The Internet Is For Porn...

Let's say you meet a guy who seems nice, you chat, you get along, you agree to meet for a drink... You tell me..... what is wrong...

Let's start with his name. Igor... his name was Igor.... which in Russia is a common as Mike but we're not there. I DID know this going into the date. I would like to think I am not so bad to NOT go out with someone because of their name but I think I might start. He unfortunately got the wrong end of the stick. His younger brother's name is Dave which I found funny for more then one reason.

Oh! Side Bar: got stalked by train wreck the other night. Yes, he's acquired a new car & insisted on sitting outside my bldg until I came to the balcony to view it. I would like to say it was very Romeo & Juliet except in this version, Romeo's a Freakin' Lying Sack of Crap & can't string together two sentences nevermind poetry... Toot! Toot! The bitter train is coming is strong today!

No but at dinner, he inquired to what I do... I never realized so many people out there have no idea what graphic design is. The follow up question is generally: "computer?" To which I never know how to answer ... isn't it PRETTY common practice in any profession these days that people use a computer so why you ask me that I don't know...

I think I may start telling people I dog walk but dog walkers are freakshows you meet online & then try & j*k off to you via web cam, so nevermind.

Toot! Toot!

So after explaining that I design things like logos using computer programs, I ask him to further explain what he did; internet marketing. Yes, through our talks he explained he works for himself at home. I was starting to think I have a thing for guys that run online businesses when he drops that actaully he owns his own porn site....

Right.So what you're saying is I CAN'T use you for search engine optimization? No... he just sticks to the "host & post" part of things. Apparently, he's got a few, they're huge & well known... HEY if that's not porn, I don't know what is.

I don't know if me killing myself laughing was appropriate because I could only think of two things right then... 1: Nanz (who's convinced that EVERYONE in Vancouver is in the sex industry somehow) and 2: How I'm going to write about it.

So I ask him what sort of things are you into for fun... he goes on to tell me he's one of the top tennis players in BC and I could only finish that sentence off in my head "who sells porn".

I've been told this is going to be our new game for the weekend... finishing off every sentence with "Who sells porn..." as me & about 20 people are headed up to whistler for what will be no doubt a GIANT GONG SHOW... Help me Jesus! Help me Tom Cruise! I'm bringing the limbo stick... I hope I come back alive.

**CORRECTION NOTICE**

K.. upon receiving scads of emails & re-reading my last entry, I realized that I made it sound like I had some sordid affair at the Wedgewood Hotel.... People, do you honestly think if I had a sordid affair at the Wedgewood Hotel, I would only allude to it!!! Hell no.. nothing happens in my life.. for crying out loud the latter half of the post was about my friends' hangovers..... no trust me, I'm boring hence the title of the blog.

But like I'd tell you in this forum if something sordid DID happen....

nice try... keep guessing.

Winter Wonderland

I am not a fan of snow.... well, I'm not a fan of the snow in Vancouver BUT will be the first to admit I've liked it these past couple of days. Normally, I only like it in it's proper place, like on a mountain.

For all those that hate it, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret... I know why it snowed... in November... in Vancouver. K.. just before I let you in on this, I want to let you know that it NEVER snows in Vancouver in November. For crying out loud sometimes we can go an entire winter without any of the white stuff so why it has decided to dump now is beyond me ... that is til I got the text today around 11:30 am:

Fly home today!!! Get in about midnight....

Yes, Sammie comes home today from working in the Caribbean for the past 8 months so OF COURSE it's snowing.... good luck with THAT transition.

HMMMM... so it's Monday and I would REALLY love to recap the weekend for you but that would of course require me remembering the weekend... (I do... just wish I didn't)

I have to say going to the Wedgewood Hotel on Hornby and sitting in the Piano bar Saturday night was one of the highlights. It just brought in the Christmas mood. The snow (then softly falling) helped too.... See below.. we sat behind the piano which you can sort of see on the left side.


(btw, the snow finally stopped falling sometime around 4 today.. get back to me around Thursday to ask if I still think it's 'loverly'.... side bar: yes, loverly not lovely)

SO weekend... yea! I want to say it was good and for the most part it was.. Saturday was interesting for many many many reason. None of which I can tell you unless you are prepared to pay 4.99/min. So I'm tight lipped which within the context of this paragraph could be taken the wrong way (ba doom shhh... yes, thank you.. I'm here all week... I am never above low brow humour. It's probably more accurate to say that I spend too much time 'under' it. Seriously... I could keep going... see again.. right there.. k.. I'll stop it's on the brain.)

One giant revelation told to me this weekend is that my friends have realized that they also do not have any sort of filter when they are hung over...

It's a phenomenon that I like to call The Spare Generator syndrome. Let me break this down for you. Your body just took a beating the night before (this could be both figuratively & literally). Well, it's now running on only the most necessary elements... blinking, breathing, depending the hangover... movement. Thinking usually takes a back seat and well, THE FILTERS ARE OFF... do you ever hear yourself talk the next day? Not only do you sound like a sailor but absolutely EVERYTHING is hilarious (which is also attributed to the case of the dumbs).

I just know that on any given day, I try not to swear (hard to believe I know but I figure I'm creative enough to look for other ways to get my point across... I find such terms as Ditch Pig, Pig Tits or Heinous Sack of Crap to be incredible insults to the taker.) BUT wow... I'm impressed at the amount of times I do say Fruck, or hear the words that roll off my tongue. On a good day, I speak on a 1 second delay allowing the sentence to run through my head first however, when I'm hung, it's more about a 10 second delay in the other direction... I'm pretty sure I've told jokes that I later understood.

BUT, unfortunately, it's those moments where I wish I had a camera follow me around because let me tell you.... I'm gold.

I'm calling it now...

I stated it on Wednesday to Shaloa & I'm making it publicly known now.

2007 is going to be The Year of the Moustache.

Jesus' Brother Bob

I love going out in the middle of the week. I used to go out 7 nights a week in my younger years but then again, I worked in the mall so my thinking requirements were at a mininum. But going out in the middle of the week is like playing hooky from school... you really shouldn't be having this much fun on a Wednesday... and last night I partied like it was the start of a long weekend.... here's to Big Wednesday.

The problem with Big Wednesday is I have not only one day of work to get through but 2..... ugh! kill me.

Last night was the Philosopher Kings Concert. I've said it before and I'll say it again..... there are 2 panty removers in the world: Gin & them..... so fruckin' hot... love them! So glad that I didn't go with a date.... nooooooo that would be silly! Why date when you can drink and 'think' you're funny to the point of hilarity? because let me tell you... I was ON FIRE... oh yea.. I'm one fuh-nee girl.

May be it's the way I started out my night. Last night was also my friend, Joooooohhhhnnnneeeee Laaaa-rooooooooo's surprise 40th birthday at La Bodega (a personal favourite.. Spanish Tapas) Anyways, we're sitting at a table and across from me is a pretty funny guy who jokes that you have to be somewhat memorable for him to remember your name (written out, that seems like an obvious statement but the implication was you should 'stand out') and he furthered the joke by shaking our hands & mis-pronouncing our names... (OK, so it sounds lame on here but stay with me.) Mark jokes with me... "Leanne, you could make YOUR impresion".. haha... yea.. yuck it up... Must I remind everyone I'm not easy... I'm "approachable".

Anyways, the night continues and as I'm sitting there talking to him, it occurs to me... I've made out with this guy! HS! ... I've totally made out with him. So now it's running through my head: Dude, you better remember my freakin' name.

So now I'm staring oddly at him which probably made him uncomfortable and perhaps why he switched seats but not before I was able to ask: Did you ever sing a song called "Jesus' Brother Bob"? to which he replied... "where have you heard me play that?" he mumbled. (for the slow: that night we had been at the Park Royal Pub where D&D were playing. The tongue bandit in question stepped in to sing the one song.)

So I'm convinced he forgot. Bell arrives looking hot, sits down across from me & beside him. I texted her what's going on because I'm dying and must divulge this funny secret. She busts a gut and gave me a thumbs up. All 3 of us are chatting when he casually mentions that I may have made out with him at one point.... YES!!!! you remember. Thank-you, that's all I want.... validation. Yes, ladies & gentlemen....I am THAT good. ha ha.

To my credit, that was sooo long ago... How long? you ask. That little stunt took place when I still owned a car! I remember, because afterwards, I drove him home... yea.. über hot. I'm your little transportational vixen.

After dinner it was off to the concert where I met up with Little Miss Prudham, her date & about 3 or 4 beers. Some guy we'll name "gut buster"met up with me at the Commadore. I dont' think i like him he over laughs at everything I say. I know I'm funny but not everything out of my mouth is a knee slapper. I met him back in June and both of us were supposed to attend the concert with dates that couldn't make it so we had a small rendez vous. Gut buster wasn't ready to call it a night after the concert, so we went to the Granville room for a drink. It's around this time that I think it's a great idea to start drinking gin martinis. (my martini of choice: dry gin martini... 2 olives... thanks.. I'm sure it will be waiting for me friday nite)

This is actually normal behaviour for me because the drunker I get, the harder my alcohol starts to become. I have been known in the past to 'slow down' with a double jack on the rocks.
(the logic being, I'm now sipping my bevies)

Gut buster insisted on walking me home which I wasn't prepared for. Let's face it, if I just imbibed in 2 of the biggest panty removers (Gin & P-Kings) & I still don't want you to touch me, you ain't doing sumpin' right.

Also wanted to ditch gut buster because I got a call from another friend letting me know they're drunk, they're on Granville & they're ready to party. I failed to connect with them as I passed out on my couch sitting up while holding my phone in my hand. Probably a good thing as that would have turned into one GIANT train wreck. Actually our phone calls were pretty painful in itself... he'd call & leave a msg... I'd call 2x back... no answer... he calls... leaves message... I call 3x back. So my thinking was if I just held the phone in my hand I won't miss the call. Yea.. no... he phoned me a total of 16x and left me 4 phone messages. (and don't go there... it's not one of THOSE phone calls.... it's a purely alcoholic to alcoholic emergency). I found out this morning that je THOUGHT he was on Granville street but was in fact near his house in the heart of Kits... way to stay in tuned with your surroundings buddy!

**this just in... email from Bell stating she's JUST driving home now...** Shit... is there anyone that DIDN'T party last night?

Big Wednesday: I salute you.

Happy Birthday Sam....

Hey random Sam girl.. Happy Birthday.. I don't know you but understand that you read this blog... (good times).. but you're friends with Charlene and that works for me.

This reminds me that in just 5 short days, my own Sammie is coming home!!! Not for good (still not happy about that but she managed to buy my love by dangling a free cruise around the mediteranean ) but she will be back on Canadian Soil for a couple of months. However, seeing as she is the WORST person to nail down & confirm plans, I am still only guessing that she is coming in on the 27th.

I'm sure she'll just show up on my doorstep, 8 million bags in tow (she is a shopper) grinning & ready to go.

I always say she's my bad influence (yes, I too have a bad influence) However, a girl named Sandra from Victoria we met in Spain will argue that Sam is the lovely one and it is I that is the Devil (her exact words)....

Hey man, just because I got you drunk on shooters, hooked us up with 15 young spanish guys from the west coast, averted a bad Girls Gone Wild Spanish Style, got us into 3-4 bars for free (note to self: don't yell out "this is a gay bar" right when the music dies) & finally managed to get you together w/ some random french dude does NOT make me a bad influence.... I call it being on vacation.

It's not so much that Sam's a bad influence on me but rather doesn't say No to me. She doesn't serve as my conscious as so many friends feel they need to do. Although, I give credit to DAO for not letting our friend, Bell hook up with a guy in wrangler jeans.... good save.

Our goings on are more like this:

"Sam, Should I have this 5th Jager Bomb?"..."Why are you so slow? I'm on my 7th".

"Should we jump in this car & drive to Seattle for breakfast?"... "I have the keys"

You know... stuff like that (k... I am giving the paired down edited version but you know... this is a family show) I will say this... in our older age, we have calmed down somewhat and are more & more opting for a 'quiet' evening in.... which is good for the first night ;)

Leanne Doesn't Share Food....

It's true I act like every meal is my last... or at least when I'm eating my favourite things.... cheese or potatoes.. or even better: potatoes WITH cheese.... hmmm. OH ! and sour cream.

I remember one time, I had a hankering for a nice glazed salmon & asaparagus when one night we all decided to pile down to Earls. Lo and behold what is the special on the menu? but that very dish... (by the way... how long has that been a featured menu item.... like 9 years now? Way to change it up Earls)

I was so excited about my meal that when the plate was presented to me, my mouth was salivating with anticipation. BUT before I could have that first sweet bite, a fork came zooming down out of nowhere & devoured a good chunk of my fish!!!!! WTF? Yea... it was Shiraz trumping the one thing I was craving more then anything else... Eight and a half years later, I'm still bitter. So next time, you want to steal a fry... you think about it first. ;)

Since I'm bitching, I may as well make mention of the fact that when I would go over to his place & he made dinner, he would NEVER offer me any. The one time I took some, I got a good tongue lashing.... whatever.

I sit back and wonder sometimes why we didn't work out. BTW, remember the one question you always asked me? The answer is yes... you are. If you can lift your stomache it's time cut the carbs.

BUT it seems everyone is on a health kick. I have one friend going through a detox which she attributes to the inability to phone me back. I have another friend trying to lose a couple of pounds before the holiday gain. Another friend has recently started to feel slothish which I can relate to... makes me wonder if I should really do something or at least share my food? I was pondering this last night over a glass of wine & a bag of coffee crisps (not a good combination for the digestive track let me tell you... )

Here's what I vow to do... Less cheese and more vegetables (right after I make it to the market). Less caffine (right after I finish this starbucks) and more water (once they advise it's ok to drink it) and more running (only when it's not raining.. it's been icky lately). AND yea.... we'll see how that goes for a while & if it starts to work, I'll adopt more healthy choices.. I don't want to do anything tooooo hasty... because before you know it, I'll be cooking and well, we don't want that.

BTW.. I'm having a mini meltdown today so if you happen to be strolling over the Cambie Bridge & see clumps of hair along the way... it's mine. No need to worry.

To Waste or Not Waste Your Time....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately which really isn't a new thing seeing as I'm a Virgo and one of our character traits is to analyze.....

I like to dish out advice and help a friend whenever it is possible but for some reason whenever it comes to myself I'm about a thick as a brick. I don't listen to myself, others nor my intuition. I make excuses for others & hope that if I want something enough, it will all work out. I always think that I give up to quick, that I need to excercise some patience, or what have you... but lately some things have been coming in loud & clear... I sell myself short and not just sometimes.... a lot of the time. I know I'm not the only one that does that... it's pretty human nature especially for women.

But recent events have become eye openers for me and for the first time feel like I'm really figuring out what is I need & want. I always comment that when I was 16, I seem to have it all figured out. I had a pretty good sense of self, I was driven, motivated & got what I wanted, nor did I take BS. I admired that about myself & wish that I could bring some of those characteristics back.

Now I feel those traits were never gone ... they just got pushed aside for a while.... but figuring out what you want, what your standards are and what you will put up with, all help. If you believe in that then everything else falls into place....

I know what I want & it's not you.

Saw my first dead rat this morning.... could have done with out that.

GOD FORBID!

Shaloa just asked me "Could you imagine if there was a beer shortage?" NEVER.. NEVER could I imagine... Seriously, I wonder what would be become of us if there wasn't any more beer.. perish the thought.

BAD SHALOA... BAD BAD BAD!

But it's Friday (yey!) and I think we need to dissect Grey's Anatomy. Love the show and like any show I watch, I start to despise most of the characters on it after some time (don't know why but they all characters bug me after a while even if it's my most favourite show)... However.. I don't hate everyone on this show.....

LOVE:
Christina (Sandra Oh): She's consistently cold & pragmatic while being loving at the same time.
Dr Bailey (Chandra Wilson): You just don't fruck with her & she coined the term "Stop looking at my VA-JJ."

ON THE FENCE
Burke (Isaiah Washington): loved him.. but this "my hand doesn't work" storyline is making him wishy washy & I hate that in a character
Karev (Justin Chambers): An ass... although...... hot. (having a hard time getting the image of him as Massimo from "The Wedding Planner" out of my head.)
George (TR Knight): WAS hating him but this new surgence of confidence is making me love him a bit more... guess getting srewed figuratively & literally by Merideth worked for him
Addison (Kate Walsh): was loving her .. She's was supposed to be the bitch but you just can't hate her. I loved when her marriage was over, she came to the Chief to say: I need a day off to drink. However, what is with all the sex face puckering she was doing last night? THAT bugs me.
McSteamy (Eric Dane): He's a whore... he's a whore with manicured facial hair... He's a manicured whore.

HATE:
Izzie (Katherine Heigl): I hate to break it to you.... Denny sucked & well, I'm glad you killed him off now get over it & get some scrubs that fit your chest
Merideth (Ellen Pompeo): I really don't care about you anymore.... You're annoying & your voice is annoying. Your face looks bloated & like you had a mishap with some self tanner... Why do you look dirty? Perhaps also make up should look into less conditioner for your hair... it isn't your best quality... Squinchy Rene Zelleweger face isn't working for you either... You should have picked the VET!
McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey): um.................. no. He will never buy my love.

NO OPINION
Merideth's Mom & the Chief.... it seems too just thrown in there & well, you need a chief of surgery in every hospital

BUT this season is winding up to be bla. The aftermath of Izzie killing her soul mate, George in love, Merideth picking who she wants to be with, has played itself out. We're now left with everyone looking at each other wondering what the other is up to. The only character on the show with any balls is the homeless doctor that George bedded. She's a bit too "I wear leather" for me but she's got guts.

AND can I say the most awkward scene of the evening was Merideth & McDreamy in the bath tub.... first of all... why were they in the tub?... Great, they're intimate... but couldn't we just see them cuddling, walking down the street holding hands? Perhaps making some dinner together?

The thing about that scene is that it doesn't look like they want to be there. And I'm sorry but when did someone decide that taking baths together was romantic.. it is ... IF YOU FIT.. and there's jets.. and candles... Not some flourescent, 80 year old pedestal foot bath tub... no no no... Their hair wasn't even damp in any way... her hair wasn't pulled back & they were sitting up right... JUST WEIRD.

Guess I have no choice but to drink beer all weekend.

This water debacle is starting to wear on my nerves. How am I supposed to get up early & come into work if I can't get any freakin' coffee.... Yes, people, Vancouver is under a boil water advisory. What I find interesting is that the water was disgusting yesterday as well & I managed to get not 1 but 2 tall vanilla non-fat lattés (I'm being descriptive in case the day comes to which you want to buy me a coffee. In which case, that is what I drink). These were not simultaneous of course.. but I drank the GVRD water yesterday & am alive to talk about it and I'm pretty sure the vegtables I consumed were washed under the tap...

What I'm saying is: I'm still alive.

and am grateful I live downtown. I was just talking to my friend yesterday about the good ole days I lived in Tsawwassen. Where I grew up specifically seemed to be on its own electrical grid and we lost power about once a month. Ooops the wind shifted.. lose power. Oops... a rain drop fell... lose power.. I was just grateful we had a gas fireplace so we never really froze our tootsie's off too bad. Granted, I saw my share of trees thru roofs but the rest of the town would be functioning as per normal but we'd be forever in the dark. I don't miss that.

No, but downtown you hardly notice the effects of the storm like you do in the outlying areas. I'm not saying that the sun shines specifically on my street but everything seems just a little less severe over here. We get less snow, it's warmer, less wind (unless you get in one of the wind tunnels)... but we do have rats (haven't seen one, but was informed of which last night) Thank god I'm a 17th floor vixen. I want to move less and less every day.

Vain in Vancouver

In the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" Rosie O'Donell says to Meg Ryan
"You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie"

And you know.... I totally do too becuase no matter what battle or strife the characters face, they always get a happy ending.

This week, I keep getting asked, "What's going on?" "Have you talked" and well, no because I'm not dating someone from the movies... those happy endings just don't happen in real life... It's not like the man is going to show up at your door and exclaim "let's make this work!" or give some sort of explanation to their bizarre behaviour (we also don't order food in a restaurant have the waiter disappear to only reappear with said entrées... and while on that topic... It bothered me that Friends ALWAYS got the couch in Central Perk).

Even Sex in the City has the happy ending... didn't they finish the series off w/ a smile? Carrie ended up with Big, Miranda was married to the bartender (baahr-ten-dah), Charlotte got her asian baby & even Sam found love..... WHAT? As far as I'm concerned, that show is a complete let down... I revelled in the mess to which they called their lives. It just leaves me to ask the question: Where is my perfect bow?

I want to create a movie where nothing gets resolved that he actually is a fruck-wad and you're just left wondering.. HUH? what does all that mean? what is the point? I'm sick of the movies where the emotionally stunted man comes out of his shell because that one special woman manages to challenge him or breaks his heart... This propaganda of hope must stop. It just doesn't happen. In real life, you settle.. you make it work, you put up with or deal... WOW... can anyone smell the bitter train I'm coming in on ???

However, I'm still waiting for that one show where it DOESN'T work out & there IS no explanation... you show me that & I'll show you... um.. well, nothing. I ain't got anything.... sorry.

Unfortunately....

The entry that I wrote all of an hour or so ago (see below), was scrambled & wandering... sorry.. I did have a point today but got side tracked with work of all things!!!! no, i was working up a good rant & a half in my head after a long dialogue w/ Princess Nalini about none other: Men.

Such a great topic for hours of discussion an on many levels. I love that I'm friends with all sorts of successful women: Lawyers, Designers, IT professionals, Marketing Magnates, Entrepeneurs etc.... but what do we end up discussing more often then not? men and the grief they cause us (and happiness too but let's face it a good date isn't a cause for consuming 2 bottles of wine) .

NEWEST THEORY:
Much like Valentines day is to the greeting card industry, Men are the fabrication of the wine/junk food industry (I'm sure there are others out there that are part of this conspiracy).... It all ties together you see... There are men, they cause us grief and we go out to drink a bottle of wine (or 4). We get hung over, eat bad food the next day and therefore feel fat. We then rush to work out, diet, take pills (diet pills.. I'm not talking Percocet), spend more money on clothes, cosmetics & salons to feel better about ourselves so that we may attract the "right" type of men to only be disappointed yet again by our latest find even though all of those magazines & their quizzes told us otherwise and we are left right back where we started... at the bottom of a good bottle of merlot....

If Coke invented Santa, I think Jackson Triggs invented the metrosexual.

Yes, I'm a bad blogger....

Yes... I'm a bad blogger... it's been days since a post which is a long time considering I post almost daily but to my credit, I have been QUITE busy both figuratively and literally.

The weekend flashed by in one giant whoosh leaving me with unanswered questions. Course it would help if I had bothered to ask them at the time but one thing about myself aside from my loudness is that I'm pretty delayed. It usually takes me a good day, day and a half for things to sink in. Which can be good in an emergency as I can aid in any help without being phased but bad as when the finality of circumstance does sink in, most people have moved on & really don't care to hear my quipping.

IF any of that made sense to you... bravo cuz I stopped paying attention about half way thru the first sentence. I also want to say I'm not ALWAYS loud. Yes, my persona is giant & I can boom across a room. However, I do have what some would even call a "sweet" voice that I usually pull out for customer service people or when I want to get my own way. It sometimes shocks people & has recently been pointed out to me on a couple of occasions recently. I don't know what some of you out there think of me (and frankly don't care) but I do manage a day to day existence without pissing off multitudes or be thrown in jail.....

AGAIN.. I don't know what I just wrote. WHAT I do know is that I just added a new link to my side... In case you've never looked, there are links on the side there. Two are to a couple of other blogs.... Brutally Honest is usually good for a chuckle.. she's no longer with us though as she was kidnapped along with all the other good looking people of earth. Special K likes to wax poetic. You have my relay team page & the latest edition: Lainey Gossip which apparently is a local gal educating us on factual/not so factual happenings of celebrities. I like her because she is biased and that makes for a more interesting read.

K... so back to more material factors at hand.. My weekend consisted of parties, martinis & football... AND BORAT!!!!!!! I liked that movie. I did spend a better part of it with my mouth hanging open & really didn't know what to make of it at the time but I do find it hilarious that everyone is trying to sue him for being mislead. I am finding it REALLY hard to think those frat boys don't think like that and wonder if the person in the closing sequence was in on the joke (be funnier if they weren't).


SO to recap:
Me...
Good in emergency's. Bad in post partum..
Good to customer service. Bad in every other situtation
Good with alcohol. Bad with hangovers.
Good with overthinking situations. BAD with getting to the bottom of it in the first place

Yes, I believe self actualization is just around the corner... I'll keep you posted.

All My Ex's Live in Texas

I think George Straight was on to something when he wrote that song. At least he knew where all his were and could avoid them. They're not out, they're not milling around, they're not phoning you to go for a drink... no they've fallen off the face of the earth where they belong.

I've never dated anyone from that state.... well, that's not completely true but they don't live there now. What I really wish for besides the 1 million dollars and the coke is that you could round up all your ex's and put them in a box & mail them away. We'll call it the the ex-mate relocation program. When you break-up, the circumstances are reviewed & the person in the wrong is shipped off far away & never heard from again. Then you can live your life peacefully.....

It's a pipe dream really. May be it'd be easier to change my phone number but I had cards printed.

Yarrrr..... i mean.. yuuuuuck.

Recently, I was worried that I was actually starting to run out of things to talk about on here (god forbid) but no, I've recently became quite boring & complacent as I was dating someone I liked & quite frankly, don't want to write about that... and also cuz he read this. (haha.. now I can really say what happened on my stag..... hmmm.. better not ;) )

BUT I have had the opportunity to be able to post myself online (4 of my other friends did it so I figured why not.. let the games begin) Now, I'm a little leary... not just because I despise dating but I am a massive geek magnet which I now believe because of last night, extends itself to freaks too.... Take this conversation from last night:

NOW... remember I have been approached by men that have said austentacious things to be before but this takes the cake..... and according to C-Hatch's description of serial killers, he looks like one in his picture..

CuriousGeorge: Hi
ME: you're too far (he says he lives in Pittsburgh)
Curious George: if a bf admitted being a little bicurious, would you still date him?
ME: HUH?????

Yes, I'm articulate but that threw me for a loop. Once I established that Yes, he is the bi-curious one & was wondering if I'd have a problem with it, the conversation went something like this....

Him: would you date a bicurious man as long as he didn't cheat?
Me: have you been w/ a man before?
Him: no
Me: what has your survey told you... no? I do find it a bit weird.
Him: I guess I only love women
Me: I think bicurious is a hop skip & a jump to gay.. not that there is anything wrong w/ that.. but if you're attracted to men.. may be you should be exploring that.
Me (again): I love women... doesn't mean I want to sleep with them

Him: I want a gf I can be honest with
Me: Yes, but may be it's something you shouldn't open with.
Me (again): why do you want a gf? cuz that's what you SHOULD do?
Him: no cause i want an open-minded woman
Me: And there are none in Phile?
Him: not many on this service and not many pretty like you

Didn't say anything but rather threw up in my mouth a little.

Me: Thx but I'm not interested
Him: Ever see 2 men together?
Me: no... do you keep asking questions til I block you?
Him: no.. sorry.... it's the truth...
ME: what is?
HIM: that i want a woman who accepts my bicuriousness... I would accept hers.
ME: That's fine. but i said it wasn't me & u followed it w/ have you seen 2 men be togehter.
HIM: cuz some women say that's a turn on
ME: ic... can't say it's anything I'd want to watch
HIM: what if a bf wanted to watch you
ME: watch me w/ another man?
HIM: yes
ME: I've heard of ppl wanting another women... not a man
HIM: some want a man as long as he is fit and good-looking

still think this guy is gay.

ME: it wouldn't make you jealous?
HIM: not if he was bicurious
ME: and then you could jump in?
HIM: I might be scared & it would depend what my gf thought.
ME: I think by that point, you wouldn't have to worry... i'm guessing if she's letting you watch her w/ another man, she's pretty open
HIM: but i've never touched a man...nervous for me
ME: right.... i think if you found said man, it's probably not HIS first time.

why I'm egging on this conversation at this point, i don't know.... I think it's about this point I phoned Nanz and got her in on this conversation.... (Hey.. i'm sick this week, I have nothing better to do)

HIM: i'd be worried f my gf did not want me to touch him
ME: right.. well, if you're this upfront w/ every girl you approach I think she'd know where you stand
ME (again): however, if it was me..... i keep thinking that you are gay & are trying to make it ok for you to touch a man
HIM: no
ME: you say that now
HIM: i love a women's mind & body... i just want her to know my fantasies
HIM (again): is the thought of two men nude massaging eachother disgusting?
ME: are you asking me this stuff as a way to guage
HIM: no, just curious

apparently more then I bargained for...

HIM: men like 2 women. do you?
ME: i'm not attracted to women.
HIM; ever fantasize
ME: have you just been waiting to ask me this?

then it got icky

HIM: about touching a women's breasts
ME: no..
HIM: oh...... not even pussy?
ME: no
HIM: cause for me the thought of a cock is a turnon

TOTALLY GAY


ME: is that all the questions you have then?
HIM: i think i could love you.

what??????????????????

HIM: can I see your b/s?
ME: no
HIM: is it difficult to mastubate a man?

yes, now the conversation took a turn for the weird.

ME: HUH? are you asking is it difficult to give a man a hand job?
HIM: yes.
ME: well, u would have the advantage having the equipment no? you at least know what feels good right? like anything it's hard if you're in a weird position
HIM: i've thought about undressing a man, massaging him and stroking him while we are both nude
ME: ok... you don't need to tell me this.
HIM: what IS a good position?
ME: haven't you ever been w/ another person?
HIM: yes, but not a man.. should I stand, sit or lean over?
ME: some position where you can't bump your elbow


I feel like I'm highschool talking to my gf about sex for the first time.

HIM: would you have a 3some w/ a bicurious male?
ME: no
HIM: would you watch one?
ME: no

and he went away... and came back

ME: did you find someone to watch?
HIM: yes.... some said they would...i travel for business
ME: there is a big gay population up here
HIM: listen... i only want to fantasize with a gf
ME: are you looking for cyber sex?

I like how I've now clued in. cuz he asked me a bunch of other stuff that I frankly, don't want to post (yes.. it got worse before it got funny)

BUT I can say this....

HIM: i am nude

about this time, i jumped up & ran around screaming.. Nanz didn't know what was wrong & when i finished laughing, she started too... so we focused a little... side bar: we hate the word nude.

HIM: what are you wearing
ME: clothes... i was cooking with grease

wait for it
wait for it....

wait

HIM: put some of that grease on my cock

and run around screaming again

ME: I carried a watermelon

Because really, when left in a situation where you don't know what to say, always pull out a Dirty Dancing quote.

HIM: would u suck 2 cocks at once?

why the watermelons didn't phaze him, i don't know ..

ME: are you typing with one hand?
HIM: yes, i'm looking at a gay site right now.
ME: ok, listen swashbuckler... I have not time for sword fights & frankly need to block you....

and scene... I think I'll take my chances at the bar.... I should have asked him if he'd rather pee outside... damn.

You don't Get Anything Out of Life Unless You Ask For It..

Right. So I would like one million dollars and a coke. Preferably in a glass with 2 ice cubes. And I don't want those ice cubes that are halfway up the tray as they didn't get enough water poured into their slot.. I want two LARGE cubes of ice... not three because then it would just get watered down. And the glass should be tall & thin. Preferably with a pattern but that can be negotiated... and don't give me this classic cola stuff you get from Costco.. It DOES taste different. Speaking of which, no diet, no lemon, no caffine free, no new coke. I want traditional, fresh from a 2L bottle not a can (I taste a difference I swear) poured 3/4 into the glass and add the cubes in after. Once you've gotten all that right, just place the envelope with my money next to it (unmarked of course. Lets not arouse suspicion) and we'll call it a day.

So I sent my counter proposal to my, hopefully, new boss last night. He's now taking some time to 'digest' it so we'll see what happens. The way I figure it, I owe it to myself to ask for what I want and he did keep asking, "What would make you happy?"

Turns out it's just 10 more then he offered.

BIG NEWS DAY

Straight off the CNN Website:

Burger King serves Pot Burgers to Cops

Man Jailed For Putting Puppy in Oven

'Real Borat' Seeks Apology

Britney Spears Divorcing


I wouldn't even know where to begin commenting............ it ranges anywhere from complete disgust to snide humour.

I may get the top button done up after all....

I forgot to mention yesterday, that I needed to get a new clock radio as it attempted to kick my ass with it's smugness. I set my alarm for 6 am every day. Do I get up at that hour?... No. (well, not anymore as it isn't blazing hot). Rather, I'm a sleep button connoisseur. The only reason I open my eyes at all is because the clock is at the foot of my bed and I must sit up to slam the button & then I'll fall back down for an 8 minute burst of sleep which in my opinion is usually the sweetest sleep of the night... But after doing this 2 or 3 times, I turn off the incessant beeping & allow only the radio to awaken me.

So yesterday, after hitting the button a record 4x, the first song I hear of the day is "All out of love" which normally is a secret fav but in light of recent events, was a bitter sweet shove to my ego. When it was followed immediately by "I want you to want me", I ripped the radio out of the wall & proceeded to throw it across the room... Ok who am I kidding? That is waaaaaaaaay too much effort for me to exude at that hour of the day but I was slapped in the face just the same.

What started out to be a crappy day, proceeded to drag on & I knew I needed to get out of my funk when I ran into my friend's little brother & he informed me "you look down". You know what you need to do then? Eat Sushi... a lot of it.. I'm talking hordes... actually it was pretty gross (the amout I mean, not the sushi itself), I'm still full... Ok, so get some sushi and a good group of friends (a key ingredient) and well, the Japanese beer also helped.

But no, last night was meant to be a pity party for a friend of ours who's ex got married this past weekend. But rather then it being a pity party, it was about a gathering of friends, the wishing good fortune & the start of something new. I'm a firm believer of trying to focus on the good things as we all have problems and setbacks but if you remember what makes you smile, it helps you get through.... and if you can find a little asian girl you can name spring roll, even better.

Today was a better wake up call... I found out I've got good bounce and I'm back to feeling fired up... I'm in a negotiating mood people.... wish me luck! Oh! and C-Hatch... I'm glad you don't smell like milk.

Cryptic Weekend

What does 5 new pairs of shoes, 2 sweaters, 2 tank tops, pair of pants & a schwag of Victoria Secret get you..... not any richer I can tell you but if you shop with an Alberta Resident & cross the border with an American Citizen, you can save yourself A LOT of moola...

Another weekend of GGD (Girls Get Drunk) has come & gone and there are plenty of stories to share but due to the personal nature of most, I have only this to say:

• I Found my straight line & got myself out of the loop.
• Men that ride in on White Horses are best left for Napoleon Dynamite
• The New Boot Possé knows how to go out in full effect
• Boobs come in all shapes, sizes & materials
• Give it to Shaloa, she'll drink anything.
• I love a girl that can meow.
• Jr is a nipple biter (something I didn't want to know about both him & her... it's called visualization.. thanks for that... )
• You can feel dirty just standing next to me
• Just because a man has a gf doesn't mean he can't like you too...... whut???????????
• I have another friend that can be referred to as the Human Sprinkler... or does it count when they catch it in their hand?
• Contrary to some furnished opinions... 5 new pairs of shoes are a neccessity. I'll never get peeing outside so touché.
and finally.... (drum roll.... )
• There is pretty much nothing I won't do for $25. That is except may be, the correct way to do the worm.

To Be or Not to Be Employed....

Nothing is new.... Well, actually that's a lie. I may actually be employed. It hasn't happened yet and I haven't been officially employed in let's say............ 4 years? I've been mostly working contract. It's one of the many quirks in my field.

I did sign on for some term 3 or 6 month contracts with larger companies and be treated as an employee. The ad agency I worked with was more true to the definition. I was considered a permament contract but I was billed as a vendor (no taxes withheld) and after a year went by there was such a demand for the agency's work, they offered me a full time position complete with benefits at about 13000 less then what I was invoicing at. (I don't think benefits acct for THAT much). And Well, here I am again. There is such a demand for work at the marketing company, that they want to hire me on full time and it corresponds with their fiscal new year so they offered me a position.

BUT after 4 years of contract and the last 2 of being my own boss, I'm left a bit hesistant to jump back in the pool..... I don't want to answer to someone nor do I want to have to be there every day til 5!!!!! One of the reasons I loved this summer so much is because I would show up Monday & let him know that Friday I would be out by noon..... and VACATION! Hi, I went to Europe for a month no questions asked. I made everyone work around me.

Now I have 2 weeks.... and no benefits (small company, not a lot of perks) ... taxes and sick days.

The only upside as far as I can see is that I can apply for loans..... So great, I got a job so I can be in debt.