around, as I'm not only watching tv & listening to my ipod (the tv has closed captioning), but I'm also in the middle of my cardio. So instead, I'm peeking into the window to catch a reflection.. OH! he's reading.... phew.. wait a minute! WHY aren't you staring at my ass.. HELLO!???? I'm running. (yea, I know).... I realized that, wow..I'm retarded... so I decided to focus on the running thing.

Once I was done, I decided that the right thing for me would be to stay & do weights... Hey! what did I have to do? Go upstairs & work? pfft! This is when he started chatting with me (definatetly not gay) Course it was more along the lines of "Nice gym eh?" with my response of "yuh" and then I quickly look away because well, I have the social grace of a 12 year old girl... way to go... hot.

So I start doing my squats and realize how awkward & lame I was so I tried initating the conversation back up ... "did you just move in?" ... "yes.... " and the conversation took off from there.

Was so nice to be able to chat with a guy that
A: Wasn't Drunk
B: Works Out
C: Wasn't a Perv (that I know of)
D: Lives in my Building! (after recent situations, I'm all over convenient)

Like Earl, I was only able to win a little bit. On the show he ended up screwing up in the biggest way. Well, in Leanne's real life, there's always snags..... Not a freakshow but he is a former Park Ranger named Hunter. (what the? that's like my mom's gyno that was named Dr. Payne) Anyways, he moved back to the city because well, there ain't any women on the West Coast Trail.... (I smell follow up novel to "I dated them so you don't have to" to "Out of the woods, Into Leanne's ****** we go".


Note to self: Karma aside, I'm ALWAYS wearing a push up bra to the gym!

The Internet Is For Porn...

Let's say you meet a guy who seems nice, you chat, you get along, you agree to meet for a drink... You tell me..... what is wrong...

Let's start with his name. Igor... his name was Igor.... which in Russia is a common as Mike but we're not there. I DID know this going into the date. I would like to think I am not so bad to NOT go out with someone because of their name but I think I might start. He unfortunately got the wrong end of the stick. His younger brother's name is Dave which I found funny for more then one reason.

Oh! Side Bar: got stalked by train wreck the other night. Yes, he's acquired a new car & insisted on sitting outside my bldg until I came to the balcony to view it. I would like to say it was very Romeo & Juliet except in this version, Romeo's a Freakin' Lying Sack of Crap & can't string together two sentences nevermind poetry... Toot! Toot! The bitter train is coming is strong today!

No but at dinner, he inquired to what I do... I never realized so many people out there have no idea what graphic design is. The follow up question is generally: "computer?" To which I never know how to answer ... isn't it PRETTY common practice in any profession these days that people use a computer so why you ask me that I don't know...

I think I may start telling people I dog walk but dog walkers are freakshows you meet online & then try & j*k off to you via web cam, so nevermind.

Toot! Toot!

So after explaining that I design things like logos using computer programs, I ask him to further explain what he did; internet marketing. Yes, through our talks he explained he works for himself at home. I was starting to think I have a thing for guys that run online businesses when he drops that actaully he owns his own porn site....

Right.So what you're saying is I CAN'T use you for search engine optimization? No... he just sticks to the "host & post" part of things. Apparently, he's got a few, they're huge & well known... HEY if that's not porn, I don't know what is.

I don't know if me killing myself laughing was appropriate because I could only think of two things right then... 1: Nanz (who's convinced that EVERYONE in Vancouver is in the sex industry somehow) and 2: How I'm going to write about it.

So I ask him what sort of things are you into for fun... he goes on to tell me he's one of the top tennis players in BC and I could only finish that sentence off in my head "who sells porn".

I've been told this is going to be our new game for the weekend... finishing off every sentence with "Who sells porn..." as me & about 20 people are headed up to whistler for what will be no doubt a GIANT GONG SHOW... Help me Jesus! Help me Tom Cruise! I'm bringing the limbo stick... I hope I come back alive.

**CORRECTION NOTICE**

K.. upon receiving scads of emails & re-reading my last entry, I realized that I made it sound like I had some sordid affair at the Wedgewood Hotel.... People, do you honestly think if I had a sordid affair at the Wedgewood Hotel, I would only allude to it!!! Hell no.. nothing happens in my life.. for crying out loud the latter half of the post was about my friends' hangovers..... no trust me, I'm boring hence the title of the blog.

But like I'd tell you in this forum if something sordid DID happen....

nice try... keep guessing.

Winter Wonderland

I am not a fan of snow.... well, I'm not a fan of the snow in Vancouver BUT will be the first to admit I've liked it these past couple of days. Normally, I only like it in it's proper place, like on a mountain.

For all those that hate it, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret... I know why it snowed... in November... in Vancouver. K.. just before I let you in on this, I want to let you know that it NEVER snows in Vancouver in November. For crying out loud sometimes we can go an entire winter without any of the white stuff so why it has decided to dump now is beyond me ... that is til I got the text today around 11:30 am:

Fly home today!!! Get in about midnight....

Yes, Sammie comes home today from working in the Caribbean for the past 8 months so OF COURSE it's snowing.... good luck with THAT transition.

HMMMM... so it's Monday and I would REALLY love to recap the weekend for you but that would of course require me remembering the weekend... (I do... just wish I didn't)

I have to say going to the Wedgewood Hotel on Hornby and sitting in the Piano bar Saturday night was one of the highlights. It just brought in the Christmas mood. The snow (then softly falling) helped too.... See below.. we sat behind the piano which you can sort of see on the left side.


(btw, the snow finally stopped falling sometime around 4 today.. get back to me around Thursday to ask if I still think it's 'loverly'.... side bar: yes, loverly not lovely)

SO weekend... yea! I want to say it was good and for the most part it was.. Saturday was interesting for many many many reason. None of which I can tell you unless you are prepared to pay 4.99/min. So I'm tight lipped which within the context of this paragraph could be taken the wrong way (ba doom shhh... yes, thank you.. I'm here all week... I am never above low brow humour. It's probably more accurate to say that I spend too much time 'under' it. Seriously... I could keep going... see again.. right there.. k.. I'll stop it's on the brain.)

One giant revelation told to me this weekend is that my friends have realized that they also do not have any sort of filter when they are hung over...

It's a phenomenon that I like to call The Spare Generator syndrome. Let me break this down for you. Your body just took a beating the night before (this could be both figuratively & literally). Well, it's now running on only the most necessary elements... blinking, breathing, depending the hangover... movement. Thinking usually takes a back seat and well, THE FILTERS ARE OFF... do you ever hear yourself talk the next day? Not only do you sound like a sailor but absolutely EVERYTHING is hilarious (which is also attributed to the case of the dumbs).

I just know that on any given day, I try not to swear (hard to believe I know but I figure I'm creative enough to look for other ways to get my point across... I find such terms as Ditch Pig, Pig Tits or Heinous Sack of Crap to be incredible insults to the taker.) BUT wow... I'm impressed at the amount of times I do say Fruck, or hear the words that roll off my tongue. On a good day, I speak on a 1 second delay allowing the sentence to run through my head first however, when I'm hung, it's more about a 10 second delay in the other direction... I'm pretty sure I've told jokes that I later understood.

BUT, unfortunately, it's those moments where I wish I had a camera follow me around because let me tell you.... I'm gold.

I'm calling it now...

I stated it on Wednesday to Shaloa & I'm making it publicly known now.

2007 is going to be The Year of the Moustache.

Jesus' Brother Bob

I love going out in the middle of the week. I used to go out 7 nights a week in my younger years but then again, I worked in the mall so my thinking requirements were at a mininum. But going out in the middle of the week is like playing hooky from school... you really shouldn't be having this much fun on a Wednesday... and last night I partied like it was the start of a long weekend.... here's to Big Wednesday.

The problem with Big Wednesday is I have not only one day of work to get through but 2..... ugh! kill me.

Last night was the Philosopher Kings Concert. I've said it before and I'll say it again..... there are 2 panty removers in the world: Gin & them..... so fruckin' hot... love them! So glad that I didn't go with a date.... nooooooo that would be silly! Why date when you can drink and 'think' you're funny to the point of hilarity? because let me tell you... I was ON FIRE... oh yea.. I'm one fuh-nee girl.

May be it's the way I started out my night. Last night was also my friend, Joooooohhhhnnnneeeee Laaaa-rooooooooo's surprise 40th birthday at La Bodega (a personal favourite.. Spanish Tapas) Anyways, we're sitting at a table and across from me is a pretty funny guy who jokes that you have to be somewhat memorable for him to remember your name (written out, that seems like an obvious statement but the implication was you should 'stand out') and he furthered the joke by shaking our hands & mis-pronouncing our names... (OK, so it sounds lame on here but stay with me.) Mark jokes with me... "Leanne, you could make YOUR impresion".. haha... yea.. yuck it up... Must I remind everyone I'm not easy... I'm "approachable".

Anyways, the night continues and as I'm sitting there talking to him, it occurs to me... I've made out with this guy! HS! ... I've totally made out with him. So now it's running through my head: Dude, you better remember my freakin' name.

So now I'm staring oddly at him which probably made him uncomfortable and perhaps why he switched seats but not before I was able to ask: Did you ever sing a song called "Jesus' Brother Bob"? to which he replied... "where have you heard me play that?" he mumbled. (for the slow: that night we had been at the Park Royal Pub where D&D were playing. The tongue bandit in question stepped in to sing the one song.)

So I'm convinced he forgot. Bell arrives looking hot, sits down across from me & beside him. I texted her what's going on because I'm dying and must divulge this funny secret. She busts a gut and gave me a thumbs up. All 3 of us are chatting when he casually mentions that I may have made out with him at one point.... YES!!!! you remember. Thank-you, that's all I want.... validation. Yes, ladies & gentlemen....I am THAT good. ha ha.

To my credit, that was sooo long ago... How long? you ask. That little stunt took place when I still owned a car! I remember, because afterwards, I drove him home... yea.. über hot. I'm your little transportational vixen.

After dinner it was off to the concert where I met up with Little Miss Prudham, her date & about 3 or 4 beers. Some guy we'll name "gut buster"met up with me at the Commadore. I dont' think i like him he over laughs at everything I say. I know I'm funny but not everything out of my mouth is a knee slapper. I met him back in June and both of us were supposed to attend the concert with dates that couldn't make it so we had a small rendez vous. Gut buster wasn't ready to call it a night after the concert, so we went to the Granville room for a drink. It's around this time that I think it's a great idea to start drinking gin martinis. (my martini of choice: dry gin martini... 2 olives... thanks.. I'm sure it will be waiting for me friday nite)

This is actually normal behaviour for me because the drunker I get, the harder my alcohol starts to become. I have been known in the past to 'slow down' with a double jack on the rocks.
(the logic being, I'm now sipping my bevies)

Gut buster insisted on walking me home which I wasn't prepared for. Let's face it, if I just imbibed in 2 of the biggest panty removers (Gin & P-Kings) & I still don't want you to touch me, you ain't doing sumpin' right.

Also wanted to ditch gut buster because I got a call from another friend letting me know they're drunk, they're on Granville & they're ready to party. I failed to connect with them as I passed out on my couch sitting up while holding my phone in my hand. Probably a good thing as that would have turned into one GIANT train wreck. Actually our phone calls were pretty painful in itself... he'd call & leave a msg... I'd call 2x back... no answer... he calls... leaves message... I call 3x back. So my thinking was if I just held the phone in my hand I won't miss the call. Yea.. no... he phoned me a total of 16x and left me 4 phone messages. (and don't go there... it's not one of THOSE phone calls.... it's a purely alcoholic to alcoholic emergency). I found out this morning that je THOUGHT he was on Granville street but was in fact near his house in the heart of Kits... way to stay in tuned with your surroundings buddy!

**this just in... email from Bell stating she's JUST driving home now...** Shit... is there anyone that DIDN'T party last night?

Big Wednesday: I salute you.

Happy Birthday Sam....

Hey random Sam girl.. Happy Birthday.. I don't know you but understand that you read this blog... (good times).. but you're friends with Charlene and that works for me.

This reminds me that in just 5 short days, my own Sammie is coming home!!! Not for good (still not happy about that but she managed to buy my love by dangling a free cruise around the mediteranean ) but she will be back on Canadian Soil for a couple of months. However, seeing as she is the WORST person to nail down & confirm plans, I am still only guessing that she is coming in on the 27th.

I'm sure she'll just show up on my doorstep, 8 million bags in tow (she is a shopper) grinning & ready to go.

I always say she's my bad influence (yes, I too have a bad influence) However, a girl named Sandra from Victoria we met in Spain will argue that Sam is the lovely one and it is I that is the Devil (her exact words)....

Hey man, just because I got you drunk on shooters, hooked us up with 15 young spanish guys from the west coast, averted a bad Girls Gone Wild Spanish Style, got us into 3-4 bars for free (note to self: don't yell out "this is a gay bar" right when the music dies) & finally managed to get you together w/ some random french dude does NOT make me a bad influence.... I call it being on vacation.

It's not so much that Sam's a bad influence on me but rather doesn't say No to me. She doesn't serve as my conscious as so many friends feel they need to do. Although, I give credit to DAO for not letting our friend, Bell hook up with a guy in wrangler jeans.... good save.

Our goings on are more like this:

"Sam, Should I have this 5th Jager Bomb?"..."Why are you so slow? I'm on my 7th".

"Should we jump in this car & drive to Seattle for breakfast?"... "I have the keys"

You know... stuff like that (k... I am giving the paired down edited version but you know... this is a family show) I will say this... in our older age, we have calmed down somewhat and are more & more opting for a 'quiet' evening in.... which is good for the first night ;)

Leanne Doesn't Share Food....

It's true I act like every meal is my last... or at least when I'm eating my favourite things.... cheese or potatoes.. or even better: potatoes WITH cheese.... hmmm. OH ! and sour cream.

I remember one time, I had a hankering for a nice glazed salmon & asaparagus when one night we all decided to pile down to Earls. Lo and behold what is the special on the menu? but that very dish... (by the way... how long has that been a featured menu item.... like 9 years now? Way to change it up Earls)

I was so excited about my meal that when the plate was presented to me, my mouth was salivating with anticipation. BUT before I could have that first sweet bite, a fork came zooming down out of nowhere & devoured a good chunk of my fish!!!!! WTF? Yea... it was Shiraz trumping the one thing I was craving more then anything else... Eight and a half years later, I'm still bitter. So next time, you want to steal a fry... you think about it first. ;)

Since I'm bitching, I may as well make mention of the fact that when I would go over to his place & he made dinner, he would NEVER offer me any. The one time I took some, I got a good tongue lashing.... whatever.

I sit back and wonder sometimes why we didn't work out. BTW, remember the one question you always asked me? The answer is yes... you are. If you can lift your stomache it's time cut the carbs.

BUT it seems everyone is on a health kick. I have one friend going through a detox which she attributes to the inability to phone me back. I have another friend trying to lose a couple of pounds before the holiday gain. Another friend has recently started to feel slothish which I can relate to... makes me wonder if I should really do something or at least share my food? I was pondering this last night over a glass of wine & a bag of coffee crisps (not a good combination for the digestive track let me tell you... )

Here's what I vow to do... Less cheese and more vegetables (right after I make it to the market). Less caffine (right after I finish this starbucks) and more water (once they advise it's ok to drink it) and more running (only when it's not raining.. it's been icky lately). AND yea.... we'll see how that goes for a while & if it starts to work, I'll adopt more healthy choices.. I don't want to do anything tooooo hasty... because before you know it, I'll be cooking and well, we don't want that.

BTW.. I'm having a mini meltdown today so if you happen to be strolling over the Cambie Bridge & see clumps of hair along the way... it's mine. No need to worry.

To Waste or Not Waste Your Time....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately which really isn't a new thing seeing as I'm a Virgo and one of our character traits is to analyze.....

I like to dish out advice and help a friend whenever it is possible but for some reason whenever it comes to myself I'm about a thick as a brick. I don't listen to myself, others nor my intuition. I make excuses for others & hope that if I want something enough, it will all work out. I always think that I give up to quick, that I need to excercise some patience, or what have you... but lately some things have been coming in loud & clear... I sell myself short and not just sometimes.... a lot of the time. I know I'm not the only one that does that... it's pretty human nature especially for women.

But recent events have become eye openers for me and for the first time feel like I'm really figuring out what is I need & want. I always comment that when I was 16, I seem to have it all figured out. I had a pretty good sense of self, I was driven, motivated & got what I wanted, nor did I take BS. I admired that about myself & wish that I could bring some of those characteristics back.

Now I feel those traits were never gone ... they just got pushed aside for a while.... but figuring out what you want, what your standards are and what you will put up with, all help. If you believe in that then everything else falls into place....

I know what I want & it's not you.

Saw my first dead rat this morning.... could have done with out that.

GOD FORBID!

Shaloa just asked me "Could you imagine if there was a beer shortage?" NEVER.. NEVER could I imagine... Seriously, I wonder what would be become of us if there wasn't any more beer.. perish the thought.

BAD SHALOA... BAD BAD BAD!

But it's Friday (yey!) and I think we need to dissect Grey's Anatomy. Love the show and like any show I watch, I start to despise most of the characters on it after some time (don't know why but they all characters bug me after a while even if it's my most favourite show)... However.. I don't hate everyone on this show.....

LOVE:
Christina (Sandra Oh): She's consistently cold & pragmatic while being loving at the same time.
Dr Bailey (Chandra Wilson): You just don't fruck with her & she coined the term "Stop looking at my VA-JJ."

ON THE FENCE
Burke (Isaiah Washington): loved him.. but this "my hand doesn't work" storyline is making him wishy washy & I hate that in a character
Karev (Justin Chambers): An ass... although...... hot. (having a hard time getting the image of him as Massimo from "The Wedding Planner" out of my head.)
George (TR Knight): WAS hating him but this new surgence of confidence is making me love him a bit more... guess getting srewed figuratively & literally by Merideth worked for him
Addison (Kate Walsh): was loving her .. She's was supposed to be the bitch but you just can't hate her. I loved when her marriage was over, she came to the Chief to say: I need a day off to drink. However, what is with all the sex face puckering she was doing last night? THAT bugs me.
McSteamy (Eric Dane): He's a whore... he's a whore with manicured facial hair... He's a manicured whore.

HATE:
Izzie (Katherine Heigl): I hate to break it to you.... Denny sucked & well, I'm glad you killed him off now get over it & get some scrubs that fit your chest
Merideth (Ellen Pompeo): I really don't care about you anymore.... You're annoying & your voice is annoying. Your face looks bloated & like you had a mishap with some self tanner... Why do you look dirty? Perhaps also make up should look into less conditioner for your hair... it isn't your best quality... Squinchy Rene Zelleweger face isn't working for you either... You should have picked the VET!
McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey): um.................. no. He will never buy my love.

NO OPINION
Merideth's Mom & the Chief.... it seems too just thrown in there & well, you need a chief of surgery in every hospital

BUT this season is winding up to be bla. The aftermath of Izzie killing her soul mate, George in love, Merideth picking who she wants to be with, has played itself out. We're now left with everyone looking at each other wondering what the other is up to. The only character on the show with any balls is the homeless doctor that George bedded. She's a bit too "I wear leather" for me but she's got guts.

AND can I say the most awkward scene of the evening was Merideth & McDreamy in the bath tub.... first of all... why were they in the tub?... Great, they're intimate... but couldn't we just see them cuddling, walking down the street holding hands? Perhaps making some dinner together?

The thing about that scene is that it doesn't look like they want to be there. And I'm sorry but when did someone decide that taking baths together was romantic.. it is ... IF YOU FIT.. and there's jets.. and candles... Not some flourescent, 80 year old pedestal foot bath tub... no no no... Their hair wasn't even damp in any way... her hair wasn't pulled back & they were sitting up right... JUST WEIRD.

Guess I have no choice but to drink beer all weekend.

This water debacle is starting to wear on my nerves. How am I supposed to get up early & come into work if I can't get any freakin' coffee.... Yes, people, Vancouver is under a boil water advisory. What I find interesting is that the water was disgusting yesterday as well & I managed to get not 1 but 2 tall vanilla non-fat lattés (I'm being descriptive in case the day comes to which you want to buy me a coffee. In which case, that is what I drink). These were not simultaneous of course.. but I drank the GVRD water yesterday & am alive to talk about it and I'm pretty sure the vegtables I consumed were washed under the tap...

What I'm saying is: I'm still alive.

and am grateful I live downtown. I was just talking to my friend yesterday about the good ole days I lived in Tsawwassen. Where I grew up specifically seemed to be on its own electrical grid and we lost power about once a month. Ooops the wind shifted.. lose power. Oops... a rain drop fell... lose power.. I was just grateful we had a gas fireplace so we never really froze our tootsie's off too bad. Granted, I saw my share of trees thru roofs but the rest of the town would be functioning as per normal but we'd be forever in the dark. I don't miss that.

No, but downtown you hardly notice the effects of the storm like you do in the outlying areas. I'm not saying that the sun shines specifically on my street but everything seems just a little less severe over here. We get less snow, it's warmer, less wind (unless you get in one of the wind tunnels)... but we do have rats (haven't seen one, but was informed of which last night) Thank god I'm a 17th floor vixen. I want to move less and less every day.

Vain in Vancouver

In the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" Rosie O'Donell says to Meg Ryan
"You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie"

And you know.... I totally do too becuase no matter what battle or strife the characters face, they always get a happy ending.

This week, I keep getting asked, "What's going on?" "Have you talked" and well, no because I'm not dating someone from the movies... those happy endings just don't happen in real life... It's not like the man is going to show up at your door and exclaim "let's make this work!" or give some sort of explanation to their bizarre behaviour (we also don't order food in a restaurant have the waiter disappear to only reappear with said entrées... and while on that topic... It bothered me that Friends ALWAYS got the couch in Central Perk).

Even Sex in the City has the happy ending... didn't they finish the series off w/ a smile? Carrie ended up with Big, Miranda was married to the bartender (baahr-ten-dah), Charlotte got her asian baby & even Sam found love..... WHAT? As far as I'm concerned, that show is a complete let down... I revelled in the mess to which they called their lives. It just leaves me to ask the question: Where is my perfect bow?

I want to create a movie where nothing gets resolved that he actually is a fruck-wad and you're just left wondering.. HUH? what does all that mean? what is the point? I'm sick of the movies where the emotionally stunted man comes out of his shell because that one special woman manages to challenge him or breaks his heart... This propaganda of hope must stop. It just doesn't happen. In real life, you settle.. you make it work, you put up with or deal... WOW... can anyone smell the bitter train I'm coming in on ???

However, I'm still waiting for that one show where it DOESN'T work out & there IS no explanation... you show me that & I'll show you... um.. well, nothing. I ain't got anything.... sorry.

Unfortunately....

The entry that I wrote all of an hour or so ago (see below), was scrambled & wandering... sorry.. I did have a point today but got side tracked with work of all things!!!! no, i was working up a good rant & a half in my head after a long dialogue w/ Princess Nalini about none other: Men.

Such a great topic for hours of discussion an on many levels. I love that I'm friends with all sorts of successful women: Lawyers, Designers, IT professionals, Marketing Magnates, Entrepeneurs etc.... but what do we end up discussing more often then not? men and the grief they cause us (and happiness too but let's face it a good date isn't a cause for consuming 2 bottles of wine) .

NEWEST THEORY:
Much like Valentines day is to the greeting card industry, Men are the fabrication of the wine/junk food industry (I'm sure there are others out there that are part of this conspiracy).... It all ties together you see... There are men, they cause us grief and we go out to drink a bottle of wine (or 4). We get hung over, eat bad food the next day and therefore feel fat. We then rush to work out, diet, take pills (diet pills.. I'm not talking Percocet), spend more money on clothes, cosmetics & salons to feel better about ourselves so that we may attract the "right" type of men to only be disappointed yet again by our latest find even though all of those magazines & their quizzes told us otherwise and we are left right back where we started... at the bottom of a good bottle of merlot....

If Coke invented Santa, I think Jackson Triggs invented the metrosexual.

Yes, I'm a bad blogger....

Yes... I'm a bad blogger... it's been days since a post which is a long time considering I post almost daily but to my credit, I have been QUITE busy both figuratively and literally.

The weekend flashed by in one giant whoosh leaving me with unanswered questions. Course it would help if I had bothered to ask them at the time but one thing about myself aside from my loudness is that I'm pretty delayed. It usually takes me a good day, day and a half for things to sink in. Which can be good in an emergency as I can aid in any help without being phased but bad as when the finality of circumstance does sink in, most people have moved on & really don't care to hear my quipping.

IF any of that made sense to you... bravo cuz I stopped paying attention about half way thru the first sentence. I also want to say I'm not ALWAYS loud. Yes, my persona is giant & I can boom across a room. However, I do have what some would even call a "sweet" voice that I usually pull out for customer service people or when I want to get my own way. It sometimes shocks people & has recently been pointed out to me on a couple of occasions recently. I don't know what some of you out there think of me (and frankly don't care) but I do manage a day to day existence without pissing off multitudes or be thrown in jail.....

AGAIN.. I don't know what I just wrote. WHAT I do know is that I just added a new link to my side... In case you've never looked, there are links on the side there. Two are to a couple of other blogs.... Brutally Honest is usually good for a chuckle.. she's no longer with us though as she was kidnapped along with all the other good looking people of earth. Special K likes to wax poetic. You have my relay team page & the latest edition: Lainey Gossip which apparently is a local gal educating us on factual/not so factual happenings of celebrities. I like her because she is biased and that makes for a more interesting read.

K... so back to more material factors at hand.. My weekend consisted of parties, martinis & football... AND BORAT!!!!!!! I liked that movie. I did spend a better part of it with my mouth hanging open & really didn't know what to make of it at the time but I do find it hilarious that everyone is trying to sue him for being mislead. I am finding it REALLY hard to think those frat boys don't think like that and wonder if the person in the closing sequence was in on the joke (be funnier if they weren't).


SO to recap:
Me...
Good in emergency's. Bad in post partum..
Good to customer service. Bad in every other situtation
Good with alcohol. Bad with hangovers.
Good with overthinking situations. BAD with getting to the bottom of it in the first place

Yes, I believe self actualization is just around the corner... I'll keep you posted.

All My Ex's Live in Texas

I think George Straight was on to something when he wrote that song. At least he knew where all his were and could avoid them. They're not out, they're not milling around, they're not phoning you to go for a drink... no they've fallen off the face of the earth where they belong.

I've never dated anyone from that state.... well, that's not completely true but they don't live there now. What I really wish for besides the 1 million dollars and the coke is that you could round up all your ex's and put them in a box & mail them away. We'll call it the the ex-mate relocation program. When you break-up, the circumstances are reviewed & the person in the wrong is shipped off far away & never heard from again. Then you can live your life peacefully.....

It's a pipe dream really. May be it'd be easier to change my phone number but I had cards printed.

Yarrrr..... i mean.. yuuuuuck.

Recently, I was worried that I was actually starting to run out of things to talk about on here (god forbid) but no, I've recently became quite boring & complacent as I was dating someone I liked & quite frankly, don't want to write about that... and also cuz he read this. (haha.. now I can really say what happened on my stag..... hmmm.. better not ;) )

BUT I have had the opportunity to be able to post myself online (4 of my other friends did it so I figured why not.. let the games begin) Now, I'm a little leary... not just because I despise dating but I am a massive geek magnet which I now believe because of last night, extends itself to freaks too.... Take this conversation from last night:

NOW... remember I have been approached by men that have said austentacious things to be before but this takes the cake..... and according to C-Hatch's description of serial killers, he looks like one in his picture..

CuriousGeorge: Hi
ME: you're too far (he says he lives in Pittsburgh)
Curious George: if a bf admitted being a little bicurious, would you still date him?
ME: HUH?????

Yes, I'm articulate but that threw me for a loop. Once I established that Yes, he is the bi-curious one & was wondering if I'd have a problem with it, the conversation went something like this....

Him: would you date a bicurious man as long as he didn't cheat?
Me: have you been w/ a man before?
Him: no
Me: what has your survey told you... no? I do find it a bit weird.
Him: I guess I only love women
Me: I think bicurious is a hop skip & a jump to gay.. not that there is anything wrong w/ that.. but if you're attracted to men.. may be you should be exploring that.
Me (again): I love women... doesn't mean I want to sleep with them

Him: I want a gf I can be honest with
Me: Yes, but may be it's something you shouldn't open with.
Me (again): why do you want a gf? cuz that's what you SHOULD do?
Him: no cause i want an open-minded woman
Me: And there are none in Phile?
Him: not many on this service and not many pretty like you

Didn't say anything but rather threw up in my mouth a little.

Me: Thx but I'm not interested
Him: Ever see 2 men together?
Me: no... do you keep asking questions til I block you?
Him: no.. sorry.... it's the truth...
ME: what is?
HIM: that i want a woman who accepts my bicuriousness... I would accept hers.
ME: That's fine. but i said it wasn't me & u followed it w/ have you seen 2 men be togehter.
HIM: cuz some women say that's a turn on
ME: ic... can't say it's anything I'd want to watch
HIM: what if a bf wanted to watch you
ME: watch me w/ another man?
HIM: yes
ME: I've heard of ppl wanting another women... not a man
HIM: some want a man as long as he is fit and good-looking

still think this guy is gay.

ME: it wouldn't make you jealous?
HIM: not if he was bicurious
ME: and then you could jump in?
HIM: I might be scared & it would depend what my gf thought.
ME: I think by that point, you wouldn't have to worry... i'm guessing if she's letting you watch her w/ another man, she's pretty open
HIM: but i've never touched a man...nervous for me
ME: right.... i think if you found said man, it's probably not HIS first time.

why I'm egging on this conversation at this point, i don't know.... I think it's about this point I phoned Nanz and got her in on this conversation.... (Hey.. i'm sick this week, I have nothing better to do)

HIM: i'd be worried f my gf did not want me to touch him
ME: right.. well, if you're this upfront w/ every girl you approach I think she'd know where you stand
ME (again): however, if it was me..... i keep thinking that you are gay & are trying to make it ok for you to touch a man
HIM: no
ME: you say that now
HIM: i love a women's mind & body... i just want her to know my fantasies
HIM (again): is the thought of two men nude massaging eachother disgusting?
ME: are you asking me this stuff as a way to guage
HIM: no, just curious

apparently more then I bargained for...

HIM: men like 2 women. do you?
ME: i'm not attracted to women.
HIM; ever fantasize
ME: have you just been waiting to ask me this?

then it got icky

HIM: about touching a women's breasts
ME: no..
HIM: oh...... not even pussy?
ME: no
HIM: cause for me the thought of a cock is a turnon

TOTALLY GAY


ME: is that all the questions you have then?
HIM: i think i could love you.

what??????????????????

HIM: can I see your b/s?
ME: no
HIM: is it difficult to mastubate a man?

yes, now the conversation took a turn for the weird.

ME: HUH? are you asking is it difficult to give a man a hand job?
HIM: yes.
ME: well, u would have the advantage having the equipment no? you at least know what feels good right? like anything it's hard if you're in a weird position
HIM: i've thought about undressing a man, massaging him and stroking him while we are both nude
ME: ok... you don't need to tell me this.
HIM: what IS a good position?
ME: haven't you ever been w/ another person?
HIM: yes, but not a man.. should I stand, sit or lean over?
ME: some position where you can't bump your elbow


I feel like I'm highschool talking to my gf about sex for the first time.

HIM: would you have a 3some w/ a bicurious male?
ME: no
HIM: would you watch one?
ME: no

and he went away... and came back

ME: did you find someone to watch?
HIM: yes.... some said they would...i travel for business
ME: there is a big gay population up here
HIM: listen... i only want to fantasize with a gf
ME: are you looking for cyber sex?

I like how I've now clued in. cuz he asked me a bunch of other stuff that I frankly, don't want to post (yes.. it got worse before it got funny)

BUT I can say this....

HIM: i am nude

about this time, i jumped up & ran around screaming.. Nanz didn't know what was wrong & when i finished laughing, she started too... so we focused a little... side bar: we hate the word nude.

HIM: what are you wearing
ME: clothes... i was cooking with grease

wait for it
wait for it....

wait

HIM: put some of that grease on my cock

and run around screaming again

ME: I carried a watermelon

Because really, when left in a situation where you don't know what to say, always pull out a Dirty Dancing quote.

HIM: would u suck 2 cocks at once?

why the watermelons didn't phaze him, i don't know ..

ME: are you typing with one hand?
HIM: yes, i'm looking at a gay site right now.
ME: ok, listen swashbuckler... I have not time for sword fights & frankly need to block you....

and scene... I think I'll take my chances at the bar.... I should have asked him if he'd rather pee outside... damn.

You don't Get Anything Out of Life Unless You Ask For It..

Right. So I would like one million dollars and a coke. Preferably in a glass with 2 ice cubes. And I don't want those ice cubes that are halfway up the tray as they didn't get enough water poured into their slot.. I want two LARGE cubes of ice... not three because then it would just get watered down. And the glass should be tall & thin. Preferably with a pattern but that can be negotiated... and don't give me this classic cola stuff you get from Costco.. It DOES taste different. Speaking of which, no diet, no lemon, no caffine free, no new coke. I want traditional, fresh from a 2L bottle not a can (I taste a difference I swear) poured 3/4 into the glass and add the cubes in after. Once you've gotten all that right, just place the envelope with my money next to it (unmarked of course. Lets not arouse suspicion) and we'll call it a day.

So I sent my counter proposal to my, hopefully, new boss last night. He's now taking some time to 'digest' it so we'll see what happens. The way I figure it, I owe it to myself to ask for what I want and he did keep asking, "What would make you happy?"

Turns out it's just 10 more then he offered.

BIG NEWS DAY

Straight off the CNN Website:

Burger King serves Pot Burgers to Cops

Man Jailed For Putting Puppy in Oven

'Real Borat' Seeks Apology

Britney Spears Divorcing


I wouldn't even know where to begin commenting............ it ranges anywhere from complete disgust to snide humour.

I may get the top button done up after all....

I forgot to mention yesterday, that I needed to get a new clock radio as it attempted to kick my ass with it's smugness. I set my alarm for 6 am every day. Do I get up at that hour?... No. (well, not anymore as it isn't blazing hot). Rather, I'm a sleep button connoisseur. The only reason I open my eyes at all is because the clock is at the foot of my bed and I must sit up to slam the button & then I'll fall back down for an 8 minute burst of sleep which in my opinion is usually the sweetest sleep of the night... But after doing this 2 or 3 times, I turn off the incessant beeping & allow only the radio to awaken me.

So yesterday, after hitting the button a record 4x, the first song I hear of the day is "All out of love" which normally is a secret fav but in light of recent events, was a bitter sweet shove to my ego. When it was followed immediately by "I want you to want me", I ripped the radio out of the wall & proceeded to throw it across the room... Ok who am I kidding? That is waaaaaaaaay too much effort for me to exude at that hour of the day but I was slapped in the face just the same.

What started out to be a crappy day, proceeded to drag on & I knew I needed to get out of my funk when I ran into my friend's little brother & he informed me "you look down". You know what you need to do then? Eat Sushi... a lot of it.. I'm talking hordes... actually it was pretty gross (the amout I mean, not the sushi itself), I'm still full... Ok, so get some sushi and a good group of friends (a key ingredient) and well, the Japanese beer also helped.

But no, last night was meant to be a pity party for a friend of ours who's ex got married this past weekend. But rather then it being a pity party, it was about a gathering of friends, the wishing good fortune & the start of something new. I'm a firm believer of trying to focus on the good things as we all have problems and setbacks but if you remember what makes you smile, it helps you get through.... and if you can find a little asian girl you can name spring roll, even better.

Today was a better wake up call... I found out I've got good bounce and I'm back to feeling fired up... I'm in a negotiating mood people.... wish me luck! Oh! and C-Hatch... I'm glad you don't smell like milk.