Things that I've Learned the Hard Way

When I describe myself to people I like to consider myself one of the smart ones. I am quite educated with my years of University and Art & Design Schooling (7 years in total) but it's those intimate life lessons that really teach you about yourself & about how things really work.

Since childhood, these rare opportunitities pop up every once in a while and include the following:

1: DO NOT stick your face in front of the tire swing. (age: unknown)
2: Everything your older (meaner) brother tells you is NOT the truth. (still applies)
3: Everything your all male (meaner) neighbors tell you is NOT the truth. (age: 6ish. I'm truly gulliable as I apparently believed that 6 & 7 year old boys could get their hands on explosives)
4: DO NOT attempt to do cartwheels up the stairs. (age: 5. Just finished watching some gymnastics and thought I could spring board just as well as them. If you ask why the stairs.. my only answer is Hell, I don't know! I was 5! My favourite part of this memory is when I came crying to my mother who was on the phone, she took one look at me and covered her ear to finish her conversation. My guess was that I was a bit of a drama queen... Stine: shuttie.)
5: DO NOT attempt triple sow cows when you have no idea what a triple sow cow is. (age: 6. I still obviously thought that if I see someone do something, I believe that I could too. I have NEVER seen so much blood on my face)
6: DO NOT slide your ass across the dock to get closer to the water's edge. (age: 8? Yes, while dipping our feet into the water, my friend Karlee exclaimed that she could feel the seaweed & when I said I couldn't, she told me to move closer. ALWAYS get up and sit back down because if you are not against the grain you can end up with your friend's mom picking slivers out of your ass with a tweezer. This memory is also up there on my most humiliating list.)
7: DO NOT believe Lisa when she says "I do this to my Sisters ALL the time". (age: 13/14. Because of the statement, I was able to get a very attractive haircut and manage to blackout while getting doubled on my 10 speed down 6th Avenue in Tsawwassen. How you can pedal to the bottom of the hill and not notice I wasn't on the bike anymore, I don't know.)
8: DO NOT jump off 60 foot cliffs & close your eyes causing you to bend your legs in the air & slap the water with your ass. (Age: 15. I took a dumb ass hiatus for a couple of years but came back in style in Hawaii in 1991. My friends & I found this cliff that was blocked off to trespassers behind the Sheraton in Kaanapali. To the right was whirl pool and the craggy rock you need to climb up to get out of the water was covered in crabs so obviously we gotta jump. The best advice when that high is to keep your eyes open to maintain control of your body as the impact of the water against your ass can break all of the blood vessels in your legs. I didn't sit for 3 days)
9: When you are running away from the police, do it on even ground (age: 15. We were partying down at the causeway, and when the police turned up, I grabbed as much booze as I could & headed straight out of there. Too bad the rocky beach had potholes.)
10: ALWAYS BEND your elbow when you hit an edge after diving into water. (age: 16. I loved launching myself off diving boards. My friend's pool had a shorter deep end then my pool. So unfortunately, when I hit the slope of the deep end, I didn't bend my elbow but instead kept it bone straight & absorbed the shock of the dive through that joint. It still cracks to this day.)
11: It takes A LOT to dent a Chrysler Imperial. (age: 17. Chryslers are strong! Whenever I was lent the car, it was my mother's giant black chrysler imperial that my friend Dave referred to as the Godfather car. That thing had more leg room in the back seat then the front and because of the size of it was sometimes a bit ornary to back up. Some things that didn't work: A church, your friend's car door as it's not an imperial and Yes, it does dent....)
12: DO NOT attempt to carry penne and a glass of milk while trying to walk down the stairs while hammered. (age: 21. I believe an earlier post covered the highlights of THAT one)
13: DO NOT attempt to jump into a kiddie pool that has an inch of water. (age: 28. I think Bon Jovi was referring to plastic when they released their album "Slippery When Wet". As I was mid air, it occurs to me, that may be this isn't a good idea & sure enough, my foot slipped out & I fell onto my ass seriously pulling my achilles heel)

And thanks to this years houseboating trip, I was able to learn not one but TWO important life lessons that really don't need a lot of explaining.

14: DO NOT rub your crotch against the rope swing. (age: 30. Not the place where you want to have rope burn.)
15: DO NOT stand near fire dancers that have been drinking. (age: 30. Too close is when you can feel the flames lick the side of your face)

And probably the most imporant one of all......
16: Strangers really do have the best candy (still applies)