Fake it Forward

I will admit that I've been neglecting this blog and part of it is due the fact that I'm pretty busy with work, part of it is that I haven't had anything I've really wanted to divulge and a giant chunk of it is that I'm addicted to facebook for reasons like this email I received yesterday.

SUBJECT: I recogize your name as though it were my very own....

I just wanted to write you a quick note to thank you for providing me with some of the most memorable 4 years of my clubbing career. haha "clubbing career" by the way. You likely don't remember me but when Special K was dating my brother *insert name*, you were kind enough to pass on your expired driver's license to his younger sister (me) via Special K and I treated that thing like it was the GOLDEN TICKET from age 15 to 18! haha Isn't it a little strange to think that someone spent 4 years posing as you when going to bars? You were like my alter ego - haha just kidding. Anyway, thanks Leanne - hope all is well. :)

I myself had my own fake ID and just felt handing my expired one out was a right of passage...

Life After...

Well, I'm happy to report I'm back to boning up on my daytime TV. I'm not happy to report that the self loathing that took place all weekend just pours over onto my weekdays as the lack of conversation leaves me trapped within my thoughts. (although, I never talked to anyone before, I just msn'd so it's really not that different)

HOWEVER.. I have been watching the view... and I've liked it... I'm all over the Rosie/Elizabeth fight.

I don't know about you but I think that's a blatant cry for help if I've ever heard one.


It's not that bad. I just like traffic accidents what can I say.

DISNEYLAND.... THEN & NOW...

Disneyland circa 1978... Me & my brother. I'm cute with my bonnet.
He's something I just can't figure out what that is.

Disneyland circa 2007: Me & my 3 girlfriends. No more bonnet
and have slightly outgrown the mouse.

Disneyland circa 1978: my bro & I with Pinnochio. I see that my brother is donning the same lame hat. I myself am sporting a smart pantsuit.... note the bowl cut. Was a cooler day obviously.

Disneyland circa 2007: Overjoyed with the Mouse. Watson donning the magician's hat.

Suze casting her magical powers over the mouse.

Disneyland circa 1978: I had a real fetish of grabbing the character's noses. I distinctly remember Goofy chastising me for doing so (he wagged his finger!!!).
Happiest place on earth my ass! Dig my pantsuit.

Disneyland circa 2007: Mickey caught wind of my fetish and obligingly agreed to the photo op.. ok so it was the mouse's idea .. Hey why not? I pretty much only wanted this photo for the purpose of this entry... (my life has become sad).

I may be showing this photo again but this photo shows our shoes.
You see, in 1978, I donned a smart pantuit & comfortable shoes. In 2007, I wore Capri pants (was cold) and mofo sandals!!! Yes, they're cute but they had a weird bump in the arch that by around 6pm resulted in a annoyance by 8pm, kinda hurt. By 10pm I was in downright pain & after we had sat for an hour, they swelled flat. It took me a good 12 hours before I could walk again properly. At least in the Magic Kingdom, it's clean enough to take off your shoes and feel safe walking around..... In West Hollywood, not so much. I was wimpering in pain but whenever Watson would look back to see if I was doing ok, I'd flash a smile & then go back to cursing under my breath**

However, we did spend some time going through Mickey & Minnie's houses. In doing so, you are ushered through to the Mickey's viewing room where you can have the photo op. We came in with a couple of families and each child proceeded to go up to Mickey with open arms & give him a giant hug, have their photo taken, have their books signed & are ushered out. WE on the other hand posed for what seemed 10 photos took turns hugging the mouse, clowing around & basically monopolizing his time as they weren't letting anyone else into the room until we left. I don't know if we should be ashamed for carrying on so much or for the fact that it made so entirely happy. Nonetheless, in order for me to sleep well tonight, I'm going to think that the person inside was fun & not some pervy man getting umpteen photos with the 30 something ladies.. we are 30 aren't we? I mean, I can't tell by the way we each walked up with open arms & hugged the mouse exclaiming we loved him... ok, so that was just me. BUT it's MICKEY!

Just for fun, here are a couple more photos from that day.

In front of Sleeping Beauty's Castle. I'm standing on a block, that's why I'm so much more incredibly taller then my friends... ok, fine, you got me... I'm a freak... I know this because I also have a gigantic smile. If Watson's not careful, I may eat her head.

Here's our picture on a roller coaster called: California Dreamin' which I think has to be the best ride EVER... what makes it so good is the 0-something really high in like 2 seconds you have in the beginning.... in other words that make sense.. you have a shot gun start that propels you up the slope as opposed to being pulled up. Probably an elastic band type release that gets you going... but so much fun. We would have ridden that twice but we had to go drink wine (cuze we never do that)... but no. You can now drink wine in California Disney (not the magic kingdom).... all quite loverly.

**Cursing in Disneyland: While I was standing in line for the Jungle Cruise, I took five minutes away from letching the hot dad to survey the public letting my eye dart from one obese american to obese american (Seriously, I never really believed the epidemic until I spent a day there.... all I can say is .... Wow and am I allowed to have a side bar in my sidebar?). Anyways, as my eyes are darting around (loved that description), I could have sworn that I saw Sam walk past the ride. If not her, it is her identical twin. Now, for those of you NOT familiar with the Jungle Cruise. It's one of the old school hokey rides & it lends itslef to being a 'family' ride. So needless to say me yelling out "HOLY F**K!" PROBABLY wasn't the best course of action. A quick chastising by my friends was followed and the line moved on. I never was able to find out if it was her as I really have no idea where in the world she is.. she really could be anywhere. When she left to report back to London in Jan, she didn't know where she was going to be stationed. I tried talking myself out of it.. I mean who works for Disney cruises and then on their day off goes to Disneyland.. It really does seem wrong... So on that note, I went back to letching the hot dad. We couldn't figure out if he had 2 wives but we did realize he had 4 children. Man may be hot but he's fertile.. Note to self: stay away.

2nd Chance

Here's my piece of advice for you all.... never give someone a second chance as they haven't changed & probably will burn you in the exact same way the did the first time.

How Suze Got Her Groove Back...

First you get four girls. One of which that is married with a child and stick them on a plane to LA for the weekend. You give them booze, you give them a pool & you give them access to the bar... sound familiar? Probably because I was telling most of you about it leading up to this past weekend.

Here's a question you can ponder. If your waiter suggests two bars you can go to. One that is up the road, quite fun & full of guys or this other martini bar where "there probably won't be any guys that would ask you to marry them"... what would you think? I piped in with the question: Cuz the guys in the first one are looking for wives? (see answer below)

The weekend was definately fun. There are definately our share of photos. Mostly because Saturday night consisted of Suze & friend taking picture after picture after picture... If that's how you pick up girls... well, good job cuz it worked.

Yes Saturday morning saw us haul our asses out of bed at the ripe time of 415 AM! (yes, AM people.. not the afternoon AM.. I don't get up at that hour.. I go HOME at that hour). I was panicking all weekend about my ear as it never really cleared. I candled, I sprayed, I took antibiotics. So Saturday morning I loaded my body with the above, plus gravol & ibuprofen. I was a walking pharmacy of prescription/over the counter drugs. I thought if I knocked myself out on the plane, I would be ok... and I would have slept if the talking twins wern't so chatty but seeing as they started their day by double spiking their coffees at 6am & ordering drinks on the plane, it's a lot to ask from people to be quiet.

Anyways, we got to the hotel by 10 am and well, I was underwhelmed. It was cloudy & not too hot which was putting a damper into my pool plan*

*POOL PLAN: wearing bathing suit, lying on lounge, sipping drink and rolling over ...... repeat. Fill drink as needed.

So we dropped our stuff off in the room and did the walk down the boulevard which would be cool if I cared about stuff like that... but I don't... Kodak Theatre, Walk of Fame, Chinese Theatre.. Tacky impersonators... yup, it's all there..AnnnnnnnnnnD Lucky Liquor! woo hoo... Love a store that sells those tiny mini bottles of booze for $1.99 each right next to a bowl of apples. Once the sun burned through that tiny layer of smog it made my drinks by the poolside that much more pretty!

and Oh, did we drink?... no, Did we? I can't really remember. I know I bought beer and I know that i didn't have any left on Sunday but seeing it's about 1.5% alcohol, that there is no way I could get drunk off that and I didn't... it was the shooters.

OH Tequila has reared it's ugly head at me my friends..... it's reared it's ugly head and well, it wasn't pretty. Later on saturday night, tequila was brought to the table & well, I needed a moment. I put it back of course but the question of whether or not it would stay back was touch and go there for a bit. I balled up my fist, I clenched my jaw & I punched through to the other side & was able to enjoy the many other 'fruity' shooters & my vodka martinis... yes.... gooooooood times.

It wasn't any of the girls that bought those shooters... They're not that mean (ok, so Suze is but at that time of the night it really did seem like a good idea). No, it was the table of guys we befriended.. and how did they befriend us? One guy asked if he could take my picture with his friend. GOD I'm so easy ... TO APPROACH..

Jammer may have told me, I'm not slutty..... I'm 'approachable' but that really was the case that night. Bell, & Watson had bid us adieu and went back to the hotel. Suze & I got our drink on & were determined to punch through to at least midnight as we were a tich exhausted not just from the afternoon of sun drinking but that 4am wake up call can put quite the damper on your abilities.

Turns out it was dude's birthday... so we stayed and shared a few libations. Suze held court & showed us not only her pouting face (see below) but how to prevent a pregnent lady from giving early birth with the "DON'T PUSH" hands (she's a neo-natal nurse and it just made sense to randomly yell out "DON'T PUSH" and position your hands a such at any given moment)

So once Suze got her groove back with *cough* a 23 year old (yea, I outted you... half your age plus 7 is 24.5 soooo.... ooops, what happened there? It's ok, just ask me about my 30th birthday...) He was über fun though.. mostly it was his hair. He will forever be known to me as Chia Jim as he had Will Ferrell kind of hair. You know the kind where it is tightly curled & has grown a good 2 inches out & is becoming a nice fro? Yes, that. So naturally it was neccessary for me to run my fingers through his hair & pull... He however, didn't see it that way so we did another shooter.

How we ended up at the Red Rock is a story in itself. After our waiter at dinner recommended a good place for martinis & gave us some direction, we set off. However, when we turned the corner, the street looked a little sketchy so we decided to go into the bar for a drink. We thought we'd have a drink, ask about Abby's & continue. Except our waitress hadn't heard of Abby's and that was the 2nd time that day that we had been recomended a place & people were unfamiliar with it so we were starting to wonder what the hell is up with LA.

Our waitress came by a little later to check on our drinks etc & informed us that she had asked around about the martini place, Abbys.... Yes, we found out why men wouldn't propose to us there....... it's a gay bar. Now don't lie to me, you thought that it meant that guys were just looking to get laid didn't you? WHICH could be very true but it just so happens that's it's with other guys....

Me & Watson. You can start to see my tan lines... which brings up my new nick name: Random Tan. I may look like I took lotion application 101 from Shaloa but I didnt put on any lotion and yet I still randomly burnt myself on my legs & stomache...

Bell & Suze... This is dinner BEFORE the shooters... See how we still smile?

Working out Chia Jim's hair.

Don't know what was up. Chia Jim looks on.

So stick out your tongues.

In fact, let me do that too. Woo! I look naked

Candling

So in attempts to make my ear better before I fly, I tried Ear Candling which has been around for centuries. I believe the egyptians used to also partake in this remedy.

It's not that big of a deal. You buy the special candles place them in your ear, ignite them & let them burn down. Someone has to administer this to you as you are lying there & someone needs to ensure you don't catch fire.

But it's after when you snuff it out & open up the remaining candle & look at what's there... THAT's the gross yet interesting part. I know what you're all thinking.. ewwwww. All of the sudden you're all prissy but we did this in my hairdressers salon yesterday & I kid you not, not one person did NOT come & take a peek. Even the workmen passing by wanted to see what resulted... Course these are all people that pick their noses & inspect them after.

Who Loves Me??

So I had flowers delivered to me this morning. Course it would have been more of a surprise if the florist hadn't phoned me yesterday to confirm my address... But I was pleased none the less and I gotta say, they really do cheer me up which was the whole point of the delivery.

I may have not been surprised that I was receiving the flowers but once I read the note, I fell off my chair laughing...... you see, each time I spoke with someone from this florist it sounded what would be an older asian man so when I finally read the note that finished with "You're one tough & determined Bee-yotch" I was oh so hoping that was phoned in as I wanted to be a fly on the wall to witness THAT dictation. Seriously.... comedy gold.

Love you schnookums!!!!!

P.S. I don't care what you say, anyone who uses nasal spray is HAWT! I feel like a super star after each spray.

What You Don't Want to Hear...

Ever have your doctor look at you and exclaim "Ew!" followed by "Well, that's not very good..."

My ear horrifes people. At least I'm justified in tearing up whenever I get the shooting pain through my head.

This past week has sucked.

Icing on a Perfect Day....

I wouldn't call Friday a stellar day. Wasn't a horrible one but wasn't stellar either... So after managing to not completely freak out (the beer, the crown, the martinis, and the shooters helped), I went out for the C-Hatch & Drunk Lawyer's 30th birthdays (apparently calling C-Hatch Ma'am was only funny to me). Fun shenanigans were had by all.... Drunk Lawyer & I even got into our play fighting mode yet again....

Except I have a feeling I won this time... course it would help if I could remember.

And there's my impression of a Ninja... Hawt!

I don't know what time it was but I was convinced by Capt'n Jess & K-Dog to meet up with them at the Roxy... WHY WHY WHY WHY do I go there? Did I not vow that I would NEVER step foot in that place again? Do I NOT have one bad incident after one bad incident?

Well, 3rd time's a charm & I'm out one credit card & am down several hundred dollars..... good times. I like the part where I'm trying to explain to investigations that I don't own a car and therefore wouldn't be buying gas.

How was YOUR weekend?

The Falling Down Prophecies

So Saturday I went out for my friend's birthday BBQ/Softball Tournament. Because we were at Douglas Park, we had to bring our own folding chair. I grabbed the one that I acquired one year for Houseboating. It's small, I bought it at Superstore and was about 5 dollars. The thing is a five dollar chair looks like a five dollar chair and what does that look like you ask? Well, let me tell you.... It's small.. It's one of those really low ones to the ground that are ideal for the beach as you can bury it into the sand & lounge quite nicely with a back rest.

So when I arrived at the park, I got a couple of jabs about the chair. More specifically I was asked if the chair was for my children. I take the abuse and add to the fodder by stating "Hey, I like this chair because I don't have far to fall... "

Not ten minutes later, there I was sprawled out on the blanket next to me with my beer everywhere & a giggling Loucamotive in the background.

Yes, we are sitting just behind the foul line so as the guys kept practicing hitting the occasional stray ball would come flying. I was talking on the phone when I saw a ball get lopped over the fence & I frantically screamed out "Watch out! Watch out!" except, I don't move. No, with one hand up to my ear, & one hand holding my beer, I manage to lean to get out of the way. (Cuz the ball would see that and not hit me?) Except it looked like it was coming at me and so I had to lean further and further as the low lying chair is quite difficult to get out of & yea well, gravity won. At least I was right... I didn't have far to fall.

Not My Best Moment....

So when the hot guy from the 7th floor gets on the elevator with you, do you chat him up, share pleasantries and even possibly flirt or do you do what I do and stare at your feet?

Yea, I'm smoothe. I've talked to this guy before which makes the situation even better. I had orginally met him a few months back in the gym, and have seen him from time to time around the building... sometimes with a girl, sometimes without but nothing really to get your feathers ruffled up about. I've seen twice this past week. Last week, I passed him as I was getting onto the elevator & managed to get in a quick hello.... He looked good. I looked good. There was no reason why a meeting of the mind couldn't happen and then again last night.

Except last night, I just came home from Drunk Lawyer's Potluck (not latch as some people were confused about .... potluck) and was fresh from the dewy outside so had a runny nose, which was just added to by my incessant staring. I have no idea what compelled me to act like a gomer but let me tell you, when you want, it can take FOREVER to tie up your umbrella. So every time he glanced over & tried to say something I found another reason to seem inept.

Just to make an awkward situation even more weird, I told him to have a good night as he got off (I mean, I don't want to seem impolite). I really hope I don't see him again as that was probably the lamest thing ever but at least I know the answer to the question "Who do think you'll see"..... dude on the 7th floor... that's who.

As for the rest of my weekend. It was pretty mellow. Tried to get my Cinqo de Mayo on Saturday night. Had a couple of girls over & broke out the blender. To my joy, no hangover to speak of at kickboxing Sunday morning. To not my joy today, I'm in searing pain. I have no idea what I did to my ass. I need to meet an ass-master of sorts who can work out those knots.

I also learned that Ron Burgundy is a real person or at least based on a real person and I'm about 2 degrees away from him. It is my new life's mission to meet this beautiful man & really learn what it is to be classy because really, everyone should have a mentor.

Mr T

No words can describe what you're about to see.... thank you BFF for the tip

Just a Typical Day...

So this weekend I took it easy (well, easy for me... still crazy for others) but I opted to stay local over going to Pender Island for the annual Pender Bender for several reasons. One of which is that title alone. After the month I had, my liver needs a break! and I need to sleep. I may have said Leanne doesn't sleep but that's a fabrication. I do. I need a lot of it and frankly it is one of my most favourite activities (Well, aside from other things that happen in that venue).

So I slept Friday, and pretty well too... and in... slept in til almost 10! Very Exciting..... and it was also sunny! Another reason I didn't head to Pender... thought it was going to be rainy. So when I saw that it was a brilliant day, I phoned up Nanz & convinced her to go outside & play. So off we took for what was a 4 hour walk (My legs fell off when I got home. Have new ones now. They're quite lovely).

So along false creek we walked.... all the way to Kits beach which as it turns out was a feast for the eyes. It was nice out yes.... bikini weather? No. However, without fail, as soon as it's sunny, there is always one not so attractive man sporting a banana hammock on a grassy knoll.

However, here are some pics I took with my Krzr from the beach that day.




I don't konw why people drink or do drugs. Seriously sitting on that log, people watching was entertainment enough. First off we have the urban hippies. You know those types. They grew up in West Van, never really have worked as they don't need to but dress like crap & try to keep it real by playing bongos & listening to Bob Marley (ok, maybe you don't know the type but that's who was to the right of the people on the empty log). Yea, a threesome of guys copped a squat in front of that log. Two of them ripped their shirts off.. why? I don't know. I suppose it was only to achieve loads of attention. If that didn't work, they had their mini speakers & bongos to play. I know it doesn't sound all that bad at this point but one decided to lay flat on his back and then pitched what appeared to be a massive tent.... Nanz points this out to me and unfortunately we couldn't stop staring. I would like to think that it was perhaps just the way the jeans fell and that it wasn't the case at all.... but do guys tell eachother those things? do you bring it up?

Side Bar: I remember one time I was at Kits, playing boccé with Porridge and there was a lone guy that was napping in the distance. Unfortunately for him, his neon shorts did pitch quite the tent and luckily for us, I won the round. Out goes the marker ball.... right over said sleeping guy. So there we are playing boccé over the lone camper when he finally did stir.... I love that we looked around & pretended that we just happen to be standing there. Nevermind the fact that we're holding balls in our hands..... Yea, So much for subtle.

ANYWAYS... the camping trio was later met by another couple of guys which REALLY excited one of the shirtless ones who was more of the pretty boy of the group too... He frantically waved his arms about & jumped up to run at his friends. You'd think he was about to tackle them but instead does this fake dive in front of their feet... and everyone laughs. Seriously, it so looked like some bad 70's summer movie where everyone is just happy go lucky and then put on their coppertone to get that even tan. Not to be outdone, pretty boy doesn't run, doesn't walk but frolics back to the blanket as he is apparently REALLY excited... and by frolic I mean this weird skippy thing followed by a dive sommersault, hops up & then plops down on his ass.
(I'm not kidding).

It's about this time, that Nanz noticed that the third guy sees us laughing at them and is looking uncomfortable & shifty. Dude, your friends are lame, you should be uncomfortable & shifty for more then just the fact that we're laughing at you. Who frolics?

So needless to say, we decide that maybe we shouldn't stare at them anymore and start looking around as there were plenty of other interesting types around. For example the couple that sat behind us building sand castles with tons of toys but no children in sight. What was good too was that they were just sitting on the log not talking to each other. Seemed like such a scene from Napoleon Dynamite.

Then there was my favourite...... Mr. Beach.

I was pretending to be taking more pictures of Nanz so I couldn't get in very close but let me paint this picture for you. He's wearing a Rolling Stones T-Shirt, he's drinking a can of Kokanee (BC Beer for all of you that are unaware), and rocking it out to his ghetto blaster... to what? you ask... No, it's not the Stones, not Zepplin... Not even Queen..... No, he's listening to Laura Branigan "Self Control".

Yea............................. awesome.

Course we had that song in our head for the remainder of the day & couldn't stop singing it.

Then the rest of the weekend was filled out with drinking & general shenanigans but we didn't photograph THOSE events... oh & here is Nanz not keen on me taking pics of her:

Upon further inspection in this photo... there is a child in the back building castles in the sand.