Why you shouldn't give out your phone number... especially after a few beers.

I hate dating. For many reasons. It's awkward, you usually don't connect, and you feel like you're on a job interview except in this realm it's more of a sex interview.

This was all confirmed to me many years ago. I guess the relationships that I've fallen into were just that, fallen into. They usually just start & don't involve a lot of games or weirdness. You like me, I like you... let's begin.

However, one day I had found myself single & on one of my infamous pub crawls. It was St Patrick's day 6 years ago and I believe I was even a bus captain of this affair so I had run of my bus.... and of the booze. I whooped it up. I drank, I flirted and gave out my phone number... mistake #1.

Needless to say, he phoned me during the week and asked what I was doing the following Sunday. I liked this so far. We knew mutual people. Hell, he even dated someone that I knew so I figured he was 'safe' . I like too that he was to the point & there weren't games & lots of back & forth phone bla bla bla. It was also my last year in design school & I really didn't have a lot of free time as the projects were piling up. So Sunday it was.

He came and picked me up .. guess what? NOOOOOOT quite how I remembered him. Funny what beer goggles will allow who & what you do.... well, ok. I don't like to think of myself as shallow but let's just say I don't normally go for shorter guys that resemble elves.

He takes me to a restaurant not to far from my house. He's gracious, he's polite unlike our waiter who was pissed that we were the only people in the restaurant and so obviously wanted to go home. I swear it was like a tv show with the quippy little waiter that cracked jokes after every order you made.

I love how I try to be on my best behaviour & don't want to drink to much...... well, that is until I got to know him. It was pretty standard get to know you kind of conversation. We talked about school, work & family. I always find explaining family weird. At this point in my life, I assume everyone knows that my mom passed when I was young. So I try & bridge this subject by talking about sides of the family (mistake #2) when he does this kind of chortle to himself. Not an out loud laugh but rather he drops the hand that was holding his fork and looks down, chortles and shakes his head. So I dare to ask what.

Me: What?
Him: Well, I don't really have sides of the family
Me: ????
Him: ya, my parents are kind of related.
Me ????????????

Ya, you can believe that I'm not blinking rapidly at him but rather bold face staring right at him in disbelief.

Yes, you see, it's 'cute'. His parents, who are cousins, used to play with each other when they were little & then moved apart. Then one day fateful day years later saw eachother and were like "ooh.... you're all grown up." bada bing.

It's about this time where I left my body at the table and floated high above & sho0k my head at myself. I re-entered my body, ordered a drink & changed the subject: The millenium. (mistake #3)

At this time it's only March 1999 and so what you're going to do for millenium new years was the talk of many (granted it was in 9 months but I needed anything that revolved around booze at this point).

He mentions that he was thinking of going down to San Fransisco & hanging out with his cousin for the holiday.

Can someone please pass me a filter??? Yes, I had to say something. It's true. I can't hold it in. I'm the queen of the quip; the angel of alliteration....

Me: Careful, you may get some.
Him: *Chortle*
OH MY GOD!

Ya, so apparently, not an issue for him as he's already explored THAT option! I didn't even leave my body at this point as my heart just completely stopped. He thought it was 'cute' as it was JUST like his parents...... EW!

Was he absent that day in school where they taught you incest was wrong? I love how I changed the subject YET AGAIN (i'm starting to see why the waiter is laughing at me) and he tells me he doesn't get why all of his cousins are super tall and him not so much.. IT'S CALLED THE RECESSIVE GENE YOU MUTANT!

Now remember my two drink rule? Everything is a good idea after two drinks (minds out of the gutter people. Please keep up) No, I agree to go to the Flying Beaver. (mistake #4) I'm thinking may be if I just drink enough, I can forget all about this evening.

So we sit imbibing when, I have no idea anymore, how we got on the subject of bathing suits.. Hey! Why not? You just outed that you're into incest, that your parents are illegal & well, you're ugly to boot. I learned that I'm not a fan of the banana hammock, but guess who is????????

Yes, he drops me off & insists on walking me up to the door. Course I do the, slip quickly through the door, try to close it on his face, but he keeps talking thing. So I'm doing the head bob, uh huh... ya.. ya.. i'll call you.. uh huh.. ok.. ya... buh-bye... and bolt up my stairs. (first right move all night)

I walked into class the next day and all I could utter was: His parents are cousins

No elaboration was needed.

I think it took me a good year before I could give out my number again.