The man who told too little...

Has anyone out there tried internet dating? I know you have because I've seen you on there. Seriously though, probably about half if not 3/4's of my friends have either been on lava life or POF. For those who still see the internet as having a stigma of weird desperate people that can't meet anyone in real life you're almost right. There are normal people on the internet. You could probably meet some fun types & develop good friendships. I actually know couples that have met, dated & gotten married by meeting online. I also know of plenty of desperate freak-shows that can only hope that they'll wake up one morning to a woman besides their mother.

So FINE, at one point several friends & I were online and it became quite comical. If we did meet someone, we would check amongst eachother to ensure that no one else has gone there yet. (Hello... I know it's the Internet but Vancouver is still freakin' small)

So I actually met someone online that appeared to be worthy of a date. Attractive, athletic, good job, and we got along seamlessly online. Our phone conversations were a bit disjointed but I pretty much hate speaking on the phone so I dismissed any red flag there.

So we set up a lunch date for Saturday. I met him down at Bridges' Patio in Granville Island as it was still early September and it was to be a nice afternoon.

The night before I had gone out with Nicole. If I recall, it was a typical night out.... Moose, Roxy, Doolins. At the Roxy, I had run into several old friends & seeing it was about a week after my birthday, there were plenty of shooters to go around. So by the time I had reached Doolins, the bartender took one look at me & put a pitcher of water down. I blinked twice at Nicole & decided that it was time that I shuffled my way home. She was O.K. with it as she found her favourite bartender from the Moose drowning his sorrows after having just lost his job that evening.

The next day, I awoke feeling not so fresh, & hurried myself downstairs to the gym to attempt a detoxifying workout. I figured smelling like booze on a first date was a no no. After which, I cleaned myself up, tried on several combinations & decided the Jeans, White T-shirt & Suede jacket combo was the best bet as it appeared casual yet slightly dressy while covering up any flaws that I was conscious of at the time.

I aqua bussed over to the island as I love being able to do that... I find it to be so kitschy. So I've got this sort of "Charloteness" frame of mind going on in my head... I actually hate when I get like that as I can be quite the suck.

I get off the bus near the marketplace, and not in front of bridges so as I neared the restaurant, I'm starting to get a slight knot in my stomach. I round the corner to head towards the hostess and I see a guy sitting on the log outside the restaurant in an arm sling. Yes, I had forgotten that he had hurt his shoulder not too long ago. That was fine. THE FUCKING UGLY BLACK SNEAKERS weren't. Nor was the fact that Mr. 5"9 was more like 5"7 and that he had posted pictures that "sort of" resembled him.

So we went inside.

We sat out on the patio as it was a nice day. I have already decided that I wasn't into him but figured that in the very least, he may be a cool guy to know which is all good until he opened his mouth. He was dumber then a piece of wood (Seriously, if you've lived your entire life in the lower mainland, wouldn't you know where the sunshine coast is?) And then it got better.

We had just sat down, handed our menus & were debating about what to order when he began telling a story. Right in the middle of the sentence he pulls this stutter/twitch/snort thing in the mid sentence... kept talking, AND DID IT AGAIN. (for anyone that has seen the Salton Sea, it kind of reminded me of the Dude that didn't have a nose from doing too much coke & would make a pig-snort kind of sound... ya, hot) So it took me aback. The first time made me look up from my menu. The second one made me blink rapidly (remember, this is the sure-fire sign of being shocked) When he started doing it on a consistent basis, I changed up my order of a white wine to a double jack on the rocks. Because of my immenent need to run away we ordered our food right then and there... I got a salad & excused myself.

I bee-lined it to the bathroom & phoned Nicole. She's hammered. Apparently after I Doolins, her & Jaime stayed up the entire night and decided that he should join her on her business trip to Vegas. He was off borrowing a suit when I phoned.

Nic: How's the date?
Me: What the fuck is wrong with him?
Nic: Why?
Me: He snorts when he talks
Nic:hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha
hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahah

Me: thanks..... what should I do.
Nic: I dunno.. Good luck with that.. I'm getting on the plane. Talk to you later.

I begrudingly go back to the table as I believe that I'm having lunch with a former hard core coke-head. The snort-twitch is really un-nerving. So are his stories. I love the way he said he's a manager at an engineering firm. Ya, YOU PAINT STREET SIGNS... where's the science in that Bill Nye?

So I down a couple of drinks & our food comes. Right when when I'm about to stab my first piece of lettuce. Todd confesses something.

Todd: In case you're wondering, I have Tourrettes.
Me, not looking up from my salad: Oh ya? I didn't really notice (chomp chomp)
Todd: Yes, it comes out when I'm tired or nervous
Me: uh-huh... right.

Great.. thanks for the tip-off Todd. That may have been a bit more useful before I told the enchanting story of the man in my gym that morning that kept making un-controllable noises and I re-counted how I thought he was such a major freak.

So after doing the "I'm going to sit here until YOU pick up the bill" sit-off, We parted ways... He insisted on walking me back to the aqua bus. I gave him a quick pat on the back hug. You know the kind, ass out, chest forward, give a quick pat on your back because I don't actually want to touch you hug... yes.. that one.

I finally was able to climb on board & give a resounding shudder. The captain asks me if I was cold and all I could say was .... No, it's not that cold in hell.