Ferrell Friday!!!

It's the last installment of Ferrell Friday (am re-thinking this to end today) and seeing as the movie comes out today:





More to come today.

I've Decided...

That good conversations are ones that end in "Ok, now here's a bunch of money... " and you're the recipient of that action.

As you may know, when I speak online with my boss, the conversation tends to go a bit awry. However, upon further reflection, I'm thinking it's mostly me...

Anyways after a recent exchange of thoughts online (because getting up & walking around the corner proves difficult), I wasn't happy with the answer he provided.

Me:You're supposed to say, "Fantastic, You're done! Now here's a bunch of money"
Him: How much do you want
Me: One Million Dollars (sound it out like Dr. Evil)

He then comes out from his office & throws down 2 American 20's. Now either our dollar really sucks or I just got totally gyped. Either way I'm onto something.

Do we have $100!??

I'm obsessed with a new fundraising season. The Bobbleheads are back & we're in full force. I just sent out many email solicitations asking for donations. I'm also taking part in planning our 2nd annual Bachelor/Bachelorette Auction because it isn't prostitution if it's for charity.

I'm in charge of wragnling up singles to take part & allow themselves be auctioned off. We'll see how well I work as a pimp. I myself took part of this event last year. I was dating Trainwreck at the time & didn't sign up for the gig but a girl fell thru at the last minute as she was stuck in Whistler with a broken car so I stepped up to the plate. Nerveous as hell, I downed about 5 jagr shots before going up. Also was pleased to see boys from Leanne's dating past in the crowd... that didn't help either. The end result wasn't pretty... nor really good for the pride... but made for one hell of a kodak moment. Yes, I stood on stage & smacked my own ass.. Those of you there should remember that spectacle.

All I can say is....... anyways.

Odds'n'Ends

I think I need to clarify my hatred for poetry. I probably shouldn't hate all poetry but I do. I haven't read every poem nor have I read every poet. However, I can't help but equate poetry to the love lorn.

The problem is that it started back in highschool when I, myself, wrote incessent drivel about my immature love life and then shared it with people. Not to be out done, my boyfriend also wrote poetry for me and would include it in cards and what have you ... (sorry, i just threw up a little bit in my mouth). This was of course, during the era where one stays on the phone until the wee hours of the night talking endlessly about every minute detail of your life.THAT was probably the last time I had any fuzzy feelings. I would post these said poems but really... my pride prevents any doings of such. (AND that would mean, I would have to go into my storage locker. Which would mean, that I could get into my storage locker. Which would mean I have keys. Which would mean I had a new lock. Which would mean I cut off my old lock and I haven't as of yet. I just got mail the other day so one step at a time).

Yes, there are those of you out there that like Keats. There are those of you that took poetry in University and try to plead with me that there is more then love lorn, mushy drivel out there & that I too could like it...... no. No I won't. I know me. I know that when I was serenaded on the beach by a somewhat cute boy (ok REALLY cute guy but my memory is getting kinda vague now), I was laughing at the situation.

However, who does that houseboating? Who thinks, hey! I got an idea, why don't I take this amazingly beautiful creature (yes, you guessed it, we're talking about me... remember NOT a garden gnome) and sing to her.... I know I would do anything for her but yes, the definate way to impress her at this moment is to HAVE a moment... a moment when everyone else around us is drunk & high. Yes, definately the way to go. Not when you're back in the city. Not when you possibly could have some privacy but here on the beach where there are topless girls walking by (apparently, not topless as they had lei's on). It just seemed odd to me.... especially AFTER the 2 hours we spent in the hot tub.. NOW you're working me? For what?

Anyways.. bottom line poetry is gay. Don't try & hold my hand either.

Nothing Says Spring Like a Bronchial Infection

Still sick, still achy.... still cranky. Cranky as sh*t actually. Yes, I could kill if I could muster the strength. Normally loud, today I'm a quiet rumble. Can't speak. Kinda funny. My new name should be Pardon?

Stuff's stopped leaking from my eyes at least. What it was, I dunno. I just know that every time I touched my nose, my eyes would tear up. Gross I know but hey.. You lie on the couch for 2 days & try & think of something interesting to talk about. At least Prison Break was full on Awesome last night.

However, managed to drag my ass into work today only because stuff needs to get approved & moved along. Did try working from home. Was a half productive day once I stopped my blogging marathon and am happy to see that the sun managed to stay out another day for me.

I'll let you in on a little secret... I made it stop raining. Saturday I had a little sit down with the weather & said: You gotta be f'n kidding me... enough's enough! I need a break & VOILA! sun sun sun. It won't stay granted but it is much better n'est pas?

Worse for Wear

I'm at home sick today and unfortunately there is nothing on television so it's LIVE blogging all day long. One of the things i managed to watch was Much More Music's top ten videos.
I can't decide which is worse: JT's "What Goes Around Comes Around" or Christina Aguilara's "Candyman" which brought out all sorts of anger.

Bad

Really Bad

Horrible

Hurt my face

But yet, couldn't look away.

or

which do you hate more. Gaylord couldn't decide which he hated more because as he puts it "are they just totally different categories of crap that you can't compare"?

You be the judge.

Alcoholics Unite!!!

Lord knows why, but Reef has created a sandal which can hold your booze. The Dram Sandal costs $45 and the heel of it holds up to three ounces of your favorite liquid. Can you imagine using this thing? People would see you pouring liquid out of your shoe and then drinking it. And even if they knew, you'd still be pouring liquid out of your shoe and then drinking it. (quoted from geekologie.com)

My question is... why is this only for guys? and was this inspired by Disco Stu & his amazing fish?

and I suppose these would be just another thing that wouldn't be allowed on planes....

Attack of the One Armed Spoon...

Am working from home today as I'm very sick (cough, cough... hack hack... sniff) Woke up Saturday morning with a sore throat and think I got my cold on Friday.

Went to FUSE Friday night at the Vancouver Art Gallery. For those not in the know, FUSE is an event that happens the fourth Friday of every month which 'transforms into THE place for art, music and live performance in the city.'

So basically the idea is to fuse art, live performances, music & people into an evening event. Basically if you want to feel hoity go to this. If you have no interest in art whatsoever, there is no place for you here.

I myself went to art school and I took Art History and I loved it. If I were to go back to school, I would study Art History further. Possibly majoring in it as studying art throughout the ages not only gives you a sense of a culture but of the political & social climate of the times. If we were to look back on our society in 200 years what a better avenue then reviewing our art, music, because it's the 21st century, movies and television. It gives light to the goings on of the time & sheds light into the stuff that not necessarily would make the history books. (Who knew Popes back in the day had children? Well, me but it's not necc common knowledge)

As enlightened as I am and after all the classes I have taken, there are two things I hate. Interpretive dance and installation art.

I've always found interpretive dance to be lame. Never liked it. Have taken years of ballet and jazz. Having performed numerous times myself, there is nothing more ridiculous then watching someone BE the wind. Case in point on Friday night. One of the performances was by a dancer entitled 'death from above' where a dancer set to the song "Without You" emulates suicide.

She starts from above, makes her way down the stairs, ties a noose, & finally keels over........ special. For those not in the know, the VAG used to be Vancouver's court house once upon a time & the old TV show, Perry Mason was filmed there.


So imagine if you will some short woman thing making her way down the winding stairs of they foyer.... it was hard for me not to laugh ... at her (people were laughing at what I suppose was the comedic sense of it). I find suicide to be a horrible topic to begin with so why one would want to do it as a dance is beyond me.

As for installation art....... seriously, I find it serves no purpose except to illustrate art as an absurdity or make something art for the sake of being art. Any piece I've seen doesn't offer any insight. It doesn't reflect upon some social issue. It is there to just be there. To fill space. In fact, any installation piece that is of any worth will in fact be ginormous in size, will be exaggerated to the point of absurdity & personally look like a giant waste of time. For example, I went to the gallery and up the foyer, in the very same space as 'death from above' there was a giant tube about 6 feet in diameter that ran to the ceiling that was covered in tissues. Apparently, it was put together in sections as you can not get that thru the door.

WHY am i looking a this? why is this important? Please explain.

I forgot. I also hate poetry... well, I hate most poetry. I like being upfront. I like just saying what I mean. I don't want to read a metaphor to shed light onto the duress to which someone is facing. Even though I went through a cheesy phaze when I was sixteen, where I too wrote poetry, I haven't really been able to enjoy it much since.

With that being said, I was attacked by a one armed spoon on Friday.

GOULET!

C&H

Click on the Pictures to Enlarge

Little Fridays...

It's Stine's birthday today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY STINE) and in honour of it, we are going out this evening which to be honest, frightens me.

Little Friday has been rearing it's ugly head. Like a virus, it will never go away. Rather, it will hibernate, build strength and come back to kick you in the a$!

Take last week for example. What started out as an Innocent gathering of friends to watch the canucks game down at Browns, turned into an all out gong show which took no mercy in it's path of drunken destructiveness. After one round of shooters was ordered, I should have just waved my white flag & surrendered. Because really, for what was about to ensue, no one could survive.

By the time the game was over, all but one soldier was on a mission (the one that called it a night at 1030 still had the hangover from hell on Friday). From Browns we hit Glowbal. From Glowbal it was to Granville Room. From Granville Room there is no where else to go but to the Roxy (Yes, I hang my head in shame).

It's about here where my fine behaviour really started to take shape. It also didn't help that I ran into some old high school friends that greet you with a shooter & a beer. I know that I went to Fritz's fries before heading home because I awoke the next day on my couch holding an empty container.... My only consolation is that I was not the only one still feeling the effects from the night before as we entered work.

But not tonight!

Tonight I will have restraint! Tonight I will take control & say .. NO! No I won't do shooters. No I won't go to the Roxy... No I won't be an all out asshole to anyone that chats with me. Tonight I will enjoy the concert and go home at a decent hour. I will socialize with friends and refuse to be spanked on command.

Side Bar: new spring rule going forward... there are to be no more photos of me being spanked. It makes me cry that there is a library full of such imagery.

NO... Tonight I will be a respectable, enjoyable young (ish) lady.

If you bought any of that, I should change careers & go into sales because even I didn't believe that as I wrote that.....

It's a Dream Come True....

I forgot to mention that I had all my dreams come true last night. After Dinner, Nanz came over to my place (wow, the set up of that sentence makes the next part soooo disappointing for any guy reading this).

As Nanz was standing at my front door preening in my full length mirror, she commented that the mirror was indeed F'd. I ask what she meant by that. She tells me that it's a fat mirror and pulled me over. She looks at me. She looks at my reflection in the mirror. She looks at me again and informs me that my mirror is warped and that it does, in fact, make me wider & shorter and that I definately look thinner in real life..... HOLY CRAP! Isn't this the one thing every girl has ever wanted to hear?

Are you F'n kidding me???? I've had this mirror since I was 11 years old. All this time I thought I was a garden gnome and it turns out I'm a super model... Rock On. I'd try out for the next cycle of ANTM, but I exceed the IQ maximum by 100 points. Guess I'll never be a superstar.

2007 Is the Year of the Moustache??

So last night I took out my friend Nanz for her birthday to Rodney's Oyster House which I love love love... It is one of my more favourite restaurants in Vancouver because whenever I'm there, I don't feel like I'm in the city. I feel like I'm away somewhere tropical & I can forget that it is pouring rain outside (although yesterday was gorgeous... cold & windy but gorgeous) and it also helps that food rocks (and last time I was there with Princess Nalini we spent the entire meal letching the waiter... sad but true).

Last night was insanely busy. We had to wait for about 10-15 minutes for a table when all I wanted to sit at the bar because it usually is the most fun but that too was jam packed. As I surveyed the crowd, I noticed at the front bar is Vancouver's own Tom Selleck look alike. (I'm not kidding, totally looks like him. Nanz commented that he knows it too and it apparently that makes 2 people in the world that can pull off that moustache. I think it's because they have the eyebrows to match.... balances out the hair).

I actually met Tom's Twin back in November at an anniversary party for Palladio, a jewellery store downtown owned by my friend. It was a pretty standard anniversary party. Wine was flowing, people were mingling and the jewellery was being offered at a discount to friends and loyal customers. Brutal herself was contemplating a watch that evening. Whilst standing at the counter, we started talking to Tom's twin who also was contemplating an $8000 watch. He was usure of the purchase so I looked at him and asked "What would Burt do?".... Don't know if he heard me but I was reluctant to REALLY yell that out. (Also because I ripped that line off from the movie 'Ed').

So Nanz and I giggled over our wine as I told her that story and also over the many things that we've been through together in our 24 year friendship. Both of us couldn't believe that we've known each other since our fateful meeting in the first day of grade three. Nor could we believe that it's gone by so fast.

I realized then that I have known her longer then I had known my own mother and for whatever reason felt I was without family unaware of the fact it is escaping me that I've known my dad & brother for some thirty *cough* years. (Yea, now I hide my age, if you've been paying attention at all you would have done the math... but Nanz IS older............. and a cougar. ha ha!).

Who writes this Stuff????

This is an excerpt from someone's bio regarding what they're looking for in a woman.

"CLEAN- means you have no diseases and that you shower regularly. It also means that you maintain body hair. I'm not a french fur trader out to hunt the biggest furiest beaver I can find. If you have hair that touches the indside of your thighs or ass and doesn't start from your head then this applies to you"

I don't know about you, but I never shower unless it's Thursday. I suppose shaving my head was also a mistake.

Recipe for Disaster

KILLER BUNNY:

151 Rum
Raspberry Stoli
Cranberry Juice

It's cute. It's pink. It sounds like it won't hurt you because of the cran but then grabs you by the ***** with the 151....


My friend, Princess Nalini, was very integral in developing this recipe... Now I just want to see her drink 5 of them & we'll call it a day.

Killer Bunny

After a conversation with Furniture Man: the sequal, we decided that a good name for a shot would be 'Killer Bunny'. That perhaps it should be pink but quite lethal. The problem that lies here... what are good combinations? I need help people.... come to my aid.

I think I need to unveil this for Easter.

My Many Nicknames.

You can now refer to me as either Tart, Poopan or Monique..... apparently I'm en français.

You're Out of Touch

It's Hall & Oats day in Philadelphia (don't ask why I know that)... How are you going to spend it?


Yesterday was St Patty's Day and managed to keep in theme that has been plaguing me this week.... would explain but that would take about 8 pages & I'm rather tired.

I Take It All Back...

So much for a new year & a new start. We all make resolutions. Maybe not at the start of a new year but when we forage into a new endeavor we all say the same thing to ourselves "this time will be different I'll....." (and you can fill in your own blank). Except it's not different. Nothing changes and it is the same all over again. Essentially it's the same sh*t different pile syndrome.

I actually am starting to hate this blog. Am starting to hate the repercussions of it. I can only say that if you had a problem with something that I wrote on here.... actually ask me about. You have to understand it is written tongue in cheek. I very rarely if at all express myself with any certain amount of sincerity. I am now mind you but rarely will I.

Anything that is truly personal, I tend to keep to myself. However, this has still come to bite me in the ass by more the one person. Whatever. If you don't have enough balls to confront me regarding an issue then that's your problem not mine. I don't have time for bull or bullshit so move along. Basically today, I'm pissed... I'm pissed off at a lot of people and mostly at myself because I've been sweating the small stuff as of late and in regards to this forum have feared and agonized what it is that I write. Worried about choices of words. Worried about situations I can speak of..... well screw it... it's your problem not mine.

I thought that me & my friends being in my 30's would yes, be old, but bring on a set of more mature people. When in fact, no but it's just that more disappointing because you expect more out of them. Maybe because I wouldn't treat someone that way. I like to think I have respect for others but it becomes sad when that is isn't reciprocated.

BUSH theme

I was about to read an article in McLean's entitled "Why are we dressing our daughters like skanks?" and I open the magazine & this is the first thing I see:

FRIDAY

Ever wake up still drunk & then have to go into work?................. Neither have I.



Here is your Ferrell Friday

UGH!!!!

The worst has happened. I have the TACKIEST clients in the world. If you recall, last week I was reluctant to get out of bed because I didn't want to work on this country logo that is not supposed to look country. Fine.... whatever. I did it. I racked my tiny brain & came up with not 1 but 22 suggestions... and what do they want? Only the ugliest fck'n thing ever. So much for catering to the client's needs. Someone needs to smack this bitch up....

Help me Tom Cruise, Help Jesus...... this just ain't no good.

Tuesday....

Nothing has happened. Nothing to report... (kind of a lie) but here's some picture of me doing Math to prove I've been pre-occupied. I've mastered counting to 5. I'm wearing the helmet as I'm honing my ninja skills. Ass kickings take practice although, I am pretty lethal. Chuck Norris better watch his back.

Contemplating A Career Change...

After long discussions with Shaloa today it was decided the best thing to tell people when they ask what I do is that I'm the author of my own Downfall... which pretty much does sum up this confusing series of drunk ancedotes.

I thought that was pretty good and was almost up there with being a ninja but true ninja's aren't allowed to tell people they are ninja's so I guess I'm just stuck dazzling them with my ultimate numchuk skills and my pogo stick maneuvering.

If you yourself are wondering if you too could be a ninja here are some basic ninja skills:



Blinding Powder
To make blinding powder tap a whole in the top of an egg and a whole in the bottom of an egg. Then blow out the egg yolkes and egg whites. Fill the egg with lots of peeper and possibly other powder such as baking soda. When someone is trying to catch you and you need to make a gettaway just throw the egg into their face. The pepper will get in their eyes and make it harder to see.

Warning: this might hurt someone's eyes so use caution.


Silent Entry
Okay so your a ninja and you need to break into some secret laboratory tos top teh evil genuis, or maybe a baby is stuck in a car. Either way a good ninja knows how to gain silent entry.

Method 1
Cover the entire window in duct tape. Then break the window. The duct tape prevents the window from making noise when it is broken, and also helps keep the shattered glass from getting all over.

Method 2
Follow someone else who is going into the same place and sneak in after they do. (this method is a little cliche and is also risky.

Method 3
Pick the lock. For tips visit:http://home.howstuffworks.com/lock-picking.htm

(this would have come in real handy last weekend... SEE.. not a ninja that combined with my lack of depth perception is holding me back from my true calling)

Method 4
This is by far the most-useless method. Just remove a section of the roof and jump into the building. Or you can mix method 4 with method 1 and duct-tape a skylite and jump into the house.



Why would one want to be a ninja you ask? Well, just explore these following career paths:

Here are some ninja careers.
Here are some careers you can do to use your ninja skills.


Thief
Let's face it Ninja skills are perfect for being a thief. But remember being a thief is illegal. So you shouldnt' do it. Thieving is a bad thing, it's immoral, and it gets you sent to jail.


Police Officer
Your ninja skils would help you become a great police oficer. I mean with all of your secret ninja training combined with police training you could be one of the most powerful, not to mention helpful, ninjas ever.


Private Investigator or Detective
Ninja training would give you all the sneakiness you would need to be a truly great private investigator or a great detective.

Who Said Romance is Dead?

I'm working on a brochure for my Hairdresser and in exchange, I get free haircuts. I think it's a good trade as it's something I would have to do anyways. I've done some bartering before and really, unless one uses the service, I'd rather take the money. I don't want to be convinced that I'll like something.

So on Saturday, I had a meeting with Hairdresser which ended in many tequila shots and an invite to Hawaii at the end of April (definite maybe). This, unfortunately is the way of many of our meetings. Hell, it's been the way of many of our haircuts too. She phoned her boyfriend around 7pm to let him know where she was and he retorted "I guess I'll see you tomorrow". I can't say it was that bad but I did manage to run away. Her phone call at 5am told me otherwise about her.

Her friend Jen joined us at our meeting as she was helping Hairdresser with some of the writing in her brochure and her cell phone went off indicating that she had a text message. They looked at eachother. Hairdresser asks "Has he contacted you again?". Jen replies no, but tells us that she had saved the text. Eager to know the gossip I ask what they are talking about.

Turns out, Hairdresser had given a haircut to her boyfriend's friend (We'll call him Mullet as that's the look that was fashioned) the week before and they decided to grab a drink when they were done. As they were walking down the street, they ran into Jen (which isn't unheard of. her salon is below Hairdresser's). They exchange introductions and go about their way. Jen had to take care of some things that night and didn't really have time to talk.

Mullet comments that Jen was kinda hot. Later in the evening after a couple of drinks, Mullet asks Hairdresser if he could text Jen. Thinking that she is the set up master, Hairdresser agrees & gives out Jen's phone number. This is what he wrote her:

"What I'd like to do is tie your left arm to your right leg and cut your panties with my knife..."

Honest to God, I fell out of my chair when I read that. Apparently, when Jen received that text, she was waiting at a bus stop and was worried that someone was watching her. Jen thanked Hairdresser for introducing her to a rapist & downed her shot of jager (wasn't ALL tequila).

I still have no idea what to say. I thought I had it bad as I received some whacked out letter on myspace last week that has me thinking I should disappear off the internet all together. After Yannod, I set my profile to private but that doesn't seem to deter the whack jobs. Here is a excerpt:

is realy a womderful feels i feel when i saw ur prety face with my eye...my heart was filled with the joy i have never had so far...and i believe u such a caring and wonderfull woman...well princess i look into ur eye and i see my days so brigther like the moon and stars that makes the eart.....well its really nice to meet a charming sweetie princess .like baby u such a darling just with the nice and smooth smile had on ur face all my ways are so awesome to have u in my life.....I just close my eyes because I might see your face. I just close my mouth because I might hear your voice. I just close my ears because I might hear of you, but I could not close my heart because I love you...and i would realy felt so good to...im my heart....If you're asking if I need you, the answer is forever. If you're asking if I will leave you, the answer is never. If you're asking what I value, the answer is you. If you asking if I love you, the answer is I DO.....I love you not because of anything you have, but because of something that I feel when I'm set me eye on you...i must say u the sweetiest angel i have ever seen in my life so far cos i need a family babe i will love to know if u are married ok i woke up this morning and say god bless u as u read my feelins ok ,,,,,,,,,cant wait to see ur prey msg ok love u angel.

Shaloa's only comment was that he must be a cyclops as he's looking at me with his eye. I really have no idea what to make out of either. I just wonder who said romance was dead?

YOU ARE CORRECT!

I changed the look of the blog... You're onto me.

FARRELL FRIDAY!!!!

Woo Hoo.... I've been waiting all week for this! So hard to pick... But I'm going with a Neil Diamond Theme Today... One is just a commercial (quick for those ACTUALLY working). The other IS the Neil Diamond Sketch... long (4:58) but FUH-NEE...

Forgot to Mention...

Jeff Cowan, the new starting centre for the Canucks is Vancouver's new Golden Boy. Not only did he score 2 goals in Sunday's game but managed to pick a fight with an opposing team mate that is 6'7 270lbs against his 6'2 185lb stature. It got the game going and we eventually beat Minnesota in a shootout but come Tuesday, against Tampa Bay, he got moved to the first line & scored 2 goals again..... insert cheap ass Puck Bunnies.

Puck Bunny: A girl who sleeps with Hockey Players... a hockey groupie if you will.

After his second goal, some girl threw her bra onto the ice... not my first choice but to each their own.

I love that during my bi-annual telephone conversation with my father yesterday, he actually asked if that was me.





Thanks.

I'm Famous

That's right. You're reading the blog of someone who made it on TV. Last night at the Canuck's game my arm managed to make it on the corner of the frame.... Think you recognized that green sweater? Yea... that was me. I'm a big deal.... hold your applause.

Actually, the camera man flashed in on Brutal. She WAS recognized and then inundated with text messages & phone calls. One of which that was from her dad who so eloquently said. "You must be wearing a good bra. Your boobs looked good."

Last night wasn't just awesome because I came into my fifteen minutes of fame but because I had a rockin' date (although Nic, I'm very disappointed you didn't put out. She turned fickle once she became famous...), Beer & SWEET SEATS.

Although, I never do complain at free seats no matter where they are but 3rd row kiddie corner to the away net is damn good. My dad had season's tickets for the longest time and so I used to go to quite a number of games. Then there were the times we'd sit in the BP box. Then the stint I worked at GM place & sat in many a box & Grill seats etc and even floor seats to Grizzly games (it was that long ago). I'm just saying you get accustomed to a certain way to view games.

It hasn't been until this past couple of years where I sat in the upper deck. Although still a good time, you forget how much better it is down front.

Oh, and in case you're wondering... we won..... can't wait for playoffs.

A Buddhist & a Catholic Walk Into a Strip Bar....

Have you ever spotted a tiny speck on the wall and can't decide if it is a mark or a bug so you continually stare at it waiting for it to move? Because you've stared at it for five minutes your eyes start playing tricks on you and you are convinced that Yes! it has moved.... when in fact no. No it hasn't... that's just dirt.

Welcome to my morning. Except I did that for probably half an hour. You wouldn't want to get out of bed either if you were trying to design a logo for a country station in LA that isn't allowed to look Country. No, in fact this is the one time, I'm given no real direction because country stations don't want to appear country so anything else in the world is acceptable. I was actually told the logo is to appear 'Orange County' which means nothing on me so I asked for clarification. I'm told Orange County is the Surrey of LA... awesome. I'll stick a mullet on the call letters & call it a day.

(If I've offended anyone out there... good. Means you're still reading)

I also think I'm still tired. Even though I was able to get into my apartment at a resounding 3:30 on Saturday, I wasn't able to sleep. I was way to wired up. The coffee I consumed didn't help either. No instead I laid on the couch in a fitful attempt to nap and watch Marie Antoinette.

I like Sophia Coppula but this movie, to me, didn't go anywhere. She filmed it like we all knew about Marie Antoinette but really how much do you know? I kept waiting for some massive climax but it ended with Marie leaving Versailles and that's that. (I paid money for this... I want to see heads roll... literally)

Anyways, I got off the couch & went to Yaletown Brew Pub to meet up with Stine, Shaloa & C-Hatch who was the one that called the meeting of the minds. After a couple of beers it was decided we just get a movie, some junk food & head over to K&D's (that's right crazy drunk Lawyer... I was there. BTW, WHAT is w/ the taxidermied cat on your mantle????). Aside from the quick stop at a pub, the whole thing felt very high school. A bunch of revved up chicks going to a friends house to watch a movie. It also helped that a passing jeep honked at us... nice to know we still have something if not it.

Once I snuggled up next to Stine, I was done. I didn't make it through "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" which is too bad because I was really enjoying the movie. (Robert Downey Jr & Val Kilmer were awesome... ) My falling asleep isn't a slag on any account but rather in my inability to be a machine. I told the girls I'd punch through but all it did was flail I suppose. Was probably for the best as I had kickboxing Sunday morning. It was during my class where I received a text from my Dutch friend asking me to go to the stripathon.

I was informed I passively mentioned it on this forum and seeing it is for a good cause, would I be interested in attending. They had helped out with their PR so they HAD to make an appearance in the very least and didn't quite want to do it alone. I figured it was better then Sunday night television so I agreed. However, when I received a text from Brutal saying her & 5D were down at Brown's watching the PPV game (the very same one I could have gone to with Train Wreck), I burst down there.

Now I was in a conundrum. Hockey or Naked Ladies..... what do you do? Both come with beer. Both are highly entertaining. So there was a compromise. Dutch friend met me at Browns & then we went to the stripathon AFTER the game. Ok, so it was 3rd period but damn those Nucks & their shootout wins... although, I'll take it tonight when I see it live with Brutal. Wahwahweewah... (little shout out to the DVD release of Borat).

ANYWAYS.... This is also why I was intoxicated. I had a couple of drinks before I left for the charity event only to be doubled up upon arrival. I was told I didn't HAVE to drink... yea I did. (that's for you Shaloa)

I was the one that insisted we sit front row. Which I was informed earned me big points... Ok, I don't get the same thrill out of 'exotic' dancers as guys would. I'll look at them and critique their hair. I know that they're naked so what's on top of their head is probably moot but that's where I'm looking. This time however, I wonder how many points I'd earn if I exclaimed, "Oh! I can do that" (what can I say, I could... ha ha!)

The last dancer had an Austin Powers shtick which was both weird & fun at the same time as she lip sync'd along to sayings that were interspersed throughout the song. I was told she seemed to like me. (I'm sitting front row... she wants $$. Of course, she likes me). However, I had to kind of agree with my friend because at the end of the show, she threw out laminated key chains of herself. How'd she know that was the one thing I was needing that day???

Anyways....

I think that everyone should totally have a few beers, hit a Stripathon, sit Gyno Row and then talk religion because it's really all about place & timing. It's even better when the person you're conversing with has an ex dancing in front of you at the time of said conversation.

Completely unrelated, I found out last night that Floor Drink (insert new blog character) once picked up a girl at a bar, took her home and as foreplay dragged her around his apartment by her hair. We all knew he was into some wierd shit but that my friend, takes the cake. I also wonder how hard that was seeing that he's into fat chicks because as he puts it, "They need love too". Apparently he is stronger then I ever gave him credit for.

Speaking of freak shows, I could have gone to the Canucks/Minnesota game last night (which for non-hockey fans is a big deal). However, that would have meant that I attended the game with Train Wreck. Since the whole talking embargo began, he hasn't relented trying to get me to speak to him. He has even included such weak attempst like texting me that he has presents or hockey tickets for me. The text about this game was the last one I have received. I think he has finally given up. (At least I hope so).

No, instead of attending the hockey game, I got to see Vancouver's finest ladies in a Charity event for Breast Cancer put on a by a group of 'exotic' ladies: The Stripathon down at the Drake............... and yes, I was drunk. Would you go down to Powell & Princess in sound mind? It is only located in the infamous downtown east side which has had a lot of public light shone onto it in recent months due to the famous Picton trial.

If I really wanted to explain why I was there, I should start at the beginning which is about 2:30 pm last Friday. Due to the amount that I've been working as of late, I was a tad burnt out Friday and just called it quits and rushed to the side of Brutal down at Cactus Club for 1 or 6 drinks. She was having some boy issues & put out the Bat Signal so Stale & I came and met her. While we were there, a guy that they partied with in Cabo came over to say hi. Not to be rude, Brutal & Stale tried introducing me to him. I comment that I had met him years before. He pauses and says, "yes, that's right..... you think I'm a pervert".

It's true... I do. (Just can't remember why though.)

Anyways, we parted ways around 6-630. Stale had to do some work & Brutal was off for a showdown so I was on drinking stand by. Seeing it was a friday around 7pm, I was not content to sit at home. I called around and a couple of people were doing odds & ends when my phone decides to die & would not recharge... So off to the mall I go to get it repaired. After being talked into upgrading to a blackberry (gotta say the new tech is fun), I just grabbed a movie & decided that the night was going to be a bust. Finally around 1045 I get the call to go out which was quickly followed up with another call stating "it's too late don't you think?" ... WHAT?? The fact that Brutal said that to me floors me. This is after all the woman that only 2 months prior asked me "What harm could come from having a couple of drinks" which I must say, ended with us in some weird illegal after hours with a 46 year old drug dealer but I digress.

Seeing as Joz texted me & also wanted to go out, I told them both to meet me at the Loose Moose & they did.... This is where it really begins because it's about here where I start having our waitress bring shots to our table. When Cully & Tina showed up.... it got even more interesting as Tina & Brutal took off to Doolins (shocked I didn't follow) No, instead, I followed Cully & Joz to the one place I vowed I'd never return BUT in my defense I was out that night supporting friends. Cully too broke up with his GF & was sad & VERY drunk... and once we were in the bar, he kept insisting that we coat check... Finally annoyed at the pleading, I just said "fine!" and threw my coat at him (insert foreshadowing).

I can't decide if that was my pivotal mistake or if making the conscious decision at 230am to get really hammered was... but both were not in my best interest. You see, my dutch friend has been trying to meet up with me for some time now & I informed DF that I was at the Roxy so they came & met me. DF was every bit a part of the getting really hammered game plan. So much so that DF started off the marathon with a couple of vodka shooters.

I'm sorry, but that's disgusting. It's a good thing the jager was there to kill the taste. You know a shooter is bad when jager is a sweet welcome into your throat.

Joz & Cully both f'd off (or at least that's how I remember it... I after all was on a mission) but not before Cully almost gets his ass kicked (not at all surprising... I have picked him up from the hospital in the past). No, we saw someone we knew with his buddies in the back room of the Roxy. It's here that Cully decides to roughouse me a bit. I fight back a tich & that's that. He then walks past one of the dudes & taps him on the cheek. Guy is about to freak out. Nicholaus is about to freak out. I am really wondering why their egos would want to get into a fight over THAT when they inform they don't like how my boyfriend treats me. After I thew up in my mouth a little, I inform them, that Cully is not my boyfriend to which they reply "oh, that's ok then". Apparently, it's ok to hit me as long as you're not in love with me.

Anyways, Dutch friend & I decide to continue drinking.... so off to their place it was and all the belgian beer you could drink.. or at least until you pass out. It's not my fault, I was given a comforter, had SNL put on and cheese bagels made for me... DF on the other hand melted cheese in a bowl & ate that.... yes.... with their fingers..... um.. ew. (not the deluxe dinner I had made for me a few weeks ago which I must say am still loving)

When I wake in the morning, all I can think is... get home... get in bed before hang over really kicks in. This couch isn't doing it for me anymore. My friend is only a couple of blocks from my house which isn't a problem. The problem was however the lack of keys I possessed... yea.. I lost my keys.. No idea where.. at their place? at the moose? at the roxy??? yea.. nothing. It's 9am, downtown & I'm stranded. I go up to the moose & peek in the windows... nothing.. I go up to the roxy & talk to dude who is hosing down the street. (he looked oddly familiar in a REALLY creepy way) and he told me to come back later that day. Right before my phone died AGAIN, I spoke to Joz & Stine.. at least I knew they were up so I headed over there.

I spoke to Brutal online & she said she'd buy me breakfast & charge my blackberry seeing as my morning was nothing but "Coming up Milhouse". Was relieved to get some normality back in my day until I couldn't find her place. It's about here where I should mention that I'm still drunk. Joz told me I sounded it on the phone & was wondering why the freaky people on Granville were saying hi to me. I said hi back because well, I'm currently homeless & may as well not make enemies with my new neighbors.

I also wondered if it was because I looked freaky.... and yes, I did. When I finally looked in a mirror, I noticed my make up smeared across my cheek (not much as stine pointed out). I was relieved that I was wearing normal clothes & not the normal bar star outfit I tend to flash when I go out. However, I got lost when walking to Brutal's place from Stine's. I always think that Brutal lives on 11th when it is 12th in fact so I'm pacing up & down the street unable to find her apt. I did look on 12th but the crack in my system made me fail to see her apt bldg. I finally started asking strangers on the street to use their phone.... and yes it's 12th.. I won't find it on 13th.. super.... off to her place I go.

She bought me brunch & divulged that she drunk dialed the night before but woke in horror around 8am at that prospect so quickly texted him the following to try & smoothe things over:

"Please ignore that phone call last night. A midget stole my phone. Midgets are really inconsiderate."

I think it's brilliant. In fact, as Shaloa points out, it works in may instances... "Sorry I didn't call you back.. a midget stole my phone" etc...

But I finally got into my apartment around 330pm after I called a locksmith to pick my lock. So I'm glad that I stayed in town this weekend to save a little money and not take off to Vegas or Calgary as once planned. Because wasting money on a new FOB and locksmith was much more worthwhile.

***to be continued***

So Many Things.....

Have I mentioned my love for shoes? Have I mentioned that I don't just love them but am pretty much obsessed with them. I've even done art projects centered around my love of shoes (yes, I did an 8 foot drawing of a shoe montage when I was in school... the drawing was ok.. the actual composition lacked somewhat & would love to do it over but I have a life now you see... or not really, I blog). The question remains... how many is too many shoes?

The problem that I am starting to face is that I no longer have any more storage room for my first love. At last count, I owned well over 30 pairs probably nearing 40 in fact (and I just rid myself of a few). Which I have yet to believe is too many.... when I pass 100 we can start talking.

No, I don't wear all of them. Some are either painful, old or from a bridesmaid melee. This has been brought on because just last night, I bought 2 new pairs of shoes. I actually went into the store because I've been eyeing this hot red pair of stilettos that unfortunately didn't fit. I should also mentino I kinda resembled a hooker (which really hasn't ever stopped me before). While I was strutting around the store (oh, and I catwalk), I spotted a pair of Deisels & a pair of sketchers that I just HAD to have (I walk a lot, these are practical)... so out the credit card comes.... Just in the fall I bought 5 pairs when I hit Bellingham... I can't stop.

SO! my new month's resolution is that I can not wear the same 2 pairs of shoes in a row (unless it's runners as they are utilitarian).

But unfortunately for me, my shopping will not end as I need to replace a pair of black strappies that I seemed to have ruined this past new years.... as BFF put it "Leanne rocks because she was arrested"

FOR the record and despite what Princess Nalini's drunken voice message says..... I was NOT arrested.

The police were just being friendly. I mean Vegas is a tourist town. They just wanted to know my name, where I was from & my social ins number because they're keeping up foreign relations not because some crazy chick was gunning for my head.... I'm just saying.

It could also be one reason I'm hesistant to come down there. BFF is over her mono & good to go. If I got into that much trouble before... Good Lord.. what would happen this time??? Nor can my well-being handle another event like that night. I managed to rip up not only my leg & hand but my shoes too.... I can't afford another 10 pairs.

So I'm sitting at my desk pretending to work when "My Sharona" by the Knack comes across my iTunes which can only conjur up one image in my head. Will Ferrell being Janet Reno in Janet Reno's dance party. Every time I hear that song that is what goes thru my head and then him/she punching Rudy Guilani in the head... so good.

Side bar: Speaking of punching in the head, is it me or are the models on ANTM getting dumber with each passing cycle?

Anyways, in lieu of Blades of Glory opening at the end of this month, I'll post Will Ferrell clips on fridays for your viewing please because 1: they're funny and 2: I don't have to think of something to say. I am trying hard though to find the Janet Reno dance party clip. I can't share this pain alone.



and

Double Dose Thursday...

I've just finished reading Brutal's post today and she cites a problem of over thinking which made me feel better because I thought I was the only woman that did that. Turns out, there is an epidemic going around that should be entitled "Get over yourself. It turns out it's not all about you..."

I'm still a little annoyed today as reflected in my earlier post... It's just rude. I mean Snow?... in MARCH??? Damn you La Nina and your cold front. I love how the warm weather front is El Nino (male) and the cold front is a La Nina (female). Why is the woman the buzz kill? Last time I checked, men weren't having too much fun without the womens around & in fact veer away from said sausage fests.... Well, that is unless your golfing but that's for another joke another day.

I had my innaugural 5th Season Bobbleheads meeting the other night and although a lot of things were not decided upon, one thing we could agree on is that sex sells and therefore any parties we put on going forward will be blatently advertised with such.

Some themes we are pondering for the upcoming season are:
• Golf Pros & Tennis Ho's Part II. (Part I was so successful that 2 years later we are still getting people asking us when we are hosting one again)

or

• Dirty Doctors & Naughty Nurses (I'm all over this. I have a great dress to wear)... It's time for your annual physical

or

• School Disco (which is actually supposed to center around a theme of chicks dressed up as naughty school girl. The actual name of the party would have to be addressed at a later date and they way things are going should just be entitled... Come look at our Drunk Slutty Girls or Slutty Girls, Short Skirts... Bring your Loonies)

Anyways, it was decided that last year's party theme of the prom didn't go over as well. To draw a bigger crowd it should have been called Tuxedos & Prom Ho's..... apparently a winning concept needs to center around the word 'Ho' as low attendence proved that no one wants to bother with a complicated costume if it covers skin.

BUT this does bring me back to my original statement. Women aren't buzzkills. One slutty party theme brings slutty girls which brings guys which brings more girls & more guys will come again (and I'm trying to be blatent in the pun there).

I mean if La Nina was such an apt name then why do have Jack Frost or Frosty the SnowMAN? Guess La Nina just doesn't put out but the other two. What couple of Pervs if I ever saw them. Frosty is made up of a couple of lumps of a coal & a carrot... Yea, I see what you're doing with that & I don't appreciate it.... Annnnnnd Jack Frost. Why exactly are you nipping at my nose anyways? are you just clumsy & missed my mouth? Yea, I can see why they made the cold front a women, men just mix it all up.

WTF

There are 2 things I thought I knew

1: It doesn't snow in Vancouver in March
2: Men are consistently inconsistent

I'm wrong only about one of those statements.