Today sucked.

MONDAY!

How's this for irony: I had a dream last night that I couldn't sleep.

I also wanted to ammend an earlier post. I've given this a lot of thought. I will do Jazz Hands to the guy I pick up on my segway & double home.

did you ever....

Go to ladies night (obviously this is for the ladies out there..well, may be guys but that's for a different post)

It has to be one of the cheesiest things you will EVER encounter. We used to go to the one at the Wild Coyote back when we were 19 but not because there were male dancers but becuase it was a popular night.. My god, nothing has changed and the bridge & tunnel traffic is as scary as ever.

Yesterday my friend, Nina, phoned me up because she won a girls night which included a limo ride & a free round of drinks at skybar. Not a fan of Skybar but I am, however, a fan of free drinks so I included myself in the night. The girls were great! Lots of fun. One of them was a mathmetician.... which I find absolutely weird..... What do they do? are they like mad scientists? Does she get a coat & a lifetime supply of chalk? or is it more like Good Will Hunting & they try & prove theorems in a dark study somewhere with geeky men that like to wear scarves? Or is she the person that writes textbooks which in itself I always assumed some superior intellectuals all lived together in a dark box somewhere remote & wrote out our learning futures.

After I told her she was my first (I have NOT uttered that phrase for some years now).. I asked her if she was über smart... Glad the phrasing of the question makes me look even more like an idiot. She just laughed & said yes...

Oh, ok... at least she admitted she was slutty so I felt better.

Jazz Hands

I think it would be awesome if right after I finish having sex I could flash "JAZZ HANDS!"

I think it would be a nice finish.

However, he may not find it as funny & I may fall on my face.

These are the things that make me cry.....

See Julie's upset because not only was she just sold to that man but she can't drink. She can't smoke... no, she's 16.

WHAT?


This is a classic... for the ages.... gimme a Zip.... gimme a Zap.. it's Zip Zap Rap.....

This is in case you never got enough Menudo on your saturday mornings...

Typical Morning....

I walk to work every day... From downtown across the cambie bridge to West 2nd & Columbia (right next to Bazaar Novelties) and durning my walk I pass by several construction sites as anyone would because Vancouver is always undergoing some sort of facelift.

Now I work as a Graphic Designer & do like what I do but how fun would it be to dig holes!! I mean you get to ride around in big machinery all day & move dirt around. I remember I used to love to dig holes when I was a kid and am wondering if I missed my calling? I bet you get to crank your music loud & sing along as well! I'm going to look into this... Every girl should have something they could fall back on.

As I was busy envying dude, I got honked at and passed by a guy on a scooter & a second wave on envy fell over me. Now, I'm sure he needs a scooter to help his mobility but schizam! that would be a great way to get around!.. Not a bonafide scooter per se but rather one of those segways! Yes, a segway would be hot. I would not only be higher then everyone else but rather fashionable too don't you think?



Can't you just picture me booting over the Cambie Bridge on my Segway smacking strangers w/ my umbrella as I pass them sipping my latté? i think I'm onto something... The question is... where do I put it when I go to the bar? Am I allowed to bring it in w/ me? Will i have to stick to pubs that are street level as I can't go down the stairs... AND when I go home, would I get a ticket for drinking & ridiing? I also think if I met a boy & wanted to take him home would he drive then & I have to wrap my arms around his waist or will I maintain control?

hmmmmm.....

The Mis-treatment of FUR

I am not an activist but when I see the use of fur get mis-treated well, it just completely in"fur"iates me (ha ha... yes, I laugh at my own jokes)

The other day, I went for some coffee at the local cafe near my work "The Butler Did It" cute place, it's mostly a catering house but has a cafe in the front-end. Anyways, I went in a little hung over that morning as it was Valentine's Day the night before & a couple of girlfriends & I decided to drink away our bitterness in the diviest pub we could find thinking that there wouldn't be any couples in there.

The cafe was steady. There were a couple of construction workers by the window, an ultra-skinny girl (you know the kind, no boobs, no ass just one short line of body w/ arms) took my order from behind the counter. As I'm waiting for my latté, this Girl walks in much to my dismay.

She was somewhat pretty with pouty lips & long brown soft hair and would be thought of as being pretty except for the fact that I'm distracted BY EVERYTHING SHE IS WEARING!! oh my god! I'm looking at this girl & wondering if people actually take her seriously.. or if they think she's slow. She had on a pink 3/4 length coat & a little pink crotchet cap that has a big fake flower fastened to the side of her head. Now I'm a fan of pink BUT ALL OVER YOUR BODY?? no. To top it off she had some multi-coloured knit scarf complete with a silver purse. (btw, it's 9:30 in the morning)

Now you're asking yourself.. So? What's the big deal? She wore a lot of pink & may be likes tacky purses and you're right... It's not that bad. I probably could have overlooked the entire thing except for the stuffed animals that decided to eat her ankles.

WHAT THE FUCK IS ON HER FEET??? These aren't ugg boots these are boots that if a pair of ugg boots met another pair of ugg boots, got married & had Super Ugg Boot Babies. They're Bigger & Furier the the first generation. Does she really think that she has to go trudge through the arctic after she gets her coffee? They were Hainous...

I'm told she is emulating Pamela Anderson. Hey you know what? Pam Anderson has made a lot of money looking the way she does & all power to her but honestly, she's one level above porn star and that in itself is a stretch. So if you are really trying to look like a porn star in your daily life you are someone that should go take a trip on the short bus.

I left bewildered only to come back the next day to see all the exact same people in all of the exact same spots eating/ drinking & doing the exact same things as the day before.

I've decided that café isn't as cute as once thought & will refrain from getting my bevies from there...

A Perfect Example....

Here is a perfect example of why I think I'm single. I really surround myself with all of the wrong type of guys and here is why.

Five years ago, I worked at GM Place when the Grizzlies were still in town. I worked for Aramark, buddy who we shall name "No Balls, No Game" worked for the Grizzlies. Well we had a flirt on for quite a while. Kind of pathetic really as neither of would do anything about it. So my friend Eileen stepped in one evening & while literally standing in front of me, told NBNG that I liked him.... I was horrified & ran & hid. She dragged me out of the bathroom and Yes, NBNG liked me back. We left & to be alone, talk , kiss what have you. (no that didn't happen).

Anyways, he drove me home the next day. A kind of ya, I'll talk to you later took place and I think I went to his birthday about a month later but nothing really came of it. The Grizzlies were transferred NBNG lost his job & he moved to Victoria. I don't see him again. He is on my msn list & every so often we chat & catch up but nothing to significant.

Cut to this past December. I am at the Coppertank for my friend Ryan's birthday. Two guys walk in. I think one is kind of cute & he happens to notice me as well... Well, i figure out I know him! It's NBNG.. so I go & say hi.. I give a hug & his friend invites me to sit w/ them while they wait for their food. So we all chat & the waitress brings their cutlery so I decidet that is my cue to excuse myself back to my table when Steve, the friend, says... "you & NBNG should exchange numbers" to which NBNG replies, I can get hold of her.

I'm taken back a tich & reply "Yes, he's on my MSN" Not satisfied w/ that dismissal, NBNG says "Ya, well, I haven't been on that in the longest time"

So I go back to my table & ask my friend Andy if I just got burned and he informs me yes which pisses me off for 2 reasons

A: Get over yourself, it was 5 years ago
B: I was just being nice, not trying to pick you up

The next day when I was online, who signs on but NBNG. I ignore him & I've seen him on there frequently since then. I haven't thought much about it since then as we still talk about the same basic nothingness.

Then the other day I signed on to Lavalife (ya, i'm on there.. bla, it passes time when it rains)

WHO do i have a smile from but the one & only No Balls No Game.

What is up with that? Is he doing it because he knows it's me (it's the same photo that is on my msn) or is he so bad at the pick up that he is actually taking this route????

So he said to ask him Why Homer Simpson is his Hero so I sent him an email through hotmail & am still waiting to get a response.

I'll keep you posted on the banal.

Valentine's Day

Does anyone find it more then a little co-inky dinky that Valentines Day & Venereal Disease are the same initials?

I guess as with all love there comes a couple of thorns... Just be careful what it is you scratch!

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time and by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

I just recieved this link... one word: horrible

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

click on the cards to see more detail

Don't Waste The Pretty

I recieved this email from a friend this week & it's what Oprah has to say about men. Now I'm not the biggest Oprah fan BUT what is being said here just makes sense... Bottom Line: DON'T WASTE THE PRETTY!

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. (that means actually listen to it.. we all know, but just choose to ignore)

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. (so sleeping w/ him in 5 min is bad?)

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you, as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. (YA DAVE!)

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think, "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you. (I control everything)

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. (I left that trailor park YEARS ago)

He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? (CUZ HE TOLD ME SO!)

Always have your own set of friends separate from his. (but i dump my friends when I start dating)

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. - He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior.

Change comes from within. (or for the guy on davie, the street)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. (what if I feel more important then him?)

Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. (This is where my problem lies.... )

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs. (ok Dave, there, you got one)

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...

Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone
complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. (why in the world would I dare to live w/ his mother?)

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others. (This one is my favourite)

30........ ugh!

So yesterday was one of my oldest friend's 30th birthday... Which pretty much marks the last of my group to hit the milestone.

I had been prematurely telling people that I was from about half way through 29 becuase 29 was pretty much a moot point.... By that point, your 20's are over but it was gratifying to know that No, in fact I was not quite in my 30's yet.
But all of my friends were trying to sell the merrits of turning 30...

"OH! I've never felt better"
"I'm at such a peace about myself!"
"I have a good sense of who I am"

Wow.. is that all you got? I have a good sense of who I am .. no you don't! You're a neurotic Psycho that binge drinks & sleeps wth too many men.. Who are You? ... A SLUT.. wow you must be proud (OF COURSE I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU.... )

Another reason women say it these things because well, 30 is the beginning of the end. Thirty marks the age where we've stopped blossoming as women & have started the decline to old age. We've tried to fancy up the term.. 30 is the new 20! ya ya ya.. Only cuz as a society we've immatured. BUT at 30, we now have to mark the second box on the survey from now on. Twenties represent a certain amount of innoncence & allowance for mistakes. Thirty marks the age where one should know their path. What they want to do... We no longer are the target demographic .. Why cuz we've lost interest.

Essentially, all of the talking up of turning 30 is propaganda.. a way to battle the onset of depression that your youth/ beauty and stamina is now fading.....does anyone believe this?

All of it is BULL SHIT.. I'm still as screwed up as a I was 6 months ago as I am now... I don't know where I want to take my career. That changes every day mostly cuz there are extenuating circumstances that effect said path.

But another huge difference: I have to use eye cream! How do you use this stuff anyways.. where do i find this.. is there a special counter in the dept store specially for eye cream? I never see anyone at these counters either? Why is that? Do people over 30 not shop anymore?

Also, it's very important I'm told to have a beauty regime..
A beauty regime.. huh. Really? What exactly is that? It's always been said that you need to develop something special for your self that works.. How the hell do I know what works? I wash my face w/ water & fall asleep each night w/ my makeup on & wake up w/ it half way down my face. At least I think so, I can't see it underneath my hair that has fixated to my cheek. And I'm always told I look good for my age (I hope those people aren't just being nice) but I think my mom never meant passing out on the couch w/ a half eaten bag of chips on your lap as a routine so it's back to the drawing board.

Even though I'm bitching about what is lost & will never gain back again.. There are some perks to being a tich older.. I am starting to slowly understand why women become cougars.... Younger Guys LOOOOOVVVEEE older women. I used to always wonder where the guys are ... Bada bing.. they're here... and still JUST as yummy!

I should really focus on my work.... more on my age drama later......

Why are boys, boys?

Ok, Yet another Hollywood break-up has occurred... after 10 years of Marriage, Ritchie Sambora & Heather Locklear have broken up... In real life, I don't care... I mean it's too bad that they broke up but it really doesn't effect my life all that much so I think I'll flip the page.

But this has been the week for crappy boy occurances. What I would like to know is why guys have a really hard time keeping it in their pants? For example... a few weeks back I'm at Crush Nightclub on a girls night out. Now normally the place is kinda dead and not a lot goes on there. BUT this night was awesome there were tons of guys walking around in suits (and we all know how I LOVE a man in a suit) Anyways, turns out there was a huge sales conference being held in Vancouver from a Norwegian based country.... NORWEGIANS FOR EVERYONE!
Now, I had just fought off the advances from one pretty sleazy off duty VP who admittedly had a gf but still wanted to take me home and "throw me up against the wall"... So as I go to the bar to get a drink to try & wipe out the previous 5 minutes I run into one incredibly tall suit. His name is irrelevant so we'll just refer to him as my Dutch Boyfriend from now on.

We chat & actually get along quite well.. He had a quick sarcasm about him that I find attractive. (i hate anyone I could walk all over) After about 10-15 minutes, we exchange cards & he informs he has to leave & says goodbye to my friends & gives me 3 kisses because that's what they do in Amsterdam. I figure I'll never hear or see him again.

Come the following monday I recieve an email from DB saying hello & how are you etc etc.... We've now been corresponding every day since... that is UNTIL I find out he not only lives w/ his gf BUT has a 17 month old daughter!

WHY WHY WHY did you email me? It's not like he hasn't been blatantly flirting with me either. I just find this kind of behavious peculiar. Cuz after that.. I feel kind of creepy like I'm doing something wrong. I mean I don't think he went home & told his girlfriend he met some girl in Canada & is now corresponding w/ her every day & oh, I'm taking her on a special tour when she comes to town (I'm heading to Europe in April.. JUST by coincidence). Ya.. something isn't sitting right w/ me

The funniest part of the whole thing is that I always thought he was a gentleman. He left politely, didn't blatantly hit on me. Emailed me once he was home... Not that something would happen but I figure.. YES this is the kind of guy I could get into.. just gotta find me one of those locally AND I find out he pretty much has sleazy tendancies as well...

So girls we all bitch and say Van guys are the worst around.. Well, it looks like they don't change no matter where they are from. They just have different accents.