Busy Doing Nuthin'

NEW SITE!!!!

2007-09-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

Found a new site! Am still slowly working out the bugs but from now on, I'll be yelling at a different location: Busy Doing Nuthin'

See you on the flip side......

Your Future Self...

2007-09-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

If the future you could fax a statement to you, what would it say?

Perhaps it would say that dressing your dog up in stupid shirts was a bad idea or maybe that it's not as bad as the woman outside Nestors that puts a hoodie on her poodle and covers it's little ears.... terrible look by the way.

Want to Clarify...

2007-09-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

As I've been over thinking things as I do (who else remembers conversations from when they were 8?) I want to clarify that I welcome the critiques as they add to fuel to the blogging fire & spawn stuff I may otherwise forget like the STORK... didn't write about the stork... will write about the stork when I know more about the stork & it's not the stork that brings babies but rather it brings disease and conquers the world. Yes you should be confused as was I for most of the night.

more to come on storks & other non sensical musings

Inappropriate Started at a Young Age...

2007-09-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

You may recall my friend, Nanz (seriously the best picture EVER. I've had to promise her that I wouldn't post this on facebook). Well, I met her the first day of grade three as she was the new kid in class when at recess, I grabbed her hand & exclaimed "Let's play!" and dragged her out to the see saws (Am realizing that I wasn't just inappropriate but bossy then too... )

Now, it may occur to you that there is nothing wrong with just transpired and you're right there was nothing wrong with what had just transpired. In fact, it could even be deemed cute that I welcomed the new girl with such exuberance. It's more what I said AFTER we met up with her sister that could turn some heads & ask "'scuze me?"

If you recall, I'm the same girl that played 'I'm the only Gay Eskimo' to the gay guy at work and reiterated Will Ferrel's Neil Diamond sketch to the Columbian immigrant '...my creativity is fueled by my hatred for immigrants & breaks into Coming to America...'

So it's of no surprise that the first thing that popped out of my mouth would be "I've never seen people like you before!"

Yea, I said that.... and it isn't because she is black.... it's because she's half black. Yea, loved my mom but I think she slept in the morning she was to teach me manners. You see, I used to see Nanz, her sister & her mother (who is white) at swimming lessons at the pool during the summer and I did what any clueless child in that situation would do... I stared and for long periods of time to the point where Dressage (her sister) gave me the eye stare back (you know you look at the person & bug your eyes out back at them to say 'yes, F off, I can see you staring at me).

I once asked a friend around the same time "How was the funeral?" and was told you NEVER ask that question... and to my recollection, have never uttered those words again... You see, I DO learn from my mistakes... just tell me. Course, I'll just find other ways to embarrass others (it's never me at the time, I'm clueless). Talk to loud, fall down and so on.. the list just grows....

I'm the only Gay Eskimo...

2007-09-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to this for years & actully thought for years it was from SNL and featured Jack Black. This is because I downloaded from limewire (I don't steal music) and I can make up what it would look like in my head which is actuallly WAAAAAAAAAAAAY funnier then what I ended up seeing today. Although... still a chuckle

What's even better is that I played this for the unconfirmed gay guy at work (only unconfirmed at the time. I later met his partner. Also I'm the only one that picked up on it... For no reason either. One day I just looked at him & decided to start using partner instead of gf. I have the gaydar) ... So apparently I'm so inappropriate to the point of it being cute because I'm so clueless.

My other favourite moment was singing the words to Will Ferrell's sketch on SNL of Neil Diamond, to the woman who had immigrated here from Columbia & I quote:

"My creativity is fueled by my hatred for immigrants" and then sang "Coming to America"

I actually saw Ceasar's mouth open to stop me from spitting it out but the words fell out of my mouth non the less and instead, she hung her head & shook it. Yea, I'm classy.

the trouble with blogs..

2007-09-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

So I was chastised on Saturday because my post about last weekend read like one long inside joke which does happen from time to time as I have to decide whether or not I'm going to let you in on the joke and then I'm really trying to decide between a super long as post or a continuous post for days........

It also got asked whether or not I had sex in that post. I want to clear this up now, I have not nor have I ever had sex on this blog . There are certain things I will write about & reveal about myself. My hoo ha being a big topic of that nature but sex will never get talked about. Mostly because I figure I could start another website and charge for that kind of information (JOKE.. it's a joke. It was pointed out to me that you don't always know it's a joke).

But in all honesty, I would never talk about that subject for several reasons. One of which, it's really non of your business. If there is a ancedote where that would be part of the story, I tend to glaze over it & trust you are smart enough to read between the lines.

Secondly, this is supposed to be a funny & light hearted blog. I make jokes. Nothing serious gets written about (with a few exceptions) but I don't like to air real relationship dirty laundry out in the open. If I do, it would be quite veiled. If I am talking about you, aka: Trainwreck, I pretty much have lost all respect for you and value nothing that transpires between the 2 of us. However, someone like Furniture Man did get mentioned but in the context of me visiting him. But I would like to think you don't know the intimate details of our relationship as that is private. If I do refer to sex... it is ALWAYS for the joke or even to move the story along. Even they kiss in disney movies.

Thirdly, I have family that reads this... I don't want them knowing everything.. weird!

Fourth & last point. I have a time buffer too. If something happened this past weekend that would be a good story but seems too soon to talk about... I'd wait about a year. The cousin date was funny because it happened in 1999. Ok, so it's just funny but I would probably start making fun of my break up with Furniture Man a year from now as the dust has settle & feelings are no longer really an issue.

But bottom line... Nothing of any real value to me gets unfolded here. If I could tell a stranger the story, I will write it. (I have become very comfortable talking about my hoo ha). Which is funny as some guys I have dated have read this & I'm pretty sure it freaks them out because they think I'm some big party girl but as I've said many many times, the stories where I just sit there aren't as funny.

So no, I didn't have sex with the gay guy I dated either... he just watched.

I'm also debating about switching from Blogger so I can multiple pages so I can have the rules of the blog and a cast of characters handy for reference.... as some ppl do not like their names but as of the weekend have found ones that stick.

I'm looking for a Good Labial Crack

2007-09-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

I got ahead of myself yesterday when I referenced a person I had yet to write about. I also can't believe I failed to mention one of the biggest characters I have met in some time I'll name Pathological. I use the word character because I am not sure if I met the real him or a composite of him.

On the Sunday of the Labour Day weekend, 15 of us got together to go wine touring in Kelowna (huge wine country up there). Course we had hired a van to drive us around as none of us are responsible enough to spit & drive. So we piled into 2 vans. One of which had a very young (21) hot blonde driver to which Dickhouse couldn't help admiring. Quick to his aid, as a good friend and wingman is, Pathological tells the hot driver that Dickhouse is a Google Earth Pilot...

Yes, a Google Earth Pilot. You know how Google Earth has photographs of pretty much everywhere on earth up to the minute.. well as the story goes, pilots fly all over to capture those moments for the web (and you thought it was satellite) and Dickhouse is one of them... I'm not sure if she didn't believe him either but I have to admit Pathological has a certain je ne sais quoi when he tells a story. Charisma doesn't quite sum it up perhaps convincing does.

Before I was introduced to him, I was informed of this tale he told the driver.. I was also told he likes to lie.... like all the time. Not lying as he puts it. As he puts it, girls don't want to hear about the boring marketing bla bla that you do on a daily basis. THIS, this is a conversation starter. You start off by telling someone you're a Google earth pilot and before you know it, you're engrossed in conversation... yes, it's gross.

For example Mr Profession told us he is a Chiropractic Gynecologist and we giggled. (may have been the wine). And he says.. I know! I know! everyone laughs but it is real.

"I studied down in California just recently moved back to Vancouver to open my own practice there" he explains.

He then he goes on to explain any objections you may have as he's heard it ALL before. This especially comes in handy when the girl at hand has her boyfriend standing there objecting to what Pathological is saying. WITHOUT flinching he can masterfully not only pull off this lie but you start to think you should make an appointment with him. It's a beautiful thing.

If you go through my friends on facebook (and oh YOU too could be one... ), you'll note he said he know me because we "met randomly in 2007: We worked together at a Chiropractic Gynecological Facility in San Diego". Felt so honoured to be part of the lie because let's face it, I LOOOOOVE a good story.

Course when I met the OBGYN on Saturday, my first instinct was to ask if he knew Pathological as I figured that was just a conversation starter.... course when I realized he REALLY was a doctor, I could not help myself from talking about my Hoo Ha for 20 minutes (yes, I keep bringing that up ... it too is a beautiful thing).

When I emailed Pathological to tell him of my amusing encounter, he asked me if I have developed my own fake profession... It's a delicate thing. You don't just make something up that would be totally believable but you create something kind of odd that makes the person think is she/he or isn't she/he? The more ostentatious the lie... the more likely the person will believe... But I had nothing. Not 2 minutes after hitting send I got this in my inbox:

"Highly suggest something like, "Lead Negotiator for NetJets." You work with Bombardier, Gulfstream, Lear, Honda, etc., to negotiate the lease/buy contracts for all of the aircraft in the fleet. Your dad was a pilot so you grew up around planes. And after attending Law School at UCLA you decided that you'd prefer to use your skills to negotiate contracts. You moved back to Vancouver since NetJets has an alliance connection to MillionAir at the YVR and it's an easy direct flight from Vancouver to all of the major manufacturers. Oh my god this rocks!"

I'm telling you this shit just rolls off his tongue... I have 3 weeks to get this story down with a straight face for his party. Course he'll be there helping the tale along... can't wait!

Business Time

2007-09-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

Thank you Shaloah for all the links this week.... Happy Friday! wish it was Wednesday.

My Apartment....

2007-09-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

So let's say we meet. We chat. We get to know each other. You tell me where you live. Perhaps it's Langley. I tell you I live downtown in Yaletown. You think that's fancy. Although, I know what a shoebox of a home I live in, you wonder what my apartment looks like. So you say to me "Wanna show me what a Yaletown apartment looks like?" except instead of an email we're at Bar None, and instead of 2pm it's 2 am and instead of being sober we're hammered AND instead of you being attractive, you're one creepy ass married guy from Toronto.

Yea... no matter which way you ask that... it's creepy.

So I totally did him. Ok, so it was more like I looked at him with disgust and walked away to talk to someone I considered to be 'safe'.... my friend's old boss. Which under normal circumstances IS a safe person. As he is in no way a threat nor is he a dick BUT when asked "So are you coming over to have sex?" I feel the need to flee and straight into a limo with the Toronto Argonauts.... Since when did hanging out with a Football team become the best choice? Well, let me take you back to a time I like to call Saturday night.

Saturday started when I met up with some girlfriends down at Opus as they took out a bride to be for dinner as they couldn't attend her stagette up in Whistler this weekend. It was also High rise's birthday so he and the boys went to the Lion's game for a little football action and beer. I met up with the girls at Opus (worst service EVER!) and we headed over to Glowbal for birthday fun.

Glowbal is divided into 2 sections the restaurant up front and the lounge, After Glo, in the back. The back room was pretty much filled with our friends. It's not a big place but when everyone is piled up directly in front of the bar, it makes for an even more crowded venue. Everywhere you turn, there are people. One time I turned and started chatting with an OBGYN.

I automatically think he's friends with the Pathological liar I met up in Kelowna (story to come and realize this part would have been funnier if I had explained my new friend to you) so I kept asking him.. do you know Mike. When I realize that he is indeed an OBGYN, I couldn't help myself, I had to tell him my stirrup story. I couldn't help myself, I have never met one of them out of their natural environment (between my legs) and I told him this. He wanted to remind me that they are people too which I agree with but I just don't want mine to exist outside of that little room. As far as I'm concerned no one really LOOKS at my Hoo ha as long or to the extent to which those doctors do. He told me it's all business. Sure, but last time I checked I never just took off my pants & placed a paper sheet across me for kicks & giggles. (I'm now picturing one messed up sexual experience)...

I don't know how to recover from talking to a stranger about my hoo ha so I moved along. Perhaps because I bring up my crotch when I first meet someone or perhaps I'm always looking in the wrong places but honestly, I think the real reason I'm single is because I'm mildly retarded... there really is no other way to explain how I never pick up on the fact I'm being hit on... or at least in a subtle way.

So I'm talking to someone I deemed geeky at first but after speaking with for some time, gained points on the hottie scale. I loved that he was decked out in name brand clothes head to ankle and then donned 12 dollar shoes. (well not LOVED as I always look at shoes but I like the fact he wore something because he liked them vs it's cool or what have you and it's funny) ANYWAYS... we chat & I do something I never do... I offered to buy him a drink. Mostly because I'm cheap but to be honest, guys usually are buying me drinks probably because it's something they think they should do and the fastest & easiest way for me to say yes to the disgusting things their going to suggest in my ear.

So I buy him and the birthday boy a drink and we chat some more (now, it's some on into the night & I've inbibed quite a bit so the next part of the conversation is a little fuzzy to me) He says to me "You're 32 how could I date you?" and I retort "oh yea, I know I'm not 18"... and he says "no no... "How could I date you?". You know what I heard? "Yea, there is no way in hell I 'd be seen out with you in public" not the as I've later been explained to "please inform me what to do here"... yea, so after I shot him down now twice (which was the real goal with me spending time & money on a guy I'm trying to get to know) he mentions that I should go to the party he's leaving the bar for. I THEN explain that I'm sticking with my girls that night (why???? they don't care. They leave me all the time) and then he left... with out me.. Yes, if I were a movie , it'd be about here you'd either be yelling at the screen what an idiot I am or getting up & leaving because I liken my stupidity to Jon Favreau's character in Swingers.... painful.

Anyways, Glowbal shut down and me and my girls headed to Bar None (knew I stayed with them for a reason) It was about here where the night went from drunk to drunker. We headed into the back VIP area and ran into several of the players from Toronto... I of course tell them I don't like the CFL or Toronto and this could be the answer to psycho player on Brutal's couch that asked me why I was there, all of his friends were all over me. True I was talking to several people .. whether or not they played is another question. I basically just told them how much I hate the leafs and then was asked to show off my apartment so I went to the bar where it was 'safe' but even better, get plied with alcohol. So as the ugly lights were being turned on, I was being asked if I was coming over for some good luvin'.... yea? what was that Bell? You're going outside? let me run er walk with you.

Standing outside collecting ourselves presented a bit of a conundrum for Bell... does she go with the giant player or go home... I had one question: Is he NOT the hottest guy you've ever seen? so she ran off only to come scurrying back 2 seconds later "His friend wants to meet you". Seeing as my hot sexy proposition was explaining to me that I'm the one missing out, I happily ran off to jump in a limo with the lot of them and go... TWO BLOCKS??? yea, they dropped us off at Sui Hang, the late night chinese restaurant that's known for it's 'special tea' (beer) on Granville Street. Declining to go in, I scampered off to Brutal's place only to find creepy & yet another player on her couch. I would have just turned around and gone home but my feet were in SEARING pain so I needed to sit off the pain for a few moments.

Moral of the story: get some confidence in yourself & always wear comfortable shoes.

The Male Phoebe

2007-09-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Thank you Shaloah for passing this ditty along to me. The first one is about 3 minutes long & the second is about a minute and a half. Granted their a new testament to having songs that won't leave your head but are FUH-NEE......

This is an offering to the Punk & Grunge People out there

Least Likely Source...

2007-09-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm not going to lie to you... I've gone to a couple of bars in my lifetime *cough* Ok, so I've been to a couple of bars this week. Even though, I've been known to be a bit of a lush, there are some drawbacks to frequenting such locales.

The hangover is an obvious negative and is becoming worse as this broad gets on in her years. Creepy, slimy men that ogle, drool, pathetically attempt to pick you up can be construed as a drawback but due to highly hilarious stories that result, they generally aren't so bad. Over pricing, over crowding & not finding somewhere to sit could be a problem. Even the music could be bad but then you just change locations.

No... all of that can be over come (with the aid of some ibuprofen and a gatorade), it's CRAPPY ass door men that piss you off that you really can't do anything about. They're big, cranky & in my opinion not always of the highest intelligence (Ok, so for arguments sake & because I don't want to hear about it, not ALL doormen are dickheads as I have been friends with a few in my day but for my argument, I need to build some momentum). It's their infuriating nature to which they dangle a good time in front of your face & if you are lucky enough, they will let you in. I thank Studio 54 for creating such a melee. Why some guy that is paid 12/hr decides whether or not I'm allowed in. FINE.. fire codes & over crowding are acceptable but it's when they're a dickhead that really turns me off. As thought the establishment doesn't really need my patronage and whether I come in, has no bearing on them. My favourite is when a bar will keep a line to MAKE it look busy when in fact there is no one inside.

I vowed after I turned 25 to not wait in useless line ups any more. If it's a matter of clearing the coat check... fine. If it's 5 minutes... fine but you reach an age & you start to know enough people, that really, you shouldn't have to WAIT the 3 hours you did when you were 18.

CASE IN POINT. Friday night, I was out for Stine's bf's birthday (nickname to come), and we decided after dinner to go to the Beagle for drinks. The beagle is a pub in Kits located on Broadway. We like it because you know a few people there & it's busy enough for that party feel you're craving.... As my friends were waiting to enter, up walks little blonde thing that shook her tits up to the doorman. As she was talking, Dark Bunny got a little impatient. We MAY have had one bottle of saki too many at the restaurant but lippy is not what Dark Bunny is. Hell, I've never even seen her raise her voice.... well, not in a serious way. So when she said "ok honey, are you going to seal the deal or what?" we laugh because HELLO! it's a joke. I find out that she said this as she was being escorted from the line.

You see, when I showed up to meet them, the doorman looked us & declared that none of us were getting in. We looked at him dumbfounded & he relented & said "Ok. SHE'S not getting in because she was rude to my friend" Ok.. WTF?? are you serious. Dude, you know that chick will never sleep with you right? She already got what she wanted and by the way.... it's the Beagle. Get over yourself which is what I mentioned to him after we decided to leave. Yea, I felt like mentioning to him that he's retarded so I may not be allowed back there either.

Course, this is the same place I came with Kung Yu one night where upon falling out of the cab, I marched right in to the pub not feeling one care in the world. I would even say I traipsed in as though I was entitled. So after Kung Yu pointed out I walked right in, Shaloah & Stine pointed out I walked right in, & then doorman came in after me & exclaimed "you walked right in" I couldn't for the life of me, figure out what the problem was & could only answer back "yea....... and?" and then we stared at each other.

This was much in the same manner the uncomfortable silences I shared with my father. He would approch my bedroom door & ask if I took out the garbage. After I would reply "yes", (and only in that tone an 18 year old can muster after years of breeding resentment) we would just stare at each other waiting for the other to add something to the conversation. He in my doorway and me sitting on my bed. Only he could break the awkward confrontation & would by walking away. I wouldn't talk to him again til the next day. Our phone conversations pretty much work in this kind of flow continuum hence my reluctance to phone him.

However, in this instance, it seemed simple to me. This was a bar, I want to drink, I walk in.... Unbeknown st to my beer goggles (more of beer shields. The kind that gives you tunnel vision and takes away your side perspective), I wasn't aware of the small line up that had formed. Needless to say, I won. Nor do I still understand the problem that night as the place was empty and all anyone could say to me was "you walked right in"... YES yes, i did.. No one is here so why is this an issue? that and I think I'm pretty darn special. The special police told me so when managed to rescue a dozen puppies from a burning building with my bare hands. Now if that's not miller time then I don't know what is.

Dogs aren't Reindeer

2007-09-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned it before. Dogs don't like reindeer or emulating them in any way. They would much rather be Santa as seen below. (yes, I have NO LIFE if I'm still posting pictures of my dog from over 10 years ago)

LOOK HOW SAD HE IS.. his tail is down & hating me! Like our stockings? Mine is Rudolf

and you've seen this before but look how he smiles with the Santa hat.

Crab Shoot...

2007-09-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

First rule of crab racing... don't talk about crab racing.

So I won't. I'll post photos

Here they are pre-race/dinner in the tub. You can see Syphilis to the right of the hand.

Here we are hovering around waiting impatiently for them to do anything.

Impatient for them to move, we got out the chopsticks & prodded them to move to no avail. My hair is blocking Lucy from view.

You Motorboating Son-of-a-Bitch

2007-09-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Motorboat: The placement of one's face, specifically the mouth, into the area between a well-endowed woman's breasts, followed by a rapid shaking of the face in a side-to-side motion accompanied by yelling. The resulting sound that is created sounds similar to an outboard boat motor.

So for labour day weekend, a few friends & I trekked up to Kelowna for a weekend of fun times, wine, wine touring and more fun times. Fun times were indeed had as was the wine. No shock that they tend to go hand in hand.

On our second night out on the town, we hit Rose's pub which has a LOVELY patio right on the lake. Among the multitudes of drunk people was a fellow in the fanciest (and by fancy I mean a value village special) brown suit off set by a baby blue shirt. Jammer actually had pointed him out earlier in the evening so by the time the social butterfly had made his way past our table, Jammer had enough drinks in her to grab him exclaiming "Hey you motorboating son-of-a-bitch" and proceeded to grab with both hands around the back of his neck and pull his head to her cleavage.

I don't know if it was because he was completely stunned or crazy drunk blondes are frightening (probably not.. which by the way is some obvious foreshadowing) but the look in his eyes & his complete resistance to Jammer wasn't as amusing as watching her wrestle with all her might to make him succumb to the boat and like most.... he finally did with a resounding brrrrrrrrrrb.

When we finished he looked at me and asked if I was next.... to which I replied no... Not because I'm opposed to the motorboat as I'm usually the one administering the task but because let's face it my girls are quite the disappointment. Because of the pathetic showing that they've made I'm not above wearing cutlets to enhance the look and well, I could just picture him pushing his face side to side knocking one of my cutlets right into someone's drink.

Fast forward to later in the evening when Suit (I still didn't know his name as the moment never really presented itself. Every time he'd walk past our table, I would just yell out "Suit! suit! to beckon him over as I had more boobs for him... Was feeling pimpish that night) managed to win a way into my heart... he was plying me with alcohol. It was after our second shooter when declares that I like him. To which I had to enquire why he thought that.

He goes onto explain that when I resisted him motorboating me that it showed I liked him & I was putting up a challenge. Not only did I choke on my drink becuase I was laughing, I managed to retort "Oh yea, I'm a big challenge". It was about then when Suze walked by stuck her head between my boobs & motorboated me like no other. Something about that moment seemed not only ironic but mocking..... Yea, dude, I'm in love.

sorry I'm about to subject you to this...

2007-09-11T15:57:00.000-07:00

First Annual Kitsilano Crab Race

2007-09-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

I hit the Llama Lounge Saturday afternoon for what was the 1st Annual (and probably the last) Kitsilano Crab Race .

First rule of Crab Race: You do not talk about Crab Race (ooops)
Second rule of Crab Race: You do not talk about Crab Race (double oops)

Anyways, we had all hit the markets, and carefully chosen our crabs. Upon arrival, we placed them in the tub, registered your crab and sized up the competition which was fierce. There was #1, there was Lil' JW and the front runner... Syphilis.

I named mine Lucy & said it's competitive edge was it's anger. I was then informed it took after it's owner... to which I say "BAH!" and surprisingly DIDN'T smack Hark (like to change it up.. the meds help but it's nice to keep em on their toes).

When race time approached we lined up our crabs (we ran them in groups of 4) in a pen... Ready! Set! Go! and we released the block & you know what happened?

Nothing. Crabs don't do anything. I really don't know what we were thinking.

Poking them with chopsticks doesn't help either. Capt'n managed to make hers scuttle 2 inches by poking it in the bum so we declared it an instant winner. After a lackluster race & a few Michael Vick comments we relented & decided to just throw em in the pot. I think Lucy was just mad I named him that... Found out you are only allowed to catch male crabs so giving him such an effeminate name angered him & out of protest wouldn't move...

I think next year we are going to try Lobsters but I won't keep you informed as Rule 1 clearly states You don't.........

How You Know You Don't Get Out Much...

2007-09-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

I feel pretty safe in assuming that we've all been on a road trip. ANNNND I feel pretty safe in assuming that most of us have had too much to drink. ANNNNNND when you combine the two together, I feel pretty safe in assuming that it results in some late night hotel room debauchery & loudness.

side bar: One Vernon tournament weekend resulted not only in being kicked out of the motel but my 2 friends (brother's actually) spent a night in the drunk tank which actually worked in their favour. They both had beds & a good night of sleep while the rest had slept in a car & SUCKED bad the next day on the field because of it (definitely not the booze)... Actually only one brother had a good night of sleep. One didn't have a pillow & one got to use a roll of toilet paper to prop up his head.

ANYWAYS... so let's say you are on your stag & you want to do it up in style so you book a 1000/nite room. I suggest that unless you've done that before, don't start then... or just don't be a flaming retard.

I spent the labour day weekend up in Kelowna and not surprisingly, I met a stag. So when a flock of us went back to the suite for some aprés bar fun, there was a knock on the door. Yes, security came by to let us know we were too loud. (not a shock really. We did have the windows open, music on & we don't know how to speak w/out yelling). HOWEVER, it was the fat little agro man that spazzed at EVERYONE in the room that I couldn't handle. I don't appreciate someone yelling shut the f*ck up to my friends that are just sitting there. Not to mention the groom was a complete dickwad & was upset that he had been snubbed by Bell & brutal downstairs. I'm sorry, but girls get fed B.S. ALL THE TIME. So when you claim to be staying in some swank hotel & then CAN'T get in (no key, concierge ignores you), we assume yea, you're lying. It's called getting over it. I had to hear about it for a good hour after the fact & then the next day & then later that night...

Oh, did that seem long? yea, not everyone was a dickhead.. there were others that were fun.

OH.. and what is the difference between a 1000/nite room and a 200/nite room? Security wears flak jackets in the latter. Apparently I was rooming in the ghetto. When sercurity knocked on our door friday night we were met by a swat team. (ok, one guy) but did that stop us from continuing to party...... (ok, so I was asleep but my friends are nuts).

Why I'm Single...

2007-08-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

I am a faithful Starbucks drinker. I go if not once a day but 2 or 3 times. If I stopped drinking from there, I could probably save up a down payment for a condo. So needless to say, the Starbucks staff knows me & they know what I drink. Sometimes they have the drink done & ready for me before I even order. (That's the one time I change it up as I like to f*ck w/ them. It's really my only joy during the day). My new caffinated religion started when I first moved downtown about 5 years ago. Vancouver's downtown core alternates between sushi restaurants and Starbucks' locations. If you don't believe go stand on the corner of Thurlow & Robson and view the opposing coffee shops. But the new proximity made it easy for me to gain a new found addiction and our love affair began.

When I first moved downtown, I lived in the west end with 2 girls that had nothing other then a fateful ending. My Starbucks located on Davie & Cardero next to the Safeway where I was robbed on my birthday (yea, 31 was great but I digress). There were 2 guys that worked there that I always chatted with. One had a delightful accent & would inadvertently give me grandés when I'd only order talls. The other was a goofy looking but friendly manager. I really didn't think to much of it back then. I mean, when I worked retail, I chatted with our regulars too. It creates good relationships right?

However, things at home weren't as sympatico and it was decided that it would be best if I moved out. For those that know me, know that well, I’m not exactly easy going… no, I think I’ve heard the saying: Leanne, RELAX, many many times. Yes, I can work myself into quite the frenzy and even more so on moving day. So caught up in all I had to do that day, I thought I’d take a break and run down to my west end Starbucks just ONE more time. The friendly manager was working that April morning and was telling me about the great day he was having. His manager had came in that morning and had given him TWO Canuck Playoff tickets.

Now, for those not huge hockey fans, not from Vancouver or even Canada for that matter may not know what a coveted item hockey playoff tickets are in Vancouver. They sell out FAST and have to be one of the best things about hockey (playoffs that is).

So as he’s gloating about his glorious present he mentions that he has NO IDEA who he can take with him to the game that night….

My response: Oh yea? Well, good luck with that. And I walked away from his crest fallen face.

As the door was hitting on me on the ass, I realize "DOH!” that was the biggest hint drop EVER but what was I supposed to do then? Go running back in & say.. OH TAKE ME! TAKE ME! I get it now?

Yea, not so much. But like I said he was goofy looking & the Nucks lost anyways. Even better was the fact that I moved & never went into that location again. So dude probably thought it was him... meh.

This gave me a little insight to why I must be single… I’m retarded. Has to be as the retardation reared it's ugly head again just last nite. As I was out w/ some friends for a post bday drink, I got chatted up by a guy that I HAD met before (about a week and a half ago) and was making a pretty obvious play for me… or at least showing he was interested. THAT much I got. However, he says to me "I hope to see you again" & I respond with .. "yea, you will" (non Shaloah way)... Fueled by the fact my friends thought he was cute led me to a quick panic about exactly how will I see you again? how will this happen? or when? in November? Yea, I got nothing. Not a oh, sure.. why don't you call me? or, you should come to this. (course being that I rarely go out, I have nothing to invite him too. The Sex in the City characters always conveniently had openings and parties on the go.) My friends mentioned that there really wasn't really anything else I could have said there but coming from a newly married and a newly boyfriended, they dont' know what it's like to be desperate er I mean a woman on the go.

So Great. Now I have to resort back to grade nine tactics and go stalk Malone's patio. Worst is that I saw Hoops there & he'll probably think I'm stalking him.. WHICH I'm not.. setting the record straight.. AIN'T YOU... the other one.. the other one I'm stalking but in a good way.

Nothing about me feels 32...

2007-08-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I spent Sunday at the PNE with Splatter Platter and Madame High Kicks & was waaaaaaay to into the Superdogs show. (they really are SUPER dogs... ) Perhaps I don't feel 32 because we watched the toon town parade that featured adolescent boys lip syncing to crappy music which forced me to wonder whether or not their balls have dropped. I'm not kidding the cheese factor was so high, I was waiting for Uncle Jesse to come out from behind a tree.

I know it definitely has nothing to do with only seeing people I know in the beer garden. My friends pointed out it seemed weird that I knew no one ALL day OUTSIDE the beer garden but IN the beer garden, I knew 5 people. What can I say? Like minded people tend to hang out at the same place.

I know that without doubt, it has nothing to do with the fact we watched Trooper because when "raise a little hell" was released I was learning to pee in the toilet and therefore I am too young to be nostalgic. (BTW.... There are still Trooper fans. Odd I know as I thought half the band would be dead by now but I saw someone wearing a Trooper t-shirt from a show in Nunavut 2006.... These people came to the PNE specifically to see Trooper to have a good time, not a long time. Still waiting for Uncle Jesse to take the stage.)

I'm still having a face off with the eye cream that I got for my birthday last year and have yet to use it... Only old ladies use eye cream right? So that couldn't be an age feeling factor.

It also has nothing to do with the fact that I want to learn to play the Air Jazz Flute. I have air drums down as well as air guitar (Although, still haven't mastered jumping off the speakers while rocking out the guitar but I was always a little clumsy)

Side Bar: Madame High Kicks & I went to the bathroom at the Hastings race course because the men to woman ratio there is about 9:1 so the line up for the bathroom was nil. However, the ratio of live creepy men to dead ones was ALSO 9:1. MHK pointed out a toothless wonder sitting in front of a gaming screen as we exited the loo. So sure that this man was dead (his feet were propped up & he was passed out & there was no motion to him whatsoever) that we wouldn't even poke him. Rather, we just tossed trash at him to see if he'd flinch... nothing. So instead of notifying someone, we just booked it (OK, so we never threw anything at him... we just took pictures. kidding.... sort of)

No, splatter platter came in & wondered what we were horrified by. Seeing the dead man, he then proceeded to rip off his shirt & revive the man back to life by cradling him in his arms while singing you are the wind beneath my wings. When the man awoke, SP then played a mean air flute, we laughed & then got a beer with Uncle Jesse.

Because I kept tooting about how wonderful my former pets were, here are a couple of pictures.

At the last second, Elmo batted at the lens cap cover. Made for the most adorable picture. Although, you don't get a sense of how large he really was.

Mumford at Christmas. We had deer antlers too but he REALLY hated those & would try to eat them. Dogs apparently would rather be Santa then the reindeer... as shown here. You can see him smiling!!!

It's Confirmed...

2007-08-22T10:24:00.001-07:00

My Poet is completely crazy and Lady confirmed that she has gnomes at her work as well. She can not explain why fabric samples go missing so often. I may have forgotten to mention that they steal stuff alongside messing up your place.

Things that Freak Me Out....

2007-08-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

One is called Rob Loblaw...

I've received 2 more letters from him since my last post & my new theory is that he knows this site exists or he really is that odd. I'm at a point now where I only have an acct to have something to write about.... because I fear who it is I attract. Just today I hada 41yr old creepy friend of a friend email on facebook to tell me I could write on his wall anytime.

Second Letter from From Rob:
Subject: Breakfast Club

"YOU BURNT ME SO BAD MY LIFE IS SLOWLY PEELING AWAY.YOU HURT ME IN A WAY ONLY THE CAST FROM THE BREAKFAST CLUB COULD UNDERSTAND. "

Third Letter
Subject: Things That Move Me

"THE FIRE IN YOUR EYES SPEAKS TO ME TELLING ME TO PUT ON PYROMANIA BY DEF LEPPARD.I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THINGS THAT MOVE ME LIKE ELEVATORS,ESCALATOTRS,ROLLERCOASTERS...ETC.WHAT KINDS OF THINGS MOVE YOU?"

uhhhhhhh..... yea.

Happy Birthday To Me???

2007-08-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

For the first time in four years, I did not get the exact same birthday card from my father. Which made me sad in a way as I was collecting them and in a couple of more years was planning on making a necklace. I give him credit for still finding a card that manages to laugh AT me upon opening it but at least it isn't the same goofy tiger but rather was replaced with a fairy holding an umbrella (insert the annoying Rhianna song).

No, it isn't my birthday so please hold your accolades. No, tonight I went out to Surrey (giant hole east of Vancouver... if you're offended too bad, it sucks) for dinner for my Dad's wife's birthday. Yes, the step monster got a year older but not a year closer to death by my guess. No, I think as she gets older, she gains more strength & power so that one day she will be able to eat my head with one giant bite.

Yes, every year on August 20, I trek out to Surrey to attend a birthday dinner and give her my overpriced present. This year was of no exception and I was phoned & informed that she would like an overpriced shampoo & conditioner she saw on Oprah that you can only find at Holt Renfrew (therefore, I've also concluded that she comes downtown several times a year and doesn't phone so I can see why I would want to buy her presents.... )

I sound bitter I know but you see, my birthday is NEXT week so my dad kills two birds with one stone when I go out for the dinner. When we arrived at my sister's place and was getting out of the car, my dad asks "do you have a purse". I thought he was ensuring I took everything out of the car when he all of the sudden hands me my envelope. No pomp & circumstance. No Happy Birthday just a quick shove under my nose & he turned and walked into the house...... thanks?

At least I knew right then and there I would be free next week because GOD FORBID I have a birthday dinner with my father. Seeing him twice within a week. (so side bar: I'm free next monday... drinks anyone?????)

No, now I probably won't see him til around Christmas and considering I am planning on going somewhere hot this year (vowed that to myself as I was trekking thru a foot of snow in Edmonton.... Seeing as I didn't get a chance to see any of the Ukranians, I didn't even get any freakin' Perogies last year... NO! this year I'm drinking Pina Colodas while tanning on a beach and I don't care who's around!). So in light of said vacation plans, I probably could push off seeing him til about March. Five bucks says I don't speak to him now til October.

They Live Among Us...

2007-08-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not talking about aliens. I'm speaking of something waaaaaay more rational and believable. I'm talking about gnomes or a facsimile of.

Yes, it's true. They live among us. I can't say exactly where as I've never seen one but I'm going to take a guess and say they're either under my bed, couch or in the corners of the closet.

My only basis of reasoning is that I have NO IDEA how my apartment gets as messy as it does. I've had several theories on this. One is that I'm home more these days so therefore there is just more clutter. However, I'm home more and can clean up these messes. Then I realized that when I'm not home much, I can come home some days & it looks like my apartment just threw up everywhere. So because I haven't been home, the cleaning just gets away from me.

HOWEVER! if I'm NOT home, how does it get messy and that's when I realized that I must have little gnomes that live in my apartment and mess it up because god forbid, I'm a pig. It's not me nor could it possibly be me as I'm near perfect and considering my one flaw is my giant egocentric attitude, it isn't my inability to put things back in a drawer.

As soon as I capture a picture of one of these suckers, I'll post it online but they're tricky. They're patient. They wait long hours for you to go to sleep & wait forever for you to leave home to come out & destroy. I know they are patient because in April when I wasn't sleeping, apartment was tidy... coincidence? I think not!

Ode to me...

2007-08-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

Just when I didn't think there was anything that could really cheer me up these days I received this little ditty.. Normally I don't paste word for word emails (such a huge liar I am) but I felt that this sufficiently freaked and weirded me out at the same time:

A poem to me:

YOUR SKIN IS AS TENDER AS A PERFECTLY COOKED LEG OF LAMB AT MY FAVORITE GREEK RESTAURANT.
BLEKA-FLAMENDER ZOOZMAN,GUN-STIG NEDER TOM-TON DA -VOMPING DAS VEENER-SNAWD.

YOUR SMILE FILLS THE ROOM IN WHITE LIGHT A WHITE LIGHT SO STRONG IT CONSUMES ME...LIKE A MAN CAUGHT IN AN AVALANCHE.......A FEMALE AVALANCHE THAT IM IN LOVE WITH AND SERENADE EVERY NIGHT.
FREETRE-VEEKER IMPA OODLE VEEP-VEEP DAS VEENER-SNAWD.

THE WIND BLEW LIKE A MILLION FANS FILLING AN ITALIAN SOCCER STADIUM.
SNEW-KEY FIN-SUM DA BUN-TON EZLAR DA SARKEY-SNEWD.

THE DAY WAS LIKE THE NIGHT ONLY WITH LIGHT AND THE NIGHT WAS LIKE THE DAY ONLY WITHOUT LIGHT.

Now, I don't know what that is in the italics (I've made this easier to read than what I got as it was one giant run on lump in my inbox). I would assume it is a different language only no language I've ever seen.

I'm open to interpretations.... go for it

I don't know anymore....

2007-08-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

I actually woke up this morning and decided that I didn't want to write in this ever again. I have felt this has become utterly pointless & lame and actually was resenting people all together... as the day wore on, the anger receded mostly because of recent events.

A friend of ours (me, brutal, bell, jammer, watson, tito, dark etc...), suddenly and tragically died on Friday while Houseboating. We're awaiting the autopsy results to know for sure what happened. While dealing with all the tragedy of Jimmy pop, I found out my friend's dad passed away yesterday. I adored him. Very sweet man and very kind. My darling friend is not doing well in all of this chaos. It was expected to happen this week as he had stomache cancer and was really just hanging on at this point. I don't know if the double dose of bad news is hitting me hard or his passing is making me remember how hard it was when my own mother died.

Right now, I'm not finding much funny these days, I hope things will get better & I hope the pain is getting a little less strong for my dear friends. I wish I could be out there in Alberta with you tomorrow but unfortunately I can't be everywhere. My heart will be with you.

Life is Short...

2007-08-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting as of late much because my computer has decided to not let itself turn on. So in order to maintain work flow, I have been borrowing a computer back at my old office at Momentum. Although, it is very kind of them, not having your own computer is such an inconvenience. I thought that would be the extent of crappy things to happen last week.

Went up to whistler this weekend with several friends only to have it turn completely sideways and am having a hard time making heads or tails of everything. Life is short and *poof* in a moment it can change forever.

Cherish your friends, your family & yourself. With that being said, I want my friends to know that they all mean so much to me & without each of you, I'd be a basket case. You all bring so much to my life & I love all of you for just what you are... you.

He Took It Out....

2007-08-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

Ever kiss a guy and after a couple of minutes he un-does his pants? Ok, so let me clarify that. Ever kiss a guy for the FIRST time and after a couple of minutes, he starts to un-do his pants? REALLY? that's not normal? Maybe someone should have pointed that out to buddy friday night... wait, I did as I went running out of the house.

Ok... so may be alcohol played a factor in the evening (it's me.... when doesn't it?) but I just don't know what he was thinking.... that if he did it, I would feel compelled to take off my own clothes? or rather, if it was out, I would get all excited & do other sorts of crazy things? Either way, it just made me run. ALTHOUGH Sunday... Sunday was a different story.. TOTALLY put out sunday. That'll show pants off guy.

Best Break Up Ever!!!!

2007-08-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

Actually, it wasn't so much of a break up was it rather was closure. I figured though after no returning his last text, I wouldn't hear from him again but gay boy popped online yeterday to say hi & inform me it had been a long time. He wanted to let me know that he had been working every day. I was being abrupt but I finally figured, meh... just put this out of it's misery or he'll keep talking to you... I just let him know in the nicest way possible ... it's just not there. To which he told me he thought so but really there was no harm no foul as that was dating is. You go out a couple of times & figure out if you like each other and seeing as I avoided him like the plague when we were out, there was no awkward yea, but we slept together yada yada.

But what the real best part was (aside from doing it via msn) was that we had said earlier that there was no point in being friends post dating as we already have those... so he'll just go away.. he'll just disappear.. He'll just poof! be gone... OH!!!! I'm so happy. No trainwreck here. Guess there is an upside to dating a gay man.

What kind of mullet are you?

2007-07-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night is the 3rd night of 4 of Vancouver's Symphony of Fire Fireworks Competition. Last Wednesday I found myself trekking over to Lady's apartment in Kits for a little rooftop wine & viewing (except I drank beer so I don't know what I'm talking about) but before I entered the cold beer & wine, I spotted a couple where one of which sported a fancy mulltet..... and it wasn't the man.

Aside from the fact that this hairstyle is lauded everywhere, women generally have a stronger finger on the pulse of hair-dos. Kind of baffled me that said hair was sculpted into such a shape. And it's not like this is a woman that has just let her hair grow out but rather it was VERY short all over the head with a sort of extension growing down her neck.

Last time I saw a mullet like that, I was knee deep in rye & perogies at my cousin's Ukranian wedding. Which brings me to one of my more embaressing family moments (and there are many) but this one is special because rather then my own bumbling, my brother is the one that threw the spotlight on me & left me red faced in front of hundreds of people.

Yes, the giant Ukranian wedding where my cousin invited 500 of his closest family & friends (half of which, I'm related to... starting to think I'm related to half of Alberta) & had the reception in the gymnasium of the local highschool in Lamont (half an hour northeast of Edmonton). I sat at a table with my brother, his wife, my other aunts & uncles whom I knew at the front of the gym in front of the head table. Great spot actually as it was in throwing distance to the bar and we got first picked to eat. So by the time the speeches started, we were past dessert & about 3rd drink into the evening (ok 5.. but I can't remember the count at this point in time).

First line of business was for the MC to introduce the head table. He arrived at the best man, the groom's brother, and was quick to point out that the ladies should be forewarned as he was single (laughter enused) and he managed to make that joke about a couple of the bridesmaids as well. Fine everyone had a good laugh. Then he turns his attention to out of town guests. Instead of just sitting there when their name was called, people rose & gave a small wave.

So the MC points out that I'm from Vancouver. There I am standing up in front of a gym full of people and me only knowing a handful when my brother yells at the top of his lungs "she's single too!... any takers??"

I stood there frozen in mid wave like a deer caught in head lights & I swear I heard an "ooh " come out of the crowd.

My brother had to make an early exit as his wife ate some bad chicken & I spent the rest of the night I kept avoiding farmer bill (don't know his name) and his tight white jeans. You know how you get an image in your head what a redneck would look like & then you actually see it? Yea, that was him... mullet madness, plaid shirt & tight white jeans. Kept trying to get in my line of vision. So desperate to avoid him, I kept polka-ing with Bernie (real name), the pharmacist who may or may not have been a cousin. Finally when I emerged from the bathroom, there he was standing across the hall & I got the Leather Tuscadero salute*.
NO IDEA why didn't snap him up.

Like I said, I was spending time with Bernie. Probably would have kept talking to him but you see during the speeches they also explained that the wine glasses were expensive (20/per) and that we should be careful with them. So half way thru the night.. 8 glasses of wine in, I'm telling a story & anyone who knows me, knows I gesture wildly with my hands & can become quite excited about a story. So as I'm speaking of god knows what (I know that most of my stories horrified him), I'm waving my hand around only to slam the wine glass down shattering it.

Ooh.... not good. I placed a napkin over said glass got up to change tables but not before making a trip to the bar (remember, in throwing distance) and grabbing myself a new glass of wine. (Well, I broke the other one). So as I sat speaking to my cousin Terri (who's sister's name is Sherry. Honest to god. That coupled with the fact I attended South Park Elementary makes me think my life is a cartoon), I again get very excited about a story "Bla bla bla..... " SMASH.... uh oh, that's 2. I just put another napkin over that glass & decided to switch to cans of beer.... at least those won't break.

Pretty sure the toaster I bought them didn't cover the cost of dinner, alcohol AND the glasses I broke.... Not looking forward to seeing what they'll do at my wedding.

*Not a Happy Days Fan? Pinky (wore pink, had red hair) was the girlfriend of the Fonze & Leather (wore leather and had a mullet when I come to think of it) was her younger sister.
When she said hello or said goodbye, she would slap her thighs 2x & then give you guns.

A Couple of Thoughts...

2007-07-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

I just came back from having the WEIRDEST weekend ever. I spent a good part of yesterday morning thinking about what I'd write in this entry (actually while I was lying awake in bed writhing in pain because I drank my weight the night before in gin. Funny what goes thru your head when you're detoxing). Basically this entry was going to be angry and vindictive and sound hurt. However, after I stopped throwing up, my anger subsided & didn't feel it was necessary to single out a person on here. Rather, as the day progressed, I started to feel a little disappointed and instead of being angry about a single act, I am now seeing someone for how they really are. The sadness is still there and so is the hurt, but the anger is subsiding as it just takes up too much energy. Instead, I just feel loss.

Aside from that, I also decided that the day is always so much better when you're on a boat and I'm a good dancer.

High Kicks Forever!

The Cat, The Ball & The Neck Brace....

2007-07-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

I love hearing these stories. I may scream in whore-or but I love hearing them nonetheless... Keep firing them over & I'll keep posting them. (I may embellish details for story flow sake however)

Last night while at Ultimate, Porn Star delighted us with yet another tale of our friends. A couple together for a while one night decided to enjoy the pleasures of the skin.

What started out as an innocent exchange of love turned into a hot & raunchy romp fest. There she is on all fours & him just given'er from behind with balls just banging away against her ass.

Enter a cat from stage left.

While to some, a very sensitive part of the nether region is a very delicate area even in full swing, can appear as a fun kitty toy to others. So as he was pounding away, unaware of his surroundings, the kitty reached up with both claws & clamped on to his ever so tender nuggets. The immense shock & pain caused him to lurch his hips forward and throw his girlfriend headfirst into the wall.

For the next few days, he was walking bow legged & she donned a neck brace. WHAT I would have given to be a fly on the wall of that emergency room visit.

Moral of the story: If you own a curious kitty, lock the door. There is only room for one cat during sex.

Daily Whorror

2007-07-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm enjoying a mini break at work and decided to check in with all my celebrity websites. Upon reading LaineyGossip.com, I found my computer screen being covered in juice as I spewed chunks when I read the following:

Scott also listed and ranked his past conquests....He rated Denise a 3…and Liza Minnelli – yes LIZA!!! – a 7???

So, investigating I went. I found his bio on wikipedia (I love how they have up to the minute updates)

On July 24th 2007, Scott appeared on the Howard Stern show on Sirius Satellite Radio and received a standing ovation from the staff. Not only did Howard ask to shake his hand, but also asked if he could smell it, in typical Stern fashion. On the show Baio admitted that Playboy quietly banned him from the mansion for a period of time in the late 80's since he had dated each of that year's Playboy Playmates and then some, totaling 24. A spokeswoman from Playboy called Scott and told him that he needed to "slow down" and some of the Playmates he was with were also involved with Hugh Hefner. In the same interview he confessed that Heather Locklear was the greatest lover he has ever had, hands down. He rated some of his lovers on a scale of 1-10. Denise Richards 3, Beverly D'Angelo 10, Liza Minelli 7, Melissa Gilbert 10.

Charles in Charge will never be the same..... ever

2 More Sleeps!

2007-07-25T09:56:00.001-07:00

So excited for this movie.... it's about time. Course this song has been running thru my head non-stop so I thought I'd share the pain.

Tis the Season...

2007-07-23T18:51:00.001-07:00

To get married. Last weekend was a wedding, this past weekend was a stagette and right now Monica is proposing to Chandler on the TV in the background. I'm all ensconsed in the wedding glee....... of others.

Dark Bunny just got back from a trip to Alberta where she attended a Ukranian wedding no less. When sitting around lunch with some fellow co-workers, and we were speaking of different cultural traditions, it was made mention that Iranian weddings were very beautiful that Indian weddings have wonderful dancing. When asked what Ukranians do, I mumble out..... we polka.

Yes... Ukranians polka. SURE we have the fancy cossack dancing where Russian men flail their legs about as though they are separate from their bodies (we're talking some serious lower body muscle control here people) BUT given the right amount of perogies & rye, we resort to jumping back & forth. It's not HOT but you put back the drinks my uncle makes* & you try to have moves... It's actually quite a brilliant dance.

* When my uncle asks you if you want your drink to be two fingers, he doesn't mean your index finger & middle together but rather make the hang loose sign & turn it on the side and there's your alcohol quotient. This is my theory as to why some women have chest hair.

Don't believe me? At my cousin's wedding, when I went up tot the bar for a vodka coke, I am met by a polish vetran (well, we were in thier hall. Makes sense that we'd put them to work). He free pours me my vodka and directed me to the 'mix' table where I can add my own coke. My drink went a light shade of yellow. I kept haveing to drink a little bit and add more mix. Notice I am not pouring any of it out as that would be a great waste of booze. Needless to say, we ran out of drinks & my uncle had to make a quick dash to the store to re-stock.

One wedding in particular, where I was completely mortified by my brother (love you), we had our own Polka Band. There is no faking it here people, we're hard core. I managed to have a few jaunty numbers with a pharmacist named Bernie but not before I discerned whether or not I was related to him and unfortunately... I think I was somewhere. No big deal.. I managed to scare him off.

And I Thought I Could Dance...

2007-07-20T16:00:00.001-07:00

Prison inmates in the Philippines practice their "Thriller" routine. I have never seen anything like this... don't have words

View into the Future...

2007-07-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

All I've learned this past week is that unless you're incredibly annoying, I will date you.... Yes, that includes Gay boy (not that there's anything wrong with that but there comes a definitive point in the relationship when you are both attracted to men that will hinder any further developments in said love affair).

No, after disclosing that he is indeed NOT gay and that he has never been asked that more since moving to BC, I still furthered the end by texting him to tell him that we really had nothing in common. The fact that he texted back & told me he thought we had a 'connection' wasn't what spurred another date but rather what happened saturday night.

Saturday day I went to the wedding of 2 complete strangers. Neither of them I had met before but my friend Jennifer needed a last minute date as her original one had to bail. So rather then take another guy & fuel speculation that he's her boyfriend (bride is her ex's sister... wants to give the right appearnce), she took me & we announced our African baby was coming in October.

The wedding was great. Food was good, wine was great, the people were fun. Our table consisted of 2 couples and a single woman in her 50's that was friends with the mother of the bride. Jen and I both had heart attacks because not only was she stuck sitting with us but was this a peek into our future 20 years from now? Here was this 50 something year old stewardess (sorry, flight attendant), never been married, going to weddings alone. I mean COME ON! Jen is already taking me as a date.. who's to say that we won't be showing up alone to these things pretty soon. Not to mention the fact that she's never taken the trip.. has been close she said but never went thru... ugh.. NOT enough wine my friends... not enough wine.

So, I figured I'd give the gay guy another chance... unfortunately for him, I now find him incredibly annoying so I doubt I'll call him back.... I just need someone that does more then waiters, & goes to wreck beach. I even commented that it's like he's 21 & he retorted with, yes, Isn't it great?

NO! no it's not, when I was 21, I was in art school, worked in a bar & lived in New West. Course, back then I had a car & cheap ass rent & loved what I did...... hmmmmmm, i may need to review this.

2007-07-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

Things that I've Learned the Hard Way

2007-07-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

#821: There is no good way to ask the guy you're dating if he is gay (or at least bi.. I thought I was being tactful by asking him if he's ever 'swung'). Apparently, you are the second person this week that has asked him that. He doesn't know any high energy gay men and that in fact he is dark & moody. So when the last thing they say to you on MSN is "ok, now I'm offended" they wil l pretty much block you in a huff and log off. Probably won't answer the 'I'm sorry phone call' because god forbid, they're not being a drama queen but because as they put it, they're no queen at all.

Well, I wondered how I was going to get out of this one...

Getting My Giddy Up On...

2007-07-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

Stampede Recap:

•Tito picks me up at Sandra's house & was drunk
• Get on the plane & drink (I hate the turbulence over the rockies!)
• Spill drinks all over pants... obviously rub broken cookies all over front of pants
• Get to Jammer's......... drink, sleep, repeat
• Make fun of P-Wood including coming up w/ the name

Friday:
• Zip the COP
• drink
• suntan
• drink
• get ready for evening
• drink
• go to dinner
• drink
• dance...
• be an all assuming jack ass
• drink
• dance more (serioulsy, I owned that 2 foot space near my table... why I don't go on the dance floor is beyond me)
• Go to dance floor.... boys

SATURDAY!
• go home (hahahaha.... j/k)
• drink
• bbq
• drink
• go to Cowboys convinced we'll be out of there by 8-9........ close down bar
• drink

SUNDAY...... HOME!
Course, I'm the only one that comes home from Stampede & goes to another beer garden but in my defense it is the best beer garden ever which inspired our not finished (or begun) patio website. Followed by a bbq & watching my friends get hammered.....

THAT my friends, I call a good weekend.

I Know!

2007-07-05T14:45:00.002-07:00

I haven't bee posting... I actually have been to busy to post. Not only do I need to finish the Relay BUT I have to catch up on Dan's Birthday, Houseboating and now Stampede from this weekend coming up... so much drinking.. so little time.

Here's a little thing for you to ponder while I'm away:

Why do people insist on talking to you in the elevator? I'm taking all my stuff down from houseboating to storage & then grabbing my suitcase to come back up.

A family gets on with suitcases in tow. I'm doing my best to be unapproachable. I'm staring at my feet & standing in the corner. The dad comments "you look like you're going to the beach!"

Sure, I'm holding a sleeping bag but whatever. I just mumble out "no".

*pause*

The mom pipes in "So do we not get to know where you're going?"

Ok.. why? why do you need to know. Why MUST I be going somewhere & you MUST know where that is. Do you want to come?

I inform them that I'm not going anywhere. (and rudely may I say) And the daughter finally asks: Are you taking it to storage?

Seriously, this family is fascinated by me. I also don't know why they think I MUST be going somewhere I'm dressed in one step above pjamas. (I have to quickly do laundry before I take off for stampede).

So they get off on the ground floor, and the daughter says, good day. I don't say anything as I'm madly pressing the close button. She repeats herself louder: Have a nice day! and she lingers by the door when she's doing this to ensure that I hear her because obviously, I'm the one with the problem. Ok, fine. So I'm an asshole but they were annoying. I've never seen a nosier group of people with a bigger need for love & acceptance. I know didn't have to be a complete a-hole but it was funner this way.

I wish when they asked me where I was going I had answered "hell". They probably would have hugged me & said that sounds like fun.

I know!

2007-07-05T14:45:00.001-07:00

was THAT mean?

2007-06-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

So I received a text from Train wreck late last night (329am to be exact) stating the following:

Are you going to stay mad at me forever??? Would be nice to hear from you to know your still alive anyways going in for surgery tues and off all week call me

Note the mispelling of you're (your). Sorry I'm fickle, but it's one of my biggest pet peeves.

I didn't get the text til this morning as I spent a better part of yesterday sleeping off my 24 hour relay (posts to come) but I when I read it, I couldn't help myself. I had to respond with:

Are you finally having your head removed from your ass?

Apparently, I offended him... it's mean.

I think it's pure Gold.

Offending Women & Gord Everywhere...

2007-06-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

I designed our new team logo yesterday & only had one complaint and from the least likely of sources....

UPDATE:

2007-06-12T12:29:00.001-07:00

Apparently I was chastised yesterday because it wasn't 'jucier' . So sorry to disappoint you that I did not take him into the back & shag his brains out... not my style........................................ anymore.

I was going to let the whole thing lie but was coaxed into contacting him and in true dumb boy fashion I got a dumb response.... nothing changes.

Am starting to feel better from the weekend. Well, I was feeling fine yesterday. Sunday however, left something to be desired. Saturday, Veternarian was celebrating her 35th birthday & thought it'd be fun for some pre drinks at her place then head out to Roosters for a good ole' Ho Down!

In theory this is great... In practice it's bad.... all bad.

Pre drinks were chocolate martinis which unfortunately do taste like chocolate & go down as such. The to-go cups were probably not neccessary. Nor was the über long drive out to Roosters (courtesy of her friend). When faced with an hour-hour & a half line up we decided to high tail it back to Coquitlam & go to Boone County (may as well keep the country theme of the evening). Which was fine as there was still more to-go cups! So I was in fine form to do more shooters once I showed at Boone. Luckily for me I got to see..... The Apologizer in all of his agonizingly earnest air. (I think I REALLY don't like him). Not only was he there but an old friend from back in the day (yey!) and.................. someone who I really don't know how to describe. I'll name him Leiutenant Crazy.**

**SIDE BAR: Leiutenant Crazy is a security guard for Brinks Armored Trucks and dated a friend of mine several years ago. He was so in love with her that could NOT accept her dumping him. I doubt that she ever really liked him but rather was an "ok, fine... I'll date you if you'd just shut up"

Cut to a couple of years later at a mutual friend's wedding, Girl in question's husband had left for the night. Leiu decided that this could be his chance. Ran back to his room to change from his suit into denim shorts & a wife beater & come back to show off his what I could only imagine is where muscles would be. This then stirred quite the scene which resulted in him punching out his best friend and having to be held down & kicked out of the wedding. Leiutenant Crazy, thank you for being ................ you.

SO you can imagine the horror I had when I received an email from him when he got home saying "thx for the lap dance"....... Yes, Yes I did that. I somehow managed to do a half assed clamored dancing thing sort of on him. My only consolation in this is that I threw up shortly afterwards. Apparently, my body rejects Leiu. It's a relief really.

Yes, the Vet & I had to go home becuase we were both ill from our festivities. Worried that I was all time a-hole. (Love the fact I never really have met her friends before and I get sick), I talk to her the next day to find out her friend thinks we're hilarious & recounted the many things we did once we arrived home & well, yes it sounds quite funny. I'd tell you about it but seeing as I can not recall any part once we left the bar, it would be half assed.

All I can say is that I will never drink a martini who's recipe we find on the backside of a candle again!

I'm My Own Romantic Comedy...

2007-06-11T10:29:00.002-07:00

So Friday saw me in my sweats working away at my website (coming soon!) and getting ridiculous phone calls from Tito & Bell. Turns out they are having drinks on her patio and they insisted that I join them. Believe it or not, I was reluctant as once I enter work mode, I tend to not want to veer to far from the right so after some persuading (more like, "just the f up & get changed & come here), I saw myself swigging back the martinis with them.

We had decided that we were hungry and headed to Cactus Club. I had promised some friends that I would be stopping by their place as well so when the lot of them went on to Opus, I jumped in a cab and headed kitside. The girls were having a 'who needs boys when you have toys' party and I got there at the end but not before listening to a very informing CD...... (seriously, who would buy an instructional back door CD?) but I had arrived there at the end (no pun intended) The girls were packing it in for the night so after a glass of wine, I saw myself heading BACK downtown and outside Ceili's.

Fathead was no where to be found & I was not about to wait in line. Right about here, Tito came stumbling out. I thought Bell had sent him along but it turns out he had lost her. So the two of us decided that the moose would be a more fitting place to have a drink.

I love that my night had slowly deteriorated into that. That just a couple of hours earlier, I was sipping a martini at Opus (before I headed to kits) and now I'm in the Moose. Albeit, fun but more grungy then other places but I wasn't complaining... I can get my full gong show on there... but didn't.

No, I was in the back corner fumbling with my black berry (thing is so old & big that it's hard to handle w/ one hand), that it pops out of my hand and lands in the midst of a group. I scramble through the legs to grab it & manage to stand up right in front of a some what cute guy who doesn't hesitate to ask if had been at the moose to watch a playoff game and points to the table to which I sat.

Now, I pause, I had to recall what he was talking about as it was 2 months prior to when I did that but YES, yes, I had been sitting in that very seat watching the game with Stine & Cap'n Jess. We were actually having a meeting about the Auction that night and I recall the guy as well. He happened to be sitting underneath the TV that I was watching & it was impossible to not make eyes with him every time I looked away or changed focus.

I pointed out that I do remember him & recall that he had invited about 18 girls to sit at their table. He smiled & explains that he is a tour guide. HOW that factors in, I don't know but I let it slide... dude remembers me smiling at him from 2 months prior... OBVIOUSLY has good taste, I can't argue.... let the flirting begin. I hadn't talked to him that night of the hockey game but he had my attention now.

So he was trying to me somewhat smooth & asks if he has to wait another 2 months before he sees me again & tries to find me a card to which he had none.... So I mention that it may look like it'll be October before I see him again (when hockey season starts for all you non-watchers). Frantic at the thought (k, so I'm playing up that part... but it's my story.. ) he figures out another way to give me contact info..... he runs off & comes back with a make shift card that he fashioned out of a receipt. I asked if he would take me on a tour of Vancouver... he said he would if I called and left. (why, can't I be this flirty when I'm sober? No, in real life I stare at my umbrella)

I haven't phoned or emailed... I don't know why but I think it's because I really have nothing to say..... I had my own cards on me that night and could have just passed him one but it was way more fun to watch him scramble around but now I have to contact him. Meh, I'm sure after a couple of martinis something will inspire me... but no chocolate ones!...

Saturday night saw me take the toll of the chocolate martini & am unsure if I can go down that road again. Damn you Paula & your delicious recipe. Note to self: never trust an drink recipe that comes on a candle.

Why I Hate Facebook...

2007-06-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've never had to write "Not Married. No Kids" as many times as I have in the past 2 weeks. It's starting to become humiliating really. Not that there is anything wrong with my life but I really am starting to relate to Bridget Jones more and more with each email I compose. Next thing you know, I'll be sitting alone drunk in my apartment lip syncing to bad love ballads... WAIT! that was LAST night.... Yea, I got nothing. Here's to a good guilt free summer. Let's face it, can't houseboat the same way when your boob is leaking milk.. just ain't right. (offside but meh, my blog).

to clarify...

2007-06-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't been employed for over 2 years... In both the Advertising Agency & the Marketing Agency which I worked in, I was never employed as an employee but rather have just worked as an in house contract and have been paid as a vendor.

Recent events have just taken me out of the office and put me BACK at home where I was working just a year ago. This is something I actually wanted... well, I didn't want it in THIS apartment as the box is getting smaller each day I swear. However, I'm back to my own hours & schedule which I love and although there will be long hours ahead of me, I've managed to cut back on the 14 hour days (which will follow soon, I'm sure. Ok, who am I kidding. They're here again... but the crying has minimized).

What is different I've noticed is that I'm actually busy working. I haven't been writing because I haven't had the time believe it or not. Also, the past week of self loathing has finally subsided & am feeling outgoing again.

Anyhoo... summer is encroaching on us & I can feel the patio bevies on my lips as I write this.... let's hope it's going to be a good one. I had a dream last night that it was the end of August & I couldn't recall the summer. I was most unhappy about the fact that I didn't get to wear all of my fun summer clothes. Then I made out with Daniel Craig. HEY! I don't question it.. I just dream it.... Speaking of which, I'm going for a nap...

The half degree of Seperation in Vancouver...

2007-06-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

So it's the weekend and I'm begrudgingly accepting that fact as the past week has been one of self loathing.... why you ask?Mostly because I went to a Bobblehead Fundraiser & acted like I've never been out before.

to sum up: drink drink.. get ready.. drink drink... go to party.. drink. Work door. Get crabby....

Need to lose crabbiness so I pull out the limbo stick... OHHHHH yea.. the limbo stick. I'm starting to see this contraption as being my fall from grace. As not only does it increase my drunkeness 10 fold but I seem to act in ways that are unbecoming of anyone i know... mostly me.

Exhibit A:

Not to be out done... I give you Exhibit B: (with the aid of Stine's art direction)

Words escape me except I can safely say these are NOT the worst ones out there! No, those are safely with me & have been un-tagged in facebook.... Unfortumately for me, as the week wore on, i found out more & more details from that night... It's not that I have forgotten any of the details from that evening it is just that I don't recall them right away on my own.

For example, my friend Gord re-informed me that He has a video of me dancing.. Yes. Yes, you do.. i remember now. He told me to dance like no one is watching & then I did.

I was also informed that I managed to slam my purse down for emphasis on a point but all the while that I kept bitching out my poor victim, I picked it daintily up & continued on my way. Five bucks says I put lip gloss on too.

I was remiss to find out the one person I made an ass of myself too, bitched out & completley aliented will not disappear off the face of the earth as I first hoped.. NO! he gets to be the life long friend of Special K's fiancé. THIS is not good. In fact, THIS is the opposite of good. THIS is bad.

Yes, the fiancé and Dutch friend grew up in Calgary & both live here now with Dutch friend being the latest transplant only have moved here in November. Am so looking forward to THAT wedding now and it ain't just for the seafoam green dress that she promised I get to wear.

Jennifer #501 (i know that many), was trying to run interference on me all night but my classic answer was "I know what I'm doing... "

right. You do, if your goal was to have someone tell you that they despise you.

Never been told that before & I can safely say that is a strong word & that hasn't sat well with me all week.. Despise... just say that out loud.... Despise.. wow.. harsh.

So my week of wallowing is up and I'm faced with another weekend of general shenanigans & tom foolery course I won't use those words as I'm not THAT big of a geek.. but I'll see you on the flip side.. maybe something good will come from this weekend and I can put that smile back on my face... ``

2007-06-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

Why I like working at home #5 Ithe part where I'm going squirrly is over ruling the part that i like at the moment so thre are only 5)

I just moved my computer out to my patio and am tanning while I pick away at my work...

course this whole thing would be best at the beach but what are you gonna do?

i just gotta figure out a place for my mouse.

Fake it Forward

2007-05-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

I will admit that I've been neglecting this blog and part of it is due the fact that I'm pretty busy with work, part of it is that I haven't had anything I've really wanted to divulge and a giant chunk of it is that I'm addicted to facebook for reasons like this email I received yesterday.

SUBJECT: I recogize your name as though it were my very own....

I just wanted to write you a quick note to thank you for providing me with some of the most memorable 4 years of my clubbing career. haha "clubbing career" by the way. You likely don't remember me but when Special K was dating my brother *insert name*, you were kind enough to pass on your expired driver's license to his younger sister (me) via Special K and I treated that thing like it was the GOLDEN TICKET from age 15 to 18! haha Isn't it a little strange to think that someone spent 4 years posing as you when going to bars? You were like my alter ego - haha just kidding. Anyway, thanks Leanne - hope all is well. :)

I myself had my own fake ID and just felt handing my expired one out was a right of passage...

Life After...

2007-05-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm happy to report I'm back to boning up on my daytime TV. I'm not happy to report that the self loathing that took place all weekend just pours over onto my weekdays as the lack of conversation leaves me trapped within my thoughts. (although, I never talked to anyone before, I just msn'd so it's really not that different)

HOWEVER.. I have been watching the view... and I've liked it... I'm all over the Rosie/Elizabeth fight.

I don't know about you but I think that's a blatant cry for help if I've ever heard one.

It's not that bad. I just like traffic accidents what can I say.

DISNEYLAND.... THEN & NOW...

2007-05-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

Disneyland circa 1978... Me & my brother. I'm cute with my bonnet.
He's something I just can't figure out what that is.

Disneyland circa 2007: Me & my 3 girlfriends. No more bonnet
and have slightly outgrown the mouse.

Disneyland circa 1978: my bro & I with Pinnochio. I see that my brother is donning the same lame hat. I myself am sporting a smart pantsuit.... note the bowl cut. Was a cooler day obviously.

Disneyland circa 2007: Overjoyed with the Mouse. Watson donning the magician's hat.

Suze casting her magical powers over the mouse.

Disneyland circa 1978: I had a real fetish of grabbing the character's noses. I distinctly remember Goofy chastising me for doing so (he wagged his finger!!!).
Happiest place on earth my ass! Dig my pantsuit.

Disneyland circa 2007: Mickey caught wind of my fetish and obligingly agreed to the photo op.. ok so it was the mouse's idea .. Hey why not? I pretty much only wanted this photo for the purpose of this entry... (my life has become sad).

I may be showing this photo again but this photo shows our shoes.
You see, in 1978, I donned a smart pantuit & comfortable shoes. In 2007, I wore Capri pants (was cold) and mofo sandals!!! Yes, they're cute but they had a weird bump in the arch that by around 6pm resulted in a annoyance by 8pm, kinda hurt. By 10pm I was in downright pain & after we had sat for an hour, they swelled flat. It took me a good 12 hours before I could walk again properly. At least in the Magic Kingdom, it's clean enough to take off your shoes and feel safe walking around..... In West Hollywood, not so much. I was wimpering in pain but whenever Watson would look back to see if I was doing ok, I'd flash a smile & then go back to cursing under my breath**

However, we did spend some time going through Mickey & Minnie's houses. In doing so, you are ushered through to the Mickey's viewing room where you can have the photo op. We came in with a couple of families and each child proceeded to go up to Mickey with open arms & give him a giant hug, have their photo taken, have their books signed & are ushered out. WE on the other hand posed for what seemed 10 photos took turns hugging the mouse, clowing around & basically monopolizing his time as they weren't letting anyone else into the room until we left. I don't know if we should be ashamed for carrying on so much or for the fact that it made so entirely happy. Nonetheless, in order for me to sleep well tonight, I'm going to think that the person inside was fun & not some pervy man getting umpteen photos with the 30 something ladies.. we are 30 aren't we? I mean, I can't tell by the way we each walked up with open arms & hugged the mouse exclaiming we loved him... ok, so that was just me. BUT it's MICKEY!

Just for fun, here are a couple more photos from that day.

In front of Sleeping Beauty's Castle. I'm standing on a block, that's why I'm so much more incredibly taller then my friends... ok, fine, you got me... I'm a freak... I know this because I also have a gigantic smile. If Watson's not careful, I may eat her head.

Here's our picture on a roller coaster called: California Dreamin' which I think has to be the best ride EVER... what makes it so good is the 0-something really high in like 2 seconds you have in the beginning.... in other words that make sense.. you have a shot gun start that propels you up the slope as opposed to being pulled up. Probably an elastic band type release that gets you going... but so much fun. We would have ridden that twice but we had to go drink wine (cuze we never do that)... but no. You can now drink wine in California Disney (not the magic kingdom).... all quite loverly.

**Cursing in Disneyland: While I was standing in line for the Jungle Cruise, I took five minutes away from letching the hot dad to survey the public letting my eye dart from one obese american to obese american (Seriously, I never really believed the epidemic until I spent a day there.... all I can say is .... Wow and am I allowed to have a side bar in my sidebar?). Anyways, as my eyes are darting around (loved that description), I could have sworn that I saw Sam walk past the ride. If not her, it is her identical twin. Now, for those of you NOT familiar with the Jungle Cruise. It's one of the old school hokey rides & it lends itslef to being a 'family' ride. So needless to say me yelling out "HOLY F**K!" PROBABLY wasn't the best course of action. A quick chastising by my friends was followed and the line moved on. I never was able to find out if it was her as I really have no idea where in the world she is.. she really could be anywhere. When she left to report back to London in Jan, she didn't know where she was going to be stationed. I tried talking myself out of it.. I mean who works for Disney cruises and then on their day off goes to Disneyland.. It really does seem wrong... So on that note, I went back to letching the hot dad. We couldn't figure out if he had 2 wives but we did realize he had 4 children. Man may be hot but he's fertile.. Note to self: stay away.

2nd Chance

2007-05-24T11:16:00.001-07:00

Here's my piece of advice for you all.... never give someone a second chance as they haven't changed & probably will burn you in the exact same way the did the first time.

How Suze Got Her Groove Back...

2007-05-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

First you get four girls. One of which that is married with a child and stick them on a plane to LA for the weekend. You give them booze, you give them a pool & you give them access to the bar... sound familiar? Probably because I was telling most of you about it leading up to this past weekend.

Here's a question you can ponder. If your waiter suggests two bars you can go to. One that is up the road, quite fun & full of guys or this other martini bar where "there probably won't be any guys that would ask you to marry them"... what would you think? I piped in with the question: Cuz the guys in the first one are looking for wives? (see answer below)

The weekend was definately fun. There are definately our share of photos. Mostly because Saturday night consisted of Suze & friend taking picture after picture after picture... If that's how you pick up girls... well, good job cuz it worked.

Yes Saturday morning saw us haul our asses out of bed at the ripe time of 415 AM! (yes, AM people.. not the afternoon AM.. I don't get up at that hour.. I go HOME at that hour). I was panicking all weekend about my ear as it never really cleared. I candled, I sprayed, I took antibiotics. So Saturday morning I loaded my body with the above, plus gravol & ibuprofen. I was a walking pharmacy of prescription/over the counter drugs. I thought if I knocked myself out on the plane, I would be ok... and I would have slept if the talking twins wern't so chatty but seeing as they started their day by double spiking their coffees at 6am & ordering drinks on the plane, it's a lot to ask from people to be quiet.

Anyways, we got to the hotel by 10 am and well, I was underwhelmed. It was cloudy & not too hot which was putting a damper into my pool plan*

*POOL PLAN: wearing bathing suit, lying on lounge, sipping drink and rolling over ...... repeat. Fill drink as needed.

So we dropped our stuff off in the room and did the walk down the boulevard which would be cool if I cared about stuff like that... but I don't... Kodak Theatre, Walk of Fame, Chinese Theatre.. Tacky impersonators... yup, it's all there..AnnnnnnnnnnD Lucky Liquor! woo hoo... Love a store that sells those tiny mini bottles of booze for $1.99 each right next to a bowl of apples. Once the sun burned through that tiny layer of smog it made my drinks by the poolside that much more pretty!

and Oh, did we drink?... no, Did we? I can't really remember. I know I bought beer and I know that i didn't have any left on Sunday but seeing it's about 1.5% alcohol, that there is no way I could get drunk off that and I didn't... it was the shooters.

OH Tequila has reared it's ugly head at me my friends..... it's reared it's ugly head and well, it wasn't pretty. Later on saturday night, tequila was brought to the table & well, I needed a moment. I put it back of course but the question of whether or not it would stay back was touch and go there for a bit. I balled up my fist, I clenched my jaw & I punched through to the other side & was able to enjoy the many other 'fruity' shooters & my vodka martinis... yes.... gooooooood times.

It wasn't any of the girls that bought those shooters... They're not that mean (ok, so Suze is but at that time of the night it really did seem like a good idea). No, it was the table of guys we befriended.. and how did they befriend us? One guy asked if he could take my picture with his friend. GOD I'm so easy ... TO APPROACH..

Jammer may have told me, I'm not slutty..... I'm 'approachable' but that really was the case that night. Bell, & Watson had bid us adieu and went back to the hotel. Suze & I got our drink on & were determined to punch through to at least midnight as we were a tich exhausted not just from the afternoon of sun drinking but that 4am wake up call can put quite the damper on your abilities.

Turns out it was dude's birthday... so we stayed and shared a few libations. Suze held court & showed us not only her pouting face (see below) but how to prevent a pregnent lady from giving early birth with the "DON'T PUSH" hands (she's a neo-natal nurse and it just made sense to randomly yell out "DON'T PUSH" and position your hands a such at any given moment)

So once Suze got her groove back with *cough* a 23 year old (yea, I outted you... half your age plus 7 is 24.5 soooo.... ooops, what happened there? It's ok, just ask me about my 30th birthday...) He was über fun though.. mostly it was his hair. He will forever be known to me as Chia Jim as he had Will Ferrell kind of hair. You know the kind where it is tightly curled & has grown a good 2 inches out & is becoming a nice fro? Yes, that. So naturally it was neccessary for me to run my fingers through his hair & pull... He however, didn't see it that way so we did another shooter.

How we ended up at the Red Rock is a story in itself. After our waiter at dinner recommended a good place for martinis & gave us some direction, we set off. However, when we turned the corner, the street looked a little sketchy so we decided to go into the bar for a drink. We thought we'd have a drink, ask about Abby's & continue. Except our waitress hadn't heard of Abby's and that was the 2nd time that day that we had been recomended a place & people were unfamiliar with it so we were starting to wonder what the hell is up with LA.

Our waitress came by a little later to check on our drinks etc & informed us that she had asked around about the martini place, Abbys.... Yes, we found out why men wouldn't propose to us there....... it's a gay bar. Now don't lie to me, you thought that it meant that guys were just looking to get laid didn't you? WHICH could be very true but it just so happens that's it's with other guys....

Me & Watson. You can start to see my tan lines... which brings up my new nick name: Random Tan. I may look like I took lotion application 101 from Shaloa but I didnt put on any lotion and yet I still randomly burnt myself on my legs & stomache...

Bell & Suze... This is dinner BEFORE the shooters... See how we still smile?

Working out Chia Jim's hair.

Don't know what was up. Chia Jim looks on.

So stick out your tongues.

In fact, let me do that too. Woo! I look naked

Candling

2007-05-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

So in attempts to make my ear better before I fly, I tried Ear Candling which has been around for centuries. I believe the egyptians used to also partake in this remedy.

It's not that big of a deal. You buy the special candles place them in your ear, ignite them & let them burn down. Someone has to administer this to you as you are lying there & someone needs to ensure you don't catch fire.

But it's after when you snuff it out & open up the remaining candle & look at what's there... THAT's the gross yet interesting part. I know what you're all thinking.. ewwwww. All of the sudden you're all prissy but we did this in my hairdressers salon yesterday & I kid you not, not one person did NOT come & take a peek. Even the workmen passing by wanted to see what resulted... Course these are all people that pick their noses & inspect them after.

Who Loves Me??

2007-05-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

So I had flowers delivered to me this morning. Course it would have been more of a surprise if the florist hadn't phoned me yesterday to confirm my address... But I was pleased none the less and I gotta say, they really do cheer me up which was the whole point of the delivery.

I may have not been surprised that I was receiving the flowers but once I read the note, I fell off my chair laughing...... you see, each time I spoke with someone from this florist it sounded what would be an older asian man so when I finally read the note that finished with "You're one tough & determined Bee-yotch" I was oh so hoping that was phoned in as I wanted to be a fly on the wall to witness THAT dictation. Seriously.... comedy gold.

Love you schnookums!!!!!

P.S. I don't care what you say, anyone who uses nasal spray is HAWT! I feel like a super star after each spray.

What You Don't Want to Hear...

2007-05-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

Ever have your doctor look at you and exclaim "Ew!" followed by "Well, that's not very good..."

My ear horrifes people. At least I'm justified in tearing up whenever I get the shooting pain through my head.

This past week has sucked.

Icing on a Perfect Day....

2007-05-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't call Friday a stellar day. Wasn't a horrible one but wasn't stellar either... So after managing to not completely freak out (the beer, the crown, the martinis, and the shooters helped), I went out for the C-Hatch & Drunk Lawyer's 30th birthdays (apparently calling C-Hatch Ma'am was only funny to me). Fun shenanigans were had by all.... Drunk Lawyer & I even got into our play fighting mode yet again....

Except I have a feeling I won this time... course it would help if I could remember.

And there's my impression of a Ninja... Hawt!

I don't know what time it was but I was convinced by Capt'n Jess & K-Dog to meet up with them at the Roxy... WHY WHY WHY WHY do I go there? Did I not vow that I would NEVER step foot in that place again? Do I NOT have one bad incident after one bad incident?

Well, 3rd time's a charm & I'm out one credit card & am down several hundred dollars..... good times. I like the part where I'm trying to explain to investigations that I don't own a car and therefore wouldn't be buying gas.

How was YOUR weekend?

The Falling Down Prophecies

2007-05-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

So Saturday I went out for my friend's birthday BBQ/Softball Tournament. Because we were at Douglas Park, we had to bring our own folding chair. I grabbed the one that I acquired one year for Houseboating. It's small, I bought it at Superstore and was about 5 dollars. The thing is a five dollar chair looks like a five dollar chair and what does that look like you ask? Well, let me tell you.... It's small.. It's one of those really low ones to the ground that are ideal for the beach as you can bury it into the sand & lounge quite nicely with a back rest.

So when I arrived at the park, I got a couple of jabs about the chair. More specifically I was asked if the chair was for my children. I take the abuse and add to the fodder by stating "Hey, I like this chair because I don't have far to fall... "

Not ten minutes later, there I was sprawled out on the blanket next to me with my beer everywhere & a giggling Loucamotive in the background.

Yes, we are sitting just behind the foul line so as the guys kept practicing hitting the occasional stray ball would come flying. I was talking on the phone when I saw a ball get lopped over the fence & I frantically screamed out "Watch out! Watch out!" except, I don't move. No, with one hand up to my ear, & one hand holding my beer, I manage to lean to get out of the way. (Cuz the ball would see that and not hit me?) Except it looked like it was coming at me and so I had to lean further and further as the low lying chair is quite difficult to get out of & yea well, gravity won. At least I was right... I didn't have far to fall.

Not My Best Moment....

2007-05-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

So when the hot guy from the 7th floor gets on the elevator with you, do you chat him up, share pleasantries and even possibly flirt or do you do what I do and stare at your feet?

Yea, I'm smoothe. I've talked to this guy before which makes the situation even better. I had orginally met him a few months back in the gym, and have seen him from time to time around the building... sometimes with a girl, sometimes without but nothing really to get your feathers ruffled up about. I've seen twice this past week. Last week, I passed him as I was getting onto the elevator & managed to get in a quick hello.... He looked good. I looked good. There was no reason why a meeting of the mind couldn't happen and then again last night.

Except last night, I just came home from Drunk Lawyer's Potluck (not latch as some people were confused about .... potluck) and was fresh from the dewy outside so had a runny nose, which was just added to by my incessant staring. I have no idea what compelled me to act like a gomer but let me tell you, when you want, it can take FOREVER to tie up your umbrella. So every time he glanced over & tried to say something I found another reason to seem inept.

Just to make an awkward situation even more weird, I told him to have a good night as he got off (I mean, I don't want to seem impolite). I really hope I don't see him again as that was probably the lamest thing ever but at least I know the answer to the question "Who do think you'll see"..... dude on the 7th floor... that's who.

As for the rest of my weekend. It was pretty mellow. Tried to get my Cinqo de Mayo on Saturday night. Had a couple of girls over & broke out the blender. To my joy, no hangover to speak of at kickboxing Sunday morning. To not my joy today, I'm in searing pain. I have no idea what I did to my ass. I need to meet an ass-master of sorts who can work out those knots.

I also learned that Ron Burgundy is a real person or at least based on a real person and I'm about 2 degrees away from him. It is my new life's mission to meet this beautiful man & really learn what it is to be classy because really, everyone should have a mentor.

Mr T

2007-05-04T17:21:00.001-07:00

No words can describe what you're about to see.... thank you BFF for the tip

Just a Typical Day...

2007-05-02T10:57:00.001-07:00

So this weekend I took it easy (well, easy for me... still crazy for others) but I opted to stay local over going to Pender Island for the annual Pender Bender for several reasons. One of which is that title alone. After the month I had, my liver needs a break! and I need to sleep. I may have said Leanne doesn't sleep but that's a fabrication. I do. I need a lot of it and frankly it is one of my most favourite activities (Well, aside from other things that happen in that venue).

So I slept Friday, and pretty well too... and in... slept in til almost 10! Very Exciting..... and it was also sunny! Another reason I didn't head to Pender... thought it was going to be rainy. So when I saw that it was a brilliant day, I phoned up Nanz & convinced her to go outside & play. So off we took for what was a 4 hour walk (My legs fell off when I got home. Have new ones now. They're quite lovely).

So along false creek we walked.... all the way to Kits beach which as it turns out was a feast for the eyes. It was nice out yes.... bikini weather? No. However, without fail, as soon as it's sunny, there is always one not so attractive man sporting a banana hammock on a grassy knoll.

However, here are some pics I took with my Krzr from the beach that day.

I don't konw why people drink or do drugs. Seriously sitting on that log, people watching was entertainment enough. First off we have the urban hippies. You know those types. They grew up in West Van, never really have worked as they don't need to but dress like crap & try to keep it real by playing bongos & listening to Bob Marley (ok, maybe you don't know the type but that's who was to the right of the people on the empty log). Yea, a threesome of guys copped a squat in front of that log. Two of them ripped their shirts off.. why? I don't know. I suppose it was only to achieve loads of attention. If that didn't work, they had their mini speakers & bongos to play. I know it doesn't sound all that bad at this point but one decided to lay flat on his back and then pitched what appeared to be a massive tent.... Nanz points this out to me and unfortunately we couldn't stop staring. I would like to think that it was perhaps just the way the jeans fell and that it wasn't the case at all.... but do guys tell eachother those things? do you bring it up?

Side Bar: I remember one time I was at Kits, playing boccé with Porridge and there was a lone guy that was napping in the distance. Unfortunately for him, his neon shorts did pitch quite the tent and luckily for us, I won the round. Out goes the marker ball.... right over said sleeping guy. So there we are playing boccé over the lone camper when he finally did stir.... I love that we looked around & pretended that we just happen to be standing there. Nevermind the fact that we're holding balls in our hands..... Yea, So much for subtle.

ANYWAYS... the camping trio was later met by another couple of guys which REALLY excited one of the shirtless ones who was more of the pretty boy of the group too... He frantically waved his arms about & jumped up to run at his friends. You'd think he was about to tackle them but instead does this fake dive in front of their feet... and everyone laughs. Seriously, it so looked like some bad 70's summer movie where everyone is just happy go lucky and then put on their coppertone to get that even tan. Not to be outdone, pretty boy doesn't run, doesn't walk but frolics back to the blanket as he is apparently REALLY excited... and by frolic I mean this weird skippy thing followed by a dive sommersault, hops up & then plops down on his ass.
(I'm not kidding).

It's about this time, that Nanz noticed that the third guy sees us laughing at them and is looking uncomfortable & shifty. Dude, your friends are lame, you should be uncomfortable & shifty for more then just the fact that we're laughing at you. Who frolics?

So needless to say, we decide that maybe we shouldn't stare at them anymore and start looking around as there were plenty of other interesting types around. For example the couple that sat behind us building sand castles with tons of toys but no children in sight. What was good too was that they were just sitting on the log not talking to each other. Seemed like such a scene from Napoleon Dynamite.

Then there was my favourite...... Mr. Beach.

I was pretending to be taking more pictures of Nanz so I couldn't get in very close but let me paint this picture for you. He's wearing a Rolling Stones T-Shirt, he's drinking a can of Kokanee (BC Beer for all of you that are unaware), and rocking it out to his ghetto blaster... to what? you ask... No, it's not the Stones, not Zepplin... Not even Queen..... No, he's listening to Laura Branigan "Self Control".

Yea............................. awesome.

Course we had that song in our head for the remainder of the day & couldn't stop singing it.

Then the rest of the weekend was filled out with drinking & general shenanigans but we didn't photograph THOSE events... oh & here is Nanz not keen on me taking pics of her:

Upon further inspection in this photo... there is a child in the back building castles in the sand.

Odds'n'Ends

2007-04-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

This is from the infamous Night I lost my keys... looking at the expression on my face, I'm just as surprised as you are that, that could happen... I mean ME.. lose my keys?? never would have thought. Tina looks kinda sauced too.

and yes, it's what you see.... I still don't understand how that happened. And although I'm wearing the same thing. This is from a different night from me losing keys.

Why am I voluntarily posting bad photos of myself... let's fixt that shall we?

Little girls night out.... crazy cleavage club we got going on there and people say girls love attention... I don't believe it.

Me & Brutal after the Wine festival.... at least we're smiling...

I have no idea what I'm doing with my mouth here. I think I'm trying different ways to smile. Thanks D for making this a cute pic. Sorry Bell for posting this.

It's about here where I gave up smiling & just started making faces. That's the infamous Jammer with me.

Me & Tito. I'm sunburnt after one afternoon in the sun. Day after wine fest. Tito just came back from Canucks game with Jammer. Don't know why he's smiling we're hung, the Canucks lost & Jammer is waving her Flames jersey in our faces.

You get what you put out there...

2007-04-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

I've tossed & turned on this one.... but I'm not above slinging sh*t about someone else. Especially when that someone is whom I so loving refer to as Trainwreck. Yes, he's back... and in a big way.

Friday, my boss decided that in the afternoon, it would be a great time to have a mandatory meeting to discuss the strategy of the company. So me & my hung over ass sat there til 5pm listening to the yada yada of the company. (Was out til 4am the night before at my auction... The afternoon couldn't go fast enough!)

During a break, I see that I have a voice message from Trainwreck pleading with me to call him as he has something super important to ask me. The worst flies through my head. I won't go on here what I thought he could be asking me but with a little hesistation, I ring him back.

"Hey Leanne, thanks for phoning me. I'm just wondering... "

pause for dramatic effect.

"are you leaving nasty comments about me on Craigslist?"

Ok, I'm sorry, can you say that into my good ear? Are you f'n kidding me? I didn't say that to him although, I should have. I just said no, I'm not 14 and then he tried to go on to explain what was going on and well, I just don't have the time or patience for it, so I hung up.

What really got me at that point was that I couldn't get over how self centered this person must be to think that I care enough about him to go & write crap about him on craigslist?? Come on! I save that stuff for my blog, thank-you.

Anyways, needless to say, the curiousity got the better of me so later that night, after telling Brutal the story we went on craigslist to find this thread of hate. I started in 'rants & raves'. There was a little reference of him there but it pointed to 'missed connections' and they're using his name so it was easy to find the 20 posts!! There are A LOT of pissed off ladies in this city ladies & gentlemen. I'm sorry but I laughed my ass off. Apparently, they met for breakfast on Saturday. I texted him to let him know that I found the thread & that's why I keep my distance for him. He replied back with some crap about it being some bitter person. I felt it was moot to point out that he created his own Sh*t storm. Instead I told him I found it really funny... and said the same thing to him again on Sunday... and just today texted that I was still laughing... It's pretty juvenile on my part but after the crap he rolled me through, I'm glad some of it has been slung back in his face.

That's that.

The Soundtrack to My Life...

2007-04-28T12:02:00.002-07:00

Because of my hectic week, I've been neglecting my Facebook time. One of my 'friends' posted this game which I thought was kinda funny....

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your music library.
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. According to this rule, you can't lie.

Opening Credits:
Get Ready For This - 2 Unlimited (I smell a Cheerleader's Life)

Waking up:
Weight of the World - Blue October

First Day at High school:
Sweet Child O'Mine - G'n'R (I THINK that really happened)

Falling In Love:
Try a Little Tenderness - Michael Bubblé

Fight Song:
Hurts So Good - John Mellencamp (well, I am ironic)

Breaking Up:
Long Time Gone - Dixie Chicks (good riddance!!)

Prom:
When I'm Gone - 3 Doors Down (picturing the slow dance scene right now... "I like your sleeves")

Life:
Start Me Up - Rolling Stones

Mental Breakdown:
Been A Long Time Since I Rock & Rolled - Led Zepplin (good drum beat for a crazy person)

Driving:
Hannakah Song - Adam Sandler (of course)

Flashback:
We Built This City on Rock & Roll - Starship (pretty appropriate)

Getting Back Together:
Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Wedding:
Ain't Too Proud to Beg - TLC (LMAO!!!!)

Birth of Child:
Pick Up the Pieces - Average White Band

Final Battle:
Knocking on Heavens Door - GNR

Death Scene:
If My Heart Had Wings - Faith Hill

Funeral Song:
Lemon - U2 (awesome)

End Credit:
Fly Away - Lenny Kravitz (annnnnd scene)

2007-04-27T11:20:00.001-07:00

my feet hurt too.

2007-04-27T11:15:00.001-07:00

my head hurts.

What You Want Me To Know...

2007-04-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

I live in a high rise in downtown Vancouver on the 17th floor (gorgeous view). So needless to say, I see familiar faces on a regular basis in my elevator. One such person is a man that lives the floor below me. He owns a bull dog that I happen to adore as I think bull dogs are the cutest things in the entire world. I love that they look all squished in & you can hear them breathing a block away... anyways, not the point. In recent weeks, I've seen him a few times and always with dog in tow. Sometimes going out for the walk (on occasion carrying the dog, bull dogs do get bad arthritis), coming in etc or just passing in the lobby. Every time however the dog either sniffs me or breathes in my general direction.

Finally last night, we both get on the elevator to go up. After a couple of floors, he asks me (never having really spoken to each other before, with the exception of hello), "What do you do?" (in some sort of accent) I figure he's asking me as I always look like I just got out of bed.

"I'm an Art Director" I say.

floor 6....
floor 7...

"I own a bakery in Vegas"

OK.... and here's your floor.

I still haven't figured out why he really wanted to tell me that. After I mentioned that I was just there visiting friends, he informed me where his house was which I couldn't relay at this point. His accent muddled his speech. What I would like to know is, who winters in Vancouver? Is he mad? Vegas does dip down but it sure a hell of a lot better then this crap we just went through.

You Think You Know Someone...

2007-04-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

I have many friends... Some new, some quite old (in terms of the friendships. Don't get your panties in a knot). Nanz is one of my oldest friends having met her on the first day of grade 3 and have managed to remain close over these past 23 years.

Princess Nalini and her entire family have been dear to me for quite some time. One person in that clan is her cousin, Tulip. Tulip is a couple of years older then us & has served as both a friend and a big sister to not only Nalini but to me as well. I've looked up to her. She's always had a good head on her shoulders and a strong sense of self that I truly respect and admire. So you could imagine the horror I faced when she tried to set me on fire.

Yes, my friends have reached new heights. No longer are the random punches to the head, the tackles or facewashes... we've added FIRE!!!!

Let me take you back to a place I like to call Whistler. A nice little ski resort community nestled one and a half hours north of Vancouver and host to the 2010 Winter Games. Conveniently close enough for a weekend get away but conveniently far enough away to let the debauchery unfold.

Cut to Saturday morning. Princess Nalini, her boyfriend, VW, and BFF flew into Vancouver the night before. Never having been to Canada let alone Vancouver before, we thought it best to take VW and BFF up to Whistler and show them how great things really are up here. Lucky for us Telus was on that weekend & I can honestly say that I've never seen Whistler as busy as it was. GONG SHOW can not even begin to describe it.

VW and I managed to scrounge up a seat at Longhorn to watch the Canucks lose game 6 (Won game 7 though!!!! Told you).

Seeing as we just sat down & it is 3pm there is nothing better then to do then a round of shots followed by MANY pitchers of beer. The rest of the group joined us (Tulip & Rosh aka the Drunkenator in tow) only to imbibe in MORE shooters and MORE Beer. As we were bringing ourselves one step closer to cirrhosis, Tulip informed us that there is a party in room 214 at 2 am.. EXCELLENT, the dance-off was scheduled and I was the star dancer (Insert jazz hands).

Turns out VW can't keep up with Canadian girls. We sent his ass back to the condo around 8pm. Not pleased with the puke that speckled our room, we proceeded to draw all over him with make up & take photos (Post TBD). If you're going to drink with the Canadian girls... you gotta keep it in your mouth like Canadian Girls .. WAIT.. that sounds dirty.... swallow with the Canadian girls.. NO, not that either.... Oh forget it. They're my friends, I'm sure they have some sort of past.

As we were locked out of room for post puke clean-up, we couldn't help but notice the police pay a visit to our floor.. more specifically to room 214. Yes, our little party room was getting shut down. Apparently the hotel frowns up on you running around naked high on acid, screaming at the top of your lungs.

Here I thought he was into me.. turns out I still have no radar. Oh well, there were plenty of 26 year olds to go around. Don't have to go for the overly aggressive, naked one EVERY time do I? At 2am his friends were out a room and still didn't know where he was. I really hope that guy isn't lodged up in a cave somewhere adopted by some momma grizzly forever known as 'cub'.

If you're wondering what this has to do with setting me on fire, the answer is nothing. It's still only about 9pm at this point. Once we were allowed back in the room, we just chilled out, drew on VW, got our drink on (MORE drink on is a better way to say it) stole items from the hotel and got ready.

Seeing as it was the busiest time of year in Whistler, there was NO WAY we were getting into the usual haunts (Bills , Garfs). At 10pm there were mega packs of people lined up and the village was a chaos of drunken types making their way from one patio to another. Which is why we skipped dinner and went straight for Citta's patio (pronounced Cheeta). On that menu that night was Tulip & the Drunkenator...

Oh yea, the bartender took a fancy to them... that is after I dropped 50 on a round of drinks for everyone (doh!). It wasn't the gong show I normally crave. No one was paying attn to me! So I declared I was bored & tired (to my credit, I have been drinking since 11am). Not to let me go down in defeat, the drunkenator decided to test a hypothesis on me. "If you just drink tons, you'll have way more fun" so in pops a jagr bomb & a double gin and seven... hypothesis proven correct. I did have more fun. It's also about this time I started getting really good ideas & well, let's just say until I do see that video on Youtube.com, I'm not sharing what happened after that.

Seeing as we missed dinner, Tulip was craving meat... literally. That's all she could talk about... "Where's my steak?" "I'm hungry" "I could really eat some meat" "Why didn't we have dinner" " Where's the beef?".

So we gathered ourselves, paid for the one drink & decided to get food. On the ride up, we're sharing stories from parties past... who knew my saying that I've never seen Tulip hammered would serve as foreshadowing. Because, when I was walking through the village and I happened to quickly snap around, there is Tulip at the base of my coat holding a lighter snickering quite snidely. It's here when I saw her inner crazy.

So I tell her to NOT set fire to me. Apparently she wasn't trying to set fire to me so much as set fire to my jacket... yes, much better. I'm sorry that my coat was longer then everyone else's & it seemed to bother you. As I was taking her lighters away from her, she also divulged that in school she set fire to her desk... awesome.

I think I'd rather be punched in the head & I really never thought I'd utter that sentence.

What Do You Want For Christmas?

2007-04-24T11:40:00.001-07:00

All Work & No Sleep Make Leanne.......

2007-04-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

CRAZY... my god! I'm a freakin' zoo. Not only do I not feel like myself (the bubbly, effervescent, blonde bombshell that I am.... ) instead I'm moody, I'm sensitive, I'm impatient and I'm angry. Yea, I didn't buy that either... I'm pretty normal but I yawn more & forget......................

words I want to use.

I have had troubles sleeping since I had my cold last week and I think my anxiety and stress are just starting to compound it.

Every night I have been waking up at the same time between 3:30 am to 3:45 am and then I'm hop out of bed, start your day, wide awake. No matter what time I go to bed, no matter how exhausted when my head finally hits my pillow, couch, floor, table, what have you... I wake up at the same time. When I decided to rebuff the familiar and go to bed AT 330... I just turn around and pop up at 7 am (Why I left Penticton so early). My body is working on four hours of sleep a night and it ain't gud.

I did wake Monday & Tuesday night at 330 and managed to drift back off however, like clockwork, my eyes pop open. I feel like I'm in some mild version of Groundhog Day written by Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation) where I'm trying to come to grips with some alternate reality and I just sit listlessly at night staring at the empty programming TV has to offer in the wee hours... before you know it, I'm part of that show & my reality turns into these episodes and eventually am unable to differentiate between TV and reality. One moment I'm stuck in a cyclical tirade of infomercials. Next scene I'm on a date with Zack Morris. Either way I lose. I hated Zack Morris and don't get me wrong, I would not have gone for Slater either. A man in acid wash jeans & a tank top does NOT do it for me. (I know this because that is what he was wearing this morning as I was watching)

Another running theory I've been playing with is whether or not the fact I was born at 330am has anything to do with this recurring blip but it sure is serving as a weird coinky-dink. (HEY, you lie awake for hours and see what thoughts that flow through your mind).

Either way, I don't know why I'm waking up at the same time. I don't know if my body is becoming programmed. Don't know I'm having a recurring dream that startles me awake as I don't remember anything and normally I DO remember my wonked out surreal dreams (THAT is for another post another time). Perhaps I'm just so stressed & anxiety ridden that I can't relax as I do feel plagued with the same recurring thoughts as I lay there.

So thank you for your different suggestions... Yes, gravol is effective and not addictive like sleeping pills. Then of course, there has been the more holistic approach suggested by some where I just need to "release" my tension. Yes, that thought has crossed my mind............... but it just seems like it's one more thing to do and really, enough already, I just want to roll over & go to sleep.

Isn't THIS Weird?

2007-04-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

I dated someone off & on for seven years (not the weird part) but it has been over for quite some time and he even has met someone & planning on marrying her at the end of June.

We may not have ended amicably, but did manage to scrape together some form of a friendship. (If I recall, to end our not speaking for four months, I walked over to him at a birthday party & punched him in the arm. Apparently, I'm 4.)

Anyways, I was chatting with him today online and he mentioned that he considered me to design his wedding invitations............ Now is it me or is that wrong?????

I know we get along. I know we call eachother friends but isn't there a line? I don't know if I were in a loving, committed relationship it would be different... Nope.. no it wouldn't.

I think there are just some things that you don't ask your ex and designing your wedding invitations is just one of them. I could just see them now. Knowing me, I'd probably put in a subliminal "Shiraz sucks goats" somewhere in the invite seeing as he'd want me to do all the design for him for free but then turn around and not invite me... you know cuz we're such good friends.

Right.

Is Sexy Time...

2007-04-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

Been working hard on this my friends (not the design. Those props go to Stine & her fabulous design skills.) No, I've been concentrating on rounding up the victims .. ER.. I mean dates (I keep saying that!). Make it out next Thursday & see the action go down!!

I'll have bells on... I swear!

Odds'n'Ends

2007-04-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

Could say I've been busy at work today... that is, I could as I am busy and I am at work.... just so happens that I'm not doing busy with actual business work.... busy with our upcoming Bachelor/Bachelorette Auction. Rounding up victims errr I mean auctionees to be sold off.

I'm sitting with 9 girls & 8 guys and am still scrambling to find men.. WHERE ARE THEY? I thought this was the species that liked to get laid. Turns out they're picky.. harumph! Women on the other hand have been asking me if they could be sold because they want a reason to dress up.. too too funny.

By the way if you want to see a good time, Come down out next Thursday April 26th. Regular mentions on this blog that will be auctioned of are: Shaloa, Dunner, Karate Girl, and Wine Rep.

If you all recall, I did it last year.

Other boring news: I inspired a radio network to reconsider one of their formats. They were so impressed by my work that it catalyst them to review & reformat... I THINK it's a compliment as I just created 2 months of solid work for myself. Damn me and my creative genius. Careful... who knows where these magic fingers will fall.. perhaps on you??? (yea, you'd be that lucky.. wait, no it'd be me as I've recently been turned down but I'm not out... at least til I say so. Being cryptic.. move along nothing more to read here).

In material items, this just in.... my new KRZR from motorola! yea yea! I received a free phone because I write this cozy little blog. This is where I insert your massive jealousy and hatred because I will say my new phone is cool and only cool people (and by cool people, i mean geeky internet bloggers) get them ... When I finally haul my ass down to Telus & switch from my annoying blackberry to the KRZR, I'll let you know how the phone works out....

I Forgot To Mention...

2007-04-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

So going through all the pictures I did seem to forget about the wrestling/windmill fight outside the fest. It also escaped my mind the 26 year olds we took to Denny's with us. Am starting to think that is my target market as they drive for the hole pretty hard. Aside from being 26, too short & from Edmonton I'd say it was love.

I Spoke Too Soon...

2007-04-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Just as I was lamenting that I didn't show Penticton a good time, Shaloa managed to post her pics on facebook (our new obsession). I may have spoken too soon... You tell me

Me, Tracey & Dark Bunny are starting off strong here....

Starting get the evil eye from Shaloa. I think she is planning her surprise attack on me outside on the grass (forgot about our wrestling match)

Yes, let the gong show begin

We hit Pasta Factory & am trying to prove to Shaloa that I'm not Photogenic

Except we found the hats...

I don't know.

Let the Posing begin...

I know the table behind me was enjoying the show.

work it... work it...

Did I mention I was in a restaurant?

Pimp Shaloa

OMG is that a GOLD HAT????
Group Shot... oooooh Feel it Jenny L. Shaloa, you lookin' fierce

I like how I'm NOW trying to take nice photographs

No longer content with the beer... we hit up the wine at dinner.

Too bad we spilled it all over Dark Bunny... thank God for Tide pens!!

And........ scene.

The Drinker Formally Known as Leanne

2007-04-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

It's week two of the curious smell in my office. I was convinced it was the miscellaneous soup I found & horrified myself with but it's still not gone. Considering the age of the building I work in, I really hope something didn't crawl into the walls & die.

I also direly wish I could sleep. I think I'm on night four of waking at up at an absurd hour. If I'm not going to bed at 330am, I'm waking up at that hour. Let's just say my most productive thing today is blinking.

This past weekend saw me haul my ass up to Penticton for (drum roll please......... )

FEST OF ALE.

Yes yes.. a convention centre filled with beer from all over the region (BC/Alta).... "so good so good so good" as Neil Diamond would say. Don't know which was my favourite. As the end was nearing it just became a varietal blur of barley hops & alcohol which essentially just became a precursor to jagr bombs and other sordid shots. After the fest we hit the town hard (no, I didn't fall.. I've turned a new balanced leaf) After filling up on pasta factory, we got our shooters on at the Talking Parrot only to see us stumble on down to the Mule.

Am happy to report that I no longer need to introduce myself as Leanne but rather Leanimal will suffice. Every person I met would reply with "Oh.... you're Leanimal" including Dark Bunny's mother, Mich's daughter (well, that's another anecdote**) and pretty much any other person I'd happen upon. I do however, feel like I did not live up to the full Leanimal potential and was rather well behaved aside from all the beer & shooters.... Surprisingly enough, I was not hung over yesterday. Perhaps I'm still drunk or perhaps I have to actually have a solid nights sleep before I feel any pain and I'm just prolonging the experience.

** Michelle's daughter is only at most 2 and is just learning to talk. Kids have a hard enough time saying my name as 2 vowels together is difficult to pronounce. My name comes out more like Laan. Anyways, Michelle went around the table asking "Can you say Tracey?" ... Tracey "Can you say Karen?" Karen....

"Can you say Leanimal?" .... Laan-mamal..... OMG. So adorable. I just wanted to squeeze her.

STUFF

2007-04-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted much this week. I suppose I've just been too busy. Hockey playoffs started and with 4 Overtimes in the Vancouver/Dallas game, there doesn't leave a lot of room to sleep, work or write. Additionally, I've been sick so really I've needed to find time to sleep however, with two birthdays this week it has been tough. Yes, I caught a cold on the plane. I'm so succeptable to them in that venue that it's hard to miss. I have to say though, I scheduled my flights perfectly well that when I landed in San Fransisco, I departed, walked across down to my next gate & got onto the plane... NO WAITING and managed to zip through customs and out to a cab in under 10 minutes... I rule and sadly, these are things that excite me.

Waiting is on the top of my pet peeve list next to watching grown men (50 something man, equipped with back pack and white sneakers as if he is a tourist in our fine city) urinate in public which I saw yesterday morning on my way to work right at Cambie & Pacific. I suppose in his defense he was in the bushes but by bushes I mean little shrubs off to the side of the sidewalk. It's not like EVERYONE couldn't see him. He came out & looked around & went on his way as if nothing happened. Didn't make me want to touch the cross walk button let me tell you.

Aside from that, I finally compiled my playoff pool.... currrently standing in 2nd (way to roll after 1 game each.... I can tell they're all worried). The only problem is that you could pick the best players ever and unless your team advances, you could be hooped. Last year for example, I was number 1 going into the finals and I lost.. ME! I DID! (btw... i don't lose.. just don't like it. Don't believe in it ... no room for it) but mostly because all the favourites: Calgary, Detroit, Ottawa got knocked out early on & people with picks like Edmonton ppl (me) went far. Pronger better still hold out well for me.

Other then that, I've been wasting massive amounts of time on facebook. I wasn't going to join. I was going to buck the trend but I finally did succumb by one single nudge from Dunner. Apparently I'm stubborn... but crap.. This thing has sucked me in much like myspace did except on here, the people on my page are actually my friends as opposed to sick perverted 45 year olds from Winnipeg.

Am still trying to decide if I should whip up to Penticton for the night tomorrow.. I'm more yes then no. I'm pretty much ignoring the fact that I've been sick & well.. I've had enough of blowing my nose so I figure it's good to move on. My only problem is that next week is Whistler and I'm wondering if I'm doign TOO MUCH.

Whatever.. it's me... I don't sleep.

Rule of Thumb To Live By...

2007-04-12T09:58:00.000-07:00

When sourcing out the odd smell in the office and you find the curious container in the fridge, listen to your co-worker when they say "don't open it". Because you can be guaranteed an instant gag reflex when you choose not to listen, open the left over soup & take a giant whiff... did I say gag? I mean instant upchuk. I'm still tearing up.

Sleep Tight

2007-04-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

Ever drift off to sleep only to wake an hour or an hour and a half later & not be able to go back to sleep? You lie there awake with a million thoughts rushign through your head but you keep flitting back to how uncomfortable your back is but you are just unable to crack your neck even though it just ACHES and desires to be. The more you lie there, the more you realize how stuffy your room is and the temperature is rising with every passing minute. So you get up to open the window just to see that your apartment is a mess... great one more thing to do tomorrow. You rearrange your pillows & NO .. that's not helping so you roll & you adjust and you adjust & you roll. Just to not only be aching but now you have that itchy feeling in your feet that JUST won't go away. When it's not there, it's in your joints. The back of your knees are tingly and your elbows are warm.... You look at the clock and half an hour has passed & you are now more awake then when you started and you have to be up in five hours. Because of this, now you're angry so you throw a mini tantrum.... Since you're flailing you may as well get up. You don't clean because you unfortunately are too tired to do that so you try & watch TV except at this hour it's informercial mania and the dude who frequents land auctions is one shade of too creepy for you to watch. You flip, you flip and you flip and manage to find a re-run of Becker on tv which happens to be about crazy people and wonder why you're not one of the patients.... Finally, you yawn.... but you've been tired before & look where it got you. So you make a snack... may be that will make you sleepy.....

Ever feel like this? No? well welcome to my FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!!!!

VEGAS......

2007-04-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting on the plane from Phoenix to Vegas kiddy corner to a young family and I think to myself that Vegas isn't a place you take babies but rather it's only a place you make babies....

So after Charlene FINALLY came and met up with us at Red Square, we had ourselves a great dinner and began our nite with martini's a plenty. That's one thing I noticed friday, I was never without a drink except for that time i was sitting at the roulette table...... losing. Mostly because I was listening to the Kelowna boy who insisted that he knew what to bet so when I finally received my $100 beer, that I walked away and let Cheese buy me shooters to the point of blacking out...

For whatever reason, we let him drive and let him hit the side of the car... do I remember this? no... I was passed out. Did I wake up ... no. I did wake up when I thought I was going to be sick, whined about it & then got mad at them for pulling over.... yea, I was a good time. Apparently, I'm also annoying.... I really dont' see what's wrong with me trying to put lipstick on you while you are driving... even if you are a man. I do not know why he hung out with us the next day.

I received a text from K-lo telling me he has a cute photo of me sleeping.... great when did that happen?

Saturday was all about pool.... All IO wanted was a pool and someone to constantly be bringing me drinks. Friday night was all about the Casino & Cheese bringing me drinks and that had to change... Cheese laid down the law

"Stop poking me"
"Stop telling me what to do"
"Stop making me bleed"
"Stop putting make-up on me"
"Stop putting make-up on me while I'm driving"

GOD! some people are soooo high maitenance! Actually, he never said any of those things... well, he really didn't want the make up on but I managed to make a deal that next time I'm there, he will put some on.

Saturday nite found us hitting Caramel at the Bellagio. LOVE LOVE LOVE The Bellagio... just such a pretty hotel. It's also my Dad's favourite although, he stays at the Venetian when he's in town (to me that doesn't make sense.... he's not po). Anyways, from there we hit Lite which was just upstairs. Nalini's BF is friend's with the Manager at Caramel so he walked us upstairs... I make that comment as I normally am not a club goer and wouldn't have gone if I had to A: wait B: pay.

However, it was just what Nalini & I needed. By this point of the night, it was just the two of us. We drank, we danced... we made friends with a stag that had bottles & bottles & bottles of Vodka. Wished I got the contact info of one of the group.... Would have been a good guy to know as he works closely with Apple more specifically iPod and replacing their memory chips.... seeing as my iPod is just over a year old, he'd be a good guy to know......

I think I was deterred when he realized he'd never see me again & whispered into my ear. Either he was going for broke or thought F it.... Either way, I was glad it was dark in there or he would have seen me 8 shades of red but I do agree 5'10 and 6'4 do make a good combo.

Sunday saw me going home.. NOT hung over. I don't know how I did that. All in all a quiet trip by my standards... no falling down, no arrests, no rock stars, no football players, no crazy dudes from NY, no actors, no free money, no shopping, no bleeding..... just sun, drinks & friends... good trip.

Commercials I like....

2007-04-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

I like this commercial because it's the closest thing I have to showing you what gaylord looks like (at least in my head)

I've liked many of the Dairy Queen commericals in recent years (the baby that sacks the dad, the woman that has a sugar rush & runs into the wall). I like this one because it reminds me most of my family. One time my brother locked me in the crawl space & when the door was finally opened both him & my mother were laughing.... yea, I went wrong in so many places...

SURPRISE!!!!! Vegas, part 1

2007-04-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend found me jet setting down to Las Vegas to surprise my friend, Princess Nalini. I had this trip planned for weeks & have been so desperately wanting to write about it but alas a surprise is a surprise. I did almost give myself away a couple of times last week but managed to cover myself up somewhat... That's the beauty of being random. People take your excuses as just that.

I found the best way to get over the fear of flying is to down a couple of beers and have very strong urge to pee... so much so that the women in the aisle across from you is prompted to ask if you are ok....

Yea, I board the plane & kinda had to go but thought I can just wait til the no-seat belt sign is taken off... do we take off right away? no.... no we sit on the tarmac to wait our turn in line. Then we hit turbulence.... can't turn off the sign just yet. I thought I was doing ok. I wasn't wiggling around too too much and that I was staying relatively under control. Was happy to notice that the take off didn't completely freak me out. Maybe it was the steady breathing I was focusing on. I was gonna be damned if I wet myself... that was the only pair of jeans I was taking with me that weekened! It's when i was leaning forward & the women across the aisle asked if my ears hurt that I decided to just F' it & got up and went to the lavatory.... BIG sigh of relief! Didn't stop me from ordering more beer however.

Aside from that, everything else was going smoothely. The flights were on time, the weather forecasts were for glorious & hot and BFF had some friends, Juggs & her fiancé, in from Detroit as well for long weekend festivities. It wasn't until the plane landed in Vegas that I received a text from BFF explaining that Princess Nalini was opting to stay home that night WHICH ruins the very surprise we had planned that night: me. It's about here I start to panic.

We were going to have her meet up with us at Red Square, a Vodka Bar in Mandalay Bay. I was going to either going to hide out in the corner and keep sending her random texts from BFF's phone confusing her to no end or I was going to phone her & ask her to go for drinks & say that it's quite possible & come around the corner. No, not that night..... my girl had cramps. Her staying home ruins that element of surprise somewhat & well...... WHAT THE HELL WAS I THERE FOR?

So once we rounded me up from the airport, Juggs tried a very convincing argument on her over the phone. So much so that even I was convinced if I wasn't already. She ended with "fine, if I can't convince you, may be someone else can". I hop on the phone & say "I flew my ass all the way down here so I can see you & you tell me that you can't come out tonight????"

pause

"You F'n bitch"

Thanks... I love you too, schnookums.

**** to be continued****

Are you F'n Kidding Me?????

2007-04-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I signed up for before but I receive regular newsletters from 'Homemade Simple' and although I don't normally read them, it's been a slow work week and I thought I would take a peek.

One of the items they were highlighting was called 'celebrate living' which was all about giving creative gift baskets to friends. Seeing as I just came out of a birthday marathon, I thought it would be a great source of gift ideas so I clicked through and guess what? It was crap. Well, it wasn't but like any Martha Stewart type magazine, they give absurd gift ideas. For friends "it seems everyone, from homeowners to city dwellers, wants a green thumb these days. Assemble a starter gardening kit with soil, seeds of her favourite flower, a book about beginning gardening, and gardening gloves. Place everything inside a painted pot from which she can grow her plants." Which actually upon reflection would be a cute gift on mother's day..... but keep reading.

For the Bride to Be:

Buying from the registry is usually the way to go. But if you’re feeling like a renegade gift giver, a gift basket could be a creative alternative. What about some of these ideas?

Assemble a sewing basket complete with straight pins, thread, thimbles, and scissors. Add the bride’s favourite yarn, fabrics, or craft supplies, too. Then customize the sewing basket on the outside with little touches that speak to the bride’s unique personality.
Another idea is to provide a collection of cleaning supplies. While it sounds boring, recent research has shown that household chores are a cause of newlywed distress. Give the bride a starter kit of great cleaning supplies, wrapped inside a convenient carry caddy. This way, she (or he) can carry all of their supplies with them from room to room as they complete their chores

If one of you fools out there ever gave me cleaning supplies as a gift I would take the cleanser & spray it into your eyes because you so obviously can't see what a crap gift that is. WTF... seriously... "Happy Marriage! Here's a box of stereotypical wife things for you use while you walk around the house crying worried about whether or not you just made the biggest mistake of your life." Awesome.

DON'T even get me started on 'their chores' WTF???? are they marrying their father & are assigned certain things that they NEED to do? Are they coming from somewhere where they didn't ever clean before? Why is this hard? Are they new? Are they mail order? Who doesn't know how to clean?

You know what would be a better gift? If women are so stressed about about cleaning, give them Molly Maid gift certificates. I would gladly accept 6 months worth of house cleaning over a bottle of Mr Clean any day. THAT would releive any stress I may have not some stupid mop... "Congratulations! Here's something else to do!" At least with that, I'm coming home to a clean house so I can focus on stupid things like Thank-you cards (I KNOW no man will write those) or they can take care of cleaning things I would never want to do ie... washing all my windows. Now, THAT'S a gift that keeps on giving....

What Shade Are You?

2007-04-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

Our feelings are always equated with different colours. I suppose mostly to help illustrate & paint the picture to which we feel. Anger is commonly associated with red Jealousy is always a shade of green and when you're sad, you're Blue. It leave the question to be asked.... What shade does Bitter bring out because I'm riding that train loud and clear.

I'm not angry, or jealous or sad or even hesitant. I'm down right, 100% bitter (ok, so anger does rear it's ugly head from time to time with this emotion but it's hard not to). Nothing spectacular has precipitated this mood shift but rather my disdain for the same BS over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

This may be a redundant question but it begs to be asked for the 100th time.... Is all what guys want is to get in your pants? Before I typed that out, I had answered the question but UGH... so the same ALL the time. Case in point... VERY JOKINGLY, Brutal & Jammer told 5D's friend that if he came out Saturday night, I would go home with him. Yes, I have met him before & yes, he has hit on me (very badly I may add), but as soon as he thought he had an in, I recieved a couple of phone calls & a text message that evening.... GOOD GOD boy, take a joke.... won't happen and let me tell you why.

First off, let's just get the bitchy out of the way.... you don't fit the height requirement. Much like amusement park rides that have a sign stating your height requirement, so do I. I figure like a roller coaster, I'm fun, you go really fast, I may make you scream and when you're done, you're quite spent... only fair.

Secondly, and probably just as bitchy: Just no. No no no no no.... you're not my type.

Thirdly... you're gonna have to try a little harder then just talking to me. It may work on younger girls but you see, I've been there. I've done that and quite frankly unless you can dazzle me with some witty banter, I lose interest after the first 15 seconds.

Fourth: Putting all of the above aside, if I haven't shown interest by now, it won't happen. A girl knows right away if she will or not. It's never a matter of convincing her. What it is, is a matter of convincing her WHEN she will. You see, we have that whole "we don't want you thinking we're a slut" thing working against us and so a lot of it is just reassurance that we're not doing something stupid (but it's always something stupid so really it's moot)

Anyways, just tired of all of that so am feeling bitterish (not as bad anymore as I just recieved word that I'll be getting a free Motorola KRZR... funny how free stuff cheers me up)... So what colour would I be? I suppose it would be somewhat mottled or hazy... perhaps puce? Periwinkle? maybe a Mustard..... nope none of these fit... great, just something else to be upset about.

To Be or Not To Be..... Naked

2007-04-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that I'm on Myspace. I've actually met a few people from there. Mostly from them reading this blog & finding out what an insane person I am and THEN deciding they want to know me (yea, I'm just as shocked as you are).

However, one contact I've made on there from them searching me out is a producer from the naked news who thinks I should enter the naked news talent search.

Aside from the fact that, THAT would definately kill off all members of my family, I could NEVER do that. I can't even get naked in front of someone I'm intimate with nevermind slowly stripping while reading news.

I think it takes a very special kind of person that could do that. For the very reason that most people are afraid of public speaking. So much so that they feel naked when they're up there & in order to gain control of their fear, the picture the audience in their underwear. In this situation, your worst fears are coming true & the only underwear is yours... on the floor. Course I am still looking at myself in the garden gnome mirror so maybe all that cellulite is also just my mirror buckling from it's age. However, those cutlets I wear do NOT look as good when there isn't a bra holding them in.

Daddy's Little Girl...

2007-04-02T09:50:00.001-07:00

So I went out to dinner with my dad last night for his birthday. Only person I know that pays for his own birthday dinner but I didn't exactly fight over the cheque so I guess that makes me a bad person. However, was very surprised to learn that my dad thinks I'm angelic. He thinks I may throw my bra onto the ice at Hockey Games but that I'm angelic nonetheless.

We were discussing Vancouver & how are they going to clean up certain areas for the olympics because quite frankly, the downtown east side is one of the sketchiest areas in North America. I comment that people from New York come here & think.. damn, now this is scary..... My dad commented that the VPD have visited New York to see how they cleaned up Times Square & brought that under control in order to help clean up Granville Street.

Ok, yes, granville street is dingy but the night time bar crowd is nothing more chaotic then anywhere else there is a 'party' district. I say this. I tell him that seeing as I live 2 blocks away, I am on Granville Street all the time. My dad retorts back with "Yes, but you're not out til 2-3 in the morning drinking.... "

Pause for canned laughter.

NO!!! no, I'm not out til 2-3 in the morning nor do I drink. I looked at the step monster & she's also laughing because at least out of the 2 people at the table, she's met me. That or I'm new.

Because if he had only known how my weekend went down, he may sing a different tune. You see, Jammer flew into town originally for only the Flames game on saturday night (I HATE it when Flame's fans are justified in being so smug... wait til playoffs bitches) but we also managed to make it down to the Wine Festival at the Convention Centre.

For those of you that don't know, it's $75 and 3 hours of tasting wine from all around the world with an emphasis on Australian wine. It ends up being a wine shooting event & you always leavea little blurry. Still can't get behind port. Anyways, after the festival, we congregated down at Yagger's with others that weren't at the festival.... after a couple of drinks, I thought it best if I met up with Capt'n Jess and the crew for her birthday. I hauled my ass over the bridge into Kits to just find out that we were going BACK downtown which found us ending up at the Moose.

Dan, the manager, bought us a round of shooters (yey!) However, this spawned a chain reaction. Some random guy thought it was great that we were doing shooters & bought us 6 subsequent rounds. I kept trying to explain to people that I had been to the festival that evening & all they would answer back is "that's impressive". Uh-huh.. great... Is it so impressive that I can't see right now? Furniture Man: The sequal was in town & met up with us. I grabbed him off the street and in the block walk up to the Moose, I managed to smack him 3x in the face. Whe the moose's lights came on.. the group of us moved ourselves over to the cellar. It's here where I ran away. I surface from the bar (it's the cellar, the bar is underground), and get a text from Dutch friend saying if I want to watch Family Guy to bring pizza so off I go.

I woke the next day confused as to why I moved my couch against the window before I realized I wasn't home. So I go home only to be picked up by Brutal, Bell & Jammer to go for breakfast & to start another shit storm of a day and it's only 830am. I did manage to get in a snooze here & there but by noon, you found me back in my friend's back yard cracking a new beer.. hey it was better then being hung over and after about the third one I really was feeling awesome.
That night.. not so much but then yes.

So I suppose my father was right... I don't go home at 2-3 in the morning. I just choose to not go home & that way everyone wins... Well, everyone except my liver. Princess Nalini and I are in agreement, if he had any idea of what went down at New Year's, he'd probably have an aneurism.

Ferrell Friday!!!

2007-03-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

It's the last installment of Ferrell Friday (am re-thinking this to end today) and seeing as the movie comes out today:

More to come today.

I've Decided...

2007-03-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

That good conversations are ones that end in "Ok, now here's a bunch of money... " and you're the recipient of that action.

As you may know, when I speak online with my boss, the conversation tends to go a bit awry. However, upon further reflection, I'm thinking it's mostly me...

Anyways after a recent exchange of thoughts online (because getting up & walking around the corner proves difficult), I wasn't happy with the answer he provided.

Me:You're supposed to say, "Fantastic, You're done! Now here's a bunch of money"
Him: How much do you want
Me: One Million Dollars (sound it out like Dr. Evil)

He then comes out from his office & throws down 2 American 20's. Now either our dollar really sucks or I just got totally gyped. Either way I'm onto something.

Do we have $100!??

2007-03-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with a new fundraising season. The Bobbleheads are back & we're in full force. I just sent out many email solicitations asking for donations. I'm also taking part in planning our 2nd annual Bachelor/Bachelorette Auction because it isn't prostitution if it's for charity.

I'm in charge of wragnling up singles to take part & allow themselves be auctioned off. We'll see how well I work as a pimp. I myself took part of this event last year. I was dating Trainwreck at the time & didn't sign up for the gig but a girl fell thru at the last minute as she was stuck in Whistler with a broken car so I stepped up to the plate. Nerveous as hell, I downed about 5 jagr shots before going up. Also was pleased to see boys from Leanne's dating past in the crowd... that didn't help either. The end result wasn't pretty... nor really good for the pride... but made for one hell of a kodak moment. Yes, I stood on stage & smacked my own ass.. Those of you there should remember that spectacle.

All I can say is....... anyways.

Odds'n'Ends

2007-03-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

I think I need to clarify my hatred for poetry. I probably shouldn't hate all poetry but I do. I haven't read every poem nor have I read every poet. However, I can't help but equate poetry to the love lorn.

The problem is that it started back in highschool when I, myself, wrote incessent drivel about my immature love life and then shared it with people. Not to be out done, my boyfriend also wrote poetry for me and would include it in cards and what have you ... (sorry, i just threw up a little bit in my mouth). This was of course, during the era where one stays on the phone until the wee hours of the night talking endlessly about every minute detail of your life.THAT was probably the last time I had any fuzzy feelings. I would post these said poems but really... my pride prevents any doings of such. (AND that would mean, I would have to go into my storage locker. Which would mean, that I could get into my storage locker. Which would mean I have keys. Which would mean I had a new lock. Which would mean I cut off my old lock and I haven't as of yet. I just got mail the other day so one step at a time).

Yes, there are those of you out there that like Keats. There are those of you that took poetry in University and try to plead with me that there is more then love lorn, mushy drivel out there & that I too could like it...... no. No I won't. I know me. I know that when I was serenaded on the beach by a somewhat cute boy (ok REALLY cute guy but my memory is getting kinda vague now), I was laughing at the situation.

However, who does that houseboating? Who thinks, hey! I got an idea, why don't I take this amazingly beautiful creature (yes, you guessed it, we're talking about me... remember NOT a garden gnome) and sing to her.... I know I would do anything for her but yes, the definate way to impress her at this moment is to HAVE a moment... a moment when everyone else around us is drunk & high. Yes, definately the way to go. Not when you're back in the city. Not when you possibly could have some privacy but here on the beach where there are topless girls walking by (apparently, not topless as they had lei's on). It just seemed odd to me.... especially AFTER the 2 hours we spent in the hot tub.. NOW you're working me? For what?

Anyways.. bottom line poetry is gay. Don't try & hold my hand either.

Nothing Says Spring Like a Bronchial Infection

2007-03-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

Still sick, still achy.... still cranky. Cranky as sh*t actually. Yes, I could kill if I could muster the strength. Normally loud, today I'm a quiet rumble. Can't speak. Kinda funny. My new name should be Pardon?

Stuff's stopped leaking from my eyes at least. What it was, I dunno. I just know that every time I touched my nose, my eyes would tear up. Gross I know but hey.. You lie on the couch for 2 days & try & think of something interesting to talk about. At least Prison Break was full on Awesome last night.

However, managed to drag my ass into work today only because stuff needs to get approved & moved along. Did try working from home. Was a half productive day once I stopped my blogging marathon and am happy to see that the sun managed to stay out another day for me.

I'll let you in on a little secret... I made it stop raining. Saturday I had a little sit down with the weather & said: You gotta be f'n kidding me... enough's enough! I need a break & VOILA! sun sun sun. It won't stay granted but it is much better n'est pas?

Worse for Wear

2007-03-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm at home sick today and unfortunately there is nothing on television so it's LIVE blogging all day long. One of the things i managed to watch was Much More Music's top ten videos.
I can't decide which is worse: JT's "What Goes Around Comes Around" or Christina Aguilara's "Candyman" which brought out all sorts of anger.

Bad

Really Bad

Horrible

Hurt my face

But yet, couldn't look away.

which do you hate more. Gaylord couldn't decide which he hated more because as he puts it "are they just totally different categories of crap that you can't compare"?

You be the judge.

Alcoholics Unite!!!

2007-03-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

Lord knows why, but Reef has created a sandal which can hold your booze. The Dram Sandal costs $45 and the heel of it holds up to three ounces of your favorite liquid. Can you imagine using this thing? People would see you pouring liquid out of your shoe and then drinking it. And even if they knew, you'd still be pouring liquid out of your shoe and then drinking it. (quoted from geekologie.com)

My question is... why is this only for guys? and was this inspired by Disco Stu & his amazing fish?

and I suppose these would be just another thing that wouldn't be allowed on planes....

Attack of the One Armed Spoon...

2007-03-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

Am working from home today as I'm very sick (cough, cough... hack hack... sniff) Woke up Saturday morning with a sore throat and think I got my cold on Friday.

Went to FUSE Friday night at the Vancouver Art Gallery. For those not in the know, FUSE is an event that happens the fourth Friday of every month which 'transforms into THE place for art, music and live performance in the city.'

So basically the idea is to fuse art, live performances, music & people into an evening event. Basically if you want to feel hoity go to this. If you have no interest in art whatsoever, there is no place for you here.

I myself went to art school and I took Art History and I loved it. If I were to go back to school, I would study Art History further. Possibly majoring in it as studying art throughout the ages not only gives you a sense of a culture but of the political & social climate of the times. If we were to look back on our society in 200 years what a better avenue then reviewing our art, music, because it's the 21st century, movies and television. It gives light to the goings on of the time & sheds light into the stuff that not necessarily would make the history books. (Who knew Popes back in the day had children? Well, me but it's not necc common knowledge)

As enlightened as I am and after all the classes I have taken, there are two things I hate. Interpretive dance and installation art.

I've always found interpretive dance to be lame. Never liked it. Have taken years of ballet and jazz. Having performed numerous times myself, there is nothing more ridiculous then watching someone BE the wind. Case in point on Friday night. One of the performances was by a dancer entitled 'death from above' where a dancer set to the song "Without You" emulates suicide.

She starts from above, makes her way down the stairs, ties a noose, & finally keels over........ special. For those not in the know, the VAG used to be Vancouver's court house once upon a time & the old TV show, Perry Mason was filmed there.

So imagine if you will some short woman thing making her way down the winding stairs of they foyer.... it was hard for me not to laugh ... at her (people were laughing at what I suppose was the comedic sense of it). I find suicide to be a horrible topic to begin with so why one would want to do it as a dance is beyond me.

As for installation art....... seriously, I find it serves no purpose except to illustrate art as an absurdity or make something art for the sake of being art. Any piece I've seen doesn't offer any insight. It doesn't reflect upon some social issue. It is there to just be there. To fill space. In fact, any installation piece that is of any worth will in fact be ginormous in size, will be exaggerated to the point of absurdity & personally look like a giant waste of time. For example, I went to the gallery and up the foyer, in the very same space as 'death from above' there was a giant tube about 6 feet in diameter that ran to the ceiling that was covered in tissues. Apparently, it was put together in sections as you can not get that thru the door.

WHY am i looking a this? why is this important? Please explain.

I forgot. I also hate poetry... well, I hate most poetry. I like being upfront. I like just saying what I mean. I don't want to read a metaphor to shed light onto the duress to which someone is facing. Even though I went through a cheesy phaze when I was sixteen, where I too wrote poetry, I haven't really been able to enjoy it much since.

With that being said, I was attacked by a one armed spoon on Friday.

GOULET!

2007-03-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

C&H

2007-03-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

Click on the Pictures to Enlarge

Little Fridays...

2007-03-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's Stine's birthday today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY STINE) and in honour of it, we are going out this evening which to be honest, frightens me.

Little Friday has been rearing it's ugly head. Like a virus, it will never go away. Rather, it will hibernate, build strength and come back to kick you in the a$!

Take last week for example. What started out as an Innocent gathering of friends to watch the canucks game down at Browns, turned into an all out gong show which took no mercy in it's path of drunken destructiveness. After one round of shooters was ordered, I should have just waved my white flag & surrendered. Because really, for what was about to ensue, no one could survive.

By the time the game was over, all but one soldier was on a mission (the one that called it a night at 1030 still had the hangover from hell on Friday). From Browns we hit Glowbal. From Glowbal it was to Granville Room. From Granville Room there is no where else to go but to the Roxy (Yes, I hang my head in shame).

It's about here where my fine behaviour really started to take shape. It also didn't help that I ran into some old high school friends that greet you with a shooter & a beer. I know that I went to Fritz's fries before heading home because I awoke the next day on my couch holding an empty container.... My only consolation is that I was not the only one still feeling the effects from the night before as we entered work.

But not tonight!

Tonight I will have restraint! Tonight I will take control & say .. NO! No I won't do shooters. No I won't go to the Roxy... No I won't be an all out asshole to anyone that chats with me. Tonight I will enjoy the concert and go home at a decent hour. I will socialize with friends and refuse to be spanked on command.

Side Bar: new spring rule going forward... there are to be no more photos of me being spanked. It makes me cry that there is a library full of such imagery.

NO... Tonight I will be a respectable, enjoyable young (ish) lady.

If you bought any of that, I should change careers & go into sales because even I didn't believe that as I wrote that.....

It's a Dream Come True....

2007-03-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention that I had all my dreams come true last night. After Dinner, Nanz came over to my place (wow, the set up of that sentence makes the next part soooo disappointing for any guy reading this).

As Nanz was standing at my front door preening in my full length mirror, she commented that the mirror was indeed F'd. I ask what she meant by that. She tells me that it's a fat mirror and pulled me over. She looks at me. She looks at my reflection in the mirror. She looks at me again and informs me that my mirror is warped and that it does, in fact, make me wider & shorter and that I definately look thinner in real life..... HOLY CRAP! Isn't this the one thing every girl has ever wanted to hear?

Are you F'n kidding me???? I've had this mirror since I was 11 years old. All this time I thought I was a garden gnome and it turns out I'm a super model... Rock On. I'd try out for the next cycle of ANTM, but I exceed the IQ maximum by 100 points. Guess I'll never be a superstar.

2007 Is the Year of the Moustache??

2007-03-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

So last night I took out my friend Nanz for her birthday to Rodney's Oyster House which I love love love... It is one of my more favourite restaurants in Vancouver because whenever I'm there, I don't feel like I'm in the city. I feel like I'm away somewhere tropical & I can forget that it is pouring rain outside (although yesterday was gorgeous... cold & windy but gorgeous) and it also helps that food rocks (and last time I was there with Princess Nalini we spent the entire meal letching the waiter... sad but true).

Last night was insanely busy. We had to wait for about 10-15 minutes for a table when all I wanted to sit at the bar because it usually is the most fun but that too was jam packed. As I surveyed the crowd, I noticed at the front bar is Vancouver's own Tom Selleck look alike. (I'm not kidding, totally looks like him. Nanz commented that he knows it too and it apparently that makes 2 people in the world that can pull off that moustache. I think it's because they have the eyebrows to match.... balances out the hair).

I actually met Tom's Twin back in November at an anniversary party for Palladio, a jewellery store downtown owned by my friend. It was a pretty standard anniversary party. Wine was flowing, people were mingling and the jewellery was being offered at a discount to friends and loyal customers. Brutal herself was contemplating a watch that evening. Whilst standing at the counter, we started talking to Tom's twin who also was contemplating an $8000 watch. He was usure of the purchase so I looked at him and asked "What would Burt do?".... Don't know if he heard me but I was reluctant to REALLY yell that out. (Also because I ripped that line off from the movie 'Ed').

So Nanz and I giggled over our wine as I told her that story and also over the many things that we've been through together in our 24 year friendship. Both of us couldn't believe that we've known each other since our fateful meeting in the first day of grade three. Nor could we believe that it's gone by so fast.

I realized then that I have known her longer then I had known my own mother and for whatever reason felt I was without family unaware of the fact it is escaping me that I've known my dad & brother for some thirty *cough* years. (Yea, now I hide my age, if you've been paying attention at all you would have done the math... but Nanz IS older............. and a cougar. ha ha!).