My Apartment....

So let's say we meet. We chat. We get to know each other. You tell me where you live. Perhaps it's Langley. I tell you I live downtown in Yaletown. You think that's fancy. Although, I know what a shoebox of a home I live in, you wonder what my apartment looks like. So you say to me "Wanna show me what a Yaletown apartment looks like?" except instead of an email we're at Bar None, and instead of 2pm it's 2 am and instead of being sober we're hammered AND instead of you being attractive, you're one creepy ass married guy from Toronto.

Yea... no matter which way you ask that... it's creepy.

So I totally did him. Ok, so it was more like I looked at him with disgust and walked away to talk to someone I considered to be 'safe'.... my friend's old boss. Which under normal circumstances IS a safe person. As he is in no way a threat nor is he a dick BUT when asked "So are you coming over to have sex?" I feel the need to flee and straight into a limo with the Toronto Argonauts.... Since when did hanging out with a Football team become the best choice? Well, let me take you back to a time I like to call Saturday night.

Saturday started when I met up with some girlfriends down at Opus as they took out a bride to be for dinner as they couldn't attend her stagette up in Whistler this weekend. It was also High rise's birthday so he and the boys went to the Lion's game for a little football action and beer. I met up with the girls at Opus (worst service EVER!) and we headed over to Glowbal for birthday fun.

Glowbal is divided into 2 sections the restaurant up front and the lounge, After Glo, in the back. The back room was pretty much filled with our friends. It's not a big place but when everyone is piled up directly in front of the bar, it makes for an even more crowded venue. Everywhere you turn, there are people. One time I turned and started chatting with an OBGYN.

I automatically think he's friends with the Pathological liar I met up in Kelowna (story to come and realize this part would have been funnier if I had explained my new friend to you) so I kept asking him.. do you know Mike. When I realize that he is indeed an OBGYN, I couldn't help myself, I had to tell him my stirrup story. I couldn't help myself, I have never met one of them out of their natural environment (between my legs) and I told him this. He wanted to remind me that they are people too which I agree with but I just don't want mine to exist outside of that little room. As far as I'm concerned no one really LOOKS at my Hoo ha as long or to the extent to which those doctors do. He told me it's all business. Sure, but last time I checked I never just took off my pants & placed a paper sheet across me for kicks & giggles. (I'm now picturing one messed up sexual experience)...

I don't know how to recover from talking to a stranger about my hoo ha so I moved along. Perhaps because I bring up my crotch when I first meet someone or perhaps I'm always looking in the wrong places but honestly, I think the real reason I'm single is because I'm mildly retarded... there really is no other way to explain how I never pick up on the fact I'm being hit on... or at least in a subtle way.

So I'm talking to someone I deemed geeky at first but after speaking with for some time, gained points on the hottie scale. I loved that he was decked out in name brand clothes head to ankle and then donned 12 dollar shoes. (well not LOVED as I always look at shoes but I like the fact he wore something because he liked them vs it's cool or what have you and it's funny) ANYWAYS... we chat & I do something I never do... I offered to buy him a drink. Mostly because I'm cheap but to be honest, guys usually are buying me drinks probably because it's something they think they should do and the fastest & easiest way for me to say yes to the disgusting things their going to suggest in my ear.

So I buy him and the birthday boy a drink and we chat some more (now, it's some on into the night & I've inbibed quite a bit so the next part of the conversation is a little fuzzy to me) He says to me "You're 32 how could I date you?" and I retort "oh yea, I know I'm not 18"... and he says "no no... "How could I date you?". You know what I heard? "Yea, there is no way in hell I 'd be seen out with you in public" not the as I've later been explained to "please inform me what to do here"... yea, so after I shot him down now twice (which was the real goal with me spending time & money on a guy I'm trying to get to know) he mentions that I should go to the party he's leaving the bar for. I THEN explain that I'm sticking with my girls that night (why???? they don't care. They leave me all the time) and then he left... with out me.. Yes, if I were a movie , it'd be about here you'd either be yelling at the screen what an idiot I am or getting up & leaving because I liken my stupidity to Jon Favreau's character in Swingers.... painful.

Anyways, Glowbal shut down and me and my girls headed to Bar None (knew I stayed with them for a reason) It was about here where the night went from drunk to drunker. We headed into the back VIP area and ran into several of the players from Toronto... I of course tell them I don't like the CFL or Toronto and this could be the answer to psycho player on Brutal's couch that asked me why I was there, all of his friends were all over me. True I was talking to several people .. whether or not they played is another question. I basically just told them how much I hate the leafs and then was asked to show off my apartment so I went to the bar where it was 'safe' but even better, get plied with alcohol. So as the ugly lights were being turned on, I was being asked if I was coming over for some good luvin'.... yea? what was that Bell? You're going outside? let me run er walk with you.

Standing outside collecting ourselves presented a bit of a conundrum for Bell... does she go with the giant player or go home... I had one question: Is he NOT the hottest guy you've ever seen? so she ran off only to come scurrying back 2 seconds later "His friend wants to meet you". Seeing as my hot sexy proposition was explaining to me that I'm the one missing out, I happily ran off to jump in a limo with the lot of them and go... TWO BLOCKS??? yea, they dropped us off at Sui Hang, the late night chinese restaurant that's known for it's 'special tea' (beer) on Granville Street. Declining to go in, I scampered off to Brutal's place only to find creepy & yet another player on her couch. I would have just turned around and gone home but my feet were in SEARING pain so I needed to sit off the pain for a few moments.

Moral of the story: get some confidence in yourself & always wear comfortable shoes.